The transcript will be saved to the file. Type SCRIPT OFF to discontinue scripting. >x me I was wearing a studded leather jacket to go with black jeans and charcoal colored boots. I recently got a haircut and thought I looked okay. I was probably a sweaty mess, because of the pressure. >* This is a look Comment recorded. >i I was a poor person. It was late at night when this all went down and I was starting to run a little low on energy. >x poor I saw no poor there. >l Petting Zoo The petting zoo was stuffy, dank, dark. The owner had no idea why grown men (well, in my case, twenty-somethings on a sad path) were anywhere near the place. The planked-up walls had both the gritty texture and color of cheap- kibble-based cat vomit. The owner inexplicably carpeted the floor, which, in a place like this I can’t even - I couldn’t even. There was a bar I could get a soft drink from and an assortment of booths, tables and then tables not scratched to crap placed around the edges. It should have been a lot bigger with all the animals he was trying to cram in here, like an iguana, goat, aye-aye and peacock. >* oof carpet no Comment recorded. >x iguana She was a gorgeous example of her species. She had the brightest, most vividly-green scales. Of course, she was also a cold-blooded predator that would turn anything into food. She was daring me to blink. I was getting a bit thirsty. >pet iguana I couldn’t get close enough to the iguana to pet it. >x gaot (x goat) She had brown and white fur, and stood about three feet tall. She was the big draw to most of the people who would bring children in here during the day. (At this hour, the petting zoo simply existed for all sorts of twisted psychos to conduct their illegal or immoral transactions.) I think the bar recently got some new flavors in. >pet goat The goat resisted my attempt to coax it towards me. I’m sure if I were armed with a secret cache of aluminum cans, Billy would be dry-humping me till things got greasy. >* eek Comment recorded. >x aye-aye Aye-ayes are tiny rodents with bugged-out eyes that are usually found in Madagascar, where the people are less freaked out by that sort of thing. It’s a great addition to the indoor petting zoo because the ports in and out of Madagascar are so often closed (as is their nature). I guess the best way I can describe them is to imagine a sewer rat hopped up on black coffee and green cheese, cramming a year’s worth of studying for the bar into a weekend. The aye-aye had been grooming itself. >x peacock The peacock was the most aloof of all the animals. Disassociated from anything else going on in the petting zoo. It didn’t seem to have much on its mind, aside from wrestling with whether or not it should cancel “Community” again. The bar was calling me, so I decided to get a drink. I was originally going to help myself to a Mr. Pibb, but you know what? Let’s party; I got myself a Pibb Xtra. I took a look around to see if my client had arrived. Not yet. Just normal people and animals. >pet peacock I enjoyed “petting the peacock” as much as the next guy, but – OK, in truth, I don’t remember petting the peacock at that time. >* OK from NBC to masturbation jokes, bit of a wide range here Comment recorded. >i I was wearing a jacket, and carrying a Pibb Xtra and a cell phone. >* oh, where'd the phone come from? Comment recorded. >x jacket Technically, this was a woman’s medium studded leather jacket, but I felt that putting it in the women’s rack was doing it a disservice as there hadn’t been a woman born to Earth yet with the poor sense to wear it. It fit great, the sleeves were the correct size and it looked like a silver foil playing card that just got done slicing through the neck bolts of a hundred robot Frankensteins while lightning blew up Manhattan in the background. The client found me. I wasn’t ready for this. He smiled broadly and nodded. He didn’t say his name though. Look, this is all very difficult for me, but I am pretty sure that you’re supposed to tell people your name when you meet them. I sat down on the chair after he did. Politeness is just a service I offer for free. “I’m, ah, Jay Schilling,” I said. “You can c-call me Jay?” Wait, that wouldn’t make any sense. Nobody called me anything other than Jay. I could salvage this by going with 'You can call me Jam Master Jay,’ but that’s liable to present the wrong impres- oh, screw it. “J-Jay, or Schilling, either is fine, really.” The iguana caught the client’s eye, though, so my verbal stumble went completely unnoticed. “I suppose you’re wondering why I want to hire you,” he said. He seemed to be a normal guy. I’ll give him that. A lot of people I meet spend way too much time on the Internet. It makes a man peculiar. But no, this fellow had tan skin and was a decent dresser. I couldn’t smell any obnoxious cologne on him. (I can say I’m curious, I could guess or that I’m nervous) >* huh? Comment recorded. >say I'm curious “I’m extremely curious, naturally. But I’m a professional. I’m up for anything. Sorry, I didn’t get your name, however?” “Oh, let’s see if we can’t get beyond names, Jay.” He laughed. An easy chuckle that, now that I reflect back on it, was rather condescending, the prick. “Beyond them, yeaaah. Look, I shall be in contact via my telephone, and my number is actually 279-1337. Why not refer to me by number instead? Anyway, I need you to find someone for me. A woman.” [System Hint] You can abbreviate “ASK NPC ABOUT ” with “A ” when suggested topics are shown. “TELL” or “SHOW” are not necessary in this story. “TALK TO” is implemented though. (I can ask about the woman’s relationship to the client, ask about the last time he’d seen her, ask about the woman’s name or something else) >a woman “What’s her name?” “Her first name is Amanda.” I rotated my right hand in a clockwise motion in an attempt to get him to provide more detail. “Amanda Duschek.” I grunted. I could remember that. “Does she have a middle name?” “Unknown.” “Mysterious,” I mused. “What?” “How do you spell her last name?” The client spelled her last name. “Uhhhhhhhhhh – ” “Erm,” said the client. “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn – ” “I’ll email it to you,” said the client. Perfect. (I can ask about the woman’s relationship to the client, ask about the last time he’d seen her or something else) >a relationship “May I ask what your relationship is to her?” I said. “We don’t have one.” “Oh. ... So you saw her profile on OKcupid or something?” “What? Look, Jay, I didn’t do a very good job explaining myself here, you see – ” “An-ah – Anyone you go to is gonna assume the same thing I did: She came up in your on-line dating search, you wrote her, she blew you off a-a-and now you want a 'coincidence meeting’ arranged.” I mimed scare quotes for that last bit. I was starting to piss the client off, which – God, seeing how he actually met me and is probably going to pay me money, it wasn’t wise. I tried to steer it back on myself. “Look,” I said. “I’m sorry. I’m a little touchy.” The client nodded his head in agreement. “It’s just, in my mind, there is one extremely evil pug of a man out there who is cockblocking all my attempts to get to know pretty, interesting and engaging women without me having to, you know, leave my chair. I’ve built this guy up in my mind. You sounded like you might be him.” “Sure,” said the client. “That’s insane, Jay, but I don’t think that will stop you from doing what I want you to do. I need to keep this quiet – for now. If you make some progress and find her I can give you more details.” (I can ask about the last time he’d seen her or something else) >8 I had talked to him about something else instead. (I can ask about the last time he’d seen her or something else) >* OK we're rather strange and have not-awesome ideas about women Comment recorded. >a something else “They take the iguana away from the main floor when it’s about to shed its skin,” I said to the client. Then I couldn’t remember if reptiles shed their skin, or if amphibians do. Luckily, the client didn’t care, so that bit of conversation didn’t go any further. (I can ask about the last time he’d seen her or something else) >a last time “When did you see her last?” “I’ve never met her,” said the client. I sort of let that hang out in the air for a bit. Like a waiter at a nice restaurant opening a fine bottle of wine that we all slowly discover is filled to bursting with tachinid flies, not wine. “It’s complicated. I can’t tell you more - not yet. I’m not trying to be mysterious, Jay. I’m just trying to keep this discrete.” “I’m discrete,” I said, I lied. “Sure, yeah - sure.” The client shifted in his chair. “But let’s say you don’t find anything. Now I’ve got to start over again, and find someone else. I do that enough times and people start spreading the word that I am looking for this woman. I’m just trying to not make noise.” “You’re not going to kill her if I find her, are you?” “No.” “Hurt her? I realize I – forget the bit about killing her, ah. You’re not going to hurt her, are you?” “No, no, Jay. Nothing like that.” “I’ll find her,” I said. I didn’t say, “You psycho.” “I’ll find her, and it won’t be a problem,” I added. I didn’t add, “Even if you are the semi- stillborn result of a sociopath and H. H. Holmes during his fecund phase.” (I can say what about police involvement or say what’s the rate of pay) >* discrete/discreet error, unless this is a joke (Jay is discrete!) Comment recorded. >a police “The police,” I said, while scrunching up my nose and frowning (to, you know, subliminally program my client to trust me and not the cops) “... Well, they’re supposed to handle this sort of thing, no?” “They’ve been remarkably unhelpful,” he said. My client then commented on one of the animals. I don’t know for how long, but we definitely spoke of pets we had owned and that sort of thing for a good, long while. (I can say what’s the rate of pay) >a pay “There is, unfortunately, the m-matter of my pay.” “Of course,” he said. “How do you - well, how do you wish to handle the – ?” “Bitcoin is fine.” The client winced, every so imperceptibly. In my experience, when asking for payment in bitcoin, a reaction such as that one is usually because my customers expect me to launch into a nerd raged explanation of why I chose an alternate method of settling bills. (I used to do it, too, so I’m not cross or anything.) When the client