I did this earlier in the comp on the author’s board. They got worse and worse as I went on and ran out of ideas, but I’m including the bad ones too for the heck of it.
Brendan H.:
World: What is the function of a nautilus explorer?
You: To see the universe.
World: Please demonstrate the function of a Nautilus explorer.
You: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! (bursts through a giant glass eyeball)
Orihaus:
You solemnly ponder the vastness of a slate-colored sky above you. Picking your way through the shadowy clouds and shattered remnants of ice fields that once graced the landscape, you come across an archaic memory of your long-forgotten past: a cold, red crystal of ice.
Cherrywell:
x me
You are Nauti Loo, adventurer extraordinaire! You have light tan, straight tentacles and a medium-sized shell. You were voted Most Likely to Smash Something in high school!
x being
Jeepers! That squishy pink thing in the metal shell looks like a tin can full of pink jello!
Andrew Schultz:
hide
You quickly duck behind the Cover Cloud. The Planet Animal roars loudly, sending bursts of flame roaring at you.
rocket w
You smash through the Glasses Eye, and you discover that it was made of thousands of red cups, mugs, and other containers of liquids.
furkle:
YOU SMASH THE VACUUM FLASK INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. SUDDENLY THE SKY GOES BLACK AND A GIANT, MONSTROUS NAUTILUS APPEARS IN FRONT OF YOU.
-CALMLY DISCUSS THE WEATHER
-SMASH HIS EYE REPEATEDLY WITH YOUR HARDENED TENTACLES LIKE YOU RAN OUT OF TOILET PAPER AND HAD TO TEAR OFF CHUNKS OF WOOD FROM A CHAIR TO USE INSTEAD.
-SNEAK BEHIND HIM
CMG:
x playscript
Scene:
open sky, twilight
A nautilus encounters opposition
which is soon overcome
through unconventional means.
Stage directions:
inventory (i), examine (x)
rocket, crush
The Stormbeast is right before you. As it smashes you to bits with a cloudy tendril, it whispers, “You shouldn’t have wasted your turn looking at your playscript”.
*** Curtain ***
Sequitur:
You open your shell. Inside it: your lunch, some papers, and your passport (barely used).
Your passport brands you as a Auridian national, a developing world you left years ago. The “species” field says “squid”, although that’s not entirely accurate.
And then, you spot the eye, and the flying ice, just in your peripheral vision. And you just react.
Your beak chatters, your shell ducks out of the way, your tentacle spins in a way you didn’t know was possible, and your entire body gyrates, shell-first, at the eye. You stop just short of shattering the eye, and it’s shocking that you know that.
jepflast:
x stormbeast
The stormbeast is playing billiards with enormous pieces of ice. It’s enormous, glowing poolstick knocks a red chunk of ice into a pile of three adjacent balls, each of which bounces off of other chunks of ice before being swallowed by a small rip in the fabric of the world.
The stormbeast smiles, and adds a chalk line to the tallyboard.
x tallyboard
You see 1,993,843,394 lines on the tallyboard.
crush stormbeast
You break the red eye of the stormbeast. As you are swallowed into the beast’s center, you hear a voice sigh, saying “Finally…”
WesLesley:
Well, look likes it’s time to finally move on out of here. As long as you can find the chunk of frozen ice you left your power in. It has to be around here somewhere…
x icl
Okay, so “icl” sound totally reasonable and all, but I tried it and suddenly [snorting pig noise] and honestly I don’t want to go down that road again.
Uh… I mean… no idea what you’re talking about.
[after beating the stormbeast]
…You wake up, wearing red striped pajamas. You turn over, trying to get more sleep, only to see a nautilus version of Suzanne Pleschette. “Honey, I just had the strangest dream…” you say.
“That’s nice dear.”
“No, really! Someone was ordering me to fly around everywhere, and giving me strange commands, like ‘cut tentacles’. It was bizarre.”
You have reached the Bob Newhart ending
Hanon:
Put coin in water
You put the coin in a bubble of red water.
rocket north
The air is much colder. The water freezes into ice.
give ice to stormbeast
The stormbeast gleefully grabs the red ice. It gobbles it down quickly, then belches. A coin flies out, almost striking you.
The beast looks at the coin, and looks at you. Before you know it, you are dead.
You are dead
Would you like to RESTORE, RESTART, UNDO, or QUIT?
restart
You see a coin, a bubble, and naughty_nautilus_312 here. You also see a stormbeast.
x nautilus
The nautilus is chattering about. You see thousands of copper coins from his ice pop business tucked in his shell.
take nautilus
Taken.
put nautilus in bubble
Before they can react, you stuff the nautilus in the bubble.
rocket south
The nautilus is now frozen.
give nautilus to stormbeast
The stormbeast gleefully chomps on the nautilus. Suddenly, it turns purple. Unexpectedly, big dollar signs replace its eyes, and it starts spewing coins out into the air while shouting “Jackpot! Jackpot!”
Admin:“I don’t think it’s supposed to be doing that. Let’s shut this down.”
You have been shut down
catacalypto:
The stormbeast stands, waiting for you in the storm. “Why did you come?”
-To escape
-To explore
-I didn’t; you came to me.
“What did you bring me?”
-“Ice, because of my frozen hatred.”
-"Vacuum, because of my emptiness.
-“I brought nothing.”
Endings:
(If you chose Escape and Ice)
You smash the stormbeast to bits, ripping open the void to the next world, and watching the lifeblood of this one drain away to nothing. You laugh, victorious, as you are finally free of this accursed world.
(If you chose I didn’t and nothing)
You and stormbeast laugh together as he pours another mug of cocoa. You snuggle together against the fire and count the presents waiting for your children tomorrow morning. As you both stare into the fire, you say, “I wouldn’t have life any other way.”
(if you chose explore and vacuum)
“Okay,” whispers the stormbeast, “you distract the cyborgs, and I’ll get the cows. Meet me here in five minutes.”
You rush forward, and seize a miniature cow in each tentacle. Enter the name of each cow, representing a person who has wronged you:
-Fred
-Joey
-Zizm
You meet up with the stormbeast. Later, as you set each cow free, and they spread their wings, you see them fly far away, and you let go of the people involved. You look at the stormbeast, and she smiles.