(Before we start the list, this cavalcade of utter idiocy, happens in almost every Moffat Doctor Who episode. Moffat really makes Uwe Boll look intelligent.)
Everything Wrong With Doctor Who - The Day of The Doctor:
Moffat.
Too. Many. References.
Boy runs halfway across school because somebody’s doctor calls.
Rich school can’t afford a biker teacher a private locker to store her biking gear in.
The Doctor leaves an address to the middle of nowhere.
Biker woman does a casual chicken race with the TARDIS main control panel.
“Advanced Quantum Mechanics”, written by absolutely nobody.
“Anchient mesopotamia, future Mars and cocktails on the moon.” - Series expects english audience to identify and feel sorry for spoiled, snobbish people.
The impregnable TARDIS kidnapped by a common towing helicopter, and somehow can’t escape it.
Referrence to the most popular doctor in the series, that made nerds look cool, handled by having a stereotypical dorky nerd woman wear a scarf.
Intelligence agency had no idea that The Doctor was still inside his own giant time-machine, and executive is shocked and surprised over this.
Intelligence agency hopes to force a meeting with The Doctor by kidnapping his TARDIS, in broad daylight. WOULD “it kill them to knock”?
Apparently the TARDIS has four hand holds installed on the underside of it, just in case somebody needs to hold on to it while it’s flying.
Companion girl seems overly pleased with The Doctor hanging by his arms, instead of trying to supply him with a rope.
Eight red doubledecker busses can be seen in the same shot of London. What are the odds?
Intelligence agency brings a man hanging from a police box suspended by helicopter, to a meeting with armed special forces soldiers and the agency executive,
in the middle of a square outside the national gallery in broad daylight, surrounded by an onlooking crowd, and executive isn’t fired on grounds of insanity.
Intelligence agency executive brings her daughter everywhere, because nepotism.
“Chief scientific officer” - Intelligence agency executive has bogus title.
Intelligence agency is blindly acting on sealed orders from 17th century queen.
The Doctor tries to impress companion by claiming he’s actually working for british intelligence.
3D painting is kept in civilian british gallery.
An advanced time-travelling culture can paint in extremely detailed 3D, but still uses oil paint instead of computer rendering.
Judging by the flying lasers in the background, the painter painted this during an overwhelming assault on his home planet, before we assume he was killed
and the painting destroyed.
Time-travelling culture uses Earth greek letter priorities, just in reverse.
Doctor needs a soldiers gun during the middle of an assault, to write grafitti with.
Judging by these shots, half of Gallifrey consists of innocent little children.
“Exterminate!” repeated for the billionth time - the only thing really impressive about The Doctors most feared enemies, are their spooky voice synthesizers
and narrow vocabulary. They really ARE using harsh language instead of guns.
The Daleks triumphanty exclaim that they have the last surviving time lord surrounded, on the home planet of the time lords.
Doctor pilots the TARDIS through stone wall, like if he’s driving a car.
Time lord commander is more concerned with The Doctor, than the Dalek assault. Apparently the rogue time lord is the bigger threat to their planet.
The most secret weapon of a forbidden weapons storage, is kept on display in the center of one of its rooms.
Doomsday weapon is named after pure cheese, just so somebody can go: “The moment is gone!”
Single farm storage cottage in the middle of an arid desert.
Sticks and green leaves on the ground of said cottage.
Sentient doomsday device from advanced civilization uses clockwork technology with exposed moving parts.
Doctor doesn’t question a woman appearing in an empty room in the middle of an arid desert.
Series has a real extreme, unhealthy obsession with children. According to The Doctor, only actual children have human value, and the rest you can apparently
just eradicate without even counting them.
British intelligence agency is trustworthy enough to hand Doctor Who sealed instructions without first scanning the paper for its contents and forging a
letter writing additional demands. Doctor Who chooses to trust them enough to buy a common wax seal.
“Deadly danger to England is locked away” for centuries in the undergallery of the national gallery, instead of safely in a high-security military
installation.
Elisabeth I was quite famous for never marrying, yet refers to The Doctor as “my husband”.
White lab coats are standard science wear in the national gallery.
The Doctor uses the fact the Elisabeth I was famous for never marrying, as the prime evidence for her actually being a space alien.
The Doctor likes to date people he suspects to be shapeshifting space aliens, and take them for horse rides inside his TARDIS.
The Doctor produces a ridiculously huge shapeshifter DNA detector from his back pocket, which doesn’t make a sound until he brings it out.
The Doctor remarks that somebody he suspects to be a zygon, is a remarkably good kisser. He willingly kissed an alien that he knows has "venom sacs in its
tounge".
Horse in background flips around from side to front and side again, before turning into a zygon.
Zygon infiltrates queens picnic disguised as a ridden horse.
Zygon doesn’t close the distance as a horse before turning back, and ends up being outrun.
The Doctor comment on him destroying history by marrying Elisabeth I.
Tennants doctor is brought back only to have his reknowned brilliance be made a fool of repeatedly.
You can tell who’s the real Elisabeth I. She’s the one acting like a gleeful she-devil. Also, why isn’t the zygon bleeding from stab wounds at this point?
Secret gallery is hidden behind huge painting.
Said painting is depicting Elisabeth I standing beside a strange man, yet lacks even a name plaque.
The only person NOT a member of an intelligence agency, is observant enough to notice and conclude that a gallery floor shouldn’t be covered in sand.
A lit blowfish and a fez is deemed “too dangerous for public consumption”.
“Glass is on the outside” mystery cliché.
The Doctor “almost remembers” a dangerous reality fissure, yet reacts as if he was expecting it sooner or later.
The Doctor delights in wearing fezes, despite him distinctively remembering recieving a fez from a portal on the day he vaguely remembers blowing up
Gallifrey. Does “trauma association” mean anything?
The Doctor bullies himself.
The Smiths Doctor apparently wears glasses.
Doctor gets kissed by an alien with venom sacs on its tounge, but never suffers any ill effects from it.
The royal guard wants to behead The Doctor over the queen being “bewitched”, despite her being the real queen. Has killing a zygon just made her unusually
pissy?
“What are you gonna do - assemble a cabinet at them?” The Doctor’s screwdriver has never assembled anything to this date.
Given that there’s no other humans in the gallery, why isn’t Clara a zygon at this point?
The Doctor jokes about there being wi-fi to 17th century guards. Lame.
Instead of bringing some dust to a lab, why not bring the whole lab down to the dust instead?
One of the covered statues are praying like a crying angel, yet they’re all just zygons.
The secret door to the secret gallery, is made out of two centimetre plaster.
Instead of routinely using “memory filters” to wipe the memories off all the visitors of the “black archive”, including the guards, why not simply put the
displayed objects in unnamed boxes instead, marking them “Do Not Open”?
Clara Oswald is apparently an undercover infiltrator working for UNIT, with a “top level security rating”. She just doesn’t remember it.
UNIT makes an entire secret vault “TARDIS proof”, yet as long as his companions are screened, they’re cleared to enter.
The TARDIS proofed vault contains a vortex manipulator which is meant to open time portals in unclear ways, that the Doctor both knows about and is the sole
possessor of the activation code to.
UNIT is afraid that the US would steal and use a time altering device for their own shoddy ends, yet it never occurs to them that they could use it
themselves.
Seriously, what is it with The Doctors obsession with children? It’s not even creepy - it’s autistic.
Doctor conducts a genius plan that depends on him programming his screwdriver, getting out of the cell, meeting up with his former selves, being imprisoned
again, getting out of the cell again, meeting up with himself again, and getting imprisoned again. What’s a time paradox?
The cell door to the tower of London, is apparently not only not locked, but also has no lock at all.
Elisabeth I talks as if she’s a zygon despite no other zygon being around.
Apparently the zygons need to keep their victims alive and covered with tentacles to retain their form, so why can the zygon imitating the escaped nerd girl
retain her form?
After getting rid of the zygons, how come Elisabeth I doesn’t simply destroy the paintings, or have The Doctor dispose of them on an empty planet, or warn
anyone about the pictures containing future-invading zygons? Is she clueless about how the present and the future is connected?
The zygons initial plan is to travel forward in time, to acquire the vortex manipulator, along with its activation code, so that they can… …do what
exactly? Travel back in time to acquire the means to travel forward in time?
How does Elisabeth I “procure” the TARDIS? Was it stolen in the first place?
Marriage ceremony conducted in a tent outside a perfectly good castle presumably with a perfectly good chapel.
Again, Elisabeth I was quite famous for never marrying.
As a precaution, a nuclear bomb can be activated that will blow up The Black Archive, and The Tower of London. …and LONDON??? “Unbelievably stupid” is an
understatement.
The Black Archives appears to contain a Dalek. Wouldn’t this superior foe be better suited being disassembled and reverse engineered for improved beam
weapons and plating?
“This is not a decision that you will EVER be able to live with!” Compare this with “Once you make it down here alive, you’re already dead.”.
The TARDIS can’t land in the archives, but a vortex manipulator worked just fine.
How did the three doctors get into the painting of Gallifrey? Did they all travel there? Did they manage to somehow find a shard of it? I thought Gallifrey was a planet locked away beyond time and space. …to keep the time lords imprisoned.
The solution is to have both parties negotiate a treaty. …for the shapeshifters to live on Earth, and hope that they behave?
Inhaler reveals that one of them has figured out that they’re a zygon, but the scene doesn’t lead anywhere.
We never see the treaty resolve, Doctor Who doesn’t solve it, and it is never brought up again.
The two future doctors travel to the shed where Hurts doctor is intending to blow himself up, intending to blow themselves up with him, and Hurts doctor is still determined to blow them all up because they turned out just fine. Yes, he’s somehow promised to survive by The Moment, but the moment isn’t time-locked, so won’t the other two doctors die when they explode? Won’t Clara explode?
Smith’s Doctor is dubbed the Doctor Doctor, despite having behaved as a complete child throughout the seasons.
Seriously, stop it with the fucking children already. If I ever see another child, I’m gonna barf all over them.
Smith’s doctor easily disables a doomsday device with a screwdriver, the same device that Hurt’s doctor tried to operate with his bare hands despite him also having a screwdriver.
The doctors come up with a brilliant plan that they all cheer about to drive it home to the viewers: The Daleks aren’t expecting two more time lords on the time lord homeworld.
The Daleks surrounding Gallifrey are all expected to “destroy themselves in their own crossfire”. This would only work if all Daleks were of diametrical opposites, and wouldn’t know how to stop firing or navigate to avoid laser beams. That the most horrible plan that Tennants doctor has ever come up with.
The strategic battle map is dumbed down to “Gallifrey Stands” in big letters. Moffat wouldn’t want a five year old watching this show to not get this.
“I don’t supposed we’ll ever know if we actually succeeded.” - So to recap, a 3D painting is described to be “a slice of real time”, painted with the use of a “stasis cube”, and can be used for suspended animation, and the doctors all come up with the plan to stasis Gallifrey, using stasis cubes, to make it “frozen in an instant of time, safe and hidden away, exactly like a painting”, yet nobody figured out where Gallifrey went after that.
Hurt’s Doctor aims to be half the man Clara is, despite her never having shown him any bravery.
After a big introduction, Hurt’s Doctor is only the Doctor for a single episode. By the way, with Hurt’s doctor actually counting as a real Doctor now, does this make Smith’s Doctor actually the twelfth Doctor? …making all the references to the number eleven in the series really pointing to Tennant’s Doctor?
Hurt’s Doctor seems to choose the most tarnished TARDIS, and Tennant’s Doctor the half-tarnished, leaving Smith with a brand new TARDIS instead of the oldest one.
The Doctor muses about becoming a curator of the undergallery despite Elisabeth I having already appointed him that very title at the beginning of the episode.
Mysterious visit from a not-so-mysterious Fourth Doctor, who apparently grew old and retired as a gallery curator instead of regenerating.
Congratulation scene doesn’t make the least bit of sense, and interrupts dialogue saying basically “What will you do now? Who knows?”.
To recap, at this point everybody watching knows where the “lost” Gallifrey went. Watch Doctor Who spending the next seasons running around looking for Gallifrey in the most mindnumbing seasons yet, and find it in some complete other way and place, because “the painting is what the viewers would expect, so we can’t have that”.
Close on line of Doctors, containing doll-looking Doctor dolls and the visage of the fourth doctor frozen in an inhuman grin.
I have enough fun with Dwarf and MST, old though they are.