realized I wasn’t going to say anything further, he continued. “That is fine. What are your rates, Jay?” “One BTC a week, first week payable in advance, I’m afraid.” “Expenses?” “I’m not the kind of guy who has expenses, unfortunately. Hey, look. If I find this woman and you need me to track down the kids you two make in fourteen years or whatever, I might need expenses then. So I don’t w-want to pollute the stream.” The client just nodded. (I can ask the client for additional information) >a info “Do you have anything extra you could give me?” I asked. The client handed over a small flash disk. “Yeah, this has her photograph and some text files from stuff I was able to find on-line. Like where she was last seen. Oh, I also put Dwarf Fortress on it.” “Cool, look man, my phone can play flash disks directly, I just gotta – one sec.” I took off the protective, third-party shell that I had carefully put around my brand new phone last week, to plug the flash disk in. I set the phone down in order to flip the flash disk like the coin at a football game before snatching it out of the air and plugging it into the phone. At that point, the iguana jumped onto the table, got frightened, kicked my phone out from under it, jumped off and shattered it into a thousand pieces. After a few beats, I gave the client a look of resignation and my new rates. (I can end the conversation or ask about the disk) >* Good joke! Comment recorded. >a disk “So, just to confirm,” I said, “her picture is on here? And it’s of her ... face?” The client laughed at that for a second. “Yeah, it’s of her face, all right.” “OK,” I said, studying the flash disk a little too much. “I get a lot of these and the subject is naked with stars over the hot bits.” (I can end the conversation) >end conversation I would have shaken his hand, but we’re not in that kind of world any more. We were (and are) in a world where everyone just sort of acts like they would do a handshake and leaves. “You’ll get results soon,” I promised. “Just find her,” he said. “You mentioned something about seeing me back here?” “Yeah,” I said. “Why don’t I meet you here, same time tomorrow?” “Are you sure you want to meet here?” he said. “Well, you’re giving me 24 hours, I am sure I could find a bigger dump.” He laughed. I smiled. “I’m sure you could!” I stopped smiling. I got up as he left the Petting Zoo. I know it was all jokes and negging at the end there, but I probably could have found a filthier place if he wanted. I’m all about the client. Refurb Pearl Square East I left the petting zoo. The minute they take bitcoin I resolved to give them a huge donation. The week they accept it, anyway. Well, sometime that particular fiscal year, def. The bus dropped me off east of the square. The burned-up meat smell coming from the corporate team-building exercises at the nearby cooking class had descended from the north, ruining the otherwise beautiful evening. The library was two blocks west. I could hoof it. >i I was wearing a jacket, and carrying a disk and a cell phone. >x disk It was the size of a fingernail, or, to the nailbiter, two. >x phone Which bit? The first bit or the second bit or the third bit or the fourth bit or the fifth bit or the sixth bit or the seventh bit or the... I’m just kidding. >g Which bit? The first bit or the second bit or the third bit or the fourth bit or the fifth bit or the sixth bit or the seventh bit or the... I’m just kidding. >x first I saw no first there. >put disk in phone Thanks to the iguana, that was not possible. >turn on phone The cell phone was already switched on. >l Refurb Pearl Square East Someone screaming 'fascists’ drove a moving truck filled with C-4 explosives into the square twenty years ago. The explosives did not detonate, but still, it was a pretty big truck to drive through the bricks and fountain. The city had to completely refurbish it. The library, two blocks west, was completely unaffected. >turn on ffone (turn on phone) The cell phone was already switched on. >x fountain I saw no fountain there. >* I guess it's gone Comment recorded. >w Refurb Pearl Square There was an enormous high-definition television in the center of the square playing inane ads. That’s all it ever seemed to do. There were couples on dates enjoying the weather, street performers doing tricks, and some beggars who just yelled occasional obscenities at passers-by. I’d say there were probably twenty or twenty-five people out that night. The library was to the west. >x tv The television mostly broadcasts advertisements. The two in heavy rotation are one for Pibb Xtra, and one for a competing petting zoo a couple miles away that is trying to restore its reputation after they invested heavily in a crate of skunks. > Refurb Pearl Square The square itself was about the size of a city block. The moon wasn’t out or anything, but there was enough color seeping out from the gaslights to make things feel pleasant. The ground was covered with a very even and attractive layout of multi-colored brick. There were stores, the names of which I can’t remember, and a couple dozen people milling about, including a street performer. The library was to the west. An elderly man slowly made his way from the square. A couple clearly on a date walked past me, heading toward the library. It wasn’t a first date, but they hadn’t been together so long to take each other for granted, either. They were happy, and I think it made each of them 20% better-looking to be that way. >x couple They have left, but they were clearly in love and it was a little bit inspiring. The elderly man walked gingerly west, toward the library. >x man I saw no man there. >x brick I saw no brick there. >x stores I saw no stores there. >x floor I saw nothing special about the ground. >x people The people in the square were doing some light shopping, going on dates and otherwise being happy. >x performer Most of them keep to themselves, so they’re OK by me. >l Refurb Pearl Square The square itself was about the size of a city block. The moon wasn’t out or anything, but there was enough color seeping out from the gaslights to make things feel pleasant. The ground was covered with a very even and attractive layout of multi-colored brick. There were stores, the names of which I can’t remember, and a couple dozen people milling about, including a street performer. The library was to the west. >x sky I saw no sky there. >x library The library was a block west. >w Before the Library The side of the library’s adobe wall still felt warm, even at this late hour. I always liked to brush my hand up against it before entering. I paused this time, though, because I felt like I was being followed. I had stopped, caught my breath because I am so out of shape. Little problems can become big problems if they aren’t addressed – fine. Why did I think I was being followed? Getting jumpy in my old age is all. There wasn’t anybody here. There wasn’t anything stopping me from entering the library. The elderly man was walking slowly, head down, muttering silently to himself. >x man He looks like something in life wronged him recently. He mutters a bit as he shuffles away. The elderly man melts into the crowd and disappears. >i I was wearing a jacket, and carrying a disk and a cell phone. >in Library Entrance I walk into the library, hope hope hoping that the librarian I’ve got a bit of a thing for is working – and she is. She’s sitting behind a long table, talking on the phone. There’s a couple stacks of books on either side of her work area. A large CRT monitor obscures most of what I can really see, though. All three walls are covered in a felt-based, easily-punctured cloth, turning all the available space into a community bulletin board. The elevator that goes to the other floors of the library is along the far wall. There’s a button to call the elevator as well. I glance up and notice the elevator is on the third floor. The librarian is on the phone, sitting behind a long table. >x librarian She has almond eyes, impeccably framed with black lenses. Her hair is somewhere beyond blonde, a color that is uniquely hers. While she normally wears a ghost-white shawl, she clearly didn’t need it today and is wearing a vermilion dress. Her nametag says, “Chloe.” Chloe makes eye contact with me and smiles. She’s still on the phone. >smile at chloe I don’t understand that command. >x phone It’s got about 40 buttons that I couldn’t begin to manipulate properly if given a thousand years, and that’s keeping in mind that the library has a huge archive of instruction manuals someplace. >x table To be honest, and this will be more clear if you ever see my living arrangements, this would be the first thing I’d steal if I decided to nick goods from the library. It’s a got a long Ikea name that everyone would instinctively know how to ballpark-pronounce but me. >l Library Entrance Chloe’s sitting behind a long table, talking on the phone. There’s a couple stacks of books on either side of her work area. A large CRT monitor obscures most of what I can really see, though. All three walls are covered in a felt-based, easily-punctured cloth, turning all the available space into a community bulletin board. The elevator that goes to the other floors of the library is along the far wall. There’s a button to call the elevator as well. Chloe is on the phone, sitting behind a long table. >x walls I see no walls here. >x board The only interesting thing is a paper advertisement from a local company that sells piggy banks in the form of Dungeons and Dragons characters. Putting something valuable in something that sticks out like a sore thumb, really smart thinking there. >take ad It’s firmly affixed to the board. >* Ah well, thought I might be able to sell someone on this Comment recorded. >x books Chelsea Handler: It was written after some incident that caused her to apologize, back when society thought there was any sort of positive benefit to apologizing for anything. Nothing I really need to spend the client’s time with. A.P. Hill: I flip through it and you know what, that guy was sort of harmless. We probably owe him a bit of an apology. >x books Chelsea Handler: It was written after some incident that caused her to apologize, back when society thought there was any sort of positive benefit to apologizing for anything. Nothing I really need to spend the client’s time with. A.P. Hill: I flip