The all-important Boatiness Quotient

Folks, it is time. There’s been entirely too much chatter about the subject, and we need to nip this confusion in the bud right now.

10: takes place completely on a boat (or spaceship, which counts as a void-boat)
9: takes place on a boat, with possible death/cop-out ending for leaving the boat mistakenly
8: boats with brief stop-offs at islands and such, or spaceship that stop off at worlds (think: 4x4 Galaxy.)
5-7: significant chunk of game with boat travel. This is flexible, but the simple way to look at it is, rivers get 5, lakes get 6 and oceans get 7.
4: boat only used to get from one location to another
3: boat travel is implied but not present. Places you can’t get to by boat, perhaps. Or maybe it indicates another way around. Maybe 2 and 3 should be flipped?
2: boat as scenery, immobile
1: no boats. Why oh why does this author hate 70% of the Earth’s surface?

I’m open to adjusting this rubric, and I’ve devoted considerable thought to this, but I can’t do it on my own. I need help. Perhaps we should even make a spreadsheet and have heated debates over whether something is X or X+1!

Anyway, I’ll start with this joke, but only with entries I know. Here’s hoping others string it along!

Bright Brave Knight Knave: 4. a boat takes you from one location to a handful of others. You never actually spend a turn on it.
DICK MCBUTTS GETS KICKED IN THE NUTS: 1. Lots of adventure once things get rolling, but nothing involving water transportation (I think!)
Eat the Eldritch: 10. It’s in a submarine. Perhaps we should make submarine 11 or reorganize the points from 5-7 downwards to 5-6. The taxonomy here isn’t fixed, yet.
The Enigma of Solaris: 10. It’s in a spaceship that you need to get running again. You never dock in-game.
Explore Your Psychosis: 1. There’s a park, and often there are toy boats on small lakes at parks, but folks, a 2 is a real stretch here.
Fix Your Mother’s Printer: 1. Fortunately, you don’t have to go to such great lengths to find a printer part. There’s discussion of visiting another continent, but this is the 21st century, so it’s probably by plane.
LAKE Adventure: 6. About 1/3 of the rooms are a lake to navigate. Perhaps 7, since you are 13, so the lake may feel as big as an ocean.
To Sea in a Sieve: 10. Whole game on a boat. You actually leave it at the very end. But you’re not forced to. You can be oblivious and drown.
Trail Stash: 3. There is a location called Small Isles, as well as a lake, a shore, and a rock that wasn’t intended to be in a desert.
The Vambrace of Destiny: 1. We can’t be having a small pool you can drink from bumping things up to 2, here. Or that underground river that temporarily blocks passage. Spoiler-not-spoiler: you don’t summon a boat to get across it.
Who Iced Mayor McFreeze? 1. Alas, Mayor McFreeze’s melting remains can’t really count as a body of water.

What say you all? I’m willing to tally everyone’s observation.

36 Likes

The original ADVENTURE is actually a holodeck program. So 10.

(Phew… Had to save the flagship somehow…)

5 Likes

Bali B&B has a single very minor and skippable scene involving some fishing boats as scenery, so I score a 2, yay! (I would be terribly ashamed to miss out on the nautical theme altogether, so I therefore approve this rubric).

(Now that I’ve mentioned this, I feel I should offer readers a prize for reaching that scene. Ah, I know! I shall send you a very pretty ocean postcard to ANY LOCATION ON EARTH if you find the scene with the fishing boats, and PM me your postal address!)

8 Likes

Does a whale count as a boat? I think it should.

10 Likes

Death on the Stormrider is a 10, as long as you consider an airship to be a boat. It’s meant to be much more boat-like than airplane-like, at any rate. (In the air for a long time with a crew working in shifts.)

5 Likes

Oh shoot! I totally forgot about the 100% unskippable scene in Bali B&B involving a makeshift raft. Which technically brings me up to a 4!

8 Likes

I remember your thread about this:

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The Ship takes place on two different ships; a pirate ship and a space ship. I’m assuming that’s a BIG ten.

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And since I live in the Midwestern US, a BIG ten counts as fourteen or, in a few years, eighteen!

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I have a river and a ferry to cross it,
so I guess that means my entry “One King to Loot them All” gets a 4 :smiley: .

The ferryman's unseen gaze fixes upon you. His hand, gnarled and weathered,
emerges from the folds of his robe, fingers outstretched. His demand is unspoken,
but his gesture is clear: payment for passage across the boundary. 
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If it’s the one I think it is–well, as rivers go, that’s a pretty major one. So yeah, that gets a 4. Maybe a 5, since it’s a big journey.

Wonder what score is for Andromeda Apocalypse. You get out of the ship at the end, but not exactly unwillingly. 9.5?
(Also, there are earthbound flashbacks, although on a somewhat floating continent…)

This is important and necessary work, Andrew, but I feel like you’re missing a higher plane:

11: The player is the boat.

12 Likes

Hmm, I think Sting is a 6.5 (boat racing sequence in a harbor). Will have to do better next time!

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Depending on where the player steers the conversation, Galatea has some serious shipping going on between the PC and the statue…

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This is incredible.

That is all I have to say on the topic.

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Like the Golden Banana of Discord, there needs to be a BOAT GOAT prize.

Maybe like a Lego boat where it is passed from previous winner to current winner, except one piece is replaced every year.

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Detective Osiris includes a boat as scenery in one area, and in addition to that, during one conversation, a character uses a nautical metaphor. I guess that makes it a 2 or a 3?

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Assembly lets you build many things, but a boat is sadly not one of them. Similarly, Honk! has plenty of clown car goodness but nothing to take to the high seas.

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Oh now that you mention it… I also have the GOAT:

With the goat secured in your powerful grasp,
you step onto the ferryman's boat.
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