Start of a transcript of Dr Ludwig and the Devil A Deal-Making Simulator by SV Linwood Release 1 / Serial number 230928 / Inform 7 build 6M62 (I6/v6.34 lib 6/12N) Identification number: //0A6283AE-3629-4141-8A48-14B4E888E192// Interpreter version 1.3.6 / VM 3.1.2 / Library serial number 080126 Standard Rules version 3/120430 by Graham Nelson Epistemology version 9 by Eric Eve >* this was a delightful opening (Noted.) >x me It was me, Dr Ludwig, renowned genius! I was the very picture of a mad scientist, if I may say so myself. The bloodstains on my lab coat really brought out my eyes. >x coat My favorite lab coat! After that accident while experimenting with pocket dimensions, I could carry so much stuff in it. And the bloodstains were very fashionable, too! >* lol is every passage going to start with an exclamation point? (Noted.) >i In my lab coat I was carrying: a to-do list >x list - summon the Devil ? - ask the Devil about the secret of creating life - laugh in the very face of God as I cross the boundary between life and death [ This list will update as the game progresses. ] [ New general topic: creating life. To turn off new topic notification, type TOPICS OFF. ] >* ooh intriguing (Noted.) >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x machinery My machinery! It had been a pain to rebuild it all from scratch after getting chased out of the last town, but it had been worth it. The flickering green lights and low background humming really tied the room together. >x alembics No self-respecting mad scientist would ever own a lab without mysterious bubbling liquids lying about. >* I do like the word "alembic" (Noted.) >x shelves My collection of bubbling liquids was very carefully arranged. >* OK I gotta try (Noted.) >laugh Ah, yes! There is nothing better than a nice invigorating maniacal laugh! The Devil buried his face in his hands. "Why do we always get the weird ones?" >cackle Ah, yes! There is nothing better than a nice invigorating maniacal laugh! The Devil heaved a heavy sigh. "This is the last time we answer a call from someone we don't know..." >chortle Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way [ Type VERBS for a list of verbs required in this game. ] >* pretty good! (Noted.) >about A deal-making simulator by SV Linwood. This game was made in Inform 7, created by Graham Nelson, and uses the extensions Basic Screen Effects, Punctuation Removal, Modified Exit by Emily Short, and Epistemology by Eric Eve. Some code was adapted from In-Line Hints by Andrew Schultz and Compliant Characters by Nathanael Nerode. Many thanks to my beta testers: Austin Auclair, Jade, Peter M.J. Gross, and Tabitha O'Connell. This is a work of fiction. Do not try robbing graves, summoning demons, or reanimating the dead at home. [ Type HELP to learn more about how this game works, VERBS to see a list of useful commands, or HINT if you're stuck on how to proceed. ] >* awww but what if I really want to? (Noted.) >x desk My desk! Oh, how many hours I'd spent there, poring over books, scribbling notes, tearing out my hair as I worked and worked to understand the secret of creating life from nothing! Soon, though, soon all my efforts will be rewarded! Scattered all over the desk was a jumble of notes and papers. In the middle of that mess was my inkwell. Red ooze seemed to be leaking from the drawer. And in the middle lay my prize, the book that had made all this possible: the Grand Grimoire. >x notes Covered in scribbles, the result of long nights of frantic study. Ah, how I toiled over it all, blind to the truth! But those days were now past! >read notes I'd spent so much time poring over them I already knew them by heart. Which was a good thing! It had been long enough that I didn't think I could have deciphered my handwriting any more. >take notes No. I had a system. I'd never find anything again if I messed with it! >* lol (Noted.) >x ink My inkwell! A most useful tool for the learned man! Or so it would have been had I not misplaced my last pen the other day. >touch ink I am a man of science! I am above such physical labor as touching things without purpose! >* lol (Noted.) >x ooze Concerning! >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x grimoire A large tome with brittle pages, bound in aged leather that I'd been assured was genuine human skin but when tested in my lab turned out to be sheepskin. I'd gone to demand a refund only to discover that the shop had vanished into thin air and no one remembered it ever existing. Mysterious shopkeepers these days! But no matter. For what the exterior lacked in panache, the contents more than made up for: the book carefully detailed all the knowledge mankind had gathered of Hell, demons, and other infernal matters. And, most importantly, the knowledge I was after: the secret to summoning, controlling, and banishing demons. [ You can LOOK UP (something) to read its entry in the Grimoire. Type TOPICS or T for suggestions. ] [ New general topics: the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, and banishing demons. ] >* ooh cool (Noted.) >take grimoire The Grand Grimoire was mine! All mine! >i In my lab coat I was carrying: the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >look up grand THE GRAND GRIMOIRE Being a compendium of Daemonology compyled by Theophrastus the Wise Containing therein fifty-seven tips for summoning demons thou wilt not believe actually work! "A toure de force! Ye only resource on demonologie thou wilt ever neede!" - John Dee [ New general topic: Theophrastus the Wise. ] >* Paracelsus! (Noted.) >look up wise ABOUT YE AUTHOR Theophrastus the Wise is the critically acclaim'd author of suche unforgettable bookes as 100 Things Thy Cleric Didn't Tell Thee About Daemons & Exorcisms for Dummyes. A unique new voice in the daemonologie genre, Theophraftus hath an MFA in creative writing frome renown'd Scholomance U. When notte writing or summoning demons, he enjoys cooking, alchemy & competitive dueling. >look up dee I had no interest in researching the subject. That, or I wasn't sure what you're talking about. >look up demons Which do you mean, summoning demons, controlling demons, or banishing demons? >summoning Here is my compleat step by step guide to performing a prop'r summoning, 100% guaranteed to trappe any demon, leaving him unable to LEAVE or BREAK the summoning circle or harm anything outside it & doom'd to humiliating defeate shoulde he trye -- or thy money back! Just followe these simple steps! (Editor's note: Ye author is notte refponsible for anye damages caufed by summoning demons or by any consequence thereof, suche as but not limit'd to breaking the circle prematurely, touching the circle whilst it is active, or unduly trufting anything said by a summon'd demon.) >look up controlling Once thou hast follow'd these inftructions to the lettere, the summoning spelle will allowe thee to commande the demon himself! Withe this power thou canst compel him to DANCE or SING or to TALK ABOUT anything thou wantst! Thou canst access this power simplye by uttering ye words: DEVIL, (INSERT ORDER HERE). Speake these words and power will be thine! Demons will hate thee! (Editor's note: Some reftrictions may applye. Orders muft be word'd in simple phrases. They can only applye to activities whose duration is limit'd and cannot compel the demon indefinitely. They muft concerne ordinarye actions and not require infernal or divine powers on the parte of the immortal being. Ye author is notte refponsible for any damages caufed by the mifhanding of this power. Voide in the state of France.) [ You can order the Devil around by typing DEVIL, (do something). ] >* ooh (Noted.) >look up banishing Eventually, thou wilt become sicke of ye demon sitting in thy living roome doing naughte but insulte thee & thy taste in decor. Once thou hast suffer'd enough of his anticks, thou canst banish him from thy sight with this one simple tricke! Pronounce the Enochian words IPAMIS KURAS in his accurfed prefence & the demon will vanish in a puffe of smoke, right before thine eyes! Yes, 'tis no lie: banishing demons is as easy as SAYing these words! No supernatural power required! Remember: I P A M I S K U R A S ! >t General topics: myself, the Devil, creating life, the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, banishing demons, and Theophrastus the Wise. Once the Devil was in a negotiating mood, I could think of some more topics. [ All topics required to win the game will appear on this list, but characters may respond to other topics as well. ] >look up myself The Grimoire would hardly have information about someone born centuries after its publication. This was demonology, not prophecy! >look up the devil Lucifer, also knowne as Satan, sits on the highe throwne of Hell, reigning o'er the nether worlde with his iron fiste. Once the highest of angels, he hath notte forgotten his nature. It is notte recommend'd to trye to summon him, for he is powerful & deceitful & a terrible house gueste. >look up creating life Of course the devilish tome said nothing on the subject. I hardly would have needed to go through all this trouble if it had! >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x table A bloodstained operating table hooked up to my machinery and activated by the lever nearby. Upon it lay my latest disappointment. I'd been too demoralized to even clean it up. Ah, but soon... >x disappointment There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x lever When pulled, this lever would activate my machinery, animating my creation and fulfilling my life's ambition! Or at least it would if I could get my experiments to work. >pull lever With a half-hearted "it's alive", I pulled the lever. Lightning arced over the table, flooding the lab with cool blue light. As shadows danced on the wall, the body convulsed once, twice, sat up, then fell back onto the slab with nary a sign of sapience. The Devil clapped. "That was a nice light show! We don't have those down in Hell!" >x body There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >* oops (Noted.) >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x clock It was a few minutes past six. Maybe waiting for midnight would have been more appropriate, but my schedule was packed! >z I stood around idle for a few seconds. Bah! This was getting me nowhere! >z I stood around idle for a few seconds. Bah! This was getting me nowhere! >z I stood around idle for a few seconds. Bah! This was getting me nowhere! >x clock It was a few minutes past six. Maybe waiting for midnight would have been more appropriate, but my schedule was packed! >open clock I may be a genius, but even I don't know how to open that! > For a moment I was at a loss for words, but quickly I rallied. >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x staircase A steep, narrow staircase. I'd almost broken my neck a few times on the devilish thing! >u No. I did not leave then. I was so close to my goal -- I was hardly going to run away unless I had a good reason! >x circle The circle would probably have looked more impressive in the middle of the lab, but unfortunately my operating table was in the way. But apart from that, I'd done a good job, if I may say so myself! The circle had been drawn with pinpoint precision, and not even my old art teacher would find fault in the mystical runes. I'd have liked to see the Devil try to get out of that. >x chalk The circle would probably have looked more impressive in the middle of the lab, but unfortunately my operating table was in the way. But apart from that, I'd done a good job, if I may say so myself! The circle had been drawn with pinpoint precision, and not even my old art teacher would find fault in the mystical runes. I'd have liked to see the Devil try to get out of that. >touch circle I most certainly did not. Touching an active summoning circle would have flung me into the deepest pits of Hell. Which would have been quite interesting, actually. I did fancy learning more about the nether world... But that was for later! For now, my evil machinations concerned only this domain. >say ipamis kuras No. Not yet. I had yet to gain everything I could from the Devil! >x devil A tall, otherworldly being in a flowing white robe stood like a statue inside the circle, projecting an almost eerie sense of stillness. Large white wings spread out behind him, his feathers resplendent with ethereal light. He -- 'he'? Once I thought about it I wasn't quite sure of his gender -- he stared placidly down at me with bright yellow eyes, almost as if he were sitting on his infernal throne instead of trapped inside a circle in a dusty corner of my lab. [ You can GREET (someone) to start a conversation with them. ] >* conversation system seems kinda TADS-y (no bad thing) (Noted.) >greet lucifer Finally, I faced the Devil himself! He stood in the circle, tall and imperious as if I were but an insect before him, his piercing yellow eyes raking over me in judgement; had I been a lesser man, I might have quaked in fear. His mouth twisted into a sneer, "Another mortal wishes to make a deal with us!" he said. "If we had a nickel for every time some fool decided they were important enough to negotiate with us, we'd be finally able to fund that recreation center in Dis we've been promising our citizens. Well then!" The Devil drew himself to his full height. "You think yourself worth our time, Dr Ludwig?" He smiled a sharp, haughty smile. "Impress us with your power." >devil, dance Ah, I still savor that moment. Even as I opened my mouth, I could feel the force of my words run through my entire being, almost sending me reeling back. If this was true power, I certainly could get used to it! The effect was immediate. The Devil performed a graceful pirouette with perfect form, his immaculate robe spinning around him. I grinned in triumph. The Devil glared at me... then stood up straight, brushing imaginary dust off his immaculate robe. "Well!" he said. "You've surprised us, mortal! There aren't many who can pull one over us. All right, then!" He clapped his hands, grinning. His smile was very white, and very sharp. "Ask us whatever you want! We can answer your questions... for a price." [ You can TALK ABOUT (something) to inquire about a topic. ASK ABOUT or A also work. Type TOPICS or T for suggestions. ] [ New topics for the Devil: himself and Hell. ] >devil, jump The Devil jumped fruitlessly up and down, his robe fluttering all around him. "Well, did that make you happy?" he snapped. >devil, laugh The Devil threw his head back and let out an impressively evil laugh. "Huh," he said. "That was pretty fun! Maybe you mad scientist types are onto something after all." >devil, talk to me "Yes, yes, hello there," the Devil said. It was actually rather impressive how he managed to so clearly roll his eyes without any visible pupils! >devil, look at machinery The Devil turned to stare at the machinery for a few seconds. "Now what did that achieve?" he snapped. >devil, look at table The Devil turned to stare at the slab for a few seconds. "Now what did that achieve?" he snapped. >devil, read book Try as I might, I couldn't think of a reason to ask the Devil to do that. >devil, take coat I was hardly going to let the Devil help himself to anything in my lab! >* nicely implemented (Noted.) >devil, inventory The Devil carefully inspected his robe, his wings, his smile, and his hands. "Now what did that achieve?" he snapped. >* oh did I get one over? (Noted.) >x robe A flowing garment, almost impossibly white. It shimmered in the glow of the Devil's wings. I wondered about his dry-cleaning bill. [ New topic for Devil: his dry-cleaning bill. ] >* lol (Noted.) >x wings The Devil's wings unfurled from his back, his feathers neatly groomed and glowing softly with their own mystical light. >x smile Smug enough to make one want to punch him in the teeth, sharp enough to make that a bad idea. >x hands The Devil's nails were perfectly manicured. >devil, about As powerful as the Devil is, even he cannot access meta commands. >* LOL well played (Noted.) >devil, sing "Magnificat anima mea Dominum," the Devil sang in a crystalline voice, then he immediately snapped his mouth shut with a withering glare. >* lol (Noted.) >greet devil The Devil waved his hand. "Yes, yes. What else do you need?" >ask devil about me "We must admit you've impressed us, Dr Ludwig." The Devil leaned forward, watching me as a cat might watch a bird sitting right outside its reach. >ask devil about himself "Oh, we're doing quite well, thank you very much for asking. Who doesn't love being stuck inside a circle? One of our favorite shapes, circles." [ New topic for Devil: the summoning circle. ] >ask devil about circle "Whoever invented the compass should be subjected to the worst torments of hell." The Devil paused for a moment. "The drawing implement, we mean. Nothing wrong with navigational