Start of a transcript of: A Smörgåsbord of Pain An Anastasia Adventure by FLACRabbit Release 1.0 / Serial number 250828 / Inform 7 v10.1.2 Inform 7 v10.1.2 Identification number: //025A2DFC-F63F-425A-A303-44073D4B98D8// Interpreter version 1.3.7 / VM 3.1.3 Parser Interface by FLACRabbit Advanced Choice-Based Interaction by FLACRabbit Subpositions by FLACRabbit ASoP Smorgasbord Rules by FLACRabbit Glulx Music Effects by Flac Rabbit >about A Smörgåsbord of Pain is the sequel to A Matter of Heist Urgency, released in IFComp 2022. Try the first game if you haven't already! This game contains combat and stealth scenes. These sections play more like a video game or a tabletop RPG than a traditional puzzle parser game. Don't worry too much about >SAVE and >RESTORE, though - you can always >RETRY a scene if you lose, or even >CONTINUE with the game anyway. It's hard to actually get stuck! If you're confused about what's going on or unsure what to do, try listing >COMMANDS, or asking for a >HINT. If you find a bug or suspect that you are in an unwinnable state, contact me on the intfiction.org forum (username FLACRabbit). If you're playing online on ifcomp.org, you can leave a comment in your transcript by adding an asterisk to the start of your command. Copyright 2025 by FLACRabbit. This game is free to play and distribute. >credits Thank you to ferkung and jay__ram, whose Let's Play video for A Matter of Heist Urgency provided the initial inspiration and the title. Thank you to otistdog for "knowing where to kick" and providing some solutions to obscure or difficult parser issues. Thank you to all my beta-testers: Robert Eggleston, Anssi, and two anonymous friends. Thank you to Graham Nelson, for writing Inform 7, and Emily Short, for writing "Writing with Inform". One without the other would be useless. See >CREDITS MUSIC for information on the software and plugins I used to make the soundtrack. >l Dining Area You're in the dining area of The Smorgasbord. The atmosphere is tacky and cheap; hunting lodge decor vies with elegant Parisian floral-printed curtains for attention. There are several booths spaced out along the walls. To the east, you can enter the buffet itself, and the entrance is to the southwest. You are seated at a table with your horse coworkers Sheila and Edna, sipping on your ice water. Edna nods. "Like, what are you even supposed to put on one of those? 'I should be more punctual about filing my self-improvement reports?'" They both laugh a little. "I know, right?" says Sheila. 1. "Maybe you should work on not cutting ahead in line when we're getting coffee." 2. "Maybe you should work on doing some accounting." 3. "Maybe you should work on being less annoying." >undo Dining Area [Previous turn undone.] >1 "Yeah, apparently they were due yesterday. But we all forgot so it's fine." She tosses her mane and giggles. "It's a stupid idea, isn't it? Like, if we knew what we were supposed to be doing better, we'd be doing it!" 1. "Yeah, it is." 2. "No, you should really think about trying to do some self-improvement." >ask sheila about alan "How's Alan today? Good mood or bad mood?" you ask. "Bad for sure," Sheila says with a derisive laugh. "You've never even seen his bad side, Bess." 1. "Maybe that's because I actually do work." 2. "Yes I have!" 3. "I guess you're right." >* pretty robust! [Thank you for your feedback!] >2 Sheila shakes her head. "Yeah, it must be great being Employee of the Month," she says. "Totally oblivious to everybody else's problems." Edna puts down her water and speaks up. "Anyway," she says, "What's up with this place? You told me it was going to be nice." 1. "It seems fine to me." 2. "I don't know, it seems a little weird." 3. "I can't pass judgement until I've tried the food." >2 Sheila sighs and throws up her hooves. "OK, whatever. I'll wait until I get my food to decide one way or the other." 1. "I mean, the host was a llama." 2. "I don't know, something just seems off." >x sheila Sheila is the kind of accountant that never does any accounting. She has huge, gold-rimmed designer sunglasses that match the blond of her coat. You glance surreptitiously over at the two shady-looking horses flanking the front door entrance. They gave you a brief nod when you arrived, but still, you have an uneasy feeling about them. Sheila shakes her head. "Well, maybe you'll change your mind when you get your food." >undo Dining Area [Previous turn undone.] >1 "What even is the deal with you and llamas, Bess?" demands Sheila. "Did one of them pick on you when you were a kid or something?" You glance surreptitiously over at the two shady-looking horses flanking the front door entrance. They gave you a brief nod when you arrived, but still, you have an uneasy feeling about them. >x horses They're hanging out inconspicuously near the entrance, one on either side of the front door. One of them is a big, muscular Clydesdale; the other is a brown pony. "When do you think we're going to get our menus?" she asks. 1. "I don't know." 2. "Shouldn't be too long." 3. "Are there even waiters at buffets?" >3 Sheila and Edna look at each other. "I feel like there are sometimes," says Sheila, "but they don't, like, take your order and bring you your food." Edna nods dubiously. "I guess..." 1. "I hope we at least get menus." 2. "I don't think there are, usually." >* this is amusing to me [Thank you for your feedback!] >2 "Depends on your definition, I guess," says Sheila. "I mean, is a waiter someone who has a notebook, and, like, a pen, and stuff? Or just someone who works at a restaurant and talks to customers?" She stops once she realizes that nobody is listening to her anymore. "Hey, there's our waiter," says Edna, pointing to the east, into the buffet. A tall llama with an elegant moustache and a black suit is heading your way. "I guess we'd better decide what we want to order." "I think I'll have some wonton soup," muses Sheila. "Or maybe that's too many calories." >i You are carrying nothing, but you are wearing your glasses. The waiter approaches your table, nods slightly, turns to Edna (who's closest), and inquires with raised eyebrows, "What would Mademoiselle like today?" "Um, a hamburger, I guess?" she says. Sheila shakes her head. "Very good choice," says the waiter. "The buffet is that way. Get it yourself!" He gives you an odd look out of the corner of his eye. >x waiter He has an elegant little llama moustache and a smarmy half-smile permanently stuck on his face. He's holding a notebook and a pen. "How about you?" he asks Sheila, holding his pen poised above his notebook. "Um," says Sheila, stalling, "maybe I'll have some of those potato dumplings?" "Just dumplings?" >x moustache If you are thinking that a moustache on a llama would look a little weird, you are correct. "Yeah, just dumplings." finishes Sheila. "Mmhm, mmhm. Very good," says the waiter, glancing at his book. He finally turns to face you. "And you, Mad-" Suddenly he starts with shock. His eyes go wide. "Are you... yes, I recognize you up close!" he mutters under his breath. You see him looking back and forth between you and a picture of you in his notebook. "Are you OK, Bess?" asks Sheila, seeing you jump half out of your chair. Maybe it's time to get out of here... now that the llamas have realized that you're Anastasia, your secret identity might easily be compromised! "No need to leave so soon, Mademoiselle..." says the waiter, apparently having recovered his composure. He raises his hooves in a vaguely threatening way. >x notebook On one of the open pages, you notice a photo of your face - as Anastasia, not as Bess - probably clipped out of a newspaper. Below that, it says "WANTED." You'll have to act soon - the llama is still moving! >sw The host looks like he's getting ready to intercept you if you try to escape out the front. There must be another way. >e You slip past the waiter and head purposefully into the buffet - there's a side door in the northeast corner that you might be able to take. Edna calls out to you. "Bess?" "I'll be right back," you say vaguely. Buffet Entrance You're in the very front of the buffet, at the end of the long central corridor. The dining area is to the west, and the buffet corridor extends east. You could also go north to the drinks section or south to the serving station. The waiter is behind you, in the dining area. [See feelie #1 for a map of the buffet area. If you don't have a copy of the feelies, you can display them in-game by typing (for instance) >FEELIE 1.] "Actually, I'm not sure about the dumplings. Where's the Southwest salad?" demands Sheila. "What?" says the waiter distractedly, staring after you as you take off into the buffet. "I said, where's the Southwest salad?" You also catch a flicker of movement near the entrance; the two bouncers are leaving hurriedly through the front door. >* do we need a disguise? Seems like we're rumbled so doesn't matter [Thank you for your feedback!] >s You turn to the right out of the corridor and barrel south, glancing over your shoulder nervously. The south wall is several meters ahead of you. Another llama - with a chef's hat and an apron - bursts out of the back and keeps running. He must be a pastry chef. "I will cut ze customer off!" he yells to the waiter. "Keep following her!" "Uh... Excuse me, I will return shortly," says the waiter. "I must check on your companion." He turns toward the buffet and breaks into a trot. "The service here is terrible," complains Edna. "Seriously, what was that about?" >x station You can't see any station here. [Try using a different word or phrase.] >l Serving Station The serving station is divided into sections: a stack of plates, cheap silverware in three smaller compartments, and a rack of thin drinking glasses. The waiter is behind you, in the dining area. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >* doesn't look automatically, seems like [Thank you for your feedback!] >take plates You don't need a plate - you have to escape! >e There's a row of food bins in the way! >s You charge south, hooves clacking on the tiled floor. The south wall of the buffet is right in front of you - you'll have to turn left. "Hey, is there any kale in the salad bar?" calls out Sheila to the waiter. There's no reply. "What's going on?" she wonders, turning to Edna. "It's like they're all chasing Bess. Is there some kind of kitchen emergency?" The waiter charges into the buffet after you. "Jacques!" he calls to another llama - a busboy, apparently - who's refilling a bin of lutefisk in the south of the buffet. "Help me catch zis customer!" "Um... all right!" says the busboy, breaking into a canter. You can hear the pastry chef galloping north behind you. He's probably in the fruit bar now. >e Pushing off the wall, you turn left and gallop east, nearly slipping. The south wall of the buffet is just to your right The side door is on the other side of the central corridor from here. The pastry chef llama continues running north, to the dessert bar ahead and to your left. The busboy gallops west, body-slams you, and grabs your front leg! You hear the waiter llama's echoing hoofbeats behind you several meters away as the llama charges to the serving station. >l Middle Lutefisk Section A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, it's shaped into cubes. You are being chased through the buffet by llamas. The back door is in the northeast corner. The waiter is at the serving station, the pastry chef llama is in the dessert bar, and the busboy is in the middle of the lutefisk section. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >* lotta lutefisk [Thank you for your feedback!] >kick lutefusk You can't see any lutefusk here. >kick lutefisk There's no reason to destroy the lutefisk cubes. >kick busboy There's no other option. Without thinking about how you're going to explain this later, you knee-strike the busboy and hit him in the face with a straight cross as soon as his grip loosens. You're free! He looks a little dizzy and leans against the nearest row of bins. "I have been told she can be violent," yells the waiter. "Oh my god!" exclaims Sheila. "Did Bess just punch that guy?" The pastry chef has arrived near the door. He's moving over to block it, staring at you the way a goalie looks at a hockey puck. The mustachioed waiter's pounding hoofsteps ring out behind you, just a few meters behind! >n You turn to the left and rush north. You're slightly to the south of the central corridor, which lies ahead of you. The door is on the other side of the central corridor from here. The pastry chef is still blocking the door. You hear the mustachioed waiter's hooves skidding on the floor behind you as he turns left, barely managing to keep up. >n You hurry north, between bins of pickles and mashed turnips. You're slightly west of the center of the corridor, which continues to your left and right. There's another aisle in front of you, on the other side of the central corridor. The door is ahead and to the right; it's still pretty far away. The pastry chef is still blocking the door. The elegant waiter and the busboy llama charge north in tandem, their hoofsteps echoing through the buffet behind you! >* lotta granularity on which direction we entered from [Thank you for your feedback!] >e You turn to the right and dash east. You're about halfway through the central corridor, near the center of the buffet. The double doors to the kitchen are far ahead of you. Aisles branch off to the left and right. The side door is ahead and to the left; it's getting closer. The pastry chef llama is still blocking the door. The waiter gallops north to the area west of the center of the buffet, with the busboy close behind! They're just a few meters behind you. >n You turn to the left out of the corridor and scramble north. The north wall is several meters ahead of you. The side door is ahead and to the right; it's getting closer. The pastry chef is still blocking the door. Neck and neck, the waiter llama and the busboy llama run east to the center of the buffet. >l Southwest Salad Bar The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. You are being chased through the buffet by llamas. The back door is in the northeast corner. The elegant waiter is in the center of the buffet, the pastry chef llama is in the dessert bar, and the busboy llama is in the center of the buffet. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >throw bin You can't reach the bins from the Southwest salad bar. They are . >* oops! [Thank you for your feedback!] >take bin You can't reach the bins from the Southwest salad bar. They are . >dump sauerkraut (on the glasses) (first taking the sauerkraut) You don't have time to mess around with the food. >n You barrel north, between bins of artichokes and sauerkraut. The north wall of the buffet is right in front of you - you'll have to turn left or right. The door is on the wall in front of you far to your right. The pastry chef is still blocking the door. The elegant waiter and the busboy llama charge north in tandem, their hoofsteps echoing through the buffet behind you! >e Pushing off the wall, you turn right and rush east, along the north wall. The door is just a few meters ahead, on the wall to your left. The pastry chef llama is still blocking the door. Neck and neck, the waiter llama and the busboy llama run north to the northwest part of the salad bar. >s You turn to the right and hurry south. You're slightly to the north of the central corridor, which lies ahead of you. The pastry chef llama is still blocking the door. The elegant waiter gallops east to the northeast part of the salad bar, with the busboy close behind! They're just a few meters behind you. >l By the Ice Cream Maker You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." You are being chased through the buffet by llamas. The back door is in the northeast corner. The waiter llama is in the northeast part of the salad bar, the pastry chef is in the dessert bar, and the busboy is in the northeast part of the salad bar. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >kick maker That doesn't seem like it would help very much. >s You charge south. You're over halfway through the central corridor. There's another aisle in front of you, on the other side of the central corridor. The pastry chef is still blocking the door. The waiter llama and the busboy charge south in tandem, their hoofsteps echoing through the buffet behind you! >e Pushing off the wall, you turn left and gallop east. You're at the end of the hallway - the doors are right in front of you. The aisle leading to the dessert section (and the back door) branches off to your left. That's the way to go! The pastry chef llama is still blocking the door. The waiter llama gallops south to the area east of the center of the buffet, with the busboy llama close behind! They're just a few meters behind you. >e Going into the kitchen seems like a bad idea. >* aww come on [Thank you for your feedback!] >l East End of Buffet Corridor You're at the back of the buffet, right next to the steel doors that lead into the kitchen. The corridor extends west. You are being chased through the buffet by llamas. The back door is in the northeast corner. The waiter is east of the center of the buffet, the pastry chef llama is in the dessert bar, and the busboy llama is east of the center of the buffet. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >n Pushing off the wall, you turn left out of the corridor and dash north. The side door is set into the north wall, several meters directly ahead of you. The side door is ahead; it's getting closer. The pastry chef llama is still blocking the door. Neck and neck, the mustachioed waiter and the busboy llama run east to the east end of the corridor. >l Fruit Bar Most of the bins here are filled with an unusual blend of mixed fruit. You notice that a few are filled entirely with pomelos. There must have been a surplus of them. You are being chased through the buffet by llamas. The back door is in the northeast corner. The mustachioed waiter is at the east end of the corridor, the pastry chef is in the dessert bar, and the busboy llama is at the east end of the corridor. