Since recently I have decided to step back from public-facing life not too long ago, (reports of my “dismantling” have been overstated to say the least) I have been searching for a method to stimulate my prefontal neutrals well into my hundred-and-sixties. The answer was obvious – programing. Specifically, I was searching for a new project I could test my skills on. That’s when I discovered the interactive fiction community – much as Columbus did over seven hundred years ago. I’m told this community is very welcoming for beginners and a ripe field for expansion with a projected growth of up to loads of money a year if I play my cards right.
I’ve never played interactive fiction, but I didn’t want to let that stop me. My unique combination of dedication and coherence led me to believe I can do anything I wanted. You should know that I have decades of experience as a journalist, prime minister, and sometime golfer. I tried using Twine but it seemed to complicated to me. That’s why I and my collaborator decided to spend six years developing Twaiyn through a combination of coding and algorithms. It’s not just a new interactive fiction language – it’s a whole form of life that hadn’t existed before.
I know what you’re thinking. What do writers really want to do? They don’t want to waste time writing code, writing text, or writing posts. They’re more than just writers – they’re doers. What do writers really want to do? That’s right – they’d rather be doing the laundry. Twaiyn allows that to happen.
It’s a revolution in the space of IF.
Basic features:
Distraction-free editor. Your focus, your work. It’s as easy as A, B and C.
100% proprietary software language. Your work stays in our cloud, no matter what.
Commingling support to enhance added clarity.
Make no mistakes – it’s not possible.
Direct interface with an artificial intelligence (or “eh ay”) for the future of efficiency.
Ability to charge for your work, or your electric vehicle.
It’s better than Twine. It’s not just better than Twine – it’s more usable too.
A recognisable user interface. With better eyesight.
Lightning-fast load times.
Millions of funds of venture capital for the foreseeable future.
Fluid spillage catching and filtration system. Keep those keys clean!
Instant removal of offensive material to maximise your audience as quickly as possible.
Optimised for my computer rather than yours.
Image recognition and generation, creating a complete feedback loop.
Compatible with Internet Explorer.
Ability to open files from all existing systems (only AAS supported at launch).
Multidirectional computational connections between story nodes and hearts.
Always–online internet access so you’ll know at any moment if your game has been played.
Twitch integration. Get heckled while you work.
Up to one million words included per story.
Fridge magnets available on launch automatically to all users.
Multiple subscription tiers supported including the ability to place all subscribers in a “Hunger Games” scenario to prove who is the most dedicated. It’s not just fun – it’s educational.
Advanced features:
Futureproofing – all Twaiyn creations are machine-readable. You won’t just profit from humans being – you’ll keep still breaking even after the singularity.
Spelling correction in multiple languages such as Python and JavaScript.
Automatic suggestions as you type for what you should type next.
Text input mode for old-fashioned parser players which automatically inputs the next text.
Natural language evolution option. Vowels shift with you.
Conway’s Game of Life integration.
Supports Bradley’s Game of Life too.- 🧎🏻♂️➡️ Instant lookup of any information.
Find and replace.
The comprehension level of a three-to-six-year-old child.
Support for Apple Silicon both out of and inside the box, unlike TADS.
Text editor support. It’s not for editing text – it’s a replacement for the node graph.
Synergy with the quantum mainframe.
Manage and delete alternate realities (valid REALITECH subscription required).
Breakfast means breakfast. Compatible with breakfast cereal.
Remains functional up to 10,000 metres.
HTCPCP integration for efficient connectivity in the morning and the evening.- Miss congruity checks? Don’t worry. We’ve added them.
Marketing integration so we can make money off your work.
Daylight, savings, time. That’s right – we’ve abolished it. It’s not midday yet.
Upcoming features:
You can even use Twaiyn to develop interactive fiction.
Me and my collaborators have taken the liberty of putting together a short 22-week course examining the basics of how it’s possible to use Twaiyn in multiple contexts. If anyone would like to walk me through getting the interface to create a basic so-called “Cloak of Darkness” example I would happily charge for such a pleasure.
Make no mistake – Twaiyn is ready to be used right now by your personal web browser. There will be a small fee for access to the service, but I fully expect this to increase as the website decreases in popularity. For enterprising concerns, contact me with your average salary, identification documents, and a full-body scan and if everything matches up I’m sure we can come to an agreement.
Like a singer once sang – “please, be nice.” This product is more of a tenth or eleventh child to me. I wouldn’t feel safe releasing my child out into the world if I wasn’t sure he was as solid as a boulder. Indeed, this is where the nickname comes from – Twaiyn “The Rock” Johnson.
Yours “sincerely,”
Bollocks Johnson
Chief Engine Optimiser
United Kingdom of England, Sctoland, and Northen Iceland