instruments." >ask devil about book "That damnable book!" growled the Devil. "Do you have any idea how much trouble that dolt Theophrastus gave us? Always calling up our best workers at busy times, summoning us while we were in the shower... Oh, how we wish we could have gotten our hands on him!" >ask devil about theophrastus "Oh, don't talk to us about him. He still hasn't returned the money he owes us," grumbled the Devil. >ask devil about john dee I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about enochian "We have no time for such petty concerns," said the Devil with a dismissive wave. >ask devil about dry cleaning I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about dry cleaning bill "Oh, it's not so bad. We get a special discount by offering to spare our dry-cleaner from eternal torment. Lucky for her, considering how much she loves committing murder." >ask devil about robe "Do you like it?" The Devil turned to show off the shimmering fabric. "We had it tailor-made." >ask devil about smile His grin just grew wider. >ask devil about hands "Do you like them? We pay good money to our manicurist." >ask devil about money I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about wings "Do you like them?" The Devil preened. "We take a lot of care grooming them. Not a feather out of place." >t General topics: myself, the Devil, creating life, the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, banishing demons, and Theophrastus the Wise. I could also ask the Devil about: himself, Hell, his gender, his dry-cleaning bill, and the summoning circle. >ask devil about hel I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about hell The Devil perked up. "Oh, it's quite nice this time of the year! The pools of sulfur are bubbling nicely and wood of the suicides is in full bloom! Here, I think I have a brochure somewhere on me..." He searched his robes for something, then gave up and snapped his fingers. A flyer appeared in my hand. >x flyer Come to Hell! Enjoy balmy weather, stunning eldritch architecture, and interesting company, completely free of charge! Come visit us! Commit a mortal sin today! The glossy background showed the souls of the damned relaxing in reclining beach chairs around a pool of sulfur. >x sulfur Nice and bubbly. >ask devil about fyer I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about flyer "Give it a thought!" >ask devil about coat "We have no time for such petty concerns," said the Devil with a dismissive wave. I wondered if that meant he didn't know what to say about that. >ask devil about to-do list "We have no time for such petty concerns," said the Devil with a dismissive wave. I asked if that meant he didn't know what to say about that. "We have no time for such petty concerns." >ask devil about list "We have no time for such petty concerns," said the Devil with a dismissive wave. >ask devil about gender "What an intriguing question," said the Devil. "Tell me, what gender do you think we are?" >nonbinary They snapped their fingers. "Feel free to call us whatever you like," they said with a very sharp grin. >* nice (Noted.) >ask devil about life The Devil laughed. "Really? You summoned us to ask us that? You see, when two humans with specific anatomies love each other very much..." I stopped them right there. I was hardly interested in the tired, predictable workings of ordinary biology! Any regular person could bed someone -- my ambitions lay far higher! I wanted to be able to hold the secret to life itself in my hands, to create living, thinking beings from stone or mud or metal or flesh! I wanted to toil in God's domain! To match -- no, surpass -- Their act of creation! "Well! We certainly can't fault you for lack of vision," said the Devil. Also, I wasn't really... interested in that sort of thing. You know what I mean. "You know, that's entirely fair." The Devil clapped their hands. "To business, then! You know, we have to admit we're intrigued. Mortals always call on us to demand such petty things -- power, money, sex... Normally, we delegate such trifles to our subordinates. But this! This is actually interesting! Of course we have the knowledge you wish for. So, Dr Ludwig..." They leaned forward. "Let's discuss the Deal." [ New general topic: the Deal. ] >ask devil about laughing I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about deal "Good," the Devil said brightly, clapping their hands. "Now, let's talk terms. You know, we don't normally do this. We have entire divisions to do this work for us. You should count yourself among the lucky few to deal with us in person. Why, we can't even remember the last time we did this -- we might be out of practice!" They smiled very brightly. "So! The standard Deal is --" The doorbell rang, making us both jump. "Right, as I was saying, the standard Deal --" The doorbell rang again, more insistently. "Oh, will you go answer that!" snapped the Devil. >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. The doorbell rang insistently. >listen I didn't get to where I was by listening to things! The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the lab. "Please just answer the damn thing," muttered the Devil, rubbing their temples. >devil, listen No, no, the Devil was right. Dealing with supernatural beings required the proper mood, and we'd never have that with all this racket. Also, it was hard to concentrate! The doorbell kept ringing, more insistently than before. "We think we're getting a headache," muttered the Devil, rubbing their temples. >* lol (Noted.) >u Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. My shovel lay near the door where I'd left it after my latest trip to the town graveyard. The doorbell kept ringing. >x shovel My shovel! Graverobbing would be so much more inconvenient without it. The shrill ringing of the doorbell filled the air. >take it The shovel was mine! All mine! The doorbell rang insistently. >x door A large, ornate wooden door that would have been more impressive if the paint weren't peeling. The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the entrance hall. >open door The front door opened with a creak, and I stepped out of my manor to find myself faced with a dreadful sight: a mob of villagers standing outside my door, armed with torches and pitchforks, and staring at me with truculent scowls. I sighed. What was it this time? Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. A mob of villagers stood before me, wielding torches and pitchforks and looking as if they wanted to put them to decidedly non-agrarian uses. The tall blond man who led the mob (Hans, I think his name was) stood in front of the crowd, glaring at me with an intensity that the Devil themself would have envied. Someone in the crowd booed. >x hans Hans (yes, it was probably Hans) was a tall, broad-shouldered man with blond hair, tanned skin, and biceps reminiscent of a tree trunk. He was quite handsome, in a rustic sort of way. He stared at me with the sort of mulish scowl normally found in particularly obstinate barn animals. >x mob A collection of villagers who looked as if they considered a tavern sign to be challenging reading. Nothing more than ignorant rubes looking to stymie my advances in science. I would show them! I would show them all! Though maybe when they were wielding fewer sharp implements. Someone in the crowd jeered. >x torches They looked very on fire. >x pitchforks They looked very sharp. Someone in the crowd made unflattering insinuations about my ancestors and their relationship with barn animals. >x road A little road winding through the countryside. >talk to hans Sighing, I approached the man. I might as well see that he wanted this time. I barely even had time to open my mouth before Hans (or maybe it was Fritz?) stepped towards me, puffing out his chest. "Good evening, sir. I am here representing the Torch and Pitchfork Society of our fair town. In light of the current situation, we have come to present our grievances with your activities --" Oh, this was just ridiculous! We'd had this conversation just the other week! "-- with your activities," he plowed on. "including as but not limited to graverobbing, unethical experimentation, loud noises after midnight..." >tell hans about devil Hans (no, I'm quite sure it was Hans) carried on, stubbornly ignoring me. "...larceny, petty theft, vandalism..." >hit hans with shovel I had no wish to dirty my hands -- that's what minions were for! At least once I got around to creating some. "...practicing medicine without a license, possession of unlicensed organs, improper use of farming equipment..." >* good help is so hard to fine (Noted.) >z I stood there waiting for Hans to finish. "...destruction of public property, reanimating the dead into shambling abominations..." Oh, come on! That experiment hadn't even worked! >z I stood there waiting for Hans to finish. "...crimes against God, crimes against common sense, crimes against the laws of physics..." >tap feet Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >z I stood there waiting for Hans to finish. "...and as such we have prepared a Society charter detailing the appropriate behavior expected of a citizen of this town." Hans held out the charter, standing stiff as a board, clearly waiting for me to take it. >read charter I leaned forward to make out the writing, but Hans (I think) just shoved the paper into my face. Hans held out the charter, standing stiff as a board, clearly waiting for me to take it. >take it I snatched the charter from his hands with as much disdain as I could muster. "Good," Hans said stiffly. "We expect you to read it over and sign it by tonight. Once you have done so, bring it over to me so I can contra -- con -- countersign it. You can find me in the tavern outside of town." And with that he turned. The crowd parted for him, then followed him as he marched resolutely towards the town, cheering and waving their torches and pitchforks. Their clamor grew quieter as they disappeared into the distance, until at long last silence reigned, and I was left standing there holding the damn charter in my hands. >* rather legalistic mob (Noted.) >x charter I, the undersigned, hereby acknowledge and agree to abide by the following regulations: - no experiments are to be conducted on weekends and on public holidays (with the exception of Hallowe'en for historical reasons); - no more than three (3) grave robberies may be committed per month; - advance notice must be given at least twenty-four (24) hours before any attempt to reanimate any corpse larger than a goat; - no loud noises after eight (8) pm; ...and so on, ridiculous demand after ridiculous demand. Below were two lines for signatures, mine and Hans'. Looked like there was someone literate somewhere in that mob. I was surprised -- it certainly wasn't Hans himself. >read it I, the undersigned, hereby acknowledge and agree to abide by the following regulations: - no experiments are to be conducted on weekends and on public holidays (with the exception of Hallowe'en for historical reasons); - no more than three (3) grave robberies may be committed per month; - advance notice must be given at least twenty-four (24) hours before any attempt to reanimate any corpse larger than a goat; - no loud noises after eight (8) pm; ...and so on, ridiculous demand after ridiculous demand. Below were two lines for signatures, mine and Hans'. Looked like there was someone literate somewhere in that mob. I was surprised -- it certainly wasn't Hans himself. >rip up charte I only understood you as far as wanting to rip up. >rip up charter I only understood you as far as wanting to rip up. >rip (the bloodstains) I had no wish to dirty my hands -- that's what minions were for! At least once I got around to creating some. >rip charter Oh, how I wished I could! But I'd never hear the end of it if I did. Besides, I didn't want to hurt Hans' feelings. >s I still had unfinished business back at the lab. >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >x cobwebs This manor had been abandoned for a while. It had a nice gloomy atmosphere. Perfect for housing a mad scientist's secret lab! >x furnishings Bah! What interest had I in such banal things as home decor? Flickering green lights and bloodstained slabs were a much better look. >d The Devil stood in the circle with their arms crossed. "Good, that damn ringing stopped. Now we can continue our business." Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >tell devil about mob "We have no interest in mortals. At least not specific ones. Humanity as a whole is quite fascinating, actually." [ New topic for Devil: humanity. ] >show charter to devil "We have no time for such petty concerns," said the Devil with a dismissive wave. I wondered if that meant they didn't know what to say about that. >devil, sign charter As amusing as it would have been to force the Devil to follow the charter's stipulations, I had no reason to do so at that moment. >* ha, keeping that in my back pocket (Noted.) >ask devil about humanity "Such fascinating creatures," said the Devil with an almost benevolent smile. "Born in a cruel world, constantly finding ways to make it worse for themselves and others. We almost envy your capacity for evil." >sign charter I would not give in to their demands! >ask devil about deal "Good." The Devil smiled. "Now that that infernal ringing has stopped, we can finally get down to business." They clapped their hands. "Now! The standard terms are very simple! We give you the knowledge you seek, and in return we will take possession of your immortal soul to do as we wish. Do you agree?" >no No, that is not what I said. I had come this far. I couldn't back out. Not now. I steeled myself, and nodded. The Devil beamed, bright as the sun. "Excellent! Now, if you will take this..." They snapped their fingers. The sound reverberated throughout the room like a tombstone falling on a granite slab, and a contract blinked into existence before me, floating in the air. >ask devil about soul No. That is not what I did. What I sought finally lay before me -- I only had to reach out and take it. >x contract I tried to concentrate on the words, but they blurred and weaved before my eyes. "Ah ah ah," the Devil chided. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Take the contract first." >take it I still dream about that moment. I'd felt nothing like it before -- nor would I since. As my fingers closed around the paper, a shiver ran through me, as if a million piercing eyes were watching me from the walls, raking over my skin, pulling at my flesh and bones and soul... Then the feeling passed, and I was left holding a piece of paper in my hand. "Good," the Devil said. "Now, here's how things will work. Once the deal is made, you'll have nothing more to worry about. Someday in the future, maybe days, maybe years, we'll send over our agents to collect our due, but why fret about that now? Just read over the contract and return it to us with a signature on it -- or, actually, just an X will do, the collections agency will know how to find you." They snapped their fingers again, and a dip pen appeared in my hand. Their smile was very sharp. "Then you will gain knowledge beyond your comprehension." [ New general topic: the infernal contract. ] [ New topic for Devil: the collections agency. ] >ask devil about contract "We have told you our terms, Dr Ludwig. It is up to you to accept them. Return that contract with a signature on it -- or, actually, just an X will do, the collections agency will know how to find you -- and the knowledge will be yours." >ask devil about agency "Ah! The pride of our souls department! They can find anyone, anywhere, just from their signature -- or even from an X! It's quite impressive, really. So don't even think about trying to skip town, Ludwig. They'll know who and where you are, and they'll find you." Impressive! I asked how they could possibly manage that, but the Devil simply waved a hand. "We have no idea, actually. Such minutiae are beneath us. We do know how to delegate." >sign charter I would not give in to their demands! >sign contract I may be mad, but I was hardly going to sell my soul without finding some sort of loophole first. Also, the pen needed to be dipped in ink. The Devil impatiently tapped their foot. >put pen in ink I dipped the pen into the inkwell, but when I pulled it out I was surprised to find it just as clean as it had been. "Oh, right," said the Devil. "I forgot to mention that! No mere human ink may sully our contracts. To properly bind your soul to it you must use --" they paused for an appropriately dramatic beat "-- demonic ink!" I sighed. Of course it wasn't that easy. [ New general topic: demonic ink. ] >ask devil about ink (the demonic ink) "Well, let's see..." muttered the Devil, tapping their cheek. "You know, we don't actually remember. We're