Occasionally the spam is fun

General Off-Topic Discussion
1

Most of the spam we get on this forum is either phishing, luxury handbags, or Ray-Ban sunglasses. But occasionally we get one like this:

Dear Friend,

My name is (Staff Sgt) STEVE GRAY , I’m an American soldier, who
is part of the term deployed to Iran on a secret mission to
monitor and prevent their bad leaders from achieving their
nuclear weapons and also to help them fight against terrorist.

Right now, I have a very desperate need for assistance and have
summoned up courage to contact you. I’m seeking your kind
assistance to move the sum of Eight Million United States Dollars
(US$8M) to you in the United States as far as I can be assured
that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my
service here.

The money was discovered in a barrel at a farmhouse near
Ayatollah Ali khamenei’s old house during a rescue operation. I
and Staff Sgt Kenneth Buff saw the money first and it was agreed
that we share part of it between us before informing anybody
about it.

I have now found a very secure way of getting the package to you
at home and I will discuss this with you when I’m sure that you
are willing to assist me.

Regards,

Sgt STEVE GRAY

I didn’t realize American soldiers were helping the Iranians fight against terrorists! That’s a better casus belli than most of the ones I’ve heard.

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2

To be fair “The money was discovered in a barrel at a farmhouse near” sounds totally out of an IF.
> Look in barrel

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3

…I am also curious about this “rescue operation”.

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4

Poor guy, he got demoted while he was in the middle of writing this letter.

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5

Probably a passing officer read it over his shoulder.

“Oh really Gray, not this stealing-millions-from-the-barrels crap again. DEMOTION!”

-Wade

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6

Perhaps there’s an opportunity for the spam to inspire games ideas.

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7

The very niche game of the Interactive Fiction Community Forum moderators cleaning up spam. Written for a potential audience of four whole people!

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8

Apparently this fighter against terrorism doesn’t understand stealing a country’s wealth is a war crime. Probably part of Hegseth’s new rules of engagement.

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9

A sequel to You are SpamZapper 3.1?

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10

And now I wonder if there are any IF titles where you have any dealings with a Nigerian Prince…

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11

Very RE:Dragon tbf, lol.

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12

Maybe they were trying to rescue $8M from Ayatollah’s house before their commanding officers found out?

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13

Hey, I’ve seen that movie!

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14

I always wondered why you get money for smashing pots and barrels in games like Zelda or similar. It’s nice to finally know that Ayatollah Khamenei put it there.

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15 
> X BARREL
You see nothing special about the barrel.

> SEARCH BARREL
It's filled to the brim with money!
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16

Just two weeks ago I got a spam email with the title “100% weight loss”. I found that extremely funny :slight_smile:

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17

the late Khamenei, 8M$ in a barrel, a farmhouse: Good ingredients for the good’ol SpeedIF, I daresay…

amused regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.

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18

It was very brave to include not only his, but also his partner’s full name with proof of their illegal activity. “Ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, huh?”

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19

That’s probably why he got demoted mid-email!

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20

A Nigerian Prince wanders in and hands you a note.

>Read Note

Try as you might, the note is virtually impossible to decipher. You suspect it may be written in English by someone who has barely encountered the language before.

>Give dictionary to Nigerian Prince

Taking the dictionary from you, he scans it briefly, flipping through the pages. You watch his lips move silently as he tries to understand some of the words. A look of realisation crosses his face as he hurriedly snatches the note off you, rips it into a million pieces and throws it in the air where the wind carries it away. Looking rather sheepish he thrusts a sack at you which you take. He then mutters an apology and scuttles off.

>Open bag

It is filled with lots of oblong pieces of paper. Your eyes widen as you realise it is money, lots and lots of money.

>Examine money

Your hearts beats fast as you realise you are rich beyond your wildest dreams. That is until you examine one of the notes more closely and realise that a 9 pund note and a 7 doolar bill are definitely not legal tender. Wondering briefly whether you should have kept the dictionary after all you wonder what to do next.

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