through it and you know what, that guy was sort of harmless. We probably owe him a bit of an apology. >x books Chelsea Handler: It was written after some incident that caused her to apologize, back when society thought there was any sort of positive benefit to apologizing for anything. Nothing I really need to spend the client’s time with. A.P. Hill: I flip through it and you know what, that guy was sort of harmless. We probably owe him a bit of an apology. >x monitor The CRT monitor that Chloe used is a very old Samsung SyncMaster. The plastic on it had started to yellow a bit, like the embattled teeth of a rabid consumer of Mr. Pibb. >talk to chloe Before I can say something, she puts her hands over the phone and speaks to me. This is great. “Jay, hi - say, can you do me a favor? There’s a guy on one of the computers on the third floor who is distracting everyone and just being a rotten nuisance. Can you ... ” She makes extra-careful that whoever is on the other end of her call can’t hear. “Can you throw him out of here for me?” “Yeah, no prob.” Man, I am so in with her. “Which computer is the guy on?” “Hmm...” Chloe’s eyes go upwards for a second as she tries to recall. “It’s the one that only does four colors.” The computers at the library aren’t the best. “I’ll figure it out.” >u Since the door is closed, I reach for the call button. Click! The elevator button lights up. It’s on floor three at the moment. >z Time passes. The elevator is now on the second floor. >z Time passes. The door slides open as the elevator reaches the first floor. >enter elevator Elevator I get inside the elevator, where it smells wonderfully of old, paper books. A quick glance at the panel and I find my destination, floor 3. The elevator door quietly slides shut. The elevator starts to travel upwards. >push three The elevator is currently moving. The elevator continues its ascent. >z Time passes. The elevator starts to slow down and comes to a stop. The door slides open. >out I make my way out of the elevator. Media Room This floor is about 1,000 square feet, longer than it is wide, with shelves of books forming a kind of hallway that allows anyone to traverse west its length. The exact center of the hallway is missing shelves, and has a set of four small cubicles with computers and monitors installed. There is also a table against the far wall for the floor librarian. Three of the computers are occupied. Two by middle aged men and one kid – a girl that’s probably in middle school. The fact that she’s at a library this late makes her the most studious middle schooler in the world. There’s one free computer. >x books Standard library fare. Biographies separated from everything else in its own corner, way too many books from the late 1970s, 6 pristine copies of Gravity’s Rainbow. You know the deal. The elevator door slides shut. >x table It’s got the floor librarian’s work papers and such on it, but really nothing for me. >take gravity's rainbow The books are not important. >* No I meant the concept Comment recorded. >x papers They aren’t mine and I don’t have a good reason to root through them. >x kid She is Asian-American, about - well, look, I’m terrible assuming anything about kids. She’s somewhere between 10 and 14 though? I guess? She is wearing a burgundy hoodie, blue jeans, tennis shoes, glasses, nothing particularly noteworthy. I see the words QUANTUM and COMPUTING on her monitor and it seems like she is doing a report. The girl gently bops her head up and down to the rhythm of unheard music. >talk to kid She gives me a strained smile, making it obvious that she has a report that she needs to get done. Or hell, maybe she’s just trying to learn something on her own. >x man He’s staring at the screen of the Intel Workstation, viewing pornography in clear view of everyone here at the library. The pervert stares intently as his screen. >* Isn't there a second man Comment recorded. >x man He’s staring at the screen of the Intel Workstation, viewing pornography in clear view of everyone here at the library. The pervert stares intently as his screen. >x men The pervert is staring at the screen of the Intel Workstation, viewing pornography in clear view of everyone here at the library. The balding man stares intently at his screen. They are focused on their computer screens. >x middle He seems like an absolutely normal man that is using the library computer because of his life situation. The bald guy continues to study the screen. >* I see Comment recorded. >x bald He seems like an absolutely normal man that is using the library computer because of his life situation. The bald guy continues to study the screen. >x pervert He’s staring at the screen of the Intel Workstation, viewing pornography in clear view of everyone here at the library. The pervert stares intently as his screen. >talk to bald The balding guy isn’t interested. Besides, I still have to get the pervert to leave. >talk to pervert “Hey man, you got a second?” I asked. “No,” said the old guy, abruptly. (I could appeal to his decency, make a pun or talk patiently) >a pun The deviant doesn’t comment and continues to look at the web page. The pervert stares me down. (I could appeal to his decency, make a pun or talk patiently) >make a pun I approach the old guy. “Eff off, idiot,” he says. “I know my rights.” I actually let out a laugh due to being surprised at the reaction. I sure hope when I am 80 I’m not taking orders from people that are my age now. “Let’s t-tuh, t-talk about my rights, bro, like my right cross, right hook and oh-overhand right.” I was being accurate, as a right-handed person, they’d be my best punches. On the other hand, I couldn’t have actually performed any of them. I might have been able to push him and hope he didn’t have ex-military strength. I actually didn’t have to do anything else. The guy zipped up and left. >* Oh, that was easy Comment recorded. >x computer Which do you mean, the Intel Workstation, the Cinnamon Mint PC, or the dumb terminal? >itnel (itself) The Mint PC – a Linux fork – is manned by a balding guy in a nice button down shirt and khaki pants. It looks like he’s at the website of the divorce lawyer in town that always advertises during the baseball games. Sometimes he flips over to some HVAC site. You know how I’m a detective? My take is that he left his house of his own volition, thus, wanting a divorce rather than reconciliation, and wherever he is staying is hot and humid like a lava lamp. I get to make these assertions now because they could all come crashing down once I actually talk to him. >x mint The Mint PC – a Linux fork – is manned by a balding guy in a nice button down shirt and khaki pants. It looks like he’s at the website of the divorce lawyer in town that always advertises during the baseball games. Sometimes he flips over to some HVAC site. You know how I’m a detective? My take is that he left his house of his own volition, thus, wanting a divorce rather than reconciliation, and wherever he is staying is hot and humid like a lava lamp. I get to make these assertions now because they could all come crashing down once I actually talk to him. >x intel With the old perv gone, I take a look at the Intel computer and it has displayed a bluescreen error. I don’t think that was an act of spite from the guy that left. I think that’s just what this computer does. >x dumb I need to say that, overall, this is a nice local library we have. With that out of the way, this terminal looks like it was pulled from some subway project in the 1970s that was abandoned because the construction workers all kept getting stabbed underground by pimp cane. No wonder it’s free. Looks like this is the one for me. >talk to old I see no old here. >use dumb I sit down at the terminal and begin to access its interface... I push myself away from the computer, finished for now. >put disk in dumb There’s no slot for that. >x dumb I need to say that, overall, this is a nice local library we have. With that out of the way, this terminal looks like it was pulled from some subway project in the 1970s that was abandoned because the construction workers all kept getting stabbed underground by pimp cane. No wonder it’s free. >i I am wearing a jacket, and carrying a disk and a cell phone. >l Media Room It’s so open here. This gigantic floor of the library is larger than any place I’ve ever lived. Even the house we lived in when I was growing up wasn’t this big, the library just dwarfs it. There’s a set of four cubicles right in the middle with computers – an Intel Workstation, a Cinnamon Mint PC, a laptop and a dumb terminal. >x laptop It’s a couple years old, which makes it state of the art by library standards. The middle schooler is using it with headphones on and has a word processor up. She’s harmless. Hope she gets a good grade for her report. >put disk in laptop While the laptop has a USB spot for the disk, the laptop is being used by a girl doing real school work, so I should probably not interfere with that. >put disk in mint That computer is being used by someone, though. Maybe if I talk to him? >put disk in intel I can’t. I should be able to and I thought I would be able to, but I cannot. The pervert, ah, gummed up the works. >* eek Comment recorded. >talk to bald I nod a “hello” to the balding guy on the Linux machine. He gives me a smile back. “Thanks for getting rid of that guy,” he whispers. “Someone pulling that stunt when kids are around, it’s really awful.” “Pulling anything in public with kids around is awful,” I whisper back. The guy gives a loud snort of quick laughter, which somewhat unfortunately, is more distracting to the people in the room than anything the pervert was actually doing. (I could ask him about the HVAC site, ask him to run my flash disk or ask him about the divorce site; or ask him about something else) >a hvac “Hey, I wasn’t spying on you, but I noticed you kept going to an air conditioning site. Are you looking for a contractor?” The guy shook his head. “Nah, I own a business. I’m going through some difficulties with my wife, though, and she did the website work for us. I was just being paranoid checking up on the site, not that she’d ruin the business.” He trailed off for a second. “You don’t need any A/C work done, do you?” “I’ve got a small problem with the remote to the system in my garage, actually,” I said. The guy made a face and then