hardly the one in charge of brewing it, you know. We do remember giving the recipe to some human a few centuries ago..." I stared at them. "Oh, figure it out for yourself!" They laughed. "We are hardly interested in boring souls. Prove your resourcefulness, and we'll be happy to deal with you." >look up ink (the demonic ink) Grandma's authentic demonic ink recipe I still remember ye carefree summer days of mine youthe, whenne my grandmother woulde watch over me at her summer hut. In between brewing potions & tormenting wytch-hunters, she woulde always take time to see to mine education. "Remember, Theophrastus," she woulde tell me, bent over her cauldron. "Whenne signing infernal contracts, there is nothing better than demonic ink. Why, when I was thine age, the Devil themself gave me this ...This went on for several pages. I skipped to the list of ingredients. - 1 or 2 cups of the blood of a divine being (preferably fresh) - 1 bone of an ancestor (aged at least ten years) - 2 eyes of a hunted beast - a source of divine radiance, to taste DIP ye ingredients in the blood, then waite for the mixture to settle. [ New general topics: divine blood, divine radiance, ancestor's bone, and eyes of a hunted beast. ] >ask about blood (the divine blood) "Divine blood?" The Devil smiled a vicious smile "Well, we know one way to get some. Care to guess?" I could, but it seemed much too violent for my tastes. I do have standards, you know. >ask about radiance (divine radiance) "Divine radiance?" The Devil narrowed their eyes, drawing their wings closer to their back. "Why would you think we know anything about that?" >ask about radiance (divine radiance) "Divine radiance?" The Devil narrowed their eyes, drawing their wings closer to their back. "Why would you think we know anything about that?" >ask about bone "The bone of an ancestor? What are you asking us for? We deal in souls, not what they leave behind." >ask about eyes (eyes of a hunted beast) "The eyes of a hunted beast? You'll have to ask a hunter, wouldn't you? So are you asking us?" >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >cut devil Well, now! That may have been a way to get the blood of a divine being, but it seemed rather cruel, didn't it? I may be evil, but I do have standards. >devil, bleed Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >x to-do - summon the Devil ? - ask the Devil about the secret of creating life ? - obtain some demonic ink - find the blood of a divine being - find the eyes of a hunted beast - find the bone of an ancestor - find a source of divine radiance - find a loophole in the Devil's contract terms - get the contract signed - make a Deal with the Devil - laugh in the very face of God as I cross the boundary between life and death >x contract The contract looked disappointingly like every other legal document I'd ever seen. I, the undersigned, hereby certify that I am the lawful owner of my immortal soul and have the authority to sell it. I certify that this soul is free and clear of all liens, security agreements, encumbrances, claims, demands and charges. I do hereby grant, sell and transfer full ownership of this soul to the buyer, subject to the limitations described in art. 13 of Hell Regulation 1469/679. The Devil's signature, a complicated twisting wiggle, was on the bottom. A line below indicated where the seller should sign. [ New topic for Devil: "subject to limitations". ] >ask devil about limitation "Nothing you need to worry about," said the Devil with a sharp smile. "Our legal department works night and day to ensure that our contracts are perfectly watertight, for the peace of mind of both us and our client." >u "Oh, fine, just leave us here to rot! We'll see who's laughing once your soul is finally ours!" Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >s Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >x weeds Whoever looked after the place had been slacking off. I approved! It added to the gothic atmosphere. >x bushes Whoever looked after the place had been slacking off. I approved! It added to the gothic atmosphere. >search weeds Whoever looked after the place had been slacking off. I approved! It added to the gothic atmosphere. >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. >x bear The stuffed bear's head hung above the doorway, watching visitors with glassy eyes -- a grim welcome into an establishment that utterly failed to live up to it. It was a real animal's head, hung there a hundred years ago by some hunter who thought this was an achievement to boast about. How barbaric! Everyone knows that dead bears are best reanimated into undead abominations and released upon unsuspecting villagers! >x eyes The bear looked down at me with glassy eyes. It was a little creepy, actually! >take eyes I could hardly take the beast's eyes while standing on the ground, of course. It was far too high up, and my experiments with growth hormones had been a failure. >* alas (Noted.) >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >e Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: a grave, a tomb, a burial mound, and a cenotaph. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >x pen A dip pen from the depths of Hell. It was much like an ordinary pen, except slightly warm to the touch. A quill would have been more dramatic, but I suppose even Hell has to modernize. It is the nineteenth century. I'd need to dip it in ink to use it. >x stone As a a frequent visitor of graveyards, I'd rate this one a solid 7. Excellent atmosphere, but the materials were too old for me to use. >x grave Here lies Thomas the Unhandy. Loving son. Devoted husband. Terrible sword swallower. [ New general topic: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy. ] >x tomb Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. [ New general topic: the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. ] >x mount There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x mound There once was a hunter named Clare Who bet she could fist fight a bear. And so without fear She said, "Hold my beer," And walked to her death with great flair. [ New general topic: the burial mound of Clare the hunter. ] >x cenotaph Here lies not the Great Manini. Proud world record holder of Longest-Lasting Vanishing Act. Two hundred years and counting! [ New general topic: the cenotaph of the Great Manini. ] >dig cenotaph cenotaph, (from Greek kenotaphion, "empty tomb"), a monument to someone who is buried elsewhere. >* nice (Noted.) >dig mound I could certainly get a bone here, but it had to be an ancestor's bone. I didn't know any of these people! They could have been lifelong bachelors for all I knew! Their family line could have died out centuries ago! >dig unknown I could certainly get a bone here, but it had to be an ancestor's bone. I didn't know any of these people! They could have been lifelong bachelors for all I knew! Their family line could have died out centuries ago! >dig grave I could certainly get a bone here, but it had to be an ancestor's bone. I didn't know any of these people! They could have been lifelong bachelors for all I knew! Their family line could have died out centuries ago! >look up thomas The Grimoire would hardly have information about someone born centuries after its publication. This was demonology, not prophecy! >l Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >n Churchyard I found myself in a little churchyard. A small church stood before me, an old stone building engaged in a valiant fight against the growing ivy and losing miserably. To the south was the town graveyard. A nervous young priest paced feverishly back and forth before the front steps of the church, his black cassock fluttering behind him. "Oh God, oh God, oh God," the priest was muttering. >x church If churches were intended to be a monument of worship to one's God, this one was a muttered prayer at best. "My first Mass is tomorrow, and I haven't practiced my transubstantiation..." the priest was muttering. >x ivy Whoever looked after the place had been slacking off. I approved! It added to the gothic atmosphere. "Where will I find my study materials?" the priest was muttering. >x priest He seemed a man haunted by many nights of frantic studying. I knew the feeling. "Oh God, why did the bartender have to go missing?" the priest was muttering. >talk to priest He didn't look up. I didn't think he even noticed me. How rude! "I'm going to flunk out of seminary!" the priest was muttering. >greet priest He didn't look up. I didn't think he even noticed me. How rude! If I wanted to catch his attention, it seemed like I'd need something more substantial than words. "They're going to run me out of town with torches and pitchforks!" the priest was muttering. >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list "My parents will be so disappointed!" the priest was muttering. >show grimoire to priest He didn't look up. I don't think he even noticed me. How rude! "Oh God, oh God, oh God," the priest was muttering. >l Churchyard I found myself in a little churchyard. A small church stood before me, an old stone building engaged in a valiant fight against the growing ivy and losing miserably. To the south was the town graveyard. A nervous young priest paced feverishly back and forth before the front steps of the church, his black cassock fluttering behind him. "My first Mass is tomorrow, and I haven't practiced my transubstantiation..." the priest was muttering. >in Considering the activities in which I was engaged, it was probably not the best idea to enter a church right about then. "Where will I find my study materials?" the priest was muttering. >give grimoire to priest No self-respecting evil scientist goes around giving gifts to people. Unless they get something out of it. "Oh God, why did the bartender have to go missing?" the priest was muttering. >give flyer to priest No self-respecting evil scientist goes around giving gifts to people. Unless they get something out of it. "I'm going to flunk out of seminary!" the priest was muttering. >s Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >w Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. >s Why should I wish to visit the town? There was nothing but ignorant villagers there! And probably a lot of torches and pitchforks, too. >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans (I think) sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. A rickety bar stool stood next to him. [ New general topic: Hans. ] [ New topics for Hans: himself, his name, the Torch and Pitchfork Society, the Society charter, the town, and the tavern. ] >x floor I had better things to do than look at the floor. My sights were set far higher! >x footprints There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x bootprints How uncivilized! >l Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. A rickety bar stool stood next to him. >x hans Hans was a tall, broad-shouldered man with blond hair, tanned skin, and biceps reminiscent of a tree trunk. He was quite handsome, in a rustic sort of way. He stared at his mug with the sort of mulish scowl normally found in particularly obstinate barn animals. >x mug Hans (I think) was nursing a mug of frothy beer. It was the color of amber, and much like amber it had little flecks of unidentified things floating in it. I resolved never to order the beer in that tavern. >take mug It didn't exactly seem appetizing. >x counter A bar counter full of mysterious stains. On the back wall I could see a row of bottles on a shelf. Looked like they'd run out of wine. >x stool A rickety little bar stool. Judging by the scrapes and notches in the wood, it had been a while since the the owner had redecorated. It wasn't in the best of shape, but it looked like it would hold my weight. >x bottles Looked like they'd run out of wine. >take stool The stool was too bulky to easily carry, but I could push it around if I wanted. >push stool e I pushed the bar stool out into the open air. Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >stand on stool As I began to climb onto the stool, a shout stopped me. "Please don't do that, sir!" yelled Hans from inside the tavern. I could see him watching me through the doorway with a scowl of intense concern. "You might fall and break your neck! You still need to sign the charter!" Bah! I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself! ...He did seem very concerned, though. I didn't want to worry him. >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >dig (the bloodstains) What? I couldn't dig that. >x bloodstains The blood was mine, actually. A bit of an accident with a scalpel. But the effect was the same! >l Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >stand on stool As I began to climb onto the stool, a shout stopped me. "Please don't do that, sir!" yelled Hans from inside the tavern. I could see him watching me through the doorway with a scowl of intense concern. "You might fall and break your neck! You still need to sign the charter!" Bah! I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself! ...He did seem very concerned, though. I didn't want to worry him. >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. >hans, west "I will not do your evil bidding, sir!" cried Hans with remarkable enthusiasm. >x beer Hans was nursing a mug of frothy beer. It was the color of amber, and much like amber it had little flecks of unidentified things floating in it. I resolved never to order the beer in that tavern. >x bottles Looked like they'd run out of wine. >search bottles Looked like they'd run out of wine. >l Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. >w As I made my way to the back of the bar, I spotted a familiar figure -- the shopkeeper who'd sold me the Grand Grimoire! The one whose shop had mysteriously vanished from one day to the next! She sat at a table, calmly swirling a glass of red wine in her hand. She spotted me approaching and greeted me with a small smile. "Hello, doctor. I hope that what you took from my shop brought you good fortune," she said. Her voice seemed to echo unnaturally throughout the room. "Because it's not our policy to do refunds." Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. [ New general topic: the Shopkeeper. ] [ New topics for Shopkeeper: herself, her name, her shop, the glass of wine, and the tavern. ] >x shopkeeper A woman of indeterminate age with a patchy green dress and a shock of curly hair. >x wine A large glass filled with blood-red wine. The Shopkeeper was taking her sweet time finishing it. >x dress It's this sort of homespun charm that separates independent mysterious shops from the soulless mysterious corporate retailers. >x list - summon the Devil ? - ask the Devil about the secret of creating life ? - obtain some demonic ink - find the blood of a divine being - find the eyes of a hunted beast - find the bone of an ancestor - find a source of divine radiance - find a loophole in the Devil's contract terms - get the contract signed - make a Deal with the Devil - laugh in the very face of God as I cross the boundary between life and death >x table A little table. One of its legs was too short, and the Shopkeeper kept getting thrown off balance as it wobbled. >push table I am a man of science! I would never lower myself to performing physical labor! Except when I really need to. >pull table I am a man of science! I would never lower myself to performing physical labor! Except when I really need to. >wobble table Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >stand on table Of course, I have more dignity than to go around getting on top of furniture in front of other people! Unless I'm drunk. Or have a very good reason. >take wine "Hey! I'm drinking that!" The Shopkeeper swatted my hand away. "I swear, mad scientists these days! No manners at all!" >greet shopkeeper The Shopkeeper inclined her head. >ask shopkeeper about grimoire "No refunds." >ask shopkeeper about devil "Oh, I'm afraid I can't help you with that sort of thing. While my shop carries all sorts of equipment for the demon summoning enthusiast, I don't actually dabble myself. Terrible customers, demons. They always try to get out of paying, and do you have any idea how hard it is to get the smell of sulfur out of the upholstery?" >ask shopkeeper about wine "This?" She swirled the wine in her glass. "It's not bad, actually. Much better than the beer. I'm glad I managed to order this before the bartender disappeared. By the way, are you interested in communion wine? We sell it at a discount -- guaranteed 100% genuine blood of Christ." A small smile. "As long as you can find the shop again, of course..." she added in a tone of voice that very much implied 'which you won't'. I pointed out that that this didn't seem like a particularly profitable business strategy. She shrugged. "Corporate mandates. You know