This is fantastic. I just spent a few minutes with my Spring Thing entry looking at your comic and thinking about what I had done right and wrong in my opening. It’s always really helpful to have a rubric to check your work against.
Another thing I think is critical in openings: Do NOT have typos or grammatical problems in your opening. Some will probably always slip through elsewhere, but not in the opening. That needs to be perfect. Once players are invested, they will probably forgive an awkward sentence or a small typo, but not at the outset. I have several good writers comb through my opening text to make absolutely sure it’s spotless.