Yes, definitely! (At least my interest.)
About the first entry
I like it! It’s written in character, we get a glimpse of a potentially post-apocalyptic setting, and there is a clear sense of what it is about, and that there will be opportunities for excitement and danger. One is immediately curious about what’s in the container, what will happen if we open the cargo hull, and who these savages are.
Some suggestions for small improvements:
In my opinion, when there is a quoted piece of speech followed by a comma and another part of a sentence, that latter sentence should express how the quotation was said.
So, for example:
"Moog, [...]," the captain shouted.
If it is not directly related in that way to the quotation, then the quotation should end with a full stop or an exclamation mark, and a new sentence should begin after that. So:
"Moog, we got a new run! Quit fiddling with your irons and put the batteries on charge!" A printout of the waybill flops down next to the big round magnet I’m lying under.
which immediately stuck”: I think it should be present tense ("
sticks", or: “
gets stuck”) instead of past tense
I grab the printout and run my eyes over it” could be shortened to “
I grab the printout” (because it’s clear from the next sentences that the protagonist is then describing the contents of the waybill)
Maybe I’d write out the DO NOT instead of contracting it, so that there is even more emphasis on the prohibition; and maybe I’d change the word order:
DO NOT under any circumstances raise the temperature of the cargo.” (etc.)
And another, very minor nitpick: I’d rather use “
to wrestle with” if the sense is “to try to deal with a troublesome inanimate thing”.
(At least I think that’s more typical than saying “
to quarrel with”, but the latter could also be fine as figurative language; or of course it might be actual quarrelling if the charging station has an AI inside.)
So, putting it all together:
“Moog, we got a new run! Quit fiddling with your irons and put the batteries on charge!”
A printout of the waybill flops down next to the big round magnet I’m lying under. Releasing the wrench, which immediately sticks to the round plate, I grab the printout. Yep. Haul from the Enclaves to the Citadel, one refrigerated container, one day. At the bottom are a few typical notes:
- DO NOT under any circumstances raise the temperature of the cargo.
- DO NOT under any circumstances open the cargo hull.
- DO NOT under any circumstances let the cargo fall into the hands of the savages.
With a sigh, I scramble out from under the hovercraft and go to wrestle with the charging station.
About the second entry
This one is a bit more unspecific/mysterious.
From the blurb alone, it could be a serious slice-of-life work with a sad tone – for example, it might be about the experiences of a tourist in Berlin or Paris or Beijing, during a sudden COVID-related lockdown.
Or it could turn out to be a comedy where we have to deal with funny cultural mishaps, or even a “classic” puzzler where the protagonist gets involved in a hair-raising adventure.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, just that it seems less clear what we’re getting into as players.
If it’s set in a real-world city, then I think it would intrigue me more, if you gave the name of the city.
If I’ve been there, I’ll be curious if your depiction of it matches with my impressions, and if I’ve not been there, then I’ll be curious because I hope to get a glimpse of that foreign city, as portrayed by someone who has first-hand experience or did the research.
“In times when the world around suddenly decided to end.”
That part sounds a bit “off”, but I’m not sure how best to rewrite it.
Here’s my (hesitant) suggestion with minimal changes:
How is it even possible to be so unlucky: left alone in a foreign country, in the middle of a sprawling city, with no knowledge of its strange culture and language, at a time when the world has suddenly decided to end?
About the meta-information: If you don’t have particular technical requirements which the players should know about, then I think it’s fine to leave out that part. Whether it’s parser- or choice-based will already be noted in an extra field below the blurb.