how it is." [ New topic for Shopkeeper: communion. ] >ask shopkeeper about wine "This?" She swirled the wine in her glass. "It's not bad, actually. Much better than the beer. I'm glad I managed to order this before the bartender disappeared. By the way, are you interested in communion wine? We sell it at a discount -- guaranteed 100% genuine blood of Christ." A small smile. "As long as you can find the shop again, of course..." she added in a tone of voice that very much implied 'which you won't'. I pointed out that that this didn't seem like a particularly profitable business strategy. She shrugged. "Corporate mandates. You know how it is." >ask shopkeeper about communion "You know, transubstantiation -- the ancient ritual through which wine blessed by a Christian priest becomes the blood of Christ. And yes, it actually becomes blood. Not, like, symbolism or anything. (Well, unless the priest is a Protestant. They don't count.) No, I don't know how they do it either. Those Christians are a strange bunch, let me tell you." [ New topic for Shopkeeper: Christians. ] >* indeed (Noted.) >ask shopkeeper about christians "Oh, don't talk to me about that crowd." The Shopkeeper shook her head. "What a bunch of self-righteous bores. The last time I had an angel in my shop they blessed my entire shelf of cursed sigils. I had to throw out the whole bunch! Can you believe that?" >ask shopkeeper about angels "Oh, don't talk to me about that crowd." The Shopkeeper shook her head. "What a bunch of self-righteous bores. The last time I had an angel in my shop they blessed my entire shelf of cursed sigils. I had to throw out the whole bunch! Can you believe that?" >ask shopkeeper about priest "Oh, don't talk to me about that crowd." The Shopkeeper shook her head. "What a bunch of self-righteous bores. The last time I had an angel in my shop they blessed my entire shelf of cursed sigils. I had to throw out the whole bunch! Can you believe that?" >ask shopkeeper about herself "I am but an ordinary shopkeeper, of course," she answered with a small half-smile. "Nothing more, nothing less." >ask shopkeeper about name The Shopkeeper smiled. "I can't tell you, I'm afraid. I must remain shrouded in a veil of mystery. It's good for business, you see." >ask shopkeeper about shop "Don't expect to see it again. Once the shop is gone, you must carry what you took from it for the rest you your life." She took a sip of her wine and stared into the distance for a moment. "Also, do you have any idea what a pain it is to have to relocate every time you make a sale? No way I'm coming back for a single customer. Honestly, I need a vacation..." [ New topic for Shopkeeper: vacation. ] >ask shopkeeper about vacation The Shopkeeper shook her head disconsolately. "Oh, don't talk to me about that. Every night I dream of relaxing in a reclining beach chair around a pool. But I can't. Do you have any idea how little paid time off I get a year?" [ New topic for Shopkeeper: unionizing. ] >ask shopkeeper about unionizing The Shopkeeper leaned forward, interested. "You know, that's not a bad idea. I'll have to talk to that lady who owns that cursed doll shop the next town over..." [ New topic for Shopkeeper: the lady who owns the cursed doll shop. ] >ask shopkeeper about lady "I've been meaning to ask her out on a date," the Shopkeeper whispered. "Don't tell anyone." [ New topic for Shopkeeper: dating. ] >ask shopkeeper about dating "Wish me luck," the Shopkeeper said with a wink. >wish her luck Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >ask shopkeeper about table (the small wooden table) "I come here to drink once in a while. Not the rowdiest tavern, but that suits me just fine. And the bartender was a charming man -- at least when he was around. Shame about the beer." [ New topic for Shopkeeper: the bartender. ] [ New topic for Hans (I think): the bartender. ] >ask shopkeeper about bartender "All business owners must mysteriously vanish one day. Though it is strange that he left his tavern behind." >ask shopkeeper about beer "I come here to drink once in a while. Not the rowdiest tavern, but that suits me just fine. And the bartender was a charming man -- at least when he was around. Shame about the beer." >ask shopkeeper about hans "That man who came into my shop the other day?" She shook her head. "Nice lad. Not too bright. I tried to show him my wares but he didn't seem to believe anything I said." >ask shopkeeper about charter "I'm afraid such things must remain mysteries." >ask shopkeeper about contract "Oh, I'm afraid I can't help you with that sort of thing. While my shop carries all sorts of equipment for the demon summoning enthusiast, I don't actually dabble myself. Terrible customers, demons. They always try to get out of paying, and do you have any idea how hard it is to get the smell of sulfur out of the upholstery?" >ask shopkeeper about ink (the demonic ink) "I can't help you there -- I'm afraid we don't stock that. Though I do believe one of the books I carried contained a recipe." She inclined her head, frowning. "Now who did I sell that to...?" >ask shopkeeper about bone "I can't help you there -- I'm afraid we don't stock that. Have you checked the local graveyard? I'm sure they have a surplus." >ask shopkeeper about radiance (divine radiance) "I can't help you there -- I'm afraid we don't stock that. We do sell books on how to summon divine being, but I'm afraid they're currently out of stock." >ask shopkeeper about blood (the divine blood) "I can't help you there -- I'm afraid we don't stock that. We do sell books on how to summon divine being, but I'm afraid they're currently out of stock." >topics General topics: myself, the Devil, creating life, the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, banishing demons, Theophrastus the Wise, the Deal, the infernal contract, demonic ink, divine blood, divine radiance, ancestor's bone, eyes of a hunted beast, the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, the cenotaph of the Great Manini, Hans, and the Shopkeeper. I could also ask the Shopkeeper about: herself, her name, her shop, the glass of wine, the tavern, communion, Christians, vacation, unionizing, the lady who owns the cursed doll shop, dating, and the bartender. >ask shopkeeper about clare "I'm afraid such things must remain mysteries." It was very convenient that she could say that every time she didn't feel like answering a question. >ask shopkeeper about soldier "I'm afraid such things must remain mysteries." >ask shopkeeper about thomas "I'm afraid such things must remain mysteries." It was very convenient that she could say that every time she didn't feel like answering a question. >ask shopkeeper about manini "I'm afraid such things must remain mysteries." >ask shopkeeper about eye "I'm afraid such things must remain mysteries." It was very convenient that she could say that every time she didn't feel like answering a question. >e The Shopkeeper nodded to me as I left. Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. >w Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. >give flyer to shopkeeper The Shopkeeper nodded at me in greeting. I held out the infernal flyer. The Shopkeeper reached out to take the flyer -- then a pained look crossed her face, and she jerked her hand away. "Oh, don't you try and tempt me. I've used up all my paid time off for the year. I can't let anyone see me considering a vacation -- if it got back to management I'd be in trouble!" >save Ok. >e The Shopkeeper nodded to me as I left. Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans (I think) sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >* oops, probably shouldn't have that event fire while not in the nook (Noted.) >w Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >shopkeeper, east The Shopkeeper arched an eyebrow. "You do know that won't work on me, right?" >x corner There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x light There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >e Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, staring into a mug of beer as if it held the secrets of the universe. >x hans Hans (I think) was a tall, broad-shouldered man with blond hair, tanned skin, and biceps reminiscent of a tree trunk. He was quite handsome, in a rustic sort of way. He stared at his mug with the sort of mulish scowl normally found in particularly obstinate barn animals. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >greet hans Hans looked up from his beer, and his scowl brightened a little. "Oh, hello, sir! Glad you could make it. Here, sit down if you want." He made to gesture at the stool and frowned when he noticed it wasn't there. "Or, er, just stand there, I guess. Have you come to discuss the charter, or do you just want to chat?" The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about himself Hans' scowl brightened. "Oh, you know, sir, the usual troubles. Work, love, crazy doctors robbing my ancestors' graves, that sort of thing. You know how it is." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... [ New topics for Hans: work, love, crazy doctors, and graverobbing. ] >ask hans about ancestors "My family has lived in this town for generations, sir." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about work "You know how it is, sir. One toils in the fields all day, barely any free time to see their friends and go wave torches and pitchforks at people..." He looked up at me, grinning. "But we find the time, sir. Wouldn't do to leave you hanging, would it?" The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about society (the Torch and Pitchfork Society) Hans' scowl brightened. "Oh, the Society! It's my labor of love, sir. There is nothing better than gathering a few friends to go wave torches and pitchforks at someone. I really should thank you for coming to our town. Our lives would be so much duller if you hadn't." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about charter "I don't really know much about this stuff. All these legal documents look the same to me," Hans admitted. "But I'm sure it will solve all our disputes! Just give that to me once you've signed it." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >* there's a real symbiosis here, it's lovely to see (Noted.) >* lol thanks for the prod but yeah, I'd figured that out (Noted.) >ask hans about shopkeeper "That lady in the back? I've been to her shop. Bunch of woo nonsense, if you ask me." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about eyes (eyes of a hunted beast) Hans frowned in confusion. "I wouldn't know anything about that, sir." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about hunting I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about love "You know how it is, sir. What's a man got to do to find himself a date? One works all day, hoping to meet someone nice, and the lads don't ever give him the time of day." He frowned. "Er, I mean the ladies, of course." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... [ New topics for Hans (I think): lads, ladies, and dating. ] >ask hans about lads "I love hanging out with my mates. Platonically, of course." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about ladies "I like the ladies, of course. Like any good lad does. They're so lovely and..." Hans seemed to grope for the correct word like a man in a pitch black room, "...feminine." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about dating Hans looked up. "Are you asking me out, sir?" >yes He blushed. "Oh! Well, that's very nice of you, sir!" He seemed unable to hide his grin. It made his face light up like a sunny day. "I'm free next weekend, Society-related emergencies excepting!" Well, perhaps I could refrain from causing Society-related emergencies for just a couple of days... The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about blood (the divine blood) Hans frowned in confusion. "I wouldn't know anything about that, sir." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about radiance (divine radiance) Hans (I think) frowned in confusion. "I wouldn't know anything about that, sir." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about bone Hans frowned in confusion. "I wouldn't know anything about that, sir." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about clare Hans' eyes lit up. "Ah, yes, that's my great-grandmother! I grew up hearing so many tales about her! One day she went out to fight a bear with her, uh, bare hands, no pun intended. She returned triumphant with the bear's corpse in tow, walked into this tavern and got so drunk she died of alcohol poisoning! Since then, the bear's head has been displayed above the tavern door in her honor." >* ding ding (Noted.) >ask hans about soldier "Oh, I remember my uncle telling me about this. It's the tomb of some random soldier who wandered into town, got drunk, started a bar fight, and got stabbed by the local blacksmith. They never got his name. His last words were, 'My only regret is insulting that blacksmith's mustache. And also never having children.'" The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about manini "Yeah, I've heard stories about that guy. He was some sort of magician, or so he claimed. Apparently he was really famous and drew crowds wherever he went. Can't say I get the appeal." Hans (I think) shrugged. "Well, he was performing at this tavern and tried to pull a vanishing trick after drinking too much liquor, and he was never seen again. So I guess he wasn't that great after all. There was some sort of fight about what to do with his fortune, since he didn't have any heirs, so it all ended up going into that cenph -- cenoph -- that monument you saw." >ask hans about mound Hans' eyes lit up. "Ah, yes, that's my great-grandmother! I grew up hearing so many tales about her! One day she went out to fight a bear with her, uh, bare hands, no pun intended. She returned triumphant with the bear's corpse in tow, walked into this tavern and got so drunk she died of alcohol poisoning! Since then, the bear's head has been displayed above the tavern door in her honor." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >topics General topics: myself, the Devil, creating life, the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, banishing demons, Theophrastus the Wise, the Deal, the infernal contract, demonic ink, divine blood, divine radiance, ancestor's bone, eyes of a hunted beast, the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, the cenotaph of the Great Manini, Hans, and the Shopkeeper. I could also ask Hans about: himself, his name, the Torch and Pitchfork Society, the Society charter, the town, the tavern, the bartender, work, love, crazy doctors, graverobbing, lads, ladies, and dating. >ask hans about thomas "Ah, yes, I've heard of him. He was a kind, loving man with some unfortunate hobbies and a tendency to practice them after coming home drunk from this tavern. My gran always said it was a shame he could never have children after... the accident." >ask hans about myself "We won't let your evil plans come to fruition, sir!" cried Hans with commendable enthusiasm. >ask hans about hans Hans' scowl brightened. "Oh, you know, sir, the usual troubles. Work, love, crazy doctors robbing my ancestors' graves, that sort of thing. You know how it is." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about devil Hans frowned. "I don't really know much about that. People tell me to read the Bible, but, well, I can't read." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about bible Hans frowned. "I don't really know much about that. People tell me to read the Bible, but, well, I can't read." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about graverobbing "Well, now that you bring it up I reckon it doesn't make too much of a difference to me. Or to my ancestors. They're too dead to care, the way I see it." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about name Hans scowled sadly. "You don't remember my name? Really?" He looked at his mug, downcast. "It's just... I thought that after all this time threatening you with torches and pitchforks..." I quickly reassured Hans (probably) that of course I remembered his name -- it had just been a lapse of memory. (As if a genius like me could ever experience such a thing!) The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about town "Not much happens around here. Between your experiments and the Society's meetings, you've actually livened up the place quite a bit! And that old manor! It's been in ruins forever, and now look at it! So full of life! Or, er, whatever it is you're making in there." He grinned at me. "Honestly, it's the most exciting thing that's happened to us in recent years!" >ask hans about tavern "How are you liking our town's tavern, sir? it's not the most exciting place, but the beer's good." He stared down into his mug for a moment. "Well, it's acceptable." He stared a bit more. "Well, at least the bartender's fun to be around. When he's around." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >ask hans about bartender Hans (I think) shrugged. "Last I heard he went to check something in the back, sir. We'll give it a few hours then organize a search party." >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >e "Good evening to you, sir!" shouted Hans as I left. "Please let me know about the charter!" Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >e Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >dig clare At last, someone I knew had descendants! With my extensive experience in robbing graves, it didn't take me long to dig up an old tibia. >x tibia An old, brittle tibia belonging to Hans' great-grandmother. Normally I preferred my materials fresh, but I'd have to make do. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >x grimoire A large tome with brittle pages, bound in aged leather that I'd been assured was genuine human skin but when tested in my lab turned out to be sheepskin. I'd gone to demand a refund only to discover that the shop had vanished into thin air and no one remembered it ever existing. Mysterious shopkeepers these days! But no matter. For what the exterior lacked in panache, the contents more than made up for: the book carefully detailed all the knowledge mankind had gathered of Hell, demons, and other infernal matters. And, most importantly, the knowledge I was after: the secret to summoning, controlling, and banishing demons. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >read ink There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >look up ink (the demonic ink) Grandma's authentic demonic ink recipe I still remember ye carefree summer days of mine youthe, whenne my grandmother woulde watch over me at her summer hut. In between brewing potions & tormenting wytch-hunters, she woulde always take time to see to mine education. "Remember, Theophrastus," she woulde tell me, bent over her cauldron. "Whenne signing infernal contracts, there is nothing better than demonic ink. Why, when I was thine age, the Devil themself gave me this ...This went on for several pages. I skipped to the list of ingredients. - 1 or 2 cups of the blood of a divine being (preferably fresh) - 1 bone of an ancestor (aged at least ten years) - 2 eyes of a hunted beast - a source of divine radiance, to taste DIP ye ingredients in the blood, then waite for the mixture to settle. >w Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >e Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >x stool A rickety little bar stool. Judging by the scrapes and notches in the wood, it had been a while since the the owner had redecorated. It wasn't in the best of shape, but it looked like it would hold my weight. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >stand on stool As I began to climb onto the stool, a shout stopped me. "Please don't do that, sir!" yelled Hans from inside the tavern. I could see him watching me through the doorway with a scowl of intense concern. "You might fall and break your neck! You still need to sign the charter! And go on that date!" Bah! I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself! ...He did seem very concerned, though. I didn't want to worry him. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans (I think) sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >hans, west "I will not do your evil bidding, sir!" cried Hans with remarkable enthusiasm. "Er, excepting very specific circumstances to be discussed at a later date." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... [ New topic for Hans: specific circumstances. ] >ask about specific "And a good evening to you too, sir," said Hans, frowning happily at me. "How are the experiments coming along?" I asked my question. Hans blushed. "You know what I mean, sir." >w "Good evening to you, sir!" shouted Hans as I left. "Please let me know about the charter!" Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >w I was trying to stop walking into walls all the time. My efforts to create a cure for concussions had all been for naught! >n I was trying to stop walking into walls all the time. My efforts to create a cure for concussions had all been for naught! The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >s I was trying to stop walking into walls all the time. My efforts to create a cure for concussions had all been for naught! The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >x shadows There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x table A little table. One of its legs was too short, and the Shopkeeper kept getting thrown off balance as it wobbled. >push table I am a man of science! I would never lower myself to performing physical labor! Except when I really need to. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >i In my lab coat I was carrying: a bone of Clare the hunter an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >talk to shopkeeper The Shopkeeper nodded at me in greeting. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >topics General topics: myself, the Devil, creating life, the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, banishing demons, Theophrastus the Wise, the Deal, the infernal contract, demonic ink, divine blood, divine radiance, ancestor's bone, eyes of a hunted beast, the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, the cenotaph of the Great Manini, Hans, and the Shopkeeper. I could also ask the Shopkeeper about: herself, her name, her shop, the glass of wine, the tavern, communion, Christians, vacation, unionizing, the lady who owns the cursed doll shop, dating, and the bartender. >ask her about unionizing (the Shopkeeper about unionizing) The Shopkeeper leaned forward, interested. "You know, that's not a bad idea. I'll have to talk to that lady who owns that cursed doll shop the next town over..." The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >e The Shopkeeper nodded to me as I left. Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >e Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >e Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >n Churchyard I found myself in a little churchyard. A small church stood before me, an old stone building engaged in a valiant fight against the growing ivy and losing miserably. To the south was the town graveyard. A nervous young priest paced feverishly back and forth before the front steps of the church, his black cassock fluttering behind him. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... "They're going to run me out of town with torches and pitchforks!" the priest was muttering. >tell priest about commnion I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... "My parents will be so disappointed!" the priest was muttering. >tell priest about communion He didn't look up. I don't think he even noticed me. How rude! "Oh God, oh God, oh God," the priest was muttering. >i In my lab coat I was carrying: a bone of Clare the hunter an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel an infernal flyer the Grand Grimoire a to-do list The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... "My first Mass is tomorrow, and I haven't practiced my transubstantiation..." the priest was muttering. >* I guess give the wine to him? (Noted.) >s Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >w Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >w Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. >take wine "Hey! I'm drinking that!" The Shopkeeper swatted my hand away. "I swear, mad scientists these days! No manners at all!" The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >give pamphlet (to the Shopkeeper) The Shopkeeper nodded at me in greeting. I held out the infernal flyer. The Shopkeeper reached out to take the flyer -- then a pained look crossed her face, and she jerked her hand away. "Oh, don't you try and tempt me. I've used up all my paid time off for the year. I can't let anyone see me considering a vacation -- if it got back to management I'd be in trouble!" The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >* seems pretty quiet back here (Noted.) >n I was trying to stop walking into walls all the time. My efforts to create a cure for concussions had all been for naught! The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >l Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet in my hands -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. She seemed hesitant to show interest in it while someone could see her.... >drop pamphlet I surreptitiously dropped the flyer on the floor next to the Shopkeeper, who glanced at it -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. >take wine "Hey! I'm drinking that!" The Shopkeeper swatted my hand away. "I swear, mad scientists these days! No manners at all!" >z I stood around idle for a few seconds. Bah! This was getting me nowhere! The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet nearby -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. >z I stood around idle for a few seconds. Bah! This was getting me nowhere! >z I stood around idle for a few seconds. Bah! This was getting me nowhere! The Shopkeeper furtively glanced at the pamphlet nearby -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. >take pamphlet The infernal flyer was mine! All mine! >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal flyer a bone of Clare the hunter an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >reaad list Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >read list - summon the Devil ? - ask the Devil about the secret of creating life ? - obtain some demonic ink - find the blood of a divine being - find the eyes of a hunted beast - find the bone of an ancestor ? - find a source of divine radiance - find a loophole in the Devil's contract terms - get the contract signed - make a Deal with the Devil - laugh in the very face of God as I cross the boundary between life and death >e The Shopkeeper nodded to me as I left. Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans (I think) sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >e Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >s Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >e I preferred to stick to the road, thanks. My sense of direction was terrible! >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >s Why should I wish to visit the town? There was nothing but ignorant villagers there! And probably a lot of torches and pitchforks, too. >x head The stuffed bear's head hung above the doorway, watching visitors with glassy eyes -- a grim welcome into an establishment that utterly failed to live up to it. It was a real animal's head, hung there a hundred years ago by some hunter who thought this was an achievement to boast about. How barbaric! Everyone knows that dead bears are best reanimated into undead abominations and released upon unsuspecting villagers! >x stool A rickety little bar stool. Judging by the scrapes and notches in the wood, it had been a while since the the owner had redecorated. It wasn't in the best of shape, but it looked like it would hold my weight. >climb stool As I began to climb onto the stool, a shout stopped me. "Please don't do that, sir!" yelled Hans from inside the tavern. I could see him watching me through the doorway with a scowl of intense concern. "You might fall and break your neck! You still need to sign the charter! And go on that date!" Bah! I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself! ...He did seem very concerned, though. I didn't want to worry him. >close door I closed the rustic wooden door. >climb stool Carefully, I stood onto the stool. It wobbled worryingly, but held my weight. >* dug (Noted.) >* duh (Noted.) >x eyes The bear looked down at me with glassy eyes. It was a little creepy, actually! >take eyes I tried to remove the eyes, but they were firmly lodged in the beast's eye sockets, and I couldn't quite get a good grip on the glass with just my fingers. I'd need something to pry them out. >i In my lab coat I was carrying: an infernal flyer a bone of Clare the hunter an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >pry eyes with pen Don't be ridiculous! >pry eyes I tried to remove the eyes, but they were firmly lodged in the beast's eye sockets, and I couldn't quite get a good grip on the glass with just my fingers. I'd need something to pry them out. >pry eyes with shovel Don't be ridiculous! >* hmm (Noted.) >pry (the bloodstains) I'd have needed to remove those from the lab coat. Which didn't seem worth the effort! Or even possible at all! >pry eyes I tried to remove the eyes, but they were firmly lodged in the beast's eye sockets, and I couldn't quite get a good grip on the glass with just my fingers. I'd need something to pry them out. >get eyes with pen I only understood you as far as wanting to get the bear's eyes. >d Carefully, I got down from the stool. It was a relief to have solid ground under my feet again -- not that I'd been worried, of course! >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >x sheets Bah! What interest had I in such banal things as home decor? Flickering green lights and bloodstained slabs were a much better look. >d "Oh good, you're back," said the Devil, a little testily. "There's not much to do here, stuck in this circle, you know." Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x desk My desk! Oh, how many hours I'd spent there, poring over books, scribbling notes, tearing out my hair as I worked and worked to understand the secret of creating life from nothing! Soon, though, soon all my efforts will be rewarded! Scattered all over the desk was a jumble of notes and papers. In the middle of that mess was my inkwell. Red ooze seemed to be leaking from the drawer. >x clock It was almost seven. Maybe waiting for midnight would have been more appropriate, but my schedule was packed! >open drawer Right! The desk drawer! I'd left an old experiment in there. I was a little nervous about opening it, actually! >g I hesitated for a moment. Was that really a good idea? The Devil carefully inspected their nails. >g There was still time to back out! >g Bracing myself, I opened the drawer... To find it empty. Looked like the experiment had escaped. Not again! >x drawer Right! The desk drawer! There was nothing inside except for more of that strange red ooze. I really needed to clean that! >x ooze Concerning! >clean drawer That was probably not a good idea! The Devil paced back and forth with restless energy. >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x shelves My collection of bubbling liquids was very carefully arranged. >ask devil about blood (the divine blood) "Divine blood?" The Devil smiled a vicious smile "Well, we know one way to get some. Care to guess?" I could, but it seemed much too violent for my tastes. I do have standards, you know. >ask devil about radiance (divine radiance) "Divine radiance?" The Devil narrowed their eyes, drawing their wings closer to their back. "Why would you think we know anything about that?" >x radiance Soft light shone from the Devil's wings. >take feather An interesting proposition! Unfortunately, I couldn't just reach out and take a feather -- reaching into an active summoning circle would have flung me into the deepest pits of Hell. And I wouldn't be here telling this story if I had been, would I? >devil, take feather With a slight grimace, the Devil plucked a shining feather from their wing, glaring at me all the while. >devil, throw feather Glowering at me, the Devil flicked the feather towards me. I caught it in my hand. >x list - summon the Devil ? - ask the Devil about the secret of creating life ? - obtain some demonic ink - find the blood of a divine being - find the eyes of a hunted beast - find the bone of an ancestor ? - find a source of divine radiance ? - find a loophole in the Devil's contract terms - get the contract signed - make a Deal with the Devil - laugh in the very face of God as I cross the boundary between life and death >save Ok. >x contract The contract looked disappointingly like every other legal document I'd ever seen. I, the undersigned, hereby certify that I am the lawful owner of my immortal soul and have the authority to sell it. I certify that this soul is free and clear of all liens, security agreements, encumbrances, claims, demands and charges. I do hereby grant, sell and transfer full ownership of this soul to the buyer, subject to the limitations described in art. 13 of Hell Regulation 1469/679. The Devil's signature, a complicated twisting wiggle, was on the bottom. A line below indicated where the seller should sign. >look up regulation I had no interest in researching the subject. That, or I wasn't sure what you're talking about. >sell soul Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x blood (the bloodstains) The blood was mine, actually. A bit of an accident with a scalpel. But the effect was the same! >x devil A tall, otherworldly being in a flowing white robe stood like a statue inside the circle, projecting an almost eerie sense of stillness. Large white wings spread out behind them, their feathers resplendent with ethereal light. They stared placidly down at me with bright yellow eyes, almost as if they were sitting on their infernal throne instead of trapped inside a circle in a dusty corner of my lab. >ask devil about blood (the divine blood) "Divine blood?" The Devil smiled a vicious smile "Well, we know one way to get some. Care to guess?" I could, but it seemed much too violent for my tastes. I do have standards, you know. >* hmm (Noted.) >i In my lab coat I was carrying: a Devil's feather an infernal flyer a bone of Clare the hunter an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >devil, cut yourself Well, now! That may have been a way to get the blood of a divine being, but it seemed rather cruel, didn't it? I may be evil, but I do have standards. No. I'd have to find a different way to get what I needed. >* Oh wait transubstantiation (Noted.) >* just need to get the flyer to the shopkeeper, and figure out how the pry the eyes (Noted.) >take all There was nothing to take! >n I was trying to stop walking into walls all the time. My efforts to create a cure for concussions had all been for naught! >u "Oh, fine, just leave us here to rot! We'll see who's laughing once your soul is finally ours!" Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >x ornaments Bah! What interest had I in such banal things as home decor? Flickering green lights and bloodstained slabs were a much better look. >x windows I could see little through the dusty panes except for faint light and the silhouettes of the distant trees. >s Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >search weeds Whoever looked after the place had been slacking off. I approved! It added to the gothic atmosphere. >x manor A dilapidated building, abandoned for decades before I took up residence. My additions were nothing if not an improvement! >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >e Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >dig tomb I'd already found an ancestor's bone, and I needed nothing else from there. I preferred my materials fresh! >dig grave I'd already found an ancestor's bone, and I needed nothing else from there. I preferred my materials fresh! >search weeds Whoever looked after the place had been slacking off. I approved! It added to the gothic atmosphere. >n Churchyard I found myself in a little churchyard. A small church stood before me, an old stone building engaged in a valiant fight against the growing ivy and losing miserably. To the south was the town graveyard. A nervous young priest paced feverishly back and forth before the front steps of the church, his black cassock fluttering behind him. "Where will I find my study materials?" the priest was muttering. >s Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >w Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >w (first opening the rustic wooden door) Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >w Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. >shopkeeper, hide The Shopkeeper arched an eyebrow. "You do know that won't work on me, right?" >hide Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >x smoke It was the same thin mist that hung in the dark recesses of the mysterious shop. Seems like she was contractually obligated to have it around. >x dark There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >take all glass of red wine: "Hey! I'm drinking that!" The Shopkeeper swatted my hand away. "I swear, mad scientists these days! No manners at all!" >e Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >take all There was nothing to take! >e Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >take all There was nothing to take! >e Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >take all There was nothing to take! >n Churchyard I found myself in a little churchyard. A small church stood before me, an old stone building engaged in a valiant fight against the growing ivy and losing miserably. To the south was the town graveyard. A nervous young priest paced feverishly back and forth before the front steps of the church, his black cassock fluttering behind him. "Oh God, why did the bartender have to go missing?" the priest was muttering. >take all There was nothing to take! >s Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >w Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >take all There was nothing to take! >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >take all There was nothing to take! >d "Oh good, you're back," said the Devil, a little testily. "There's not much to do here, stuck in this circle, you know." Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >take all There was nothing to take! >x desk My desk! Oh, how many hours I'd spent there, poring over books, scribbling notes, tearing out my hair as I worked and worked to understand the secret of creating life from nothing! Soon, though, soon all my efforts will be rewarded! Scattered all over the desk was a jumble of notes and papers. In the middle of that mess was my inkwell. Red ooze seemed to be leaking from the drawer. >x notes Covered in scribbles, the result of long nights of frantic study. Ah, how I toiled over it all, blind to the truth! But those days were now past! >read notes I'd spent so much time poring over them I already knew them by heart. Which was a good thing! It had been long enough that I didn't think I could have deciphered my handwriting any more. >u "Oh, fine, just leave us here to rot! We'll see who's laughing once your soul is finally ours!" Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >s Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >s Why should I wish to visit the town? There was nothing but ignorant villagers there! And probably a lot of torches and pitchforks, too. >* guess I'll go for some hints (Noted.) >hint Type a number to choose a topic: 1) Where can I find the blood of a divine being? 2) How do I get the wine from the Shopkeeper? 3) Where can I find the eyes of a hunted beast? >2 How do I get the wine from the Shopkeeper? (Type H for the next hint, or anything else to cancel.) (1/8) She won't let you take it, so you'll need to distract her. (2/8) Have you talked to her about her shop? (3/8) About vacations? (4/8) Do you have anything related to that? (5/8) Have you talked to the Devil about the available topics? (6/8) If you ask the Devil about Hell, they'll give you a flyer. (7/8) However, the Shopkeeper will refuse to look at it while someone can see her. (8/8) Try dropping the flyer in the room with her, then leaving. Once you return, she'll be distracted. >* oh lol I already solved it (Noted.) >* didn't realize "someone" was me (Noted.) >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >w Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table, sipping a glass of red wine. >drop flyer I surreptitiously dropped the flyer on the floor next to the Shopkeeper, who glanced at it -- then looked up at me and tore her gaze away. >e Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >w Back of the Tavern The light of the tavern's hall barely seemed to reach the small, dark corner at the back. Smoke hung in the air despite the lack of any perceptible source. A good place to get away from roving eyes, had there been any. The hall continued to the east. The Shopkeeper sat at a small wooden table. She had picked up the flyer I'd left behind and was squinting at it, completely engrossed. The glass of red wine lay unattended on the table. >take wine The Shopkeeper was too engrossed in the pamphlet to notice me repossessing her wine. As always, my genius stunned even me! >e Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >e Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >e Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >n Churchyard I found myself in a little churchyard. A small church stood before me, an old stone building engaged in a valiant fight against the growing ivy and losing miserably. To the south was the town graveyard. A nervous young priest paced feverishly back and forth before the front steps of the church, his black cassock fluttering behind him. "I'm going to flunk out of seminary!" the priest was muttering. >give wine (to the nervous young priest) The young priest's eyes lit up as he took the glass from me. "Oh, thank you, thank you!" he cried in a quivering voice. "Here, let me try..." He held an unsteady hand over the wine, intoning a mystical chant: "Duo, quattuor, sex, octo, tempus est transsubstantiare..." For a moment, he looked down at it worriedly... Then he beamed in teary relief. "Thank the Lord, it worked! Here" -- he shoved the glass of what was now consecrated wine back into my hands -- "thank you very much! Now I just need to finish memorizing all the Hymns..." He scrambled back into the church, muttering, "Magnificat anima mea Domina..." >drink wine I had far more ambitious designs for this wine! >s Graveyard A little town graveyard, now in disuse. Slabs of old, weathered stone rose from the tangle of weeds and ivy. Before me lay such varied sights as: the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, and the cenotaph of the Great Manini. A dirt path led back west to the main road. In the shadows to the north loomed a small church. >w Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >hint Type a number to choose a topic: 1) Where can I find the eyes of a hunted beast? >1 Where can I find the eyes of a hunted beast? (Type H for the next hint, or anything else to cancel.) (1/10) Have you seen an animal that fits the bill? (2/10) There's the bear's head outside the tavern. But it's too far up -- you can't reach it without aid. (3/10) Aid such as the bar stool in the tavern. (4/10) You can push the stool east and stand on it to reach the eyes. (5/10) However, Hans will stop you when he sees you trying to stand on the stool. How can you prevent him from interfering? (6/10) Is there any way you could prevent him from seeing you? (7/10) If you close the door, you can get on the stool. (8/10) But you can't take the eyes with your bare hands. You need something to help you pry them out. (9/10) Have you examined the failed experiment in the lab? >* Oh I couldn't figure out how to X it (Noted.) >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >n I had no interest in the other rooms of the house. I barely spent any time there. Why should I, when all I needed was in my lab? >d "Oh good, you're back," said the Devil, a little testily. "There's not much to do here, stuck in this circle, you know." Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >x table A bloodstained operating table hooked up to my machinery and activated by the lever nearby. Upon it lay my latest disappointment. I'd been too demoralized to even clean it up. Ah, but soon... The Devil whistled a tune I'd never heard before. >x disappointment There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x body There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x experiment Bah, don't even make me think about it! Nothing more than inert, unthinking flesh, a ruined canvas unfit for my art! Any fool can reanimate a body and have it shamble into town to terrorize the villagers, but to do more, to imbue it with true life? What I sought was far greater. ...Oh, wait, there was my favorite scalpel. I'd left it embedded in its chest. So that was where that went. The Devil inspected my runes with the air of a disappointed schoolteacher. >* Oh, I see -- that could have been cued better (Noted.) >pull lever With a half-hearted "it's alive", I pulled the lever. Lightning arced over the table, flooding the lab with cool blue light. As shadows danced on the wall, the body convulsed once, twice, sat up, then fell back onto the slab with nary a sign of sapience. The Devil clapped. "That was a nice light show! We don't have those down in Hell!" >* Yeah BODY didn't work either (Noted.) >x scalpel My scalpel! A little rusty, and I could have done a better job cleaning off the blood after the last experiment, but it still worked just as new. >take it The scalpel was mine! All mine! >n I was trying to stop walking into walls all the time. My efforts to create a cure for concussions had all been for naught! >u "Oh, fine, just leave us here to rot! We'll see who's laughing once your soul is finally ours!" Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >s Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with glassy eyes. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >s Why should I wish to visit the town? There was nothing but ignorant villagers there! And probably a lot of torches and pitchforks, too. >close door I closed the rustic wooden door. >climb stool Carefully, I stood onto the stool. It wobbled worryingly, but held my weight. >pry eyes The poor bear's glass eyes were firmly lodged in its eye sockets, but using my scalpel for leverage I managed to pry them out. Victorious, I held the severed eyes in my palm! Thinking back on it, it was a little creepy, actually. >read recipe There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >look up recipe Grandma's authentic demonic ink recipe I still remember ye carefree summer days of mine youthe, whenne my grandmother woulde watch over me at her summer hut. In between brewing potions & tormenting wytch-hunters, she woulde always take time to see to mine education. "Remember, Theophrastus," she woulde tell me, bent over her cauldron. "Whenne signing infernal contracts, there is nothing better than demonic ink. Why, when I was thine age, the Devil themself gave me this ...This went on for several pages. I skipped to the list of ingredients. - 1 or 2 cups of the blood of a divine being (preferably fresh) - 1 bone of an ancestor (aged at least ten years) - 2 eyes of a hunted beast - a source of divine radiance, to taste DIP ye ingredients in the blood, then waite for the mixture to settle. >i In my lab coat I was carrying: the bear's eyes a scalpel a glass of consecrated wine a Devil's feather a bone of Clare the hunter an infernal dip pen the infernal contract the Society charter a shovel the Grand Grimoire a to-do list >dip bone in wine I dipped the bone into the wine. (The recipe hadn't specified whose ancestor the bone had to come from, had it?) As soon as it touched the surface it began to crumble into dust. The wine grew cold in my hand, until holding it felt like touching a cube of ice. Pitch black smoke poured out of the glass. >dip eyes in wine I dipped the eyes into the wine. (Glass eyes still counted as eyes, right? It was right there in the name!) As soon as they touched the surface they began to melt into bubbling white liquid. The wine grew hot in my hand, until holding it felt like touching a hot stove. Blood red smoke poured out of the glass. >dip feather in wine I dipped the feather into the wine. (The Devil had been an angel once, hadn't they? Surely it still counted as divine radiance!) As soon as it touched the surface it began to evaporate into motes of bright light. The wine grew light in my hand, until it felt as if I were holding only air in my hand. Shimmering white smoke poured out of the glass. And then the red liquid -- it wasn't wine, not anymore -- began to darken. It started with a spot on the surface; then it began to spread like an expanding cloud, slowly, steadily, until the entire glass was filled with pitch black fluid. I looked deeply into the glass, and it was like staring into a hole in the fabric of the universe. So this was demonic ink. How interesting! >dip pen in ink At long last, I dipped the pen into the glass of demonic ink! Now I could use it to write! ...For such a momentous occasion, it was a little anti-climactic, really. >d Carefully, I got down from the stool. It was a relief to have solid ground under my feet again -- not that I'd been worried, of course! >w (first opening the rustic wooden door) Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >give pen to hans No self-respecting evil scientist goes around giving gifts to people. Unless they get something out of it. >give contract to hans "And a good evening to you too, sir," said Hans, frowning happily at me. "Are you all right, sir? That blood on your coat looks like it came from a nasty cut." I held out the infernal contract. "Oh, the charter!" Hans peered at the words on the infernal contract as if confronted with algebraic geometry. "I see you've signed it! Here, I'll just --" He reached for the contract, but quickly I snatched it away. If he were to sign that paper, he'd forever forfeit his soul to the Devil. I couldn't let that happen -- I may be an evil scientist, but even I have my limits! I'd need to find some sort of loophole first! "Oh," Hans said, crestfallen. "Please give me the charter when you're ready, sir." >read contract The contract looked disappointingly like every other legal document I'd ever seen. I, the undersigned, hereby certify that I am the lawful owner of my immortal soul and have the authority to sell it. I certify that this soul is free and clear of all liens, security agreements, encumbrances, claims, demands and charges. I do hereby grant, sell and transfer full ownership of this soul to the buyer, subject to the limitations described in art. 13 of Hell Regulation 1469/679. The Devil's signature, a complicated twisting wiggle, was on the bottom. A line below indicated where the seller should sign. >look up souls Ye demon may trye to compel thee to visit their accurfed domaine, citing its balmy weather, stunning eldritch architecture & interesting companye, but truft notte their devilish wyles! >look up exceptions I had no interest in researching the subject. That, or I wasn't sure what you're talking about. >e "Good evening to you, sir!" shouted Hans as I left. "Please let me know about the charter!" Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with empty eye sockets. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >n I had no interest in the other rooms of the house. I barely spent any time there. Why should I, when all I needed was in my lab? >n I had no interest in the other rooms of the house. I barely spent any time there. Why should I, when all I needed was in my lab? >d "Oh good, you're back," said the Devil, a little testily. "There's not much to do here, stuck in this circle, you know." Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >talk to devil The Devil waved their hand. "Yes, yes. What else do you need?" >topics General topics: myself, the Devil, creating life, the Grand Grimoire, summoning demons, controlling demons, banishing demons, Theophrastus the Wise, the Deal, the infernal contract, demonic ink, divine blood, divine radiance, ancestor's bone, eyes of a hunted beast, the grave of Thomas the Unhandy, the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the burial mound of Clare the hunter, the cenotaph of the Great Manini, Hans, and the Shopkeeper. I could also ask the Devil about: themself, Hell, their gender, their dry-cleaning bill, the summoning circle, humanity, the collections agency, and "subject to limitations". >ask him about subject to limitation I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask him about subject to limitations I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. The Devil brainstormed torture ideas beneath their breath. >ask him about limitations I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask him about "subject to limitations" I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask him about contract I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. The Devil sighed very loudly, then surreptitiously checked to see if I'd reacted. >ask devil about contract "We have told you our terms, Dr Ludwig. It is up to you to accept them. Return that contract with a signature on it -- or, actually, just an X will do, the collections agency will know how to find you -- and the knowledge will be yours." >* oh weird (Noted.) >ask devil about subject I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about lmitations I had no interest in the subject. Or, if I did, I couldn't think of a suitable question. >ask devil about limitations "Nothing you need to worry about," said the Devil with a sharp smile. "Our legal department works night and day to ensure that our contracts are perfectly watertight, for the peace of mind of both us and our client." >ask devil about limitations "Nothing you need to worry about," said the Devil with a sharp smile. "Our legal department works night and day to ensure that our contracts are perfectly watertight, for the peace of mind of both us and our client." >look up limitations Now comes the tricky parte: making a Deal. Ye demon will trye to beguile thee, but do notte lette thyself be deceiv'd. Consider the terms carefully, keep thy head on straighte & thou wilt come outte victorious. Always be on the look-outte for loopholes! The demon may be cunning, but thou hast the power of thy summoning spelle on thy side! Remember: ye demon MUFT abide by the terms of any contracte they sign! (Editor's note: Ye author is notte refponsible for any damages caufed by making an ille-conceived deal.) >x loopholes There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >devil, tell me about loopholes The Devil smiled, stepping towards me as far as the circle would let them. "Ooh, you're a clever one, aren't you, Dr Ludwig? We're impressed." They laughed, a low, dark giggle that echoed throughout the room. "Of course there's a loophole. There always is. You see, according to art. 13 of Hell Regulation 1469/679 we can only act on a soul if we've already got our claws in it. Celestial legislation and all that, you know... Well! The point is, we can only take a soul if they believe in Heaven and Hell. Only the most devout for us!" They leaned forward. Their white smile grew wider, sharper. "But that's the beauty of it. Of course any soul we deal with believes in us! How could they even talk to us if they didn't? Can you deny our existence, Dr Ludwig, when we stand here before your very eyes?" They laughed. "So there. There's your loophole! Have fun with it!" [ New general topic: belief. ] >ask devil about belief The Devil leaned forward, gracing me with a razor-sharp smile. "Are you asking us if we believe in ourselves, Dr Ludwig?" They laughed. "Or if we believe in God? Of course we don't. An entirely unreliable fellow, they are." [ New topic for Devil: God. ] >ask devil about god The Devil huffed. "We will thank you not to mention anything divine in our presence. Would you believe that the Lord lost a bet to me in 1530 and they still haven't paid up?" [ New topic for Devil: the bet. ] >ask devil about bet "Oh, we were betting on a football match in Florence. Interesting sport. It has a future, I think." >u "Oh, fine, just leave us here to rot! We'll see who's laughing once your soul is finally ours!" Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >s Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >s Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with empty eye sockets. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >s Why should I wish to visit the town? There was nothing but ignorant villagers there! And probably a lot of torches and pitchforks, too. >w Tavern The Black Bear Tavern was not terribly exciting, as far as small town taverns went. The rustic wooden decor was about as inspired as its beer selection, and the place was deader than my latest experiment. Judging by the muddy bootprints on the floor and the odd scorch mark on the wall, the Society had already patronized the establishment and deemed it too boring to spend the evening in. The hall continued to the west, while the door to the east led outside. Hans sat at the counter, nursing a mug of beer and looking at me with a happy scowl. >talk to hans "And a good evening to you too, sir," said Hans, frowning happily at me. "How are you doing?" >ask hans about belief Hans frowned. "I don't really know much about that. People tell me to read the Bible, but, well, I can't read." I asked him if he actually believed in any of that. Hans (I think) scowled thoughtfully into his beer. "You know, sir, I reckon I really don't know. Folks tell me all manner of tales about what'll happen after I die, but I can't help but notice that they've never died either. The way I see it, they don't know any more about it than I do, and no fancy Church title is going to change that." For a moment he sat there, silent. Then he glanced at me with a nervousness in his eyes that I'd never seen before. "You won't tell anyone about this, right?" I assured him that I wouldn't. "Thank you, sir." >give pen (to Hans) No self-respecting evil scientist goes around giving gifts to people. Unless they get something out of it. >give contract (to Hans) "Oh, the charter!" Hans peered at the words as if confronted with algebraic geometry. "I see you've signed it! Wow, that's a fancy signature. Here, I'll just --" Well, if what he'd said about his faith was true... I relinquished the contract. Hans took it from my hand, stared at it for a moment, then looked up at me. "Er," he said sheepishly. "I do need something to write with. Would you happen to have a pen?" >give pen (to Hans) Hans' eyes lit up. "Ah, thank you sir! Just give me a second..." With a flourish (and a few moments to figure out which end was which) he signed an X right on the line. Then, the instant the pen left the paper, it vanished with a puff of black smoke! "Wow," said Hans. "That felt like someone just walked over my great-grandmother's burial mound. I guess they don't make pens like they used to, huh? Anyway, here, sir." He handed me the contract back. "Thank you for your time. I really appreciate it." >kiss hans Maybe later... >e "Good evening to you, sir!" shouted Hans as I left. "Have fun with your experiments!" Country Road The dusty road meandered through the countryside. In the distance shone the lights of the village. To the north the road led back to my manor, while a little side road, barely more than a dirt path, led east to a small graveyard. To the west was a small tavern, the Black Bear. A stuffed bear's head hung above the rustic wooden door, watching visitors with empty eye sockets. A lone bar stool stood next to the entrance, under the bear's head. >n Manor Grounds After years of neglect, the manor grounds were overgrown with bushes and weeds. The abandoned manor loomed to the north, starkly silhouetted against the darkening sky. A winding country road led south. >n Entrance Hall The entrance hall of my manor -- well, the manor I'd taken up residence in after getting chased out from the last town by a mob of villagers -- was a large, dusty room filled with cobwebs. Various furnishing and ornaments lay about the room, left behind by the previous owners and now covered in white sheets and dust. The afternoon's dying sunlight streamed faintly through the windows. The front door faced south, while a narrow staircase led down to my lab. >d "Oh good, you're back," said the Devil, a little testily. "There's not much to do here, stuck in this circle, you know." Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil stood inside it, watching me with an air of disdain. >give contract (to the Devil) "Ah, there it is!" The Devil snapped their fingers and the contract appeared in their hands. "All appears to be in order. Though -- an X? Really, Ludwig? We didn't take you for the illiterate type. Well, then..." They traced a twisting sigil in the air, and, with a feeling of finality and a puff of white smoke, the contract vanished. "And now!" They clapped their hands. The glint in their eyes might have frightened lesser men. "Now that you've sealed your fate..." The Devil looked me in the eye, and... Ah, I'm afraid I don't quite have the words to do justice to what happened next. In the blink of an eye I watched the secrets of Creation unraveled before me -- I saw -- no, knew, more intimately than I knew myself -- the motion of galaxies, of atoms, how it all weaved together in one infinitely intricate tapestry, and -- And my mind overflowed with ideas, with evil plans -- I knew what to do, how I could ascend to true Godhood, I just needed -- I needed -- I blinked, and the Devil stood before me with a triumphant grin. "Well, Dr Ludwig?" they crowed. "Was it worth the cost?" Right. The ominous machinations could wait. I needed to get rid of them first. >look up banishing Eventually, thou wilt become sicke of ye demon sitting in thy living roome doing naughte but insulte thee & thy taste in decor. Once thou hast suffer'd enough of their anticks, thou canst banish them from thy sight with this one simple tricke! Pronounce the Enochian words IPAMIS KURAS in their accurfed prefence & the demon will vanish in a puffe of smoke, right before thine eyes! Yes, 'tis no lie: banishing demons is as easy as SAYing these words! No supernatural power required! Remember: I P A M I S K U R A S ! >say ipamis kuras I pronounced the words of power... And nothing happened. The Devil burst out laughing. "Oh, your Enochian pronunciation is simply atrocious. Good luck banishing anyone like that!" I pointed out that since they probably didn't want to remain in that circle for all eternity, would it not be in their best interest to teach me the correct pronunciation so I could send them back to Hell? "Well, you see," the Devil said. "We've been thinking -- we haven't had much else to do for the past few hours, for some reason -- and we've decided that we'd rather like to stick around and see what you'll do with the knowledge we've given you. We're sure it will be quite impressive! And, well, we really do need a vacation. So..." They pulled a reclining beach chair out of thin air and settled in. They conjured a phonograph to their side and a tropical fruit drink in their hand, and as the strains of classical music began to fill the air they sat back and made themself comfortable in my circle. Well. That just wouldn't do. [ New general topic: Enochian. ] >ask him about enochian "Words, words, words." The Devil waved a bored hand. "Do you do nothing else but talk? Do something entertaining!" Bombastic classical music boomed across the lab. >ask devil about enochian "Words, words, words." The Devil waved a bored hand. "Do you do nothing else but talk? Do something entertaining!" The liquid in my flasks vibrated in time with the music. >devil, teach me enochian You know, I was actually rather tired of listening to them speak. Blaring notes filled the air. >u No. There was nothing I needed outside. There was a moment of reprieve as the movement ended, but it was short lived. >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil sat comfortably in their reclining beach chair, sipping a tropical fruit drink and listening to their phonograph. Violins swelled dramatically. >look up enochian Ye language of the angels, and the thirde moste common language spoken in Hell after Latin & English. It may seem intimidating at firste, but learning Enochian is an excellent inveftment for any afpiring daemonologist! (Editor's note: For more, check outte Learne Enochian in 30 Days by ye same author!) Dammit! That book had been sold out for ages! There was no way I could get one anytime soon. The brass section sure was giving it their all. >listen I didn't get to where I was by listening to things! Was that cannon fire I'd heard? >ask devil about enochian "Words, words, words." The Devil waved a bored hand. "Do you do nothing else but talk? Do something entertaining!" It was hard to think with all that racket! >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil sat comfortably in their reclining beach chair, sipping a tropical fruit drink and listening to their phonograph. Oh, how I longed to get my hands on that damn thing! ...The phonograph, I mean. >x chair It looked very comfortable. There was a moment of reprieve as the movement ended, but it was short lived. >x phonograph One of those newfangled music-playing contraptions. It was very loud. Was that cannon fire I'd heard? >takeit Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way >devil, turn off phonograph The Devil turned off the phonograph... then immediately turned it back on again with an eminently punchable grin. >devil, break phonograph The Devil effortlessly destroyed the phonograph, then with a snap of their fingers they summoned a new one in its place. >devil, give me phonograph With a snap of the Devil's fingers the phonograph appeared before me -- then promptly crumbled to ash. Another snap and a new one appeared in its old place inside the circle. Good thing they hadn't thought of that earlier with the feather! >devil, give me drink With a snap of the Devil's fingers the tropical fruit drink appeared in my hand -- then promptly crumbled to ash. Another snap and a new one appeared in their hand. That wasn't working. The book said the spell wasn't very powerful -- the Devil could be made to perform discrete actions whose duration was limited, but the spell wouldn't control them indefinitely. >x drink It looked very refreshing. Blaring notes filled the air. >* hmm (Noted.) >* (missing line break (Noted.) >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil sat comfortably in their reclining beach chair, sipping a tropical fruit drink and listening to their phonograph. There was a moment of reprieve as the movement