a half smile, and then went through a gym bag. “Here you go,” he whispered, tossing me a remote and his card. “It’s the most powerful universal remote on the planet for A/C. They stopped making these when people started screwing around with the temperature of their neighbor’s homes. Thanks for getting that pervert to leave. Promise me you won’t wirelessly screw around with the heating and air conditioning of your neighbors.” “Promise,” I say. “My neighbors are really, really far from me,” I add. (I could ask him to run my flash disk or ask him about the divorce site; or ask him about something else) >a disk “Hey, for the case I am on, I need to open this flash disk. Can you put this into the computer you’re using?” “Sure thing,” he says. The flash disk is shown as an accessible drive. He clicks into it. I am able to see a picture of Amanda (blonde-haired, brown-eyed Caucasian female, probably my age), I see a text file of her that the client tried to put together which seems like he just typed Amanda’s name into Google and copied and pasted the results into a Notepad file and ... well, Dwarf Fortress wasn’t on the flash disk. “Th-thanks,” I say to the bald guy. He gives me a gesture indicating that it’s no problem as he hands me back the flash disk. (I could ask him about the divorce site; or ask him about something else) >a divorce “Hey m-man, you looking to get divorced?” I ask him. He nods glumly. “Look. I was on a, on a case once. It wasn’t a divorce, but it was going to be,” I say. “Some free advice from one guy to another - whatever her lawyer sends you? C-come, come right back to the, to this library, make photocopies, bring it into Photoshop and edit them so they apply to you and send them right back to her lawyer. It’s going to save you thousands of dollars. Guy th-that I was working for? He got divorced for one hundred and fifty dollars. Cost his wife twelve thousand. He wasn’t seeing anybody and had such a good experience that he got married again four months later.” “God,” says the balding guy, “At those prices, it’s stupid not to. Thanks!” The follicly-challenged man returns his attention back to the PC. I said goodbye. > Media Room It’s so open here. This gigantic floor of the library is larger than any place I’ve ever lived. There’s a set of four cubicles in the middle with some computers, but I’ve gotten all I can get out of them. The only exit is the elevator. >* he was nice! Comment recorded. >push button I press the elevator button and the door slides open. >in I said goodbye. Elevator The Jay Schilling official capacity for this elevator is one, regardless of what the sucka MC Fire Marshall might say, but I’m a guy that needs a lot of personal space. The door slides shut as I look at the panel and locate the first floor button. Click! The elevator button lights up. After a slight shudder, it begins its descent. >z Time passes. The elevator continues to descend. >z Time passes. The elevator slowly comes to a halt. The door slides open. >out I make my way out of the elevator. Library Entrance The librarian, Chloe, is still at her desk, talking to someone on the phone. There’s an exit to the east and I can take the elevator back up if I wanted to. Chloe ends her call and stands up. She’s beaming. “Hey, Jay, thanks for getting rid of that guy! I wish I could be in two places at once sometimes. Well, I wish we had the budget to hire more people. Anyway, I really appreciate it.” She looks a little sad. She always treated me like I had my private investigator’s license. That’s what I liked about her. Well, I probably never told her that I don’t have it and she just assumed, but regardless, it was a nice feeling. Chloe’s face brightens, waiting for me to speak. (I could ask about looking sad, mention the remote control or say she’s welcome) >a sad “Hey are you oh ... o-okay” I ask her. She nods, quickly. “My, um, cat has gone missing. He sometimes gets out for a couple days but never this long,” she says. “Who knows, maybe if it’s much longer I’ll hire you to find him?” “Absolutely. You just let me know,” I say. Then I add, “You don’t have to hire me. I have this thing I’m working on now but if he’s still missing, just let me know.” She nods at that. “I have to get back to my case,” I say. “Take care and I’ll catch you later?” Chloe says goodbye and then leaves towards a room in the back that the public can’t get into. The elevator door slides shut. >undo One turn undone: a sad >say she's welcome “I’d dip the mouse on the one computer in bleach, though,” I tell her, giving a sympathetic “ouch” expression. She smirks at that and nods – someone is calling for her in the back, so she can’t really talk for much longer. “I have to get back to my case,” I say. “Take care and I’ll catch you later?” Chloe says goodbye and then leaves towards a room in the back that the public can’t get into. The elevator door slides shut. >undo One turn undone: say she’s welcome >a sad “Hey are you oh ... o-okay” I ask her. She nods, quickly. “My, um, cat has gone missing. He sometimes gets out for a couple days but never this long,” she says. “Who knows, maybe if it’s much longer I’ll hire you to find him?” “Absolutely. You just let me know,” I say. Then I add, “You don’t have to hire me. I have this thing I’m working on now but if he’s still missing, just let me know.” She nods at that. “I have to get back to my case,” I say. “Take care and I’ll catch you later?” Chloe says goodbye and then leaves towards a room in the back that the public can’t get into. The elevator door slides shut. >out Before the Library It was really late. I walked home. It seems like I can’t put this off any longer. My place, well, it has a garage. It’s just a garage. Home It is so late. With my phone being busted, I realize I have no way of telling time. I always liked to call my sister after taking a case, too... Well, anyway, I lift the garage door to my place and scoot inside. After college, I really wanted to live downtown. I couldn’t afford it. Companies started renting out storage units in the city, some people lived in those. I couldn’t afford that, either. What I could afford was something 20 minutes from the heart of downtown. I’ve got 520 square feet and amenities like heat from the asphalt of the parking lot outside. There’s a sleeping bag on the floor. I’ve got a mini-fridge in one corner and a spigot in another. I have to keep the garage door cracked a little so that I don’t suffocate from carbon monoxide poisoning, according to the company I rent from. That’s fine, that’s OK. I press the remote and the A/C unit comes alive. Sweet! >*I mean could be worse Comment recorded. >x bag It’s maybe my nicest possession, it’s a Bison -40 degree bag. It doesn’t get that cold where I live, but it’s nice to be wrapped up snug in down. I’ve gone through goose feather bags before and inevitably they rip on me and you are picking feathers out of your teeth for the rest of the year. >l Home This garage is my little pad, my home. It’s not much, a little over 500 square feet. I have a sleeping bag in the middle. Water comes from a tap in one corner, and I constructed a sort of bathroom in the corner farthest from the garage door (which I have to keep open a little). Against my makeshift bathroom door is the A/C unit, which should now be working again. >x tap In my custom rigging of this garage, the spigot for making water turn on and off is actually a beer tap. This one says “Black Plague Pilsner” from some long-bankrupted local brewery. I feel like that beer didn’t take off because it’s difficult to pawn that off with that name on your significant other if you take a sip and decide you don’t like it. (Not because it’s named after a horrible pandemic from the filthiest time in human history, but because it’s a Pilsner, natch.) >turn on tap My thirst is still quite slaked from that Pibb Xtra. >* pilsner burn Comment recorded. >x bathroom I see nothing special about the bathroom. >x a/c I created it using a Mr. Wizard’s World video and some 3D-printed parts made on Thingiverse. Some of the parts are really standard, others are born of an engineering compromise most foul. >use bathroom The bathroom is not important. >turn on ac The temperature is fine right now. >sleep I quickly get ready, piling my possessions near the sleeping bag. I reconsider and grab the remote – it’s great to have a way to adjust the temp remotely now! I then get into it and drift off. I made it through another one of these. Home (in the sleeping bag) I feel something else in the room. Something not right. >exit It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >out It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >exit bag It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >stand It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >l Home (in the sleeping bag) My eyes haven’t adjusted. I think there’s something in here with me. What’s that sound? >listen Hissing? It’s hissing, isn’t it? >g It’s like the air being let out of tires, only I don’t own anything with tires. >g Was that a rattle? And now more hissing? And why so warm in here all of a sudden? It’s very warm and muggy in here; something isn’t right. >g There’s definitely a hissing sound coming from something alive, from all corners. >g There’s definitely a hissing sound coming from something alive, from all corners. >exit It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! Something is approaching. I don’t have much time. >open eyes Generally speaking, there is no need to refer to your body parts individually in interactive fiction. WEAR SHOES ON FEET will not necessarily be implemented, for instance; WEAR SHOES is enough. And unless you get some hint to the contrary, you probably cannot OPEN DOOR WITH FOOT or PUT THE SAPPHIRE RING IN MY MOUTH. >jump (first trying to get out of the sleeping bag) It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >i I am carrying a universal remote. They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: i Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >out It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: out Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: jump >undo One turn undone: open eyes >i I am carrying a universal remote. >get out of bag It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >turn on remote I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: turn on remote Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: get out of bag >undo One turn undone: i >turn off remote The universal remote isn’t switched on. >lower heat I don’t understand that command. >use remote I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: use remote Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: turn off remote >use removet I see no removet here. >use remote I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? >listen There’s definitely a hissing sound coming from something alive, from all corners. >* how do we get out of the bag? Comment recorded. >i I am carrying a universal remote. They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: i Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: listen >roll What do you want to push? >me Pushing I has no effect. >roll bag Pushing the sleeping bag has no effect. They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: roll bag Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >l Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: l Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: roll >undo One turn undone: use remote >i I am carrying a universal remote. >undo One turn undone: i >undo One turn undone: exit >undo One turn undone: listen > Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: listen >undo One turn undone: listen >undo One turn undone: listen >turn on remote The temperature is quite comfortable; no need to adjust it. >exit bag It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! It’s very warm and muggy in here; something isn’t right. >get out of bag It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >i I am carrying a universal remote. >turn on phone The cell phone is already switched on. Something is approaching. I don’t have much time. >run If you want to go somewhere, use one of the compass directions (NORTH, EAST, SW, W, S etc). From here I could go in. >in (first trying to get out of the sleeping bag) It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! >n (first trying to get out of the sleeping bag) It’s dark, it’s hot and something isn’t right; I’m not going anywhere! They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: n Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >help If you’re new to interactive fiction, you can type INSTRUCTIONS at the prompt for a full explanation of how to interact with the software and the story; for a brief introduction to playing this type of game type INTRO, or SAMPLE to show a short sample transcript. If you’re having trouble moving forward and need help solving a puzzle, type HINT. For more information specific to this story, type ABOUT. To see a list of names that were instrumental in making our story a reality type CREDITS . >hint (Warning: Some people don’t like built-in hints, since the temptation to ask for help prematurely can become overwhelming when hints are so close at hand. If you’re worried that your willpower won’t hold up, you can disable hints for the rest of this session by typing HINTS OFF. If you still want to see the hints now, type HINT.) >hint Done. >* Thought I was trying that Comment recorded. >undo One turn undone: in >undo One turn undone: run >undo One turn undone: turn on phone >lower heat I don’t understand that command. >use remote I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? Something is approaching. I don’t have much time. >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: use remote Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: i >turn off het I see no het here. >turn off heat (turn off head) Generally speaking, there is no need to refer to your body parts individually in interactive fiction. WEAR SHOES ON FEET will not necessarily be implemented, for instance; WEAR SHOES is enough. And unless you get some hint to the contrary, you probably cannot OPEN DOOR WITH FOOT or PUT THE SAPPHIRE RING IN MY MOUTH. >help If you’re new to interactive fiction, you can type INSTRUCTIONS at the prompt for a full explanation of how to interact with the software and the story; for a brief introduction to playing this type of game type INTRO, or SAMPLE to show a short sample transcript. If you’re having trouble moving forward and need help solving a puzzle, type HINT. For more information specific to this story, type ABOUT. To see a list of names that were instrumental in making our story a reality type CREDITS . >hint Done. >use remote I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? Something is approaching. I don’t have much time. >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? >g I lower the temp by a few degrees, but I’m distracted by that sound. What is that? They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: use remote Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: use remote >undo One turn undone: turn off head >undo One turn undone: get out of bag >undo One turn undone: exit bag >undo One turn undone: turn on remote >undo One turn undone: listen >look Home (in the sleeping bag) My eyes haven’t adjusted. I think there’s something in here with me. What’s that sound? >listen Hissing? It’s hissing, isn’t it? It’s very warm and muggy in here; something isn’t right. >look Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. The snakes are approaching. I don’t have much time. >press remote I stab at the remote’s temperature buttons like I’m trying to assassinate Caesar. I finally get the temperature down to 40 degrees Fahrenheit, and mercifully the next HISSSsss I hear is from my vents and not the giant snakes that got into my place. In my mind, the snakes all frowned horribly, cursed me and slunk away to warmer ground, the fiends. In my mind, they all gathered together around a fire pit, spitting and cursing the chain of events, asking what they can possibly do to sssslay the unkillable Jay Sssssssssschilling. I held the remote control closer than any kid ever held a teddy bear and fall asleep. Just another night as the world’s greatest private eye to be quite honest – my roommate freshman year always had to get up at night to piss due to his blood pressure pills; a one-time interruption of 40 hissing snakes is practically a stay-cation. It’s morning. The Yuck House I woke up later than intended and had “breakfast” at my favorite vegetarian joint that’s near an intersection where I can catch a cab. I wish taxis ran later than they did out here. I’m going to order a ride to the address I found yesterday in Amanda’s Facebook exchange. I can check it out to see if she had been there or not. If she hasn’t, it will help me establish a timeline. >* Felt like that could have gone smoother -- once I knew I was surrounded by snakes not sure the second LOOK should be needed Comment recorded. >l The Yuck House It’s empty. There’s never anyone in here, possibly because they only play Starship songs, but probably because they aren’t kidding about being vegetarian. >* Hey! Comment recorded. >out Jay Schilling in a Cab It takes a couple attempts, but I find a cabbie who’s heard of the address in the suburbs that I’m trying to get to. I swear the first guy was punching in a route that was going to take us through the ISS. I’m in the backseat. I look up and we make eye contact – I should probably say something. They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >* Err something went wrong “* Err something went wrong” was not one of the options. Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: out The Yuck House It’s empty. There’s never anyone in here, possibly because they only play Starship songs, but probably because they aren’t kidding about being vegetarian. >z Time passes. They strike. Not all of them at once, and they don’t all immediately get through the bag. Hot blood coursing through their veins, I don’t even really get a good look at them, they just start springing and striking. They rip through the bag. Feathers fly everywhere - I remember being very cross about that, they had said that it wasn’t filled with feathers - and the snakes easily fill me with venom and start to eat portions of my body. Everything goes black. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] *** I had never even seen snakes around here before and now there are like a hundred - someone did this, someone did this to me!! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >undo One turn undone: z The Yuck House It’s empty. There’s never anyone in here, possibly because they only play Starship songs, but probably because they aren’t kidding about being vegetarian. >undo One turn undone: l >undo One turn undone: press remote >undo One turn undone: look >undo One turn undone: listen >undo One turn undone: look >undo One turn undone: l >undo One turn undone: stand >und (undo) One turn undone: exit bag >undo One turn undone: out >und (undo) One turn undone: exit >undo One turn undone: sleep >undo One turn undone: turn on ac >sleep I quickly get ready, piling my possessions near the sleeping bag. I reconsider and grab the remote – it’s great to have a way to adjust the temp remotely now! I then get into it and drift off. I made it through another one of these. Home (in the sleeping bag) I feel something else in the room. Something not right. >loook (look) Home (in the sleeping bag) My eyes haven’t adjusted. I think there’s something in here with me. What’s that sound? >listen Hissing? It’s hissing, isn’t it? >look Home (in the sleeping bag) I see them now. I’m within my mattress surrounded by snakes. I can’t make out how many, but they’re everywhere, I feel them and can hear them on all sides. >press remote I stab at the remote’s temperature buttons like I’m trying to assassinate Caesar. I finally get the temperature down to 40 degrees Fahrenheit, and mercifully the next HISSSsss I hear is from my vents and not the giant snakes that got into my place. In my mind, the snakes all frowned horribly, cursed me and slunk away to warmer ground, the fiends. In my mind, they all gathered together around a fire pit, spitting and cursing the chain of events, asking what they can possibly do to sssslay the unkillable Jay Sssssssssschilling. I held the remote control closer than any kid ever held a teddy bear and fall asleep. Just another night as the world’s greatest private eye to be quite honest – my roommate freshman year always had to get up at night to piss due to his blood pressure pills; a one-time interruption of 40 hissing snakes is practically a stay-cation. It’s morning. The Yuck House I woke up later than intended and had “breakfast” at my favorite vegetarian joint that’s near an intersection where I can catch a cab. I wish taxis ran later than they did out here. I’m going to order a ride to the address I found yesterday in Amanda’s Facebook exchange. I can check it out to see if she had been there or not. If she hasn’t, it will help me establish a timeline. >out Jay Schilling in a Cab It takes a couple attempts, but I find a cabbie who’s heard of the address in the suburbs that I’m trying to get to. I swear the first guy was punching in a route that was going to take us through the ISS. I’m in the backseat. I look up and we make eye contact – I should probably say something. (I could try small talk or ask about the radio station) >make small talk I see no small talk here. >a radio “Yeah, my antenna’s a little screwed up,” he says. “I can only get the rock station, and apparently it’s Starship Saturday.” He starts humming “We Built This City.” He looks at me through the rear view mirror and assumes I dislike the tunes. “Comfy back there? Good thing for me this ain’t an Uber, huh pal? Ha ha ha!” (I could try small talk) >a small talk He doesn’t respond, but does give his radio another whack. >l Jay Schilling in a Cab It’s nice - it’s clean, it’s better-preserved than any car I might have. This is the nicest vehicle I’ve been inside of in ages. The air conditioner works... this is pleasant. The cabbie is in the front, banging on his radio. (I could try small talk) >a small talk He doesn’t respond, but does give his radio another whack. >try small talk I got about two syllables in before the cabbie took it the rest of the way. “So Nixon and Goldwater,” he says, “those are the two guys that you never hear about that played the biggest part in 9/11.” For the first time all day I sit back, relax and enjoy the history lesson. The rest of the ride goes by in a flash. I get out of the cab. The driver doesn’t bother to ask if he wants me to wait for him, which is fine because he was hinting at indicating that his next verbal essay was about Spiro Agnew and Tower 7. Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. >* "for the first time all day" doesn't make a ton of sense since it's first thing in the morning. Comment recorded. >x trees The pines stretch toward the clouds, obscuring my view of the surrounding landscape. >x driveway The long, winding driveway curves south toward the main road. >x windows The windows look locked, but also that thing where the person who painted the windows painted them shut happened. I don’t think I can open them from here. >x house The sturdy front door is made up of faded, wooden planks, adding to the rustic look of the house. >x chair It’s a large rocking chair, crisply painted in white. >x goblin The grotesque mountain goblin stands there, spear in hand, with a repurposed rag covering tufts of greasy hair. A small button protrudes from its back. >* huh? Comment recorded. >save Saved. >x button The small button protrudes from the back of the goblin. >x spear The workmanship is impressive. >take spear The spear is not important. >push button The goblin’s mouth snaps open, revealing a small key. >take key Taken. >x it An ordinary house key. >l Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. The daily newspaper leans against the front door. >x newspaper It’s the Daily Observer. >read it (first taking the newspaper) I take a brief glance at the paper to make sure that I didn’t make it. That’s the only way you lose in this country any more, being the media’s Main Character in a given day. Luckily for me it’s another day in delightful obscurity. >g I’m still not mentioned anywhere. >open door (first unlocking the house door with the small brass key) Opened. >in Before entering, I place the key back in the goblin and push the button one final time, watching his jaw snap shut. I cross the threshold into the house and let the door swing shut, where it locks itself. “I wish we had the self-locking technology in the city where we could use it,” I think to myself before realizing that I am the intruder here, so maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental. Inside the Cabin It’s plainly decorated in here, somewhat boringly so, but the fact that I effectively broke into this place gives it an element of excitement. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick and there is a Persian rug on the floor. The place wouldn’t look any different from 1860 to now with the exception of the color television along the east wall and original Nintendo console – the NES – hooked to it. Rising from a curled-up slumber as I enter is a little beagle. The beagle turns her head toward her doggie door and then back at me and decides I’m not a threat and goes back to sleep. A beagle is curled up in her bed, snoring away. >pet beagle I give the dog some friendly pats. “G-good doggie, good doggie,” I say. I feel calmer. The beagle twitches in her sleep. >* I like all the pets Comment recorded. >x beagle The beagle is a really cute dog, with short brown and black hair. She is fast asleep and snoring lightly. Around her neck is an ID tag. The soothing sound of a snore fills the room. >x tag The precious metal in the tag would sustain the family of the apprentice silversmith who designed it for a month. There is writing on it. >take it The ID tag is fixed in place on the beagle’s collar. >read it The tag reads, “RAISA VLADLENA RASPUTINA” and below that, in thick Comic Sans, “Raisin” >8 huh I don’t understand that command. >l Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick and there is a Persian rug on the floor. There is a television here and hooked up to the television is a Nintendo Entertainment System. Raisin is curled up in her bed, snoring away. A faint snort is barely heard. >x walls I see no walls here. >x fireplace One thing I like to do is take a look up fireplaces and see how fat Santa could be if he were to try to climb down it. Honestly, this fireplace is pretty big considering how small the house is, this is easily a “late-season SNL Chris Farley.” (I also inspected it for bats – no bats.) A light snore is heard. >x candlesticks They are empty. They look exactly the same. I don’t know. They seem wiggly. >x rug It’s huge and dominates the floor plan of the room. It has two outside rectangles along the border with a reddish, brownish pattern. Almost like the eyes of the illuminati repeated every eight inches or so. Inside these rectangles are diamonds in a 2-1 2-1 2-1 pattern. These patterns have a bit of a regal shape to them. (I say “regal,” confident that Persia once had queens, I guess.) Now that I focus on the illuminati pattern a bit more, the rug appears to be covering something up. >move rug Oh dear. I’ve clearly not done a good job talking about myself and what I am capable of. I am nowhere near strong enough to move a giant rug. >look under rug Oh dear. I’ve clearly not done a good job talking about myself and what I am capable of. I am nowhere near strong enough to move a giant rug. >* huh Comment recorded. >x me I am wearing a studded leather jacket to go with black jeans and charcoal colored boots. I recently got a haircut and think I look okay. I am probably a sweaty mess, because of the pressure. >l Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick and there is a Persian rug on the floor. There is a television here and hooked up to the television is a Nintendo Entertainment System. Raisin is curled up in her bed, snoring away. The beagle awakes for a moment and licks a patch of skin on her hindquarters. She falls back asleep quickly. >x tv The television is a 70s-era Zenith. I’m going to assume it’s a color TV because if someone was forced to play Nintendo games in black and white there’d be a body with a self-inflicted gunshot wound here. The only odd thing is that the extension cord for the television is much, much longer than one might have guessed. Just by a bit. >x new I see no new here. >x nes Physically, it would appear to be 10” wide by 8” length and anywhere from 3” to 5” high depending on if it is open or not. It’s colored two shades of gray. Stylin’. It is closed. Next to the NES is a cartridge. A soft snoring sound lightly drifts my way. >x cartridge It is something called “Animal Grove.” >open nes Opened. >x nes Physically, it would appear to be 10” wide by 8” length and anywhere from 3” to 5” high depending on if it is open or not. It’s colored two shades of gray. Stylin’. >put cartridge in new I see no new here. >put cartridge in nes (first taking the cartridge) Though meant to be a zero-insertion-force application, I have to use a tiny bit of force to get the cartridge inside the NES. Nevertheless: done. A choked snore is briefly heard. >close nes Done. >turn on nes Nothing happens so I turn it back off. >turn on tv I turn the TV on. It’s just showing static. >turn on nes With the cartridge inside, I see really weird and distorted colors. It didn’t boot successfully. I’m 100% sure it is not meant to function like this. A light snore is heard. >reset nes (greet nes) There’s no point trying to talk to the NES. A faint snort is barely heard. >open nes Opening the NES reveals a cartridge. The beagle twitches in her sleep. >take cartridge I can’t do that unless the Nintendo is off. >turn off nintendo Done. >take cartridge Taken. >blow on it I give Animal Grove here the night of its life. Consider it blown. >put cartridge in nes Though meant to be a zero-insertion-force application, I have to use a tiny bit of force to get the cartridge inside the NES. Nevertheless: done. >close nes Done. >turn on nes Something amazing happens. Not just that this game called Animal Grove came up. I mean, that’s awesome, but I now realize that there are no gamepads around for the Nintendo, so I can’t actually play it. However, in the corner of my eye, I see the Persian rug fall completely out of view: a trap door has opened, leading via stairs downwards into darkness. Raisin briefly awakens but appears to go back to sleep. >* huh Comment recorded. >l Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. The TV and NES are on, casting a beautiful white glow for the title screen of the game perpendicular to the stairs. Raisin is curled up in her bed, snoring away. >u I can’t go that way. From here I could go down or out. >ne I can’t go that way. From here I could go down or out. >d I descend down the stairs into darkness. One step at a time, with suddenly each one creaking more than the last. The sounds seem to come from all directions until I realize that the beagle has found all of this interesting and woke up, producing a loud yawn. Basement (in the dark) It’s extremely dark here, only an achingly small sliver of light coming from the TV upstairs. I can’t really see anything, but I am positive that there is a light switch nearby that I could flip. Arriving a few moments later is Raisin. >flip switch Okay, there’s no light switch. Hmm. Well, that just means that there has to be a string dangling in front of me that I could pull to illuminate the basement. Raisin is currently sniffing the surrounding area. >pull string After waving my hands around, I gotta admit there doesn’t seem to be a cord. Fair enough, the light switch is probably connected to The Clapper, a device that listens for claps and will then trigger the lights to brighten. >clap I’ve actually clapped ten times just now and... nothing. I’m out of ideas and I can’t see anything. Raisin looks at me in desperation. Raisin waddles over to me to give me a sniff. >pet raisin I reach down and give her back a quick scratch. >i I am wearing a jacket, and carrying a newspaper. Raisin, apparently deciding I don’t need help goes back to sniffing the area. >smell I smell nothing out of the ordinary. Raisin peers at me suspiciously. >pet raisin Raisin smiles up at me as I stroke the top of her head. Raisin quietly watches my actions. >talk to raisin “Hey girl,” I utter to Raisin. Raisin cocks her head. >raisin, help Only the player can carry out that kind of command. >l Basement (in the dark) It’s extremely dark here, only an achingly small sliver of light coming from the TV upstairs. I can’t really see anything, but I am positive that there is a light source somewhere. Raisin sniffs the air. >feel floor The ground is not important. >feel walls The bricks are not important. Raisin wags her tail at me. >feel around I see no around here. >e It’s too dark to see where I’m going. From here I could go up. Raisin yawns. >w It’s too dark to see where I’m going. From here I could go up. >grope darkness I don’t understand that command. >step on switch I don’t understand that command. >* You know, like one of those lamps with a button-switch that you step on? Comment recorded. >l Basement (in the dark) It’s extremely dark here, only an achingly small sliver of light coming from the TV upstairs. I can’t really see anything, but I am positive that there is a light source somewhere. Raisin is by my feet, inspecting the area. >i I am wearing a jacket, and carrying a newspaper. Raisin satisfies an itch. >burn newspaper I cannot burn the newspaper. Sitting quietly, Raisin surveys her surroundings. >u I slowly climb back up. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. The TV and NES are on, casting a beautiful white glow for the title screen of the game perpendicular to the stairs. I look over to see Raisin meander toward me. Deciding that the area is free of new sniffs, Raisin takes a seat. >take candlestick They’re firmly attached to the wall, but I think they turn? >turn candlestick I pull on the candlestick and I instantly can tell that something is different. It’s tough to explain - there was a red light somewhere in the room that I only noticed when the candlestick turned it off. >d I descend down the stairs into darkness. Basement (in the dark) It’s extremely dark here, only an achingly small sliver of light coming from the TV upstairs. I can’t really see anything, but I am positive that there is a light source somewhere. Catching up to me is Raisin. >u I slowly climb back up. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. The TV and NES are on, casting a beautiful white glow for the title screen of the game perpendicular to the stairs. Raisin pads up to me. >x fireplace Definitely Chris Farley big. >play game I don’t understand that command. >turn candlestick The light comes on again. I see it plainly now, there is a very, very tiny little opening in the ceiling in one corner. A red light is now visible from it. Raisin produces a silent yawn. >x red light I assume it’s an infrared camera. There isn’t the faintest piece of equipment that I think would go to it and I can’t get up there to manipulate it. >g I assume it’s an infrared camera. There isn’t the faintest piece of equipment that I think would go to it and I can’t get up there to manipulate it. >turn candlestick Click. The red light is off. Raisin wags her tail at me. >g Click. The red light is on. >i I am wearing a jacket, and carrying a newspaper. Raisin is currently sniffing the surrounding area. >d I descend down the stairs into darkness. Basement (in the dark) It’s extremely dark here, only an achingly small sliver of light coming from the TV upstairs. I can’t really see anything, but I am positive that there is a light source somewhere. Raisin follows behind me. Raisin is by my feet, inspecting the area. >u I slowly climb back up. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. The TV and NES are on, casting a beautiful white glow for the title screen of the game perpendicular to the stairs. Raisin catches up to me. Deciding that the area is free of new sniffs, Raisin takes a seat. >put newspaper on light The infrared camera is too far away. >throw newspaper at light The infrared camera is too far away. Raisin yawns. >l Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. The TV and NES are on, casting a beautiful white glow for the title screen of the game perpendicular to the stairs. Raisin quietly watches my actions. >ne I can’t go that way. From here I could go down or out. >out (first opening the front door) Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. The click reminds you that the auto-lock engaged on the door. Raisin pads up to me. Raisin satisfies an itch. >e I can’t go that way. From here I could go in. >x chair It’s a large rocking chair, crisply painted in white. Raisin produces a silent yawn. >sit in chair I settle down gingerly in the rocking chair, remembering a time when I was four and I rocked my way off the porch and had to go to the hospital. >rock (the white rocking chair) The chair might be rocking serenely, but all I really hear is the EEEE-oooo- EEEE-ooo of an ambulance of a former time. >g (the white rocking chair) The chair might be rocking serenely, but all I really hear is the EEEE-oooo- EEEE-ooo of an ambulance of a former time. >stand Okay, I get off the white rocking chair. Raisin, apparently deciding I don’t need help goes back to sniffing the area. >l Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. Raisin sniffs the air. >pet raisin Raisin responds with joy! >take goblin I decide to leave it alone. >push button The goblin’s mouth snaps open, revealing a small key. Sitting quietly, Raisin surveys her surroundings. >take key Taken. >in (first unlocking the house door with the small brass key) Before entering, I place the key back in the goblin and push the button one final time, watching his jaw snap shut. I cross the threshold into the house and let the door swing shut, where it locks itself. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. The TV and NES are on, casting a beautiful white glow for the title screen of the game perpendicular to the stairs. Catching up to me is Raisin. Raisin waddles over to me to give me a sniff. >enter fireplace Even though I suspect no bats, I don’t think so. >turn off t (turn off it) The fireplace is not important. Raisin peers at me suspiciously. >turn off tv Done. >d I descend down the stairs into darkness. Basement (in the dark) It’s extremely dark here, only an achingly small sliver of light coming from upstairs. I can’t really see anything, but I am positive that there is a light source somewhere. Raisin catches up to me. >* Hmm there's an IR camera, do I need to use that to see? Comment recorded. >u I slowly climb back up. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. A staircase leads down into a basement. Raisin follows behind me. >x camera I assume it’s an infrared camera. There isn’t the faintest piece of equipment that I think would go to it and I can’t get up there to manipulate it. Deciding that the area is free of new sniffs, Raisin takes a seat. >turn candlestick Click. The red light is off. >g Click. The red light is on. >x nes Physically, it would appear to be 10” wide by 8” length and anywhere from 3” to 5” high depending on if it is open or not. It’s colored two shades of gray. Stylin’. >turn off nes Done. >z Time passes. Raisin peers at me suspiciously. >x tv The TV is turned off. The extension cord for the television is much, much longer than one might have guessed. Just by a bit. >turn on tv I turn the TV on. It’s just showing static. Raisin sniffs the air. >x cord The extension cord to the television is like twenty feet long. It’s longer than the actual room is. Raisin satisfies an itch. >take cord It’s rather long and firmly attached at both ends. That’s odd. >* huh Comment recorded. >take tv I attempt to position the TV so the light from the screen will let me see what’s going on downstairs. Unfortunately, I teeter it a little too close to the edge and it falls down the stairs, one by one. It hits one at a time at first and then sort of hits the stairs exponentially. It does manage to crash and implode onto a power strip on the floor, switching it on and providing light downstairs. Raisin, apparently deciding I don’t need help goes back to sniffing the area. >* well, there you go Comment recorded. >d I walk down the stairs. Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. Raisin has descended the stairs and joins me. >x walls I see nothing special about the bricks. >x table Looking at the table makes it obvious that it has been placed in front of a small wooden door. Scratch marks on the floor makes me think the table has been frequently moved allowing access to the door. Raisin waddles over to me to give me a sniff. >move table I can’t move it, it’s bolted to the wall. Raisin quietly watches my actions. >x lathe Okay, to be honest, I am not entirely sure what a lathe is. So this could be a lathe that does lathe things or it could be an industrial grinder, sander, welder or T-removing machine. I don’t know. My instinct is to leave it alone until I know what it’s for. I’m already giving it too much thought. Placed on the lathe, though, is a small earbud. Raisin wags her tail at me. >x earbud It’s small and looks somewhat complicated. Raisin is by my feet, inspecting the area. >take it Taken. I notice it has very small engraved writing on it. >read it It seems to say “Pet Machine.” >wear it I place the bud inside my ear and the freaking thing almost immediately goes into my canal. So now I’ve got two problems. I involuntarily start digging at it with my index finger. It’s hopeless, I can’t get it out. Nnnnngh. Sitting quietly, Raisin surveys her surroundings. >turn on bud The Pet Machine can’t be switched on and off. Raisin yawns. >pen raisin (open raisin) Raisin is not something I can open. Raisin produces a silent yawn. >talk to raisin “Hey girl,” I utter to Raisin. Raisin produces a silent yawn. >pet raisin Raisin wags her tail energetically as I scratch behind her ear. >l Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. There are stairs leading up. >x door It’s painted white by one of those guys that paints over door hinges. Looks awful, I’m sure trying to open it will be the part for me where I test my might. Never forget that the like sixth title given to contractors in their professional career, the place they get to after many years is that of simply, “invested homeowner.” >open it I give it a hearty, manly pull, but the wooden table is in the way. Raisin is currently sniffing the surrounding area. >push table I can’t move it, it’s bolted to the wall. >x bolts The bolt is keeping the table in place, preventing me from opening the door behind it. What could be back there? >use lathe I don’t recognize the command USE, because it’s a bit too vague; please be more specific about what you want to do. >x lathe Okay, to be honest, I am not entirely sure what a lathe is. So this could be a lathe that does lathe things or it could be an industrial grinder, sander, welder or T-removing machine. I don’t know. I do kind of notice that it has a panel on the front that can be opened. >turn on lathe Okay, to be honest, I am not entirely sure what a lathe is. So this could be a lathe that does lathe things or it could be an industrial grinder, sander, welder or T-removing machine. I don’t know. I do kind of notice that it has a panel on the front that can be opened. > Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. There are stairs leading up. Raisin waddles over to me to give me a sniff. >open panel I am able to open the panel on the lathe! Thank goodness. And I see tools: a screwdriver, a wrench that should be perfect for removing bolts, a can of eggshell paint and a can of acetone. Raisin yawns. >take all I take the wrench, the screwdriver, the can of acetone, and the paint can. >remove bolt (with the wrench) It’s not budging. Christ, it’s like the bolt is glued in place. Deciding that the area is free of new sniffs, Raisin takes a seat. >put acetone on bolt (pouring the acetone on the bolt) There isn’t much acetone left, but it has the effect of loosening the bolt a bit. Raisin is by my feet, inspecting the area. >remove bolt (with the wrench) Rock and roll! The bolt comes out easily. I throw it into a corner of the basement where it will never, ever be found. Raisin satisfies an itch. >move table Freeing up my hands, I toss my possessions on the table. It’s pretty heavy and while the events of the last few days have really given me a lot of definition, I’m not going to lie - I’m able to drag it on literally one leg at a time and it makes a sound like HHARRNNNNNNNGHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR NNNGHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH Huhhh EEEEEE huhhhh EEEEE (okay, that’s me panting) HHAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRNNNNNN But I do get it like ten inches away from the door and I can now open it. Score! Raisin produces a silent yawn. >open door Opened. >* Was expecting a little more! Comment recorded. >in I walk through into darkness and immediately stumble because it’s so relatively dark. Small room Okay, there is a little bit of light that is coming through a small window to the west. It’s brick on all sides just like the previous room, but red brick, completely unpainted. In the corner is a metal stand, fixed into the floor. A covered cage hangs from a hook on the stand. I am really, really hoping that underneath that cover is not Amanda’s disembodied head. Arriving a few moments later is Raisin. >out Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. There are stairs leading up. On the table I see a can of acetone, a paint can, a screwdriver, and a wrench. I look over to see Raisin meander toward me. >x power strip The little light on it to indicate that is working is kind of flickering. I’m sure that’s harmless. It seems fine. >take all I take the newspaper, the wrench, the screwdriver, the can of acetone, and the paint can. >in I walk through and immediately stumble because it’s so relatively dark. Small room Okay, there is a little bit of light that is coming through a small window to the west. It’s brick on all sides just like the previous room, but red brick, completely unpainted. In the corner is a metal stand, fixed into the floor. A covered cage hangs from a hook on the stand. Raisin catches up to me. >x window The window is smaller than the size of the basement window in the minds of the “Burke did it” morons at the Ramsay’s house. >open it The small window is not something I can open. >x stand The stand is quite large and fixed to the floor. >turn stand The stand is not important. Sitting quietly, Raisin surveys her surroundings. >push stand The stand is not important. >stand on stand The stand is not important. Raisin sniffs the air. >stand by me I don’t understand that command. >stand by your man I don’t understand that command. >stand back I don’t understand that command. >the stand I don’t understand that command. >Stephen King's the Stand I don’t understand that command. >Stand and deliver I don’t understand that command. >try and make an honest stand I don’t understand that command. >down in jungleland I don’t understand that command. >[sax solo] I don’t understand that command. >* OK I'll stop Comment recorded. >l Small room Okay, there is a little bit of light that is coming through a small window to the west. It’s brick on all sides just like the previous room, but red brick, completely unpainted. In the corner is a metal stand, fixed into the floor. A covered cage hangs from a hook on the stand. Raisin quietly watches my actions. >x cage Well, it has a cover on it, so technically I can’t really describe the bird cage yet. >remove cover Well, I remove it and set it down. I don’t have enough hands to carry it around with me. Removing the cover reveals a crimson eclectus parrot, sitting carefully. “Let me out,” it says. Raisin wags her tail at me. >x parrot The parrot is in the cage, peering at me. The parrot balances on one foot and then another on its perch. “Let me out, let me out.” >talk to parrot “Hi, p-parrot,” I say. I’m hoping it’s one of those parrots that know how to talk. Sure it knows how to say hello! But no, the parrot just blinks at me. I sigh. Stuck at the bottom of a basement and I find a really cool parrot and it won’t speak to me. Raisin peers at me suspiciously. The parrot sees me not letting him out, and then asks again for me to let him out. >open cage I gingerly open the cage and the parrot quickly escapes! He flies about the small room as best he can. He starts circling around me. “Put out your arm,” he says. That’s pretty advanced for a parrot, I think to myself. I slowly extend my left arm. The parrot comes to rest on my forearm, right in the middle between my wrist and elbow. “You have no idea what you put in your ear, do you?,” he says. “Hey, Raisin!” screeches the parrot. “He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know!” Okay, this is odd but there’s probably a good explanation for it. “No,” says Raisin, the beagle, who had padded up to me. “He doesn’t.” Now I’m freaking out. A talking dog? “A talking dog?” I repeat, like an idiot. The parrot then flits away and gracefully lands on the small window sill. “So, Raisin and I are curious,” says the parrot. “Are you with the police or something?” Okay, that’s way too advanced for a parrot. What is - one sec. “What is going on?” I say. “What is going on??” mocks the parrot. Okay, now I think it’s screwing with me. “He might be the only help we get,” says the beagle. “This is,” starts the parrot, “This is why I always encouraged others in my species to not just give the pleasure of our voices away. Yes, a talking dog and I can talk too. You have the Pet Machine in your head, just like Raisin and myself. Appears there was plenty of room, too, not a whole lot in that skull of yours taken up by brain.” “Did you know that by pure concentrated mass, after drying, the human being has one of the smallest brains of all mammals?” says the beagle to the parrot. “Now hang on, that’s not right,” I say. “I’m s-sure that’s not right. What the hell. Pet Machine? I thought that was an earbud. I was trying to listen to tunes in this god-forsaken boring hellhole dump of a house.” “Hey!” says the beagle. “This is our home, you know,” says the parrot. “What makes your place so great, what, you got an easy-to-power-on Wii?” “My name is Jay, Jay Schilling,” I say to two animals(!). “Okay, you’re Raisin,” I say nodding at the beagle, “but what should I call you?” “My name is Arnold,” says the parrot. “And look, we know you’re here looking for the human woman. Amanda. We’re aligned with that and we can help you. We know things. We’re not stupid.” (I could ask about the Pet Machine, ask about the owner of this house, ask about the cabin or ask about Amanda) >a raisin Arnold’s voice goes really low and soft. “She’s a good dog, mate.” (I could ask about the Pet Machine, ask about the owner of this house, ask about the cabin or ask about Amanda) >x arnold He is a deep crimson in color, primarily, although his wings and lower torso are a stunning Oxford blue. He’s about a foot in length. His beak comes to a sharp curve, like the curve of me trying to learn anything. He has intelligent eyes that give me constant friendly blinks. Arnold looks at me expectantly