Australian Terror [j/k, sorta?]

If you’d like some of the current Australian floods, you’re welcome to them.

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I feel bad joking about weather now. I know you guys have endured hell the past few years. Australia always wins at scary things… your funnel web spiders make North America’s poisonous spiders look cute.

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I agree - Australia is one of the places I would like to visit, except that everything checks at least one extra box of

  • giant-sized and terrifying
  • produces deadly neurotoxin
  • will kick your ass in some way or the other

Platypus? Cute duck-slash-beaver! Also produces venom.
Jellyfish? The size of your fingernail! Toxin fatal in less than 60 seconds.
Koalas? Cute in videos! Drop out of trees and slash like Wolverine. Also: can transmit Chlamydia.
Spiders? Fat tarantulas with deadly venom! Special trap-door jumpscare ability.
Kanagroos? Adorable! Has claws and ability to kick someone into the next zip code.

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Garry seems to have survived it all. There must be others too.

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At one point I was listening to an Australian folk singer (Judy Small[*]) sing about the record-breaking Australian drought, and I thought “I wonder what year that was?” So I checked Wikipedia, and then I still didn’t know because there have been so many of them.

[* Eventually decided that singing about peace and justice is good, but making some is better. So she became a federal judge. I respect that.]

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I have some things I’d like to see, regardless of venomous badly-mannered 8-foot-tall spiders and deadly duck/beaver/dinos like the vel-atypus:

The longest fence in world
17th Century Steam Engine through the Tasmanian Rain Forest
Wildwest - Hobbitshire Coober Pedy

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Misplaced Indiana Jones Movie Set, Paronella Park

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Japanese Doomsday Cultists’ Secret Chemical Weapon Laboratory

Note:

Sadly, the actual structure and contents are long gone, but this was something worthy of a Bond film.

And ghost ships galore:

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Yeah. I’m one of the others. I’ve lived in various places all over Aus. Played in swamp/bush with snakes (and possibly crocs) as a kid. Swam with Blue Ringed Octopus (until someone told us about them. Platypus mostly leave you alone if you leave them alone. Same goes for spiders, snakes, sharks and other wildlife. If you like bush-walking, then watch out for some plant types and insects.
At the moment it has started raining again - for the next week or so. Might get 500mm or so. I’ve just repaired my garden from the last lot but what else is there to do in retirement?
Maybe there is a game in there somewhere? but…

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I had a good laugh when I read some of these. Don’t believe everything you hear about Australia. None of it is true. All our wildlife is adorable. For example:

  • The Tasmanian devil - cute and cuddly, just don’t get between it and its food.
  • The Sydney funnel web spider - what other spiders like to share your swimming pool?
  • The redback spider - what other spiders like to share your outback toilet?
  • Blue bottles - they like you so much that they wrap their tentacles around you in the surf as a sign of affection.
  • Box jelly fish - I’m sure there’s something nice to say about them.
  • Snakes - taipans, tiger snakes, death adders, brown snakes, black snakes, copperheads and a myriad of other pretty colours for all to enjoy.
  • Sharks - keep out of the water and you’ll never get eaten by one.
  • Blue-ringed octopus - a pretty thing to teach kids about aquatic life.

We don’t have any lions or tigers or hippopotamus or bears or anything like that, so Australia is a safe place to visit…most of the time…usually…sometimes…er, maybe it’s best to let David Attenborough visit on your behalf.

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