ended, but it was short lived. >break circle That would have broken the spell that allowed me to control the Devil. Which didn't seem like a particularly good idea! The brass section sure was giving it their all. >x char There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >x chair It looked very comfortable. Bombastic classical music boomed across the lab. >devil, destroy chair The Devil effortlessly destroyed the reclining beach chair, then with a snap of their fingers they summoned a new one in its place, and settled back in. That wasn't working. The book said the spell wasn't very powerful -- the Devil could be made to perform discrete actions whose duration was limited, but the spell wouldn't control them indefinitely. >devil, say ipamis kurras I opened my mouth to give the order, but as soon as the word 'say' left my mouth the trumpets blared from the phonograph, loud enough that I could feel the entire building rattling around me, drowning out my command. "Hah!" crowed the Devil once the racket had abated. "Turns out I don't have to obey any commands if I can't hear them! Good luck trying to get us to speak words aloud. But we'll be sporting and let you have your fun -- feel free to try to try any other order. Enjoy yourself!" It laughed. Then, to themself, they muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, 'If only we'd thought of this before he asked us about the damn loophole...' >* progress! (Noted.) >x phonograph One of those newfangled music-playing contraptions. It was very loud. Violins swelled dramatically. >x record There was no such thing in sight! Or, if there was, it was beneath my notice. >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil sat comfortably in their reclining beach chair, sipping a tropical fruit drink and listening to their phonograph. The liquid in my flasks vibrated in time with the music. >devil, pour drink onto phonograph Why, I don't even know what that verb means! Or perhaps I do, and it's simply not something that occurred to me at the time. At least not worded that way The brass section sure was giving it their all. >devil, put drink on phonograph Try as I might, I couldn't think of a reason to ask the Devil to do that. Bombastic classical music boomed across the lab. >devil, be quiet No, that wouldn't work. The book said the spell's power was limited -- the Devil could be made to perform discrete actions whose duration was limited, but the spell wouldn't control them indefinitely. Oh, how I longed to get my hands on that damn thing! ...The phonograph, I mean. >look up music The Grimoire had nothing to say on the matter. Bombastic classical music boomed across the lab. >u No. There was nothing I needed outside. The brass section sure was giving it their all. >ask devil about music "Words, words, words." The Devil waved a bored hand. "Do you do nothing else but talk? Do something entertaining!" Oh, how I longed to get my hands on that damn thing! ...The phonograph, I mean. >i In my lab coat I was carrying: a glass of demonic ink a scalpel the Society charter a shovel the Grand Grimoire a to-do list The liquid in my flasks vibrated in time with the music. >pull lever With a half-hearted "it's alive", I pulled the lever. Lightning arced over the table, flooding the lab with cool blue light. As shadows danced on the wall, the body convulsed once, twice, sat up, then fell back onto the slab with nary a sign of sapience. The Devil clapped. "That was a nice light show! We don't have those down in Hell!" It was hard to think with all that racket! >throw alembic at phonograph I didn't mess with my flasks. Do you have any idea how long it took to set them up? Was that cannon fire I'd heard? >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil sat comfortably in their reclining beach chair, sipping a tropical fruit drink and listening to their phonograph. Oh, how I longed to get my hands on that damn thing! ...The phonograph, I mean. >devil, destroy chair The Devil effortlessly destroyed the reclining beach chair, then with a snap of their fingers they summoned a new one in its place, and settled back in. That wasn't working. The book said the spell wasn't very powerful -- the Devil could be made to perform discrete actions whose duration was limited, but the spell wouldn't control them indefinitely. If I wanted something truly binding... well, the Devil wasn't the only one who knew their way around a contract. >* aha (Noted.) >devil, sign charter A snap of their fingers, and the Devil materialized the charter in their hands. They read through it intently, then pulled a pen out of their robe and signed their signature on the paper in elegant loops. With a glance at the clock and a sour look on their face, they waved their hand and the damnable phonograph disappeared in a puff of smoke. Then they flopped back onto their chair, sulkily sipping their drink. Finally, quiet reigned! >x clock It was a little past eight. Maybe waiting for midnight would have been more appropriate, but my schedule was packed! >* good hinting -- I should have figured that out (Noted.) >devil, say ipamis kurras "Ipamis kurras," the Devil said, then immediately snapped their mouth shut. Wordlessly, they glowered at me. >devil, say ipamis kuras The Devil opened their mouth, and their voice reverberated through the air: "Ipamis kuras." The Devil's eyes smoldered like embers. "You will regret this, Ludwig. We will haunt you for all eternity. You will live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. You will never get the smell of sulfur out of the upholst --" I'd like to say that the Devil's exit was big and dramatic. That the earth rose to swallow them in a flash of hellfire, or that they dissolved into mist screaming and cursing my name. Perhaps it would have made for a more entertaining ending. Instead, with a loud pop and a sad little puff of smoke, the Devil was gone, and finally I stood alone and victorious in my lab, ready to enact my evil plans! At least after I cleaned up the tropical drink the Devil had spilled all over the floor. And thus we reach the end of our story -- or perhaps not quite. The following months were a whirlwind of preparations. I'll spare you the tedious details. I needed to gather all my materials, to set everything up perfectly, to unravel the knowledge I'd obtained and put into motion all my ominous machinations. The Torch and Pitchfork Society was as ever a thorn in my side, but thanks to my wit, resourcefulness, and superior contract negotiation skills I always came out on top. And now, at last, all my work has finally borne fruit. I stand here, just a few ticks of the clock away from my ultimate triumph. All is ready. And soon... Laboratory Here we are now, once again back in my lab. The machines hum nicely, and the mysterious concoctions are more bubbly than ever. A thunderstorm rages outside, rattling the walls with its fury. The stage is set. Everything is perfect. My desk and the grandfather clock are still in their place, and the Devil's old reclining beach chair sits in the corner of the lab. Books lie strewn across the floor. No sign is left of the circle but faint chalk marks on the floor and a distinct smell of sulfur in the air. On the desk are a cease and desist letter, an infernal postcard, and a mail order catalogue. And, on the slab in the center of the room, lies my masterpiece, the culmination of life's work: my first successful creation. >sit on chair This is no time to sit around lollygagging! >x letter This correspondence serves as a formal notice to immediately cease and desist all activities related to illegal experimentation, graverobbing, breaking and entering, theft, disturbance of the peace, and excessive villainous monologuing. Your continued actions have caused serious and irreparable damage to the reputation and property values of this town. You are hereby instructed to comply with this letter or face legal sanctions under applicable law. Love, The Torch and Pitchfork Society P.S.: Do you know who keeps sending strange men smelling of sulfur to proselytize at Hans? It's starting to get annoying. Little hearts are doodled on the envelope. >x postcard Wish You Were Here, the postcard announces in loopy letters over a cozy view of a luxury beach resort picturesquely lit by hellfire. The back says: We will see you again, Dr Ludwig. Do not think you can get away with such low tricks. We may not own your soul, but we will find you, and you will suffer pains at the thought of which even the highest of demons will shudder. Your fate will be whispered as a cautionary tale in the darkest pits of Hell. P.S.: Thank you for recommending Hell as a tourist destination! That mysterious shopkeeper was very pleased with her vacation! >x catalogue A catalogue I received in the mail the other day. It promises all sorts of haunted and mysterious artifacts mailed to your home, same day delivery or my money back. No contact address is listed. Ooh, the cursed rings are on sale this month! I could get one for Hans. >buy ring There is no such thing in sight! Or, if there is, it is beneath my notice. >read catalogue A catalogue I received in the mail the other day. It promises all sorts of haunted and mysterious artifacts mailed to your home, same day delivery or my money back. No contact address is listed. Ooh, the cursed rings are on sale this month! I could get one for Hans. >i In my lab coat I am carrying: a scalpel a to-do list >x to-do - gather materials (at least three trips worth of graverobbing) ? - find escaped experiment ? - pay for damages caused by escaped experiment ? - find escaped experiment again ? - learn to sew ? - steal brain ? - return stolen brain, grab a suitable one this time ? - buy flowers for Hans ? - laugh in the very face of God as I cross the boundary between life and death Thunder cracks. >laugh Ah, yes! There is nothing better than a nice invigorating maniacal laugh! >x body There is no such thing in sight! Or, if there is, it is beneath my notice. >x experiment Oh, they're perfect! Look at them: their stitches lovingly sewn, their parts carefully selected among the best I could find (though I have plenty of spares on hand in case they want any sort of replacement or customization)! They are truly the pinnacle of Creation! Ah, I can't wait until they choose their name and I finally know what to call them! I only need to pull this lever, and then... >l Laboratory Here we are now, once again back in my lab. The machines hum nicely, and the mysterious concoctions are more bubbly than ever. A thunderstorm rages outside, rattling the walls with its fury. The stage is set. Everything is perfect. My desk and the grandfather clock are still in their place, and the Devil's old reclining beach chair sits in the corner of the lab. Books lie strewn across the floor. No sign is left of the circle but faint chalk marks on the floor and a distinct smell of sulfur in the air. On the desk are a cease and desist letter, an infernal postcard, and a mail order catalogue. And, on the slab in the center of the room, lies my masterpiece, the culmination of life's work: my first successful creation. >x desk My desk! Oh, how many hours I've spent here, poring over books, scribbling notes, tearing out my hair as I worked and worked to understand the secret of creating life from nothing! Soon, though... My notes are no more orderly than they were that day; my inkwell is still buried somewhere in there. The red ooze from the drawer is pulsing slightly now. I'm sure there's no need to worry about that! On the desk are a cease and desist letter, an infernal postcard, and a mail order catalogue. >x drawer Right! The desk drawer! I still haven't gotten around to cleaning it! I'm fairly certain that red ooze has developed sentience! >x ooze I think it's trying to communicate. >x slab A bloodstained operating table hooked up to my machinery and activated by the lever nearby. Upon it lies my latest triumph! Thunder booms. >pull lever At last, after years of ceaseless work, the night of my triumph is at hand. Thunder cracks; the clock chimes twelve. Lightning arcs over the table, flooding the lab with cool blue light. Shadows dance on the stone walls, and I laugh and laugh and laugh as everything I have toiled towards finally slots into place. And, as the inhuman form before me begins to stir, I raise my arms towards the heavens and at the top of my lungs I shout: *** It's alive! *** Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, see some suggestions for AMUSING things to do, QUIT, or UNDO the last command? >amusing Have you tried: - opening the drawer? - asking the Devil their name? - ordering the Devil to: - sing? - dance? - whistle? - kneel? - pray? - go up? - say something? - greet something? - touch something outside the circle? - giving orders to Hans or the Shopkeeper? - giving orders to Hans after asking him out on a date? - dipping the pen in the inkwell twice? - examining the to-do list during the epilogue? - talking to the successful creation? - finding out what the word 'xyzzy' does? Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, see some suggestions for AMUSING things to do, QUIT, or UNDO the last command? >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >talk to cretion Soon, I'll be able to talk to my dear creation. Soon, I won't be reduced to monologuing at an imaginary audience who keeps giving me silly instructions. Ah, I can't wait! Thunder rattles the walls of the manor upstairs. >xyzzy I've heard that word before... Ah, but it's far too late to worry about that now! Thunder booms. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >g Soon, I'll be able to talk to my dear creation. Soon, I won't be reduced to monologuing at an imaginary audience who keeps giving me silly instructions. Ah, I can't wait! >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >l Laboratory Here we are now, once again back in my lab. The machines hum nicely, and the mysterious concoctions are more bubbly than ever. A thunderstorm rages outside, rattling the walls with its fury. The stage is set. Everything is perfect. My desk and the grandfather clock are still in their place, and the Devil's old reclining beach chair sits in the corner of the lab. Books lie strewn across the floor. No sign is left of the circle but faint chalk marks on the floor and a distinct smell of sulfur in the air. On the desk are a cease and desist letter, an infernal postcard, and a mail order catalogue. And, on the slab in the center of the room, lies my masterpiece, the culmination of life's work: my first successful creation. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, wait, that was a bad idea, Let's pretend that didn't happen. >undo Laboratory No, that's not what happened. Let me go back a bit. >undo Laboratory No, that's not what happened. Let me go back a bit. >undo Laboratory No, that's not what happened. Let me go back a bit. >undo Laboratory No, that's not what happened. Let me go back a bit. >l Laboratory My laboratory! My reign, the domain where my genius comes to life! It was a dim, musty basement room, lit by the flickering green lights of my machinery. Alembics and beakers full of bubbling concoctions lined the shelves, casting dark shadows on the stone walls behind them. Just the atmosphere to make one want to break into mad laughter! On one side was my desk. In the middle of the room stood the operating table upon which my latest experiment rested, and an old grandfather clock loomed nearby. A steep narrow staircase led upstairs. In the corner of the room a summoning circle had been drawn in chalk. The Devil sat comfortably in their reclining beach chair, sipping a tropical fruit drink and glowering at me. >xyzzy I'd heard that word before... Where could I learn more? >look up xyzzy This worde hath odde effects! SAY it out loudde to see for thyself! (Editor's note: Do notte trye this at home.) >say xyzzy I tried to pronounce the word, but I only bit my tongue! >g I tried to pronounce the word, but I only bit my tongue again! >g I tried to pronounce the word, but I only bit my tongue once more. This clearly wasn't working! >devil, say xyzzy The Devil's voice rang loud and clear throughout the lab: "Xyzzy. The world began to fade. "Fool!" cried the Devil in a hollow voice. "What have you done!" But their voice was already growing distant, their form dissolving before my eyes as everything went white all around me, as I fell and fell and fell until... At End Of Road I was standing at the end of a road before a small brick building. Around me was a forest. A small stream flowed out of the building and down a gully. *** Better start looking for a brass lantern *** But, of course, that's not what happened. I wouldn't be here now telling you this story if it had, now would I? Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, QUIT, or UNDO the last command? >quit