In the end it’s basically all a wash, so it doesn’t particularly matter. It’s not your fault that the announcement probably backfired, people are just snoopy, and some of the messages were nice from forum regulars. I feel bad that people reached out to Dan during all of this over it, but he didn’t particularly mind last we spoke about it.
Actually, I do mind that what was intended as a personal break because of a suicidal crisis that involved a near attempt on my life was decided for me to be permanent removal from the management of something I put a lot of time and energy into, but it’s whatever, because complaining about it won’t do anything, and I’m not in a headspace where I should really be getting involved in anything taxing anyways. Two things can be true, though, I can recognize that the community was genuinely growing unbearable for my mental health, while also holding that that was extremely shitty. Finding out about it secondhand was also genuinely awful.
I think I have the right to share that when so many people have been hounding me over it, and also, like, it happened to me? That’s not a corporate speak miscommunication. I am not the one who removed myself from the roster, and people in my life knew I was undergoing a major crisis spurred on by medical withdrawal and persistent suicidal ideation. I did take a step back and it was intended to likely be temporary while I was abjectly losing my goddamn mind. A big part of that was not wanting my extreme emotional volatility (common side effect) to impact others, and because witnessing someone down spiral actively into a suicide attempt is ugly. But that decision was taken from me, so now it’s permanent, and I found out from other people. There was no notification? Yeah, because I’ve been wanting to blow my brains out, and but for the grace of God I don’t have access to firearms or I would have. Good (or bad?) day to not be an American. But, anyway.
I’ve been grappling with passive suicidal ideation and intermittent acute episodes and attempts since I was a child. It’s nothing particularly new, this recent go around, and it’s nothing I don’t have experience navigating, alone. The suffering is almost mundane in its tedium. The intensity of it might peak and ebb more sharply off of the medication, but it’s old hat as a rodeo. Eventually, you become desensitized to it. Others tend to, more rapidly, so you don’t have to apologize for any concerns of coming off as blithe. That’s not unexpected.
I don’t pose a present risk to others, or to myself, before anyone gets too twisted into knots over that. Self harm has always only ever been a means to an end, for me- to outlet off some of the mental anguish and sublimate it into a sharper, more present physical pain to focus on and soothe. I know when too much is too much, and I have not crossed that line during this episode. All the damage has been survivable.
Also, if I seriously wanted to kill myself, I would have already downed my bottles of prescribed pills and cough syrups and the last of my SSRIs and washed it down with handfuls of Tylenol and Ibuprofen, all of which I have access to. I haven’t. (Largely out of fear of surviving it and ending up worse off.) I also, perhaps in a morbidly funny sort of way, have a terrible track record of going through with that properly. Bad at math. So there’s no real chance of me tolerating fucking it up again, I already have been having issues breathing, my health is shitty enough without adding liver damage to the mix.
The major variable has been people trying to involve my child in ridiculous internet arguments. That’s all. The other background droning is nothing out of the ordinary. I stopped identifying as trans in the past because of similar circumstances, and I suppose contemplating going back into the closet because it was more bearable once more was also particularly painful, but its small potatoes in the grand scheme of the enduring agonies. My torso is still destroyed. I’m coughing up blood intermittently, and have for weeks. I have bigger issues than social squabbling.
Anyway. I have not been doing well. I will likely continue to not be doing well. But I have certainly not been having a grand old fucking time prancing around on a mental health break, I did not want to be permanently shut out of something I contributed towards with no warning, but I’ve been dealing with intense suicidal ideation and disordered eating and self harm and psychotic features and God knows what else, all on my own. As is routine. But that is not nearly my biggest issue.