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >take pomelos You don't have time to mess around with the food. >n You speed up, trying to dodge past the pastry chef, but he sidesteps and body-slams you, bringing your motion to a sudden halt. You step backward, disoriented, and he grabs your left front arm. "I have got ze horse!" he yells. The side door is right here - you've almost escaped! Neck and neck, the waiter llama and the busboy run north to the fruit bar. >kick chef You shake your head philosophically - violence leads only to more violence. A hook to the side of the head is sufficient to get the pastry chef llama to loosen his grip; you kick him as you separate. Edna and Sheila stare at you in shock. "She's out of control!" yells the busboy at the kitchen doors. "We need some help, Magnus!" The llamas begin to withdraw, some looking at you warily, some rubbing their heads. "You'll pay for this if you ever come back," yells one of them. "Bess, you have to calm down," calls out Sheila, with an edge of panic in her voice. Ignoring your coworker's horrified expressions, you rush through the buffet and fling open the back door before the llamas can regroup and come after you again. You emerge into the alleyway behind the building. Hardly stopping, you gallop toward the mouth of the alleyway - and almost run right into the pair of horses you saw near the entrance, now silhouetted in the square of daylight between the narrow brick walls. Instinctively bringing your hooves into a guard position, you back up. "Nothing personal, lady," says the pony. He looks like the small and wiry type. "Just following our orders, ya know?" "What were they again?" says the Clydesdale. "To rough her up a bit, you idiot!" says the pony. "What a stupid question." 1. "I'm not the horse you're looking for." 2. "Gentlemen, good evening. A word with one of you?" 3. "Are you in the habit of accosting strangers after lunch?" 4. Attempt to intimidate them by flexing your muscles. 5. Prepare for battle. >2 "We're not rehearsing Hamlet, we're having a rumble!" insists the pony, exasperated. "Come on, let's beat her up." [Please press any key to continue.] Alley You're in a narrow, dark, and crumbling dead end of an alleyway, sandwiched between two towering brick walls. The main street is to the west, and the side door of the Smorgasbord is back to the south. Bits of debris and trash litter the ground underhoof. There's a rusty old trash can here, its lid slightly askew. You narrow your eyes, considering your options. Since they're not llamas, you don't want to just beat them up - maybe if you concentrate on defending, they'll realize they can't win... The hulking horse starts barreling heavily toward you, his hooves thundering on the pavement! What do you do? >save [You can't save during the alley fight. But don't worry - the game autosaves for you at the start of the scene, and you can retry it as many times as you like.] >kick trash can There's a horrifically loud, echoing clatter when your hoof connects with the side of the can. The lid flies into the air and crashes down onto the pavement. The can itself bounces and rolls into the path of the towering horse, who stumbles and backtracks in surprise. It eventually rolls to a halt further down the alley, behind your opponent. The hulking horse draws back his hoof and prepares to deliver a punch to your chest. What are you going to do? >take lid You snatch up the lid and desperately try to bring it into position. You raise the lid and deflect the thug's hoof - but the impact throws you backward and knocks it out of your hoof. The towering horse spins into a low sweep kick that looks more like a breakdancing move than a real attack. How do you react? >jump You jump over the big horse's hind leg and land gracefully, if not quite as softly as a butterfly. After glancing at his companion, the big horse begins charging at you while the pony aims a side kick at your head. >take lid You snatch up the lid and desperately try to bring it into position. You bring up the metal disc just in time. You can feel the jolt travel up your arm, but the lid protects you from anything worse. Your makeshift shield isn't quite fast enough against a lunging attack. The towering horse crashes into you and the impact hurls you to the ground. You feel the jolt rattling through your skeleton, but you jump back on your hooves quickly enough to avoid further harm. The hulking horse winds up for another heavy punch. What are you going to do? >dodge Do you want to duck, jump, or sidestep? >sidestep You slip to the side and his punch narrowly misses you. He stumbles forward, trying to regain his balance. The little thug sidles up to you with the loose stance of an experienced street fighter. You edge away, bracing yourself - then he launches a lightning-fast jab at your head! You have a split second to react - what do you do? >duck You duck, letting his attack whoosh overhead, and recover your balance immediately. A memory flits through your mind - your kung-fu master, the Old Camel, lecturing you about defense. "Always turn a defensive action into an attack if you can, Anastasia," he had said. "Tripping your opponents, using judo throws... all these techniques allow you to redirect an opponent's energy. Technically, you did not even attack!" Clyde suddenly has a brilliant idea (by his standards, at least). He strains and pulls at a loose PVC pipe sticking out of one of the walls, and a segment of it snaps off! He brandishes his new weapon, advancing on you. As the wiry pony launches into a series of blows, the big horse leaps forward and starts a sweep kick. >* who's clyde? [Thank you for your feedback!] >throw big You can only perform judo throws when both hooves are free! >trip wiry The little pony's leg isn't exposed, so you can't trip him. The wiry pony lands several punches on your neck and body and knocks the wind out of you. Your hooves shoot out from under you as the massive horse's sweep kick hits you. You fall on your side, but get back up. The little pony throws another jab at your head! You have a split second to react - what do you do? >undo [You can't undo during the alley fight. But don't worry - the game autosaves for you at the start of the scene, and you can retry it as many times as you like.] >throw lid at little You don't want to cause any collateral damage. >sidestep You dodge down and to the side, avoiding the blow, and you both recover your balance quickly. Morgan grabs a loose brick from one dusty corner of the alley and tosses it up and down, feeling its weight. The towering horse circles around and brings the pipe down at your head. Meanwhile, the pony throws a brick. >deflect brick I only understood you as far as wanting to deflect. >deflect You discover that it's very difficult to parry a brick. "Nice try, Power Pony," laughs the little pony. You recall an unarmed defense technique the Old Camel once taught you, and stop the big horse's arm in the middle of the chop. He wrenches himself free and backs up, staring at you warily. You fight to maintain consciousness, but you feel yourself falling. Everything goes black, and the last thing you remember is the sound of the two thugs laughing over your defeat. "We'll be moving up the ranks at Bastion of the Sea in no time at all," one of them chuckles... That didn't go very well. Would you like to RETRY the scene, CONTINUE despite having lost, or RAGEQUIT? >retry Okay, let's try that again... Alley You're in a narrow, dark, and crumbling dead end of an alleyway, sandwiched between two towering brick walls. The main street is to the west, and the side door of the Smorgasbord is back to the south. Bits of debris and trash litter the ground underhoof. There's a rusty old trash can here, its lid slightly askew. You narrow your eyes, considering your options. Since they're not llamas, you don't want to just beat them up - maybe if you concentrate on defending, they'll realize they can't win... The wiry pony tenses up and lunges at you, hoof outstretched! How do you react? >trip wiry The pony's headlong attack has left him off-balance, so it's easy to trip him. "Ow!" complains the thug. He gets up again, rubbing his head and looking exasperated. The bigger thug spins into a low sweep kick that looks more like a breakdancing move than a real attack. How do you react? >trip wiry The little thug isn't attacking you right now! >trip bigger You block the hulking horse's kick with your own leg, taking the impact gracefully. The thug manages to stay upright, though - he's really heavy. The towering horse starts barreling heavily toward you, his hooves thundering on the pavement! What do you do? >throw towering You rotate, brace yourself, and send the charging horse head over hooves onto the pavement. There's a heavy thud. "Oof..." groans the thug, lying motionless for a second. Then he picks himself up and readies a combat stance with an effort. The bigger thug starts another sweep kick. How do you react? >jump You jump over the hulking horse's hind leg and land gracefully, if not quite as softly as a butterfly. The hulking horse draws back his hoof and prepares to deliver a punch to your chest. What are you going to do? >throw hulking The towering horse isn't moving fast enough for you to be able to throw him. You grunt involuntarily and stumble backward under the force of the bigger thug's punch. The towering horse charges at you again! What do you do? >throw hulking Again, you grab the horse by the hips and hurl him onto the concrete. He lies there for a second. He picks himself up and readies a combat stance. Then he falls to the ground again, unconscious. "It's a duel now, eh?" says the pony. The pony sidles up to you with the loose stance of an experienced street fighter. You edge away, bracing yourself - then he launches a lightning-fast jab at your head! You have a split second to react - what do you do? >throw pony The wiry pony isn't moving fast enough for you to be able to throw him. The little pony's jab catches you in the chin. You shake off the disorientation. Morgan grabs a loose brick from one dusty corner of the alley and tosses it up and down, feeling its weight. The little pony winds up and sends the brick, spinning end-over-end, at your head! Your reflexes are fast; what do you do? >dodge Do you want to duck, jump, or sidestep? >sidestep You dodge aside just in time - the brick narrowly flies past you and bounces off one of the walls. The pony launches into a side kick aimed at your head! You have a moment to decide what to do. >trip pony The little thug's move looks cool, but his technique is bad: he left his leg completely exposed. You dodge back and grab his hoof as it whips past your head, knocking him off-balance. The thug tumbles to the ground and sprawls there, unmoving. You lean against the wall and shake your head, looking at the fresh set of bruises you just acquired. Who are those toughs working for, anyway? Alley You're in a narrow, dark, and crumbling dead end of an alleyway, sandwiched between two towering brick walls. The main street is to the west, and the side door of the Smorgasbord is back to the south. Bits of debris and trash litter the ground underhoof. The big horse is stretched full length on the ground here, knocked out cold. So is the smaller horse. There's a rusty old trash can here, its lid slightly askew. You can also see a pipe here. >save Save failed. >x pipe It's a few feet of PVC pipe, sticking out of the brick wall on the right side with the end broken off. It looks loose, though. >take it You break the exposed length of pipe off the wall. A young, professional-looking camel strolls past, glancing at you oddly. >x camel You can't see any camel here. >search smaller You kneel down and check through the thug's pockets quickly. After a few seconds, you find his wallet! >x wallet It's a little old and beaten up. Inside you find a business card. A pair of alpacas walks by in front of the alley, chattering and giggling. You stay in the shadows, and they don't take any notice of you. >x card It claims that he works as a security guard for a company called Bastion of the Sea. That's one lead, at least. >search towering You look through the horse's pockets, but don't find anything interesting. A motorcart on the street to the west honks its horn at the one in front of it. >w Bastion of the Sea. The words echo through your mind as you make sure nobody is watching and slip out of the alley. You're not a thief, so you return the thug's wallet to his pocket. Maybe you can find more about it on the internet, back at your apartment... [Please press any key to continue.]When you reach your apartment, you tend to your bruises, make yourself a sandwich, and wash off the dye on your mane and tail. Before you investigate further, you'll have to do some research. Apartment Your modest apartment is the only place where your civilian life and your real life overlap. The kitchenette - really just a counter and a refrigerator - takes up most of the front. In one back corner, you have your desk and computer, next to a folding sofa; in the other squats a bulky TV. There's also a small closet. Through the window you can see Meighsalot's downtown, illuminated in the evening sunlight: streams of motorcarts threading a path between glittering skyscrapers. There's a small pile of unread mail here. The window rattles as a gust of wind passes through. >x window You've always imagined it would be fun to open it up and fly out into the city, but you don't want anyone to link your two identities. The sky is orange, but dark clouds are gathering on the horizon. >open it It has been cold outside recently, for September. You'd rather keep it closed. >x mail You glance at the stack of envelopes. You meant to sort through it earlier today, but you didn't have the time. Maybe you can search it now. The silence is broken when the tapir that lives above you drops something with a loud thump. >sort it That's not a verb I recognize. >search it Political campaigning, bills, scam letters... You pause for a moment as you pull out an ad for a familiar Way of the Flying Hoof training center. The rest can go in the trash, but this might be worth a closer look. >x ad You get one of these ad brochures for the Old Camel's dojo every few months. He only had a few students when you trained with him years ago, but maybe it's gotten bigger since then. [Read feelie #2 to see what it says!] >x computer It's a plain black tower computer. Over time, you've replaced most of the components, so it's as powerful as current technology will allow. Your monitor is black; you'll need to turn the computer on. >x tv You glance over at the screen. It looks like you've tuned in just in time to see the latest top-of-the-hour broadcast from Meighsalot News Network. [Please press any key to continue.] Good. Nobody traced the incident back to you - your secret identity is safe. >l Apartment Your modest apartment is the only place where your civilian life and your real life overlap. The kitchenette - really just a counter and a refrigerator - takes up most of the front. In one back corner, you have your desk and computer, next to a folding sofa; in the other squats a bulky TV. There's also a small closet. Through the window you can see Meighsalot's downtown, illuminated in the evening sunlight: streams of motorcarts threading a path between glittering skyscrapers. A motorcart goes by below, blasting out loud clip-clop music. >x cart A stagnant, slow-moving stream of congested traffic runs between the buildings. It's quiet in here; you can hear the faint hum of the city all around you. >* clip-clop music lol [Thank you for your feedback!] >x counter There's not much room here for actual cooking. It's possible to make a sandwich on it, though. >x fridge You've had this thing for a long time. >make sandwich You just had lunch! >* oh yeah [Thank you for your feedback!] >open frdige You can't see any frdige here. >open fridge You're not hungry. >x desk The wooden surface has dozens of scratches in it: some recent, some years old. Your monitor, keyboard and mouse are sitting on top, next to the printer. Your bookcase is sitting nearby. >x closet You keep all your clothes in here. It's closed. >x bookcase You have nonfiction books on a wide variety of subjects, from chromatic physics to Eastern martial arts to computer security. >open closet You slide open one of the doors. Your eye scans past the other clothes and lands on the ones you'll need tonight: a trench coat and a fedora. >read cooks You can't see any cooks here. >x coat It's a classy black jacket, with four sleeves for your legs. No private detective would ever be caught on the job without one. Of course, you're not a private detective, but you find that wearing it helps you investigate. A cacophonous fanfare of motorcart horns echoes up from the street far below. >read books You don't really have time to start re-reading any of the books. The TV buzzes with the faint sound of vapid chatter, broadcast live 24/7. >wear jacket (first taking the trench coat) You step into the four sleeves and button up the front. >x hat Fedoras are the best type of hat. Wearing it should help put you in the right mood for sneaking around at night. >take it You take the fedora off its hook and dust off its wide brim. >wear it You align the holes with your ears and place the fedora on your head. You adjust the brim of your hat to your satisfaction and glance at your reflection in the window. Now you look like a real detective - you still have to do some research, though. A floorboard creaks underhoof. >l Apartment Your modest apartment is the only place where your civilian life and your real life overlap. The kitchenette - really just a counter and a refrigerator - takes up most of the front. In one back corner, you have your desk and computer, next to a folding sofa; in the other squats a bulky TV. There's also a small closet. Through the window you can see Meighsalot's downtown, illuminated in the evening sunlight: streams of motorcarts threading a path between glittering skyscrapers. >x sofa It's a weird shade of mint green, and the cushions are fraying at the edges, but at least it's comfortable. >turn on computer You boot up your computer and start looking online for any information you can find about Bastion of the Sea. Apparently, they provide "secure shipping" for undisclosed clients. Their website is oddly unprofessional for such a large company - you can't even get any information about who owns it. However, you are able to find some online maps of one of their warehouses, located in Meighsalot's industrial district. You look at the satellite view, print out a screenshot, and grab it. >x map It's a grayscale printout of a satellite view of one of the warehouses operated by Bastion of the Sea. [Open feelie #3 to see what it looks like!] >i You are carrying a warehouse map printout and a Way of the Flying Hoof brochure, and wearing a fedora and a trench coat. >l Apartment Your modest apartment is the only place where your civilian life and your real life overlap. The kitchenette - really just a counter and a refrigerator - takes up most of the front. In one back corner, you have your desk and computer, next to a folding sofa; in the other squats a bulky TV. There's also a small closet. Through the window you can see Meighsalot's downtown, illuminated in the evening sunlight: streams of motorcarts threading a path between glittering skyscrapers. >x computer It's a plain black tower computer. Over time, you've replaced most of the components, so it's as powerful as current technology will allow. The monitor is showing your desktop background: a rainbow over a field of flowers. >w You can't go that way. >out Now that you're fully prepared, it's time to do some on-site investigation. You take the elevator and stride through the empty lobby, listening to your hoofsteps echo off the hard tiles. You pause at the doorway, adjust your coat and hat, and then head out into the night. [Please press any key to continue.] Even at a quick trot, it takes longer than you expected to reach the warehouse. It's cold at night; raindrops roll off the brim of your fedora and run down your mane. You look over the complex through a screen of gray rain. Not much: just a warehouse, an office trailer, some trucks, and the prow of a container ship, huddled together like burglars planning their next job. Several stevedores - all llamas - are working quietly in the loading area. If your intuition and the internet are to be believed, this is the place you're looking for. South of the Complex You are in the parking lot in front of the complex, staying away from the harsh off-white light poles. There's a tall chain-link fence to the north, preventing you from reaching the loading area, but you could circle it east or west. A small wheeled dumpster is squatting on this side of the fence, with its lid folded down. >x dumpster It's a half-size greenish dumpster, with rust eating at the edges and tattered warning labels peeling off the rim. Its lid is folded down, concealing the trash within - just as prisons serve to keep the filth of society safely out of sight. You can hear the waves crashing in the bay to the north. There's a long, scraping metal creak from some heavy piece of equipment - probably a crane - to the north. >open it You're not sure how much noise that would make. Best not to risk it. >climb on it You climb up on top of the dumpster, careful not to let your hooves squeak on the wet plastic. >jump fence You can't see any fence here. >l South of the Complex (on the dumpster) You are standing on a dumpster, to the south of the central part of the fence. It's still too high to climb over from here.. You hear a few dull thuds from the north. A brilliant flash of lightning silhouettes everything around you in an electric white glow! It takes a few seconds for your vision to clear. >* extra period after "here" [Thank you for your feedback!] >d You get off the dumpster. South of the Complex You are in the parking lot in front of the complex, staying away from the harsh off-white light poles. There's a tall chain-link fence to the north, preventing you from reaching the loading area, but you could circle it east or west. A small wheeled dumpster is squatting on this side of the fence, with its lid folded down. There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >e You move along the fence stealthily, going slightly north of east. By the Bent Fence You are standing at the southeast corner of the complex. The segment of the fence here looks like it was hit by a semi - it's bent far enough that you could probably climb over it, if you were a little taller. There's nothing really east of here - just gravel and weeds. The dumpster is sitting off to the west. Another rusty squeal pierces your ears above the patter of the raindrops. >w You move along the fence stealthily, going slightly south of west. South of the Complex You are in the parking lot in front of the complex, staying away from the harsh off-white light poles. There's a tall chain-link fence to the north, preventing you from reaching the loading area, but you could circle it east or west. A small wheeled dumpster is squatting on this side of the fence, with its lid folded down. The rain feels cold on your coat. It's not summer any more. >push dumpster east You flex your shoulders and begin to push the dumpster east, but stop instantly when the rusty wheels start to emit a loud metallic squeal. You don't want to attract any attention. >x wheels It's a half-size greenish dumpster, with rust eating at the edges and tattered warning labels peeling off the rim. Its lid is folded down, concealing the trash within - just as prisons serve to keep the filth of society safely out of sight. >i You are carrying a warehouse map printout and a Way of the Flying Hoof brochure, and wearing a fedora and a trench coat. You shiver a little. There's a long, scraping metal creak from the crane to the north. >push dumpster east It might make too much noise if you started pushing it right now. >z You pause for a moment. >z You breathe quietly. You hear a few dull thuds from the north. >push dumpster east It might make too much noise if you started pushing it right now. >z You take a moment to think. A brilliant flash of lightning silhouettes everything around you in an electric white glow! It takes a few seconds for your vision to clear. >push dumpster east You wait for the peal of thunder, then haul with all your might and push the dumpster several meters east. Any sound it makes is drowned out by the deep rumbling. By the Bent Fence You are standing at the southeast corner of the complex. The segment of the fence here looks like it was hit by a semi - it's bent far enough that you could probably climb over it, if you were a little taller. There's nothing really east of here - just gravel and weeds. The dumpster is over here now. >* nice [Thank you for your feedback!] >e You'd just end up in a jungle of gravel and weeds. >n You climb up on top of the dumpster, grab the chain-link lattice, scramble over the fence with only minimal rattling, and drop to the pavement on the other side. Wasting no time, you trot over to the side of the warehouse and observe your surroundings. Southeast of the Warehouse You're standing on all four hooves near the southeast corner of the warehouse, bathed uncomfortably in the glaring floodlights mounted on the side of the building. The bent part of the fence is to your south, but it's too high to reach from this side. The only ways to go are north and west. There's some kind of box in the grass to the north. >x box A large, greenish box, a little over half your height at the withers, that seems to be some kind of power station or generator. (You're not an electrician.) By the light of a green bulb on the top, you can see the outline of an access panel. A bundle of cables connects it to the wall of the warehouse. It is currently northeast of the warehouse. >hide behind box You can't reach the power relay, northeast of the warehouse, from where you are southeast of the warehouse. >n You circle around the eastern side of the warehouse and move toward the northeast corner. Northeast of the Warehouse There's not much here - just some weeds and grass illuminated under the white light of the floodlights. You can go west or south. Squatting in the gravel is a large utility box - some sort of power relay. A bundle of cables connects it to the warehouse. >open box You grab and strain at the panel, using your kung-fu training to amplify your leverage. Suddenly, it comes loose - you've ripped it off its hinges! You set it down softly on the grass. >x box A large, greenish box, a little over half your height at the withers, that seems to be some kind of power station or generator. (You're not an electrician.) A green bulb is glowing on top. The access panel has been ripped off, revealing the sensitive equipment and wiring. A bundle of cables connects it to the wall of the warehouse. There's a long, scraping metal creak from the crane to the north. >break wiring You start pounding on the exposed electrical equipment, and it doesn't take long before something important breaks. The green light on the top flickers out, and so do the floodlights on the warehouse. "What the..." says one of the workers loudly. There's some more muffled, angry chatter, followed by hoofsteps heading your direction! >w You edge west along the north side of the warehouse. Northwest of the Warehouse Unfortunately, this seems like a dead end. To the west is the loading area, but to get to a safer spot, you'd have to walk right past the dock workers. The only way to go, then, is back east. "Hey, who are you?" shouts one of the dock workers, pointing to you. As you turn to run, they rush forward and surround you. Apparently, you weren't being stealthy enough... That didn't go very well. Would you like to RETRY the scene, CONTINUE despite having lost, or RAGEQUIT? >retry Okay, let's try that again... Even at a quick trot, it takes longer than you expected to reach the warehouse. It's cold at night; raindrops roll off the brim of your fedora and run down your mane. You look over the complex through a screen of gray rain. Not much: just a warehouse, an office trailer, some trucks, and the prow of a container ship, huddled together like burglars planning their next job. Several stevedores - all llamas - are working quietly in the loading area. If your intuition and the internet are to be believed, this is the place you're looking for. South of the Complex You are in the parking lot in front of the complex, staying away from the harsh off-white light poles. There's a tall chain-link fence to the north, preventing you from reaching the loading area, but you could circle it east or west. A small wheeled dumpster is squatting on this side of the fence, with its lid folded down. >w You move along the fence stealthily, going slightly south of west. By the Gate Normally, trucks would be able to pass through this huge double-paneled gate to get between the parking lot and the loading area. Unfortunately, it's closed at the moment, and kept that way with a padlock and chain. You'll have to head back east and look for another way. The dumpster is sitting off to the east. You can hear the waves crashing in the bay to the north. There's a long, scraping metal creak from some heavy piece of equipment - probably a crane - to the north. >e You move along the fence stealthily, going slightly north of east. South of the Complex You are in the parking lot in front of the complex, staying away from the harsh off-white light poles. There's a tall chain-link fence to the north, preventing you from reaching the loading area, but you could circle it east or west. A small wheeled dumpster is squatting on this side of the fence, with its lid folded down. >e You move along the fence stealthily, going slightly north of east. By the Bent Fence You are standing at the southeast corner of the complex. The segment of the fence here looks like it was hit by a semi - it's bent far enough that you could probably climb over it, if you were a little taller. There's nothing really east of here - just gravel and weeds. The dumpster is sitting off to the west. You hear a few dull thuds from the north. >n The fence is bent, but it's still not quite low enough for you to be able to climb over it. Maybe if you had some help... >w You move along the fence stealthily, going slightly south of west. South of the Complex You are in the parking lot in front of the complex, staying away from the harsh off-white light poles. There's a tall chain-link fence to the north, preventing you from reaching the loading area, but you could circle it east or west. A small wheeled dumpster is squatting on this side of the fence, with its lid folded down. You shiver a little. A brilliant flash of lightning silhouettes everything around you in an electric white glow! It takes a few seconds for your vision to clear. >push dumpster east You wait for the peal of thunder, then haul with all your might and push the dumpster several meters east. Any sound it makes is drowned out by the deep rumbling. By the Bent Fence You are standing at the southeast corner of the complex. The segment of the fence here looks like it was hit by a semi - it's bent far enough that you could probably climb over it, if you were a little taller. There's nothing really east of here - just gravel and weeds. The dumpster is over here now. The rain feels cold on your coat. It's not summer any more. >n You climb up on top of the dumpster, grab the chain-link lattice, scramble over the fence with only minimal rattling, and drop to the pavement on the other side. Wasting no time, you trot over to the side of the warehouse and observe your surroundings. Southeast of the Warehouse You're standing on all four hooves near the southeast corner of the warehouse, bathed uncomfortably in the glaring floodlights mounted on the side of the building. The bent part of the fence is to your south, but it's too high to reach from this side. The only ways to go are north and west. There's some kind of box in the grass to the north. >w You carefully edge west, pressing yourself against the warehouse's south wall. Southwest of the Warehouse You press yourself stealthily against the wall of the warehouse, unwilling to advance out into the open under the harsh white glare of the building's mounted lights. There's a stack of pallets to the west that would make good cover, if you could reach it without being seen. Alternatively, you could retreat to the east. When you peek around the edge of the building, you can see the dock workers over in the loading area. >e You slink back into the deeper shadows near the southeast corner of the warehouse. Southeast of the Warehouse You're standing on all four hooves near the southeast corner of the warehouse, bathed uncomfortably in the glaring floodlights mounted on the side of the building. The bent part of the fence is to your south, but it's too high to reach from this side. The only ways to go are north and west. There's some kind of box in the grass to the north. >n You circle around the eastern side of the warehouse and move toward the northeast corner. Northeast of the Warehouse There's not much here - just some weeds and grass illuminated under the white light of the floodlights. You can go west or south. Squatting in the gravel is a large utility box - some sort of power relay. A bundle of cables connects it to the warehouse. There's a long, scraping metal creak from the crane to the north. >open box You grab and strain at the panel, using your kung-fu training to amplify your leverage. Suddenly, it comes loose - you've ripped it off its hinges! You set it down softly on the grass. A brilliant flash of lightning silhouettes everything around you in an electric white glow! It takes a few seconds for your vision to clear. >break wiring You start pounding on the exposed electrical equipment, and it doesn't take long before something important breaks. The green light on the top flickers out, and so do the floodlights on the warehouse. "What the..." says one of the workers loudly. There's some more muffled, angry chatter, followed by hoofsteps heading your direction! There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >s You move south, staying close to the east wall of the warehouse, and pause near the southeast corner. Southeast of the Warehouse You're standing on all four hooves near the southeast corner of the warehouse in a mass of deep shadows. The bent part of the fence is to your south, but it's too high to reach from this side. The only ways to go are north and west. The power relay is to the north. >w You carefully edge west, pressing yourself against the warehouse's south wall. Southwest of the Warehouse You peer around the edge of the warehouse and look over the loading area, which opens up to the northwest. There's a stack of pallets to the west that would make good cover, if you could reach it without being seen. Alternatively, you could retreat to the east. When you peek around the edge of the building, you can see the dock workers northwest of the warehouse. You can't see the workers directly, but you hear their heavy hoofsteps nearby and receding to the east. >w Behind the Pallets You're crouching just south of a large stack of pallets, shielded from view. The loading area is north of here. A short dash away, to the east, is the corner of the warehouse; the row of parked trucks is about the same distance to the west. You could also probably slip into the warehouse to the northeast. You hear the dock workers talking near the power box. "What the..." says one of them. "This thing is all busted up!" "It's gotta be someone who's not supposed to be here..." concludes another. >ne You head northeast and duck into the warehouse. It's even darker in here than it is outside. Front of the Warehouse Dim light, filtered through the rain, makes its way in through the open cargo door to the west and cascades over stacks and piles of wooden crates. You could sneak southwest and get behind the stack of pallets, or make your way further into the warehouse to the east. There's a crowbar lying carelessly on the ground near the back, hidden in the shadows. One of the llamas outside to the northeast asks something, and another one responds. The glow of the lightning outside flickers in through the doorway. >take crowbar You can't reach the crowbar, in the back of the warehouse, from where you are in the front of the warehouse. >e Back of the Warehouse You are in the back half of the warehouse, surrounded by crates. The door is far to the west. There's a crowbar lying carelessly on the ground near the back, hidden in the shadows. "Look," you hear one llama say loudly. "Let's go back around the warehouse and..." His voice trails off indistinctly. There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >take crowbar You take the crowbar. >x crates Inconspicuous-looking crates are stacked up around the perimeter of the warehouse, leaving room to walk in the center and near the entrance. They're labeled "FOODSTUFFS - FRAGILE." Looking around suspiciously, the llamas silently walk back in the loading area. The glow of the lightning outside flickers in through the doorway. >* maybe I need to get into the office [Thank you for your feedback!] >open crates You wedge the crowbar under the crate's lid and pull as hard as you can. It pops off and you peer inside. Rows of gun barrels stare back at you, packed in lutefisk. A rainbow glint inside each one reflects the faint rays of reflected moonlight around you. They look like high-grade phase locking prisms. There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >* eek [Thank you for your feedback!] >x prisms They remind you of your previous career. Every day, you worked with equipment like that - glass capacitors, fiber-optic cables, megalenses... The goal of your research was achieving polychromatic fusion under standard conditions. That was back when you were still an idealist, and all you could see were the tremendous implications for energy storage and transmission. Your assistant - a capable chromatic physicist in his own right - was obsessed with the military applications of the technology. How typical for a llama... Apparently, the same ideas occurred to whoever manufactured these weapons. Rainbows, harnessed for the purpose of destruction... You shake your head. >* we're kinda racist against llamas, huh [Thank you for your feedback!] >close crates You can't reattach the top of the crate very easily. >l Back of the Warehouse You are in the back half of the warehouse, surrounded by crates. The door is far to the west. >w Front of the Warehouse Dim light, filtered through the rain, makes its way in through the open cargo door to the west and cascades over stacks and piles of wooden crates. You could sneak southwest and get behind the stack of pallets, or make your way further into the warehouse to the east. The glow of the lightning outside flickers in through the doorway. >w Even being as stealthy as possible, you can't walk right by the stevedores and expect them not to notice you! >sw You dash out of the warehouse, hoping that the dock workers will be disoriented long enough to miss you. Holding your breath, you dive behind the pallets and listen carefully. They don't seem to have noticed you. Behind the Pallets You're crouching just south of a large stack of pallets, shielded from view. The loading area is north of here. A short dash away, to the east, is the corner of the warehouse; the row of parked trucks is about the same distance to the west. You could also probably slip into the warehouse to the northeast. The dock workers are over in the loading area. There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >w Even with the lights off, the dock workers could probably still see you. You'll have to wait for a better opportunity. >z You pause for a moment. > You wait briefly. >z You breathe quietly. >z You take a moment to think. >z The rain patters down around you. A brilliant flash of lightning silhouettes everything around you in an electric white glow! It takes a few seconds for your vision to clear. >w Again, you start running as soon as you see the flash and run behind the nearest semi truck. Truck Lot You're in the deep black shadow between two parked semi trucks. Nobody's going to discover you here. The office trailer is just north of here - you could get in relatively unobtrusively. The loading area is back east; if you made it across a short open stretch, you could reach the stack of pallets. Also, there's a large gate in the fence to the south. The dock workers are over in the loading area. There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >x trucks Your guess is that they haul the cargo from the pier to distribution centers further inland. All of them are empty right now, though. >n You cautiously open the door and duck inside, giving your eyes a few moments to adjust. In the Trailer You can barely see anything in here by the dim light coming in through the tiny windows. Still, faint reflections outline papers scattered on the desks, a typewriter, and even a small refrigerator. There's also a large metal key hanging on a hook here. You hear the sound of a car splashing through puddles on the road to the south. >x key It's a heavy-duty, slightly rusty key. You hear the car getting closer. >take it You take the key off the wall. Suddenly, you hear a huge metallic crash, then the sound of a car door opening. "Halt, in the name of the law!" yells a horse loudly. "Your vile misdeeds shall remain unpunished no longer!" "Hey, chill," says one of the llamas. "We're just doing our jobs here." "Liars," says the horse - whose voice you now recognize as Sir Ponyheart's. "I'll uncover your nefarious schemes, even if I have to fight my way through a hundred of you." >x papers You sort through the documents briefly. Most of them are just administrative reports and printed spreadsheets, but a few catch your eye. Among them are several receipts and records listing the delivery of "foodstuffs" (purchased from a company called WDI) to The Smorgasbord Ltd. So there is something shady going on at that restaurant after all... You hear some grunting and scuffling, and then the sound of Ponyheart's hoof smacking into a llama's coat. (A rare success.) >s Truck Lot You're in the deep black shadow between two parked semi trucks. Nobody's going to discover you here. The office trailer is just north of here - you could get in relatively unobtrusively. The loading area is back east; if you made it across a short open stretch, you could reach the stack of pallets. Also, there's a large gate in the fence to the south. The dock workers are over in the loading area. Ponyheart's car is idling in the middle of the loading area. Part of the loading area is lit harshly by the glare of the white headlights. Ponyheart leaps forward and cuffs one of the llamas in the flank. "Ow!" exclaims the worker, taking a few steps back. A brilliant flash of lightning silhouettes everything around you in an electric white glow! It takes a few seconds for your vision to clear. >unlock gate The key fits the lock perfectly. It takes a little effort, but you unlock the gate and push it open. Ponyheart swings at one of the dock workers, who ducks and slips to the right. Before he can react, the llama kicks him in the withers! There's a rumble like a drum roll and then a loud thunderclap. >n You cautiously open the door and duck inside, giving your eyes a few moments to adjust. In the Trailer You can barely see anything in here by the dim light coming in through the tiny windows. Still, faint reflections outline papers scattered on the desks, a typewriter, and even a small refrigerator. You hear Ponyheart getting punched. "Merely a flesh wound!" he yells. >s Truck Lot You're in the deep black shadow between two parked semi trucks. Nobody's going to discover you here. The office trailer is just north of here - you could get in relatively unobtrusively. The loading area is back east; if you made it across a short open stretch, you could reach the stack of pallets. Also, there's a large gate in the fence to the south, hanging open and blowing in the wind. The dock workers are over in the loading area. Ponyheart's car is idling in the middle of the loading area. Part of the loading area is lit harshly by the glare of the white headlights. One of the llamas hits Ponyheart's jaw with a right hook. You wince. The knight looks dazed momentarily, and raises his hooves uncertainly. "What a clown," mutters a second llama. You step on a pebble, which skitters to a halt several feet away. You hold your breath, but nobody seems to have noticed. >e Behind the Pallets You're crouching just south of a large stack of pallets, shielded from view. The loading area is north of here. A short dash away, to the east, is the corner of the warehouse; the row of parked trucks is about the same distance to the west. You could also probably slip into the warehouse to the northeast, or walk through a gaping hole in the fence back to the south. The dock workers are over in the loading area. Ponyheart's car is idling in the middle of the loading area. Part of the loading area is lit harshly by the glare of the white headlights. One llama kicks Ponyheart in the chest, and another grabs him from behind! He struggles briefly, but a few more dock workers pile on; bruised and stunned, the knight is forced into submission at last, dripping with sweat and rain. "All right," one of the llamas growls. He spits, then stares Sir Ponyheart in the face. "Who sent you here? Who's on to us?" >attack llamas You can't reach the dock workers, in the loading area, from where you are behind the pallets. >n You trot out into the loading area. The dock workers are too busy restraining and interrogating Ponyheart to notice you at the moment. Loading Area You're in the center of the loading area. To the north you can see the front of a huge container ship, with its crane; beyond that, the rain is crashing on the bay's turbulent waves. The warehouse's cargo door is wide open to the east. Or, you could slip back behind the pallets to the south, retreat back behind the warehouse to the southeast or northeast, or head over to the office trailer by going west. The dock workers are over in the loading area. Ponyheart's car is idling in the middle of the loading area. Part of the loading area is lit harshly by the glare of the white headlights. "I shall not reveal any information whatsoever!" announces Ponyheart. "That ill befits an honorable knight such as myself. Or a detective, for that matter." >attack llama You narrow your eyes and begin cantering across the concrete. "Look behind you!" exclaims Ponyheart. The llamas chuckle and shake their heads. "Come on, Ponyheart," says one of them. "That's the oldest trick in the book." Then you kick him in the flank from behind. "OW!" he shrieks. All the llamas whirl around and gasp as they see your rainbow mane; Ponyheart escapes in the confusion and raises his hooves to fight. "It's the rainbow horse!" yells one of the dock workers, near panic. "Remember the Getaway Ship? RUN AWAY!" They back away from you, then break into a run. Sir Ponyheart shakes his head, wipes his brow, and turns to you: "I assure you, the situation looked worse than it was. Still, thank you for bringing it to a quick conclusion!" "Anyway," says Ponyheart suavely. "I didn't expect to see you here. Beautiful weather, isn't it?" 1. "No." 2. Wait to see what he has to say. 3. Walk away. 4. Fly away. >1 "I was, uh, making a joke," says Ponyheart, shifting on his hooves. "I have so many questions I want to ask you, but now isn't really the best time... are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?" 1. Tell him you're going to the Smorgasbord. 2. Tell him you're otherwise engaged. >1 "I'm going to the Smorgasbord at lunchtime," you tell him. "I have to find out what's really going on." "Say, would you mind if I joined you? You work alone so much of the time... maybe you'd like some company." 1. "No." 2. "Please, no." 3. "If you want." 4. "Sure, I could use a little more muscle." >4 It's hard to tell at night in the rain, but you're almost certain that Ponyheart is blushing. "I hope you're not planning anything too violent," he chuckles. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then." he says. The knight gets back into his car, closes the door, and cruises off through the hole in the fence. After a few minutes, you head back to your apartment too, thinking over what you've learned. The Smorgasbord isn't just a bad restaurant; it's part of a sinister conspiracy... You remove your fedora and coat, take a real shower, and collapse in exhaustion. The clock on your nightstand says it's after two in the morning. Oh, well, you can sleep in; you're going to return to the Smorgasbord tomorrow, and it's important to be well-rested if you plan to start a fight. [Please press any key to continue.] You lie in bed, unable to sleep, for hours. Your thoughts keep returning to your past - before you were a superhero but after you were a physicist, you spent years learning kung-fu. One particular training session comes to mind... [Please press any key to continue.] You were in the dojo on the mountaintop, the brisk wind ruffling your mane through the slatted windows, panting hard and rubbing your head after your last bout of sparring. Your kung-fu master, the Old Camel, was standing nearby, shaking his head slowly. "Anastasia," begins your master between bites of vegetarian pork bun, "You are improving rapidly, but you still see only the physical level. The punches, the kicks, the hoof-strikes, the head-butts. You must learn to think at a higher level." 1. "You mean, ignoring nothing and letting the totality flow?" 2. "You mean, flying?" 3. "You mean, being smarter?" >1 "Wrong!" says the Camel. "Although you must do that too. I am talking about humor." 1. "You mean, like the four humors?" 2. "You mean, like stand up comedy?" 3. "You mean, like the humerus bone?" >2 "Not exactly," says the Camel. "But close." The kung-fu master thinks for a moment and then continues: "Let me ask you a different question, Anastasia. What do you get when you take the 'ch' out of 'punch'?" 1. "...Putch?" 2. "...Puh?" 3. "...Punk?" 4. "...Puck?" 5. "...P?" 6. Keep thinking. >6 You think furiously. 'Punch'... 'ch'... 1. "...Poo?" 2. "...Unch?" 3. "...Unk?" 4. "...Uck?" 5. "...Un?" 6. Keep thinking. >5 "That is the wrong answer," says the Camel. "You are a frustrating student, Anastasia. It is a PUN. A type of joke. Do you know what a pun is?" 1. "Yes." 2. "Uh... no." >1 "Good," He finishes the rest of his pork bun. "Now you must learn to think on the level of humor as well as on the level of strikes. Just as the scream of the hawk paralyzes a rabbit before the strike, a well timed pun can be even more effective than a well timed punch. And wordplay is almost 89% of swordplay. "Now witness a demonstration of this technique!" As fast as a snake lunging for its prey, the Camel whirls around and picks up a bowl of ramen that he left on an end table. "Lucky for you, I just made a new bowl of... RAMMING NOODLES!" He launches into a strike, holding the bowl like a weapon, and you have only a split second to react! 1. "That's a terrible joke." 2. "That's not at all how I'd pronounce that word!" 3. "You had that pre-planned, didn't you." >3 You only get as far as "You had-" before the noodles end up splattered all over your face. You stagger back, catching your breath and shaking ramen out of your mane. Chuckling a little, the Camel shakes his head. "You can see that it is an effective technique. The quality of the joke does not matter." While you're wiping noodles off your face, he thinks for a moment. "The most important thing you must understand about this method is that the form of your attack must match the pun. When I decided to RAM you with the ramen, the pun came naturally to my lips. A PUNCH or a HIT would not have been appropriate. Also, I had to think of the ramen as RAMEN, not just as NOODLES." "Now you must use this technique against me," he announces. "There is a rack of weapons behind you. Use them to make devastating pun attacks!" He leaps into a defensive stance. "BEGIN!" >x rack You scan the weapon rack briefly. Currently, it's holding a dagger, a gun staff, a jian sword, a dao sword, and a qiang spear. >do dao That's not a verb I recognize. >x dagger A typical tanto dagger, of the blunt training variety. >x jian A blunted wooden jian sword, with an unusually heavy pommel. >x dao A light, blunt dao - a type of single-edged sword. >x spear A blunt version of the qiang spear - the King of Weapons, according to the Camel. A red tassel is hanging from the end. You test your master's defenses with a few quick hoof-jabs. >take staff You slide the gun staff out of its slot in the weapon rack and switch to a two-hooved grip, testing the balance. "Go on, Anastasia," says the Camel. "Try a pun attack." >kick stick You don't have any reason to destroy the gun staff. >kick (the gun staff) You don't have any reason to destroy the gun staff. >kick camel You flourish the staff, step into the fray, and execute a sequence of blows. The Camel stops each strike one-handed. Maybe that's because you were thinking of it as a staff and not as a gun staff specifically. "I do not think you understand the point of today's lesson," says the Camel. "Do a pun attack!" >pun gun That's not a verb I recognize. >gun pun Try to phrase that in a simpler way. >stun gun You don't have any reason to destroy the gun staff. >gun stun Try to phrase that in a simpler way. >stun (the gun staff) You don't have any reason to destroy the gun staff. >stun camel You swing the weapon, but the Camel easily dodges. Maybe that's because you were thinking of it as a staff and not as a gun staff specifically. "Did you not hear?" sighs your master. "Increase your attack power using puns!" >* I'm a bit at sear [Thank you for your feedback!] >* sea [Thank you for your feedback!] >run You'll have to say which compass direction to go in. "Left hoof forward, Anastasia, in that stance," corrects the Camel peremptorily. >fun That's not a verb I recognize. >sun That's not a verb I recognize. >nun That's not a verb I recognize. >bun That's not a verb I recognize. >mun That's not a verb I recognize. >* OK checked walkthrough [Thank you for your feedback!] >stun camel with gun "Try dodging this STUN STAFF!" Your taunt echoes through the room as your staff blow connects with the Camel. He winces a little. "Good," he says. The Camel nods, satisfied. "I think you understand now. Go and meditate or have lunch or something, Anastasia. I must meet my next student." As you turn to leave, the Karate Kid enters respectfully, his cloven hooves clacking on the floor. "What is the lesson today, sensei?" you hear, as you emerge into the clear mountain air... [Please press any key to continue.] You casually throw open the Smorgasbord's front door and trot in. Air conditioning washes over you. Entrance The dining area opens up to the northeast, and beyond that is the buffet. The decor is only mildly intolerable here. The llama host is staring off into space, standing behind his podium-like object. He jumps and turns pale when he catches a glimpse of your rainbow mane. You glare at him. "D-Do you have reservations?" he inquires, trying to maintain his composure. 1. "Not about using violence." 2. "Actually, I'd like to talk to the manager." 3. Just walk past him. 4. Whap him as he stands there. >* OK I had it, just needed better feedback on the syntax [Thank you for your feedback!] >1 "Not about using violence," you deadpan, shaking your head. He swallows. "Hold on... let me talk to the manager," he says, backing away from you slowly. As soon as he's out of striking range, he breaks into a run and heads northeast, then turns right and runs through the buffet. >* lol that's a good line [Thank you for your feedback!] >l Entrance The dining area opens up to the northeast, and beyond that is the buffet. The decor is only mildly intolerable here. The podium-like object is sitting here, forlorn and abandoned. >x podium It's a tall block of wood with an angled top. Usually there's a llama standing behind it. >ne Dining Area The dining area looks just like it did last time you were here, with Sheila and Edna. There are several tables in the middle of the room, and booths along the walls. To the east lies the buffet itself, and the entrance is to the southwest. >x booths The faux leather is cracked and dusty. These booths must have been here back when it was still Flickear's Pizza Palace. >e You enter the buffet, eyes narrowed. Buffet Entrance You're in the very front of the buffet, at the end of the long central corridor. The dining area is to the west, and the buffet corridor extends east. You could also go north to the drinks section or south to the serving station. You've only taken a few steps toward the back when you hear hoofsteps in the kitchen - the double doors swing open and a mustachioed waiter dashes out. In the split second that the doors are open, you can see at least five more llamas back there, discussing tactics and arming themselves with utensils. "So you have returned," he laughs. "Well, then, you are in for a SMÖRGÅSBORD... OF PAIN!" [Please press any key to continue.] It looks like you have a serious fight on your hooves. Remembering the Old Camel's advice, you look around, searching for anything that could help you. Mostly you see a whole lot of food. >* Oh man it's getting real [Thank you for your feedback!] >* Guess this is where the improv kicks in. And the puns [Thank you for your feedback!] >l Buffet Entrance You're in the very front of the buffet, at the end of the long central corridor. The dining area is to the west, and the buffet corridor extends east. You could also go north to the drinks section or south to the serving station. You can see the waiter at the east end of the corridor, staring at you with his eyes narrowed. You'll have to act soon - the llama is still moving! >e You charge east. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The waiter gallops west, to the area east of the center of the buffet, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. >s You trot south. This section contains Swedish vegetable dishes. The left bin is full of mashed turnips, and the right bin is labeled "Pickled Cucumbers." Those are pickles, right? The waiter llama goes west at a trot, arriving in the center of the buffet. >x turnips It's a yellowish paste, with bits of turnip skin embedded in it. Apparently it's a popular Swedish side dish. You'll have to act soon - the llama is still moving! The front door swings open - you and the waiter llama involuntarily stop fighting and glance over to see who it is. Your heart sinks when you realize it's Ponyheart. To make matters worse, he seems to have thought you were going on a date, if the expensive suit and roses are any indication. "Oh... Hello..." he falters, as he glances around in confusion. His knightly brow furrows. "I can't say I expected hoofticuffs to be on the menu, but I guess it's today's special!" That was actually pretty witty, for Ponyheart. >duke cukes That's not a verb I recognize. >x cucumbers They're just ordinary pickles. The elegant waiter runs to the west, to the area west of the center of the buffet. Meighsalot's defender gallops eastward, gaining momentum as he heads into the melee. He scans his surroundings for a sword, or anything, really. A host and a busboy llama gallop out of the back, leaving the double doors swinging behind them. "There she is!" yells the host llama, pointing at you with a cloven hoof. "You handle the knight, I'll take the superhero," says the busboy. The host llama nods and glares at Ponyheart with a savage grin. >take pickles You scoop up a hoofful of pickles. The busboy llama glares at you - he's off to the east. "Come and get me if you can, Power Pony!" he yells. The waiter heads north, turning out of the corridor and entering the french section. Also, across the buffet, the host goes north, to the fruit bar, glaring at Sir Ponyheart. Off to the north, you see the knight running east. Now he's west of the center of the buffet. >e There's a row of food bins in the way! >n You make your way north at a brisk gallop. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The waiter moves north, to the northeast french section; simultaneously, the busboy goes west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. Ponyheart trots north, to the southeast French section, looking around for a target. >e You make your way east. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The maitre d' plunges his hooves into one of the bins and grabs a hoofful of mixed fruits. He eyes them briefly, trying to decide whether to eat them or throw them at Sir Ponyheart. The busboy llama gallops west and charges straight at you! Sir Ponyheart canters north, to the northeast French section. "SWIFT JUSTICE!" yells the brave knight, turning to face the mustachioed waiter. The llama laughs at his overconfidence. >tickle busboy with pickles That's not a verb I recognize. >* aww [Thank you for your feedback!] >trip busboy You throw a series of punches at the busboy, who backs up, frantically fending off your attacks. The busboy llama hits you a few times in the chest and flank. The maitre d' llama launches the mixed fruits at Sir Ponyheart, but his aim is a little too high and Ponyheart is able to duck. There's a soft patter as the fruits hit the north wall at different times. Overripe raspberries leave pink splotches on the wall; blueberries and chunks of watermelon slide or fall to the ground. A peeled coconut rolls for a few meters before stopping by the nearest buffet counter. The waiter llama ducks and blocks a poorly aimed kick from Sir Ponyheart. >n You head north. You have left the busboy llama behind. The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. You think you can hear some far-off police sirens. The busboy slows down and canters north, putting up his hooves as soon as he gets within striking range of you. The maitre d' digs around in the bin of pomelos and grabs a hoofful of them. He begins winding up for a throw. The waiter llama heads south, to the southeast French section. Sir Ponyheart rushes at the waiter, throwing a wild punch as he approaches. >choke busboy with artichokes (first taking the artichokes) You're already holding the pickles, and you can't fight with both hooves full! >throw pickles at busboy The busboy is too close - maybe you should just hit him with them. >hit busboy with pickles You charge at the busboy and smash the pickles into his neck! "Ew!" he yelps. The elegant waiter goes north at a trot, arriving in the northeast French section. Sir Ponyheart gallops north, ending up in the northeast French section by the waiter. >choke busboy with artichokes (first taking the artichokes) With a flick of his wrist, the host throws the pomelos. They whip past Sir Ponyheart's face as the knight jumps back in surprise. One pomelo cracks as it hits the north wall like a baseball, then falls to the floor. You block the busboy llama's first punch, but it was only a feint - the llama smashes you in the head with his other hoof! Sir Ponyheart leaps through the air at the mustachioed waiter and launches into a straight punch, but his hoof goes through empty air; the llama managed to dodge. >choke busboy with artichokes You wrap the stalk around his neck. "Do you like ARTICHOKES?" you taunt. His eyes widen as he desperately fights to escape, but you keep up the pressure. The busboy llama, utterly overpowered by your pun-based combat skills, slides to a halt on the floor, unconscious. The mustachioed waiter canters south, glaring at you across the buffet counter to the west, and the maitre d' charges south, to the east end of the corridor. Sir Ponyheart gallops south, ending up in the southeast French section by the mustachioed waiter. A sommelier and a pastry chef come running out of the kitchen. "Two reinforcements, coming right up!" yells one of them as they pause, panting, and survey the scene. "You handle the knight, I'll take the superhero," says the sommelier llama. The pastry chef nods and glares at Ponyheart with a savage grin. >* Oh I guess you can't implicitly take? [Thank you for your feedback!] >n You gallop north. The bins are smaller in the salad bar, so three foods are within easy reach: carrots, watercress, and Brussels sprouts. The pastry chef llama hefts one of his pies and stares at Sir Ponyheart with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. The mustachioed waiter heads south, to the area west of the center of the buffet. At the same time, the sommelier llama gallops west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. Sir Ponyheart gallops south, ending up west of the center of the buffet by the waiter llama. >x watercress They're big, floppy green leaves. You can eat them. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >take sprouts You scoop up a hoofful of Brussels sprouts. The waiter heads west, to the buffet entrance. With a mad cackle and a dramatic flourish, the pastry chef llama hurls another pie at Sir Ponyheart! "Experience my latest creation!" he yells. The pie smacks into Sir Ponyheart's head and explodes into a spray of cream filling. The knight looks dazed; he takes a few steps forward, then falls to the floor heavily. The host gallops north, to the fruit bar, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. The maitre d' llama and the pastry chef have apparently managed to lay the great knight low. They turn away and glare at you instead. "Your knight in shining armor will not come to your rescue now!" cackles the pastry chef llama. >s You rush to the south, avoiding some artichokes and some pickles. The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. The pastry chef llama hefts his remaining pie and stares at you with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. The waiter llama mutters something in French. The sommelier llama canters west, getting ready to enter the aisle that you're in, and the maitre d' goes north, to the dessert bar. >l Southwest Salad Bar The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. Some artichokes and some pickles are on the ground here. A llama is lying on the ground here as well. The pastry chef is eyeing you from the east end of the corridor, preparing to throw his remaining cream pie. The sommelier is standing in the center of the buffet, trying to decide what to do. The maitre d' is in the dessert bar, looking at the bin of escargot. You can see the waiter in the buffet entrance, staring at you with his eyes narrowed. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >x llama Who do you mean, the pastry chef, the sommelier llama, the busboy, the maitre d', or the waiter? >busboy He looks like he'll be out for a while. The waiter runs to the east, to the area west of the center of the buffet. The pastry chef draws back his front leg and throws another pie at you! "Experience my OTHER latest creation!" You shut your eyes and flinch away just before the pie hits you in the face, painfully. >n You walk north. The bins are smaller in the salad bar, so three foods are within easy reach: carrots, watercress, and Brussels sprouts. The elegant waiter charges east, to the center of the buffet. At the same time, the sommelier heads north, heading toward you a few meters to the south. The sirens seem to be getting closer. >rout sommelier with sprout That's not a verb I recognize. >rout sommelier with sprouts That's not a verb I recognize. >* aww [Thank you for your feedback!] >drop sprouts You let go of the Brussels sprouts, which roll all over the floor. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >n You can't go north - there's a wall there! >w You go west at a quick trot. French peasant food is the theme here. One bin is full of French onion soup and the other is filled with greasy sausages called "Andouillettes." "Zince I zeem to have run out of pies..." grumbles the pastry chef, "it is time to get my hooves dirty!" He pulls a wicked-looking rolling pin from his apron pocket and starts advancing toward you! The waiter llama goes east at a trot, arriving east of the center of the buffet. The host llama picks up a pound cake. >s You canter south. This appears to be a miniature pâtisserie. One side is full of baguettes, and the other is piled high with stale croissants. The pastry chef moves west, to the area east of the center of the buffet; the wine expert heads north, to the northwest part of the salad bar, and the waiter llama goes west, to the center of the buffet. The maitre d' launches the pound cake at you, but his aim is a little too high and you're able to avoid it. The pound cake flies off into the dining area. >take pain You can't see any pain here. >* guess no French puns [Thank you for your feedback!] >s You run south. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The pastry chef llama canters west, glaring at you across the buffet counter to the east. Also, the waiter llama charges east, to the area east of the center of the buffet. >s You go south. This section contains Swedish vegetable dishes. The left bin is full of mashed turnips, and the right bin is labeled "Pickled Cucumbers." The host llama grabs an apple pie. The pastry chef llama gallops west, to the area west of the center of the buffet, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. >s You head south at a hurried pace. A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, it's shaped into cubes. The elegant waiter runs to the west, to the center of the buffet. >boot That's not a verb I recognize. >w You head west. A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, it's shaped into globs. The sommelier heads west, to the northeast French section. The maitre d' llama winds up and sends the apple pie flying through the air at your head. You move to dodge, but you're too late - it slams into your neck, covering a huge section of your coat with sticky, gloopy, delicious-smelling filling. The pastry chef runs to the west, to the buffet entrance. You stumble and fall forward, dazed. The world is rapidly fading to black... That didn't go very well. Would you like to RETRY the scene, CONTINUE despite having lost, or RAGEQUIT? >retry Okay, let's try that again... You've only taken a few steps toward the back when you hear hoofsteps in the kitchen - the double doors swing open and a waiter dashes out. In the split second that the doors are open, you can see at least five more llamas back there, discussing tactics and arming themselves with utensils. "So you have returned," he laughs. "Well, then, you are in for a SMÖRGÅSBORD... OF PAIN!" [Please press any key to continue.] It looks like you have a serious fight on your hooves. Remembering the Old Camel's advice, you look around, searching for anything that could help you. Mostly you see a whole lot of food. > e You go east at a hurried trot. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The waiter llama gallops west, to the area east of the center of the buffet, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. >e You make your way east at a determined pace. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The mustachioed waiter slows down and canters west, putting up his hooves as soon as he gets within striking range of you. >n You head north at a quick gallop. You have left the waiter behind. The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. The waiter approaches you from the south, glaring at you. A host llama and a busboy llama gallop out of the back, leaving the double doors swinging behind them. "There she is!" yells the host, pointing at you with a cloven hoof. >take artichoke You scoop up a hoofful of artichokes. The waiter llama digs around in the bin of southwest salad and grabs a hoofful of it with his bare hooves. He begins winding up for a throw. The maitre d' gallops north, turning out of the corridor and entering the fruit bar, and the busboy llama moves west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. The front door swings open - you and the llamas involuntarily stop fighting and glance over to see who it is. Your heart sinks when you realize it's Ponyheart. To make matters worse, he seems to have thought you were going on a date, if the expensive suit and roses are any indication. "Oh... Hello..." he falters, as he glances around in confusion. His knightly brow furrows. "I can't say I expected hoofticuffs to be on the menu, but I guess it's today's special!" That was actually pretty witty, for Ponyheart. >s You head south at a brisk trot. The waiter is behind you now. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The busboy llama glares at you - he's off to the east. "Come and get me if you can, Power Pony!" he yells. Meighsalot's defender gallops eastward, gaining momentum as he heads into the melee. He scans his surroundings for a sword, or anything, really. >choke busboy with artichokes You can't reach the busboy llama from the center of the buffet. He is east of the center of the buffet. >e You canter east. The busboy llama prepares to fight you. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. The maitre d' llama plunges his hooves into one of the bins and grabs a hoofful of pomelos. He eyes them briefly, trying to decide whether to eat them or throw them at you. Ponyheart trots east, to the area west of the center of the buffet, looking around for a target. >choke busboy with artichokes You wrap the stalk around his neck. "Do you like ARTICHOKES?" you taunt. His eyes widen as he desperately fights to escape, but you keep up the pressure. The busboy llama, utterly overpowered by your pun-based combat skills, slides to a halt on the floor, unconscious. With a flick of his wrist, the host llama throws the pomelos. They whip past your neck, missing by a few centimeters. One pomelo cracks as it hits the south wall like a baseball, then falls to the floor. Off to the west, you see the knight running east. Now he's in the center of the buffet. >n You go north at a fast gallop. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The host llama runs to the south, to the east end of the corridor. Sir Ponyheart canters east, to the area east of the center of the buffet. >kick maker That doesn't seem like it would help very much. >n You make your way north at a determined pace. A long trough is filled with soil here, and grass is growing out of it. A sign helpfully informs you that this is "Hay (for horses)". On the other side, there are bins of asparagus and beets. The waiter launches the Southwest salad at you, but his aim is a little too high and you're able to avoid it. With a squelch, Southwest salad coats the north wall. Ponyheart trots east, to the east end of the corridor, looking around for a target. "One of us shall fall in battle on this day, and it will be you!" yells the brave knight, turning to face the host. The llama laughs at his overconfidence. >take hay You grasp a few blades of hay by the roots and pull them up out of the soil. You think you can hear some far-off police sirens. The waiter llama mutters something in French. The host goes north at a trot, arriving in the fruit bar. Sir Ponyheart rushes at the host, throwing a wild punch as he approaches. A sommelier and a pastry chef come running out of the kitchen. "Don't worry, we're coming!" yells one of them as they pause, panting, and survey the scene. "Get ready for another course!" cackles the pastry chef. >s You gallop to the south. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The pastry chef llama hefts one of his pies and stares at you with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. The sommelier llama heads west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. "When I'm through with you, you'll regret ever having entered the culinary sector!" Ponyheart charges at the host llama, who sidesteps and lets the knight hurtle past. >s You walk south, kicking aside artichokes. The sommelier llama prepares to fight you. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. The waiter grabs some sauerkraut. With a mad cackle and a dramatic flourish, the pastry chef llama hurls another pie at you! "Experience my latest creation!" he yells. The weaponized dessert bangs into your front leg and splatters cream over your fur. With his corkscrew, the sommelier unseals one of the bottles he's holding and takes a discreet sniff. "A beautiful vintage... perhaps you would like to experience it?" Holding it by the neck, he swings the bottle at your head. Pain shoots through your skull and wine splashes over your mane. Sir Ponyheart leaps through the air at the host llama and launches into a straight punch, but his hoof goes through empty air; the llama managed to dodge. >i You are carrying some hay. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >spray sommelier with hay That's not a verb I recognize. >* aww [Thank you for your feedback!] >waylay sommelier with hay You wait just long enough for the sommelier llama to start moving toward you - then you leap up and slap him with the hay! Like an actor in a slapstick comedy, the sommelier flops on the ground, apparently out cold. The Camel was right; pun attacks really do work. Sir Ponyheart swings the bundle of roses at the host llama like a sword and lands a solid hit! "Ow," mutters the llama, more annoyed than injured. >* OK that was good [Thank you for your feedback!] >e You trot to the east. The pastry chef prepares to fight you. You're at the back of the buffet, right next to the steel doors that lead into the kitchen. The corridor extends west. The pastry chef lets go of his pie and fumbles for the rolling pin in his apron pocket. "Aha!" he says, pulling it out and waving it around like a pirate with a cutlass. The host runs to the north, to the dessert bar. Sir Ponyheart gallops north, ending up in the dessert bar by the host. >n You go north, away from the pastry chef. Most of the bins here are filled with an unusual blend of mixed fruit. You notice that a few are filled entirely with pomelos. There must have been a surplus of them. Ponyheart and the maitre d' rush at each other and end up locked in a wrestling match. It looks like the knight is going to get the worst of it, but then the llama trips and hits his head on the ground. "What a nuisance!" snarls the host llama, turning on Ponyheart. >take pomelos You scoop up a hoofful of pomelos. With an evil cackle, the pastry chef llama approaches you from the south, raising his rolling pin to strike you! Ponyheart swings at the host llama, but he telegraphs his move so obviously that the llama easily dances back and buffets him on the ribs. >pummel llama with pomelo Who do you mean, the pastry chef, the wine expert, the busboy, the host llama, or the mustachioed waiter? >chef "Want a taste of these PUMMELOS?" you yell at the pastry chef, holding one in each hoof and ramming them repeatedly into his furry face. Juice spurts out from cracks in the fruits' skin. The pastry chef puts a hoof to his head, then loses his balance and crashes to the ground. Another one down. The host heads west, to the northeast part of the salad bar. Sir Ponyheart gallops west, ending up in the northeast part of the salad bar by the host llama. A head chef gallops out of the kitchen. "You pathetic fools!" he thunders at the other llamas, brandishing a blunt meat pounder. "I, Magnus Chefsson, will show you all what TRUE expertise looks like!" >n You run north. This must be the pastry chef's personal corner. You can go west or south. On one side there is a row of pound cakes and on the other there are apple pies, their crusts soggy from sitting out for too long. You also some empty bins labeled "Gummy Bears". The head chef gallops north, to the fruit bar, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. The maitre d' llama throws a punch at the knight, but Ponyheart ducks and kicks him in the shin. >take pound You take a pound cake. "Tremble before my might, rogue!" yells Ponyheart, delivering a kick to the host llama's ribs. The sirens seem to be getting closer. >z You wait. The host llama goes west, to the northwest part of the salad bar. Also, the head chef llama gallops north, advancing on you with meat pounder raised. Sir Ponyheart gallops west, ending up in the northwest part of the salad bar by the maitre d'. >pound chef with pound cake Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef llama, or the chef's hat? >hat You hurl the pound cake at the pastry chef, hitting him squarely in the shaggy face! "It would be delicious... if it were not zo painful," he screams. The host llama ducks and blocks a poorly aimed kick from Sir Ponyheart. >w Leaving the head chef behind, you make your way west. A long trough is filled with soil here, and grass is growing out of it. A sign helpfully informs you that this is "Hay (for horses)". On the other side, there are bins of asparagus and beets. The head chef llama charges straight at you from the east, brandishing his meat pounder viciously! The maitre d' ducks and blocks a poorly aimed kick from Sir Ponyheart. >beat chef with beets Which do you mean, the head chef, the pastry chef llama, or the chef's hat? >hat (first taking the beets) The host llama goes west at a trot, arriving in the northeast French section. Sir Ponyheart gallops west, ending up in the northeast French section by the host. >beat chef with beets Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef, or the chef's hat? >hat You hurl the beet at the pastry chef, hitting him squarely in the chest! "Zis is disgusting!" he shouts. Before you can dodge, the head chef pounds you in the flank. Your muscles feel a bit tenderized. Sir Ponyheart leaps through the air at the maitre d' and launches into a straight punch, but his hoof goes through empty air; the llama managed to dodge. >s Leaving the head chef behind, you rush south. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The busboy throws a clumsy punch at you, but you easily block it. "None can withstand the fury of a true warrior!" Ponyheart charges at the maitre d' llama, who sidesteps and lets the knight hurtle past. >s Your hoof hits some artichokes and some hay as you head to the south. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. The busboy llama aims a kick at your chest, but you block it with your own front leg and prepare to counterattack! The head chef llama gallops south, to the area by the ice cream maker, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. Sir Ponyheart swings the bundle of roses at the maitre d' llama like a sword and lands a solid hit! "Ow," mutters the llama, more annoyed than injured. >s You charge south. The area you're in is stocked with hamburgers and pizza - the two greatest foods known to ponykind. The head chef llama heads south, to the area east of the center of the buffet. Sir Ponyheart sallies forth and punches the host llama in the face. He spins around and hit the ground, unconscious. "Ha!" exults the knight. "Never dare to challenge the flower of chivalry again, you vicious wretch!" >s You head south. The foal-friendly section must be for foals with large appetites and waistlines. The first thing that catches your eye is the greasy, industrial macaroni and cheese, but there are also dozens of huge double-decker sandwiches awkwardly stacked in another bin. >take sandwich You take a double decker sandwich. The head chef llama goes south at a trot, arriving in the north foal-friendly section. The sirens are a lot closer now. >z You wait. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Off to the northwest, you see the knight running south. Now he's in the southeast French section. >deck check with double-decker sandwich You can't see any check here. >deck chef with double-decker sandwich Which do you mean, the head chef, the pastry chef llama, or the chef's hat? >head What do you want to head? >deck chef with double-decker sandwich Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef llama, or the chef's hat? >hat You can't see any double-decker here. >deck chef with double decker sandwich Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef llama, or the chef's hat? >chef Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef, or the chef's hat? >hat You hurl the double decker sandwich at the pastry chef llama, hitting him squarely in the chest! The head chef glares at you and brings his tenderizer down at your head, but you dodge to the side. His strike slams into a food counter with a huge metallic crash. The mustachioed waiter launches the sauerkraut at you, but his aim is a little too high and you're able to avoid it. Sauerkraut sprays over the south wall; some of the cabbage shreds stick wetly to the wall, some of them fall to the floor below. >w You walk west, leaving the head chef llama behind. A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, you can get some lutefisk soup, which you're pretty sure is not actually a traditional Swedish meal. The head chef llama charges west, advancing on you with meat pounder raised. At the same time, the waiter llama canters south, to the center of the buffet. >w Your hoof hits some pomelos as you make your way west at a brisk trot. The head chef llama is behind you now. A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, it's shaped into cubes. The elegant waiter runs to the south, to the east Swedish section. >w You head west at a fast gallop. A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, it's shaped into globs. The head chef llama gallops west, glaring at you across the buffet counter to the east; simultaneously, the waiter llama gallops south, to the east lutefisk section. Sir Ponyheart canters south, to the area west of the center of the buffet. >n You make your way north. The serving station is divided into sections: a stack of plates, cheap silverware in three smaller compartments, and a rack of thin drinking glasses. The head chef llama canters west, heading toward you a few meters to the south; simultaneously, across the buffet, the mustachioed waiter goes east, to the south foal-friendly section, glaring at you. Off to the north, you see the knight running west. Now he's in the buffet entrance. >take glass You grab one of the glasses off the rack. The elegant waiter gets a double decker sandwich. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. >harrass chef with glass That's not a verb I recognize. >sass chef with glas That's not a verb I recognize. >throw glass at chef Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef llama, or the chef's hat? >hat You hurl the drinking glass at the pastry chef, hitting him squarely in the chest! The glass shatters and sprays across the ground, glittering in the fluorescent lights. "Throwing ze glass objects is not acceptable!" says the waiter. The head chef tries to tenderize you like a piece of meat, but you manage to catch his arm mid-strike and deflect the blow. >n You rush north. You have left the head chef llama behind. You're in the very front of the buffet, at the end of the long central corridor. The dining area is to the west, and the buffet corridor extends east. You could also go north to the drinks section or south to the serving station. The head chef rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. "En garde, layabout!" yells the brave knight, turning to face the head chef. >n Leaving the head chef llama behind, you gallop to the north. This appears to be where all the drink machines are. A soda dispenser is flanked by a water cooler and a rum cooler. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Sir Ponyheart follows the head chef llama north and ends up right next to you as well. "We can handle him together!" he tells you, pointing at the llama. The sirens are much louder. >x soda (the soda machine) There are five buttons, each with an associated nozzle, over a long grille for draining spilled soda. The options are Orange Explosion®, Cola 1®, Cola 2®, Citro-Fizz®, and Hideout®. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >numb chef with rum That's not a verb I recognize. >n You go north at a quick pace. The head chef llama is behind you now. This section seems to be devoted to haute cuisine: liver pate on the left and escargot on the right. They both look like they were manufactured in vats. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Sir Ponyheart follows the head chef north and ends up right next to you as well. >nail chef with snail That's not a verb I recognize. >rail chef with snails That's not a verb I recognize. >e You canter east. You have left the head chef behind. French peasant food is the theme here. One bin is full of French onion soup and the other is filled with greasy sausages called "Andouillettes." The head chef rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Sir Ponyheart follows the head chef east and ends up right next to you as well. >jinx chef with links That's not a verb I recognize. >sink chef with link That's not a verb I recognize. >s You trot to the south, leaving the head chef behind. This appears to be a miniature pâtisserie. One side is full of baguettes, and the other is piled high with stale croissants. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Sir Ponyheart follows the head chef south and ends up right next to you as well. >s Leaving the head chef llama behind, you charge to the south. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. Sir Ponyheart follows the head chef south and ends up right next to you as well. >e Leaving the head chef behind, you go east at a hurried pace. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. With a flick of his wrist, the waiter llama throws the double decker sandwich. It whips past your neck, missing by a few centimeters. The double decker sandwich hits the north wall, bounces off, and falls to the ground. Ponyheart lands a right hook to the head chef's face. His form is really bad. Exasperated, the head chef llama turns to deal with the relentless knight. >n You run north. The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. The waiter llama picks up some macaroni and cheese. The head chef swings the meat pounder at Sir Ponyheart's head, but the knight manages to duck just in time. Ponyheart swings at the head chef llama, but he telegraphs his move so obviously that the llama easily dances back and buffets him on the ribs. >take sauerkraut You scoop up some sauerkraut. There's a thud as Ponyheart gets hit in the leg by the head-chef-llama's meat pounder. The head chef llama has finally triumphed over Meighsalot's most valiant defender. He kicks him in the ribs just to be sure. Then he turns away and glares at you instead. "Prepare to feel my wrath!" he cackles. >s You go to the south. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The head chef llama rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. >rout chef with sauerkraut That's not a verb I recognize. >throw chef Which do you mean, the head chef llama, the pastry chef, or the chef's hat? >hat You don't think doing that is likely to protect you much. >pull hat You strain with all your might, but nothing obvious happens. Narrowing his eyes, the waiter gauges the distance and hurls the macaroni and cheese at you. Before you can react, it splatters all over you. Exasperated, you wipe it out of your eyes and off your nose. The head chef glares at you and swings his meat pounder like a mace. There's a sickeningly loud thud and pain shoots up your front leg. You hope nothing was broken. You stumble and fall forward, dazed. The world is rapidly fading to black... That didn't go very well. Would you like to RETRY the scene, CONTINUE despite having lost, or RAGEQUIT? >retry Okay, let's try that again... You've only taken a few steps toward the back when you hear hoofsteps in the kitchen - the double doors swing open and a waiter llama dashes out. In the split second that the doors are open, you can see at least five more llamas back there, discussing tactics and arming themselves with utensils. "So you have returned," he laughs. "Well, then, you are in for a SMÖRGÅSBORD... OF PAIN!" [Please press any key to continue.] It looks like you have a serious fight on your hooves. Remembering the Old Camel's advice, you look around, searching for anything that could help you. Mostly you see a whole lot of food. >e You rush east. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The waiter heads west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. >e You go east at a fast trot. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The elegant waiter approaches you from the east, glaring at you. >n You canter north. You have left the waiter behind. The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. You notice the elegant waiter coming at you from the south, and ready a combat stance. A maitre d' llama and a busboy rush out of the back, leaving the double doors swinging behind them. "There she is!" yells the maitre d', pointing at you with a cloven hoof. >take choke You can't see any choke here. >take artichoke You scoop up a hoofful of artichokes. The host runs to the west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. The waiter llama plunges his hooves into one of the bins and grabs some sauerkraut. He eyes it briefly, trying to decide whether to eat it or throw it at you. The busboy gallops west, to the area east of the center of the buffet, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. The front door swings open - you and the llamas involuntarily stop fighting and glance over to see who it is. Your heart sinks when you realize it's Ponyheart. To make matters worse, he seems to have thought you were going on a date, if the expensive suit and roses are any indication. "Oh... Hello..." he falters, as he glances around in confusion. His knightly brow furrows. "I can't say I expected hoofticuffs to be on the menu, but I guess it's today's special!" That was actually pretty witty, for Ponyheart. >s You gallop to the south, leaving the mustachioed waiter behind. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. Meighsalot's defender gallops eastward, gaining momentum as he heads into the melee. He scans his surroundings for a sword, or anything, really. >e You make your way east at a quick pace. The busboy and the host llama prepare to fight you. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. The busboy llama aims a kick at your chest, but you block it with your own front leg and prepare to counterattack! The waiter llama launches the sauerkraut at you, but his aim is a little too high and you're able to avoid it. Sauerkraut sprays over the east wall; some of the cabbage shreds stick wetly to the wall, some of them fall to the floor below. Sir Ponyheart canters east, to the area west of the center of the buffet. >choke busboy with artichoke You wrap the stalk around his neck. "Do you like ARTICHOKES?" you taunt. His eyes widen as he desperately fights to escape, but you keep up the pressure. The busboy llama, utterly overpowered by your pun-based combat skills, slides to a halt on the floor, unconscious. The maitre d' backs away from you to the east, keeping his hooves up in a sloppy guard stance. Now he's at the east end of the corridor. The waiter llama digs around in the bin of artichokes and grabs a hoofful of them. He begins winding up for a throw. Ponyheart trots east, to the center of the buffet, looking around for a target. >dodge You don't think doing that is likely to protect you much. >sidestep You don't think doing that is likely to protect you much. >n You head north at a brisk gallop. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." Off to the west, you see the knight running north. Now he's in the Southwest salad bar. "When I'm through with you, you'll regret ever having entered the culinary sector!" yells the brave knight, turning to face the mustachioed waiter. The llama laughs at his overconfidence. >n You walk to the north. A long trough is filled with soil here, and grass is growing out of it. A sign helpfully informs you that this is "Hay (for horses)". On the other side, there are bins of asparagus and beets. The waiter llama pitches the artichokes at you, quickly and accurately. It hits you in the face. The maitre d' goes south at a trot, arriving in the north Asian section. The waiter ducks and blocks a poorly aimed kick from Sir Ponyheart. >take hay You grasp a few blades of hay by the roots and pull them up out of the soil. You recall that there are other ways to deal with llamas than pun attacks. You could just punch them, or throw food at them. You think you can hear some far-off police sirens. The elegant waiter gets some sauerkraut. "Prepare to feel my wrath!" Ponyheart charges at the waiter llama, who sidesteps and lets the knight hurtle past. A sommelier and a pastry chef gallop out of the kitchen. "Two reinforcements, coming right up!" yells one of them as they pause, panting, and survey the scene. >s You trot to the south. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The pastry chef llama hefts one of his pies and stares at you with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. The sommelier llama runs to the west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. Ponyheart swings at the waiter, but he telegraphs his move so obviously that the llama easily dances back and buffets him on the ribs. >x chef Apparently this is the mastermind behind those second-rate, unappetizing baked goods. He's an imposing French-looking llama wearing a well-ironed chef's hat. He has a cream pie in each hoof and a wicked-looking rolling pin sticking out of his apron pocket. He is at the east end of the corridor. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >s Your hoof hits some artichokes as you charge to the south, bringing you face-to-face with the sommelier. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. With a flick of his wrist, the waiter llama throws the sauerkraut. It whips past your neck, missing by a few centimeters. Sauerkraut sprays over the east wall; some of the cabbage shreds stick wetly to the wall, some of them fall to the floor below. The maitre d' llama picks up some ramen. With a mad cackle and a dramatic flourish, the pastry chef llama hurls another pie at you! "Experience my latest creation!" he yells. The weaponized dessert bangs into your front leg and splatters cream over your fur. Sir Ponyheart leaps through the air at the elegant waiter and launches into a straight punch, but his hoof goes through empty air; the llama managed to dodge. >waylay sommelier with hay You wait just long enough for the sommelier to start moving toward you - then you leap up and slap him with the hay! Like an actor in a slapstick comedy, the sommelier flops on the ground, apparently out cold. The Camel was right; pun attacks really do work. The pastry chef llama hefts his remaining pie and stares at you with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. The waiter llama mutters something in French. Narrowing his eyes, the maitre d' llama gauges the distance and hurls the ramen at you. Before you can react, it hits you in the head. A number of the floppy noodles get stuck in your coat - it brings to mind many unpleasant training sessions with the Old Camel, which ended with a bowl of ramen to the face. Sir Ponyheart smacks the waiter in the snout. It looks painful. Exasperated, the waiter turns to deal with the relentless knight. >s You go to the south. The area you're in is stocked with hamburgers and pizza - the two greatest foods known to ponykind. Ponyheart flinches as the waiter's hoof hurtles toward his face. Fortunately for him, the llama stumbles and misses. The pastry chef draws back his front leg and throws another pie at you! "Experience my OTHER latest creation!" The pie grows and grows in your field of view as it hurtles toward your face. You try to dodge, but you're too slow... With a deafening splat, it hits your face, and masses of cream obscure your vision. Sir Ponyheart swings the bundle of roses at the waiter llama like a sword and lands a solid hit! "Ow," mutters the llama, more annoyed than injured. You stumble and fall forward, dazed. The world is rapidly fading to black... That didn't go very well. Would you like to RETRY the scene, CONTINUE despite having lost, or RAGEQUIT? >retry Okay, let's try that again... You've only taken a few steps toward the back when you hear hoofsteps in the kitchen - the double doors swing open and a waiter dashes out. In the split second that the doors are open, you can see at least five more llamas back there, discussing tactics and arming themselves with utensils. "So you have returned," he laughs. "Well, then, you are in for a SMÖRGÅSBORD... OF PAIN!" [Please press any key to continue.] It looks like you have a serious fight on your hooves. Remembering the Old Camel's advice, you look around, searching for anything that could help you. Mostly you see a whole lot of food. > You pause for a moment. >* can't really figure out how to dodge the thrown attacks, feels like luck [Thank you for your feedback!] >e You go east at a determined trot. You're slightly west of the center of the main corridor. South is Swedish food, north is the French section. The elegant waiter heads west, to the area east of the center of the buffet. >e You head east at a quick pace. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The waiter approaches you from the east, glaring at you. >n You walk to the north. The waiter is behind you now. The bin of Southwest salad is the centerpiece of this area, but on either side you could also help yourself to servings of sauerkraut and artichokes. The waiter llama heads north and prepares to attack. A host and a busboy llama rush out of the back, leaving the double doors swinging behind them. "There she is!" yells the host, pointing at you with a cloven hoof. >take artichoke You scoop up a hoofful of artichokes. The busboy llama glares at you - he's off to the southeast. "Come and get me if you can, Power Pony!" he yells. The maitre d' llama goes south at a trot, arriving in the north Asian section. The waiter llama aims a kick at your chest, but you block it with your own front leg and prepare to counterattack! The front door swings open - you and the llamas involuntarily stop fighting and glance over to see who it is. Your heart sinks when you realize it's Ponyheart. To make matters worse, he seems to have thought you were going on a date, if the expensive suit and roses are any indication. "Oh... Hello..." he falters, as he glances around in confusion. His knightly brow furrows. "I can't say I expected hoofticuffs to be on the menu, but I guess it's today's special!" That was actually pretty witty, for Ponyheart. >choke waiter with artichoke You wrap the stalk around his neck. "Do you like ARTICHOKES?" you taunt. His eyes widen as he desperately fights to escape, but you keep up the pressure. The waiter, utterly overpowered by your pun-based combat skills, slides to a halt on the floor, unconscious. The busboy llama gallops west, to the area east of the center of the buffet, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. Meighsalot's defender gallops eastward, gaining momentum as he heads into the melee. He scans his surroundings for a sword, or anything, really. >n You run north. The bins are smaller in the salad bar, so three foods are within easy reach: carrots, watercress, and Brussels sprouts. The busboy llama runs to the west, to the center of the buffet. Off to the southwest, you see the knight running east. Now he's west of the center of the buffet. >e You charge to the east. A long trough is filled with soil here, and grass is growing out of it. A sign helpfully informs you that this is "Hay (for horses)". On the other side, there are bins of asparagus and beets. The busboy llama heads north, to the Southwest salad bar. >take hay You grasp a few blades of hay by the roots and pull them up out of the soil. Across the buffet, the host llama gallops south, to the south asian section, glaring at you. At the same time, the busboy goes north, glaring at you across the buffet counter to the west. Sir Ponyheart canters east, to the center of the buffet. >s You make your way south at a brisk gallop. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The busboy runs to the east, to the northeast part of the salad bar. Ponyheart trots east, to the area east of the center of the buffet, looking around for a target. >s You make your way south. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. You recall that there are other ways to deal with llamas than pun attacks. You could just punch them, or throw food at them. You think you can hear some far-off police sirens. The maitre d' plunges his hooves into one of the bins and grabs a pork bun. He eyes it briefly, trying to decide whether to eat it or throw it at you. The busboy gallops south, to the area by the ice cream maker, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. Ponyheart trots west, to the center of the buffet, looking around for a target. A sommelier llama and a pastry chef burst out of the kitchen. "Don't worry, we're coming!" yells one of them as they pause, panting, and survey the scene. "Get ready for another course!" cackles the pastry chef. >s You go south at a fast gallop. The area you're in is stocked with hamburgers and pizza - the two greatest foods known to ponykind. The pastry chef llama hefts one of his pies and stares at you with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. The busboy llama canters south, getting ready to enter the aisle that you're in, and the sommelier goes west, getting ready to enter the aisle that you're in. Off to the north, you see the knight running east. Now he's east of the center of the buffet. "En garde, cowardly villain!" yells the brave knight, turning to face the busboy. The llama laughs at his overconfidence. >s You go south. The foal-friendly section must be for foals with large appetites and waistlines. The first thing that catches your eye is the greasy, industrial macaroni and cheese, but there are also dozens of huge double-decker sandwiches awkwardly stacked in another bin. The busboy charges south, heading toward you a few meters to the north; simultaneously, the sommelier gallops south, heading toward you a few meters to the north. With a mad cackle and a dramatic flourish, the pastry chef llama hurls another pie at you! "Experience my latest creation!" he yells. You shut your eyes and flinch away just before the pie hits you in the face, painfully. Sir Ponyheart rushes at the busboy, throwing a wild punch as he approaches. Ponyheart apparently gets distracted by the sommelier and stops chasing the busboy llama. "You can't hide from me!" he orates, turning to attack! >e You head to the east. The host llama prepares to fight you. The food on offer here consists of wonton soup and vegetarian pork buns - the kind with garish red filling made of Chinese barbecue tofu. The maitre d' backs away from you to the north, keeping his hooves up in a sloppy guard stance. Now he's in the north Asian section. Sir Ponyheart leaps through the air at the sommelier and launches into a straight punch, but his hoof goes through empty air; the llama managed to dodge. >n You trot to the north. The host prepares to fight you. There are as usual two bins here. One of them is overflowing with one of your least favorite foods - "Authentic Instant Ramen Noodles." The other is filled with pot stickers. The busboy llama goes north at a trot, arriving east of the center of the buffet. Ponyheart jabs the sommelier llama in the flank, eliciting a grunt of pain from the llama. "What a nuisance!" snarls the sommelier llama, turning on Ponyheart. >waylay host with hay You wait just long enough for the host llama to start moving toward you - then you leap up and slap him with the hay! Like an actor in a slapstick comedy, the host flops on the ground, apparently out cold. The Camel was right; pun attacks really do work. The busboy moves east, getting ready to enter the aisle that you're in. Also, the pastry chef llama heads north, turning out of the corridor and entering the fruit bar. "Tell me how THIS feels!" Ponyheart charges at the wine expert, who sidesteps and lets the knight hurtle past. >take ramen You scoop up some ramen. The pastry chef heads north, to the dessert bar. With his corkscrew, the sommelier unseals one of the bottles he's holding and takes a discreet sniff. "Aged perfectly... perhaps you would like to experience it?" Holding it by the neck, he swings the bottle at Sir Ponyheart's head. He dodges and wine sprays in a huge arc over the floor. "Ah! Such good wine, wasted for nothing!" cries the sommelier in a frenzy, hurling the now-empty bottle aside. The busboy llama gallops south and charges straight at you! "Tremble before my might, nefarious fiend!" yells Ponyheart, delivering a kick to the sommelier llama's ribs. >ram busboy with ramen You smile proudly as you execute the traditional move that the Camel taught you all those years ago. "Hey, try some RAMMING NOODLES!" The llama staggers, raising his hooves in a futile effort to protect himself from the Asian noodles. While he's distracted, you side-kick him in the head. The busboy llama puts a hoof to his head, then loses his balance and crashes to the ground. Another one down. The pastry chef llama hefts his remaining pie and stares at you with the calculating look of an experienced marksman. Ponyheart swings at the sommelier, but he telegraphs his move so obviously that the llama easily dances back and buffets him on the ribs. A head chef llama dashes out of the kitchen. "You pathetic fools!" he thunders at the other llamas, brandishing a blunt meat pounder. "I, Magnus Chefsson, will show you all what TRUE expertise looks like!" "Get ready for another course!" cackles the pastry chef. >n You gallop north, bringing you face-to-face with the head chef. You're at the back of the buffet, right next to the steel doors that lead into the kitchen. The corridor extends west. The pastry chef draws back his front leg and throws another pie at you! "Experience my OTHER latest creation!" He aimed too high, though; the pie misses you. The head chef's meat tenderizer slams into your neck, knocking the wind out of you. You reach out to the wall to stabilize yourself. The sommelier llama ducks and blocks a poorly aimed kick from Sir Ponyheart. >n Leaving the head chef llama behind, you canter north. Most of the bins here are filled with an unusual blend of mixed fruit. You notice that a few are filled entirely with pomelos. There must have been a surplus of them. "Zince I zeem to have run out of pies..." grumbles the pastry chef, "it is time to get my hooves dirty!" He pulls a wicked-looking rolling pin from his apron pocket and starts advancing toward you! The sommelier llama uncorks another bottle. "Such an aroma..." Holding it by the neck, he swings the bottle at Sir Ponyheart's head. He look dazed as the improvised weapon connects and shatters upon impact. The sommelier has finally triumphed over Meighsalot's most valiant defender. He kicks him in the ribs just to be sure. Then he turns away and glares at you instead. "You're on your own now, Power Pony!" he cackles. >n You rush to the north, bringing you face-to-face with the pastry chef llama. This must be the pastry chef's personal corner. You can go west or south. On one side there is a row of pound cakes and on the other there are apple pies, their crusts soggy from sitting out for too long. You also some empty bins labeled "Gummy Bears". The head chef llama gallops north, to the fruit bar, his cloven hooves tapping on the floor tiles. The pastry chef swings the rolling pin at you, but you manage to duck. The sirens seem to be getting closer. >pound pastry with pound (the pastry chef with the pound cakes) (first taking the pound cakes) The pastry chef swings the rolling pin at you, but you manage to duck. >pound pastry with pound You hesitate, remembering the Camel's advice; you can't just think of the pound cake as "pound," you have to refer to it in a way that completes the pun. >pound pastry with pound cake "They're called POUND CAKES for a reason!" you say, pounding him with the dessert! Frosting and crumbs spray everywhere. As the pastry chef collapses, it occurs to you that the army should hire more stand-up comedians. The head chef charges north, advancing on you with meat pounder raised; simultaneously, the sommelier llama canters north, to the area east of the center of the buffet. >w You make your way west at a hurried pace, leaving the head chef behind. A long trough is filled with soil here, and grass is growing out of it. A sign helpfully informs you that this is "Hay (for horses)". On the other side, there are bins of asparagus and beets. The head chef charges straight at you from the east, brandishing his meat pounder viciously! >s Leaving the head chef behind, you charge south. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The sommelier llama approaches you from the south, bouncing on his hooves and preparing to unseal another wine bottle. >s Leaving the sommelier behind, you head south at a brisk trot. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. The head chef llama runs to the south, to the area by the ice cream maker. >w You make your way west at a quick trot. You're in the middle of the buffet. The main corridor goes east and west from here. North is the salad bar and south is more Swedish food. The head chef llama goes south, glaring at you across the buffet counter to the east. Also, the sommelier moves south, glaring at you across the buffet counter to the east. >s You rush to the south. This is part of the traditional Swedish food section. On the left is a thick pea soup labeled "Artsoppa," and on the right, there's a pile of potato dumplings called "Kroppkakor." The head chef goes west at a trot, arriving in the center of the buffet. >eat dumplings You have to get a serving of the kroppkakor first. >take dumpling You take a kroppkakor. The sommelier llama canters west, getting ready to enter the aisle that you're in, and the head chef gallops south, advancing on you with meat pounder raised. >s Leaving the head chef behind, you walk south. A substantial portion of the buffet appears to be devoted to lutefisk. Here, you can get some lutefisk soup, which you're pretty sure is not actually a traditional Swedish meal. The sommelier heads south, to the east Swedish section. >eat dumpling You devour the kroppkakor in a few gigantic bites. It's actually pretty good, compared to some of the other food in this buffet. The head chef rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. The sirens are a lot closer now. >e You go east at a fast gallop, away from the head chef. The foal-friendly section must be for foals with large appetites and waistlines. The first thing that catches your eye is the greasy, industrial macaroni and cheese, but there are also dozens of huge double-decker sandwiches awkwardly stacked in another bin. The head chef rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. >x sandwichs You can't see any sandwichs here. >x sandwiches These seem unusually elaborate compared to everything else here. Most of them have tofu in them; some feature lettuce or tomatoes. All of them are double deckers. You'll have to act soon - the llamas are still moving! >n You head north at a hurried pace. You have left the head chef llama behind. The area you're in is stocked with hamburgers and pizza - the two greatest foods known to ponykind. The sommelier goes north, to the center of the buffet. At the same time, the head chef llama moves north, advancing on you with meat pounder raised. >n You go north. You have left the head chef behind. You're slightly east of the center of the main corridor. The ice cream maker is to your north. The head chef rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. >n You gallop north. The head chef llama is behind you now. You're standing near a large ice cream maker, but it's taped over and there's a paper sign on it that says "OUT OF ORDER." The head chef rushes at you with his pounder, muttering under his breath in Swedish. >n You run north, leaving the head chef behind. A long trough is filled with soil here, and grass is growing out of it. A sign helpfully informs you that this is "Hay (for horses)". On the other side, there are bins of asparagus and beets. The head chef gallops north, advancing on you with meat pounder raised. Also, the wine expert canters north, turning out of the corridor and entering the salad bar. >take beets You take a beet. You raise your arms to block Magnus's strike, but he's too strong - he powers through your guard and smashes the meat tenderizer into your shoulder! Pain explodes through you - you can't take many hits like that! You stumble and fall forward, dazed. The world is rapidly fading to black... That didn't go very well. Would you like to RETRY the scene, CONTINUE despite having lost, or RAGEQUIT? >continue All right, let's keep going... You open your eyes again and find yourself staring at the dirty, speckled ceiling of the buffet. You must have only been stunned for a few minutes. There's chaos all around you: the police have surrounded the building and are calling for everyone to come out with their hooves above their head.Leaning against one of the food counters for support, you climb back to your hooves, shake off the wooziness, and walk east, through the double doors. This might be your only chance to find out what's really going on... Kitchen You're in a drab, industrial-looking restaurant kitchen, with all the typical equipment: a range, a big oven, ventilation fans, and so forth. The vast expanse of steel countertop is empty, and unsettlingly dirty. Another heavy steel door is hanging half-open to the east; a giant warning sign that reads "EXTRA RESTRICTED AREA" is nailed to the front. >x oven None of the appliances seem like they've been used very much. >e You haul the door fully open and step through the doorway. Extra Restricted Area This appears to be the restaurant's storage area. Tons of crates just like the ones you saw in the warehouse by the bay are stacked in piles and rows, cutting up the cavernous space. There are also barrels and tanks of cooking supplies - vegetable oil, flour, vinegar, and so forth. One corner has been converted into an office area. The Big, Bad Llama is sitting at a polished mahogany desk, feeding important-looking papers, one by one, into a portable shredder. He's wearing his ever-present sunglasses and a matching business suit. He destroys the last few incriminating documents at once, turns to you and steeples his hooves. "So, I see you've finally peeled away all the layers of this onion-like mystery..." he begins with a condescending smile. 1. Declare "I'm Anastasia the Power Pony!" 2. Demand to know what's going on here. 3. Complain about the food. 4. Wait and see what he has to say. 5. Whap him as he stands there. >3 "I wasn't impressed by the quality of the food," you tell the llama. "There's no need to be rude," he returns. "What would you like me to do about it?" 1. "I'd like a refund." 2. "I'd like you to shut down your restaurant." 3. "I'd like to punch you in the face." >2 "How anticlimactic!" he exclaims. "Imagine if I said yes and promised to file the requisite paperwork, then we went our separate ways. No... it's time to end this once and for all." From somewhere inside his suit jacket, he produces a vicious-looking Trompson submachine gun, points it at you, and opens fire- 1. Super Pony Dodge! 2. Get to cover! >2 Acting instinctively, you duck and weave, then hit the ground and slide behind a row of crates. Echoes of gunfire rattle around the cavernous room. In the comparative silence, you hear his hoofsteps moving toward you on the hard floor. "You can't hide for long, Power Pony..." he announces menacingly. 1. Look around for anything that could help you. 2. Open one of the crates. 3. Keep moving. >1 You glance around quickly, noticing a taller pile of crates marked "FOODSTUFFS - FRAGILE," a row of stacked flour sacks nearby, and some giant tanks of vinegar, soy sauce, and baking soda in the corner of the room. 1. Open one of the crates. 2. Keep moving. 3. Run behind the flour sacks. >1 You reach up to try to get the lid off one of the crates, but duck back down again when a gunshot thunks into the top a few centimeters from your hoof. 1. Keep moving. 2. Run behind the flour sacks. >2 You take a deep breath, leap out from behind the crates, and start galloping behind the flour. The llama opens fire; bullets rip into the canvas sacks behind you and spray huge clouds of flour into the air! The Big, Bad Llama realizes your plan too late. Through the screen of white dust, you hear his disembodied voice admit, "Very clever, Anastasia. But when the dust settles..." You make it to an isolated island of crates. Now what? 1. Run over to the pile of crates marked "FOODSTUFFS - FRAGILE." 2. Open one of the crates. >1 You reach the crates just as the flour is settling. The Big, Bad Llama's menacing steps are approaching slowly but intently. 1. Open one of the crates. >1 You tear the lid off. A dozen revolvers glitter inside, packed in lutefisk. 1. Get a revolver. >1 Holding your breath, you plunge your hoof into the lutefisk and grab one of the guns. Fish paste drips off the barrel. You shake it off and prepare to aim. 1. Shoot the llama. 2. Shoot the vinegar. 3. Shoot the soy sauce. 4. Shoot the baking soda. >4 You blast through the tank of baking soda. There's a burst of red light. A jet of powder sprays out and begins to accumulate into a pile. The Big, Bad Llama clucks his tongue. "Bad aim, Anastasia." The llama returns fire, but his shots go wide. A window shatters behind you. Now you have five rounds left. 1. Shoot the llama. 2. Shoot the vinegar. 3. Shoot the soy sauce. 4. Shoot the baking soda. >2 You take aim and blow a hole in the side of the tank of vinegar. There's an orange flash and the clear liquid begins to gush out across the smooth floor. The puddle of vinegar and the pile of baking soda collide and explode into a huge wad of spreading foam! The Big, Bad Llama looks startled and looks around desperately for an escape route, but the science experiment gone wrong engulfs the screaming llama. [Please press any key to continue.] At that moment, the door swings open and bangs against the wall. Three police officers, led by Lieutenant Rumin, rush into the room, then stop short. "What in the world..." marvels the donkey, staring at the bubbling mass of foam. Then she sees you. "DROP THE GUN!" She aims her service revolver at you, and you comply readily. "Where did the llama go?" demands one of the other officers, a cow. "Search the room, then the outside of the building," orders the Lieutenant. "In the meantime-" she turns to the third policeman - "apprehend the horse. It looks like we might finally have our hooves on that vigilante we've been looking for." 1. Super Pony Dodge and get out of here! 2. Gallop away! 3. Wait for a better opportunity. >3 Suddenly, a blob of foam detaches from the rest and starts running toward the nearest window! As it leaps through the glass, breaking it on impact, you see that it's the Big, Bad Llama, cackling evilly. "FOLLOW HIM!" yells Rumin, and the police start running. Now's your chance; you jump out through the broken window and fly up and away... [Please press any key to continue.] A few days later, on your way home from work, you pick up a copy of the Meighsalot Tribune. The headline leaps out in block letters: "BUFFET STARTUP CLOSES AFTER FOOD POISONING, BRAWL." Unfortunately, the entire kitchen staff successfully argued self-defense and got away scot-free, and the owner - who you now know was the Big, Bad Llama - disappeared without a trace. [Please press any key to continue.] That villain may think he escaped, but he'll never be safe from you. Next time he shows his shaggy face, you'll be better prepared; where people like the Commissioner, Sir Ponyheart, and Lieutenant Rumin fail, you'll be there to take him down... *** You have won *** You won the fight in the alley by making both of the thugs knock themselves out, earning you the rank of Aikido Master. You also found all the information at the warehouse, and even rescued Ponyheart, earning you the rank of Hard Boiled Sleuth. However, you lost the food fight, but performed several pun attacks, earning you the rank of Comedic Chef. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, QUIT, or UNDO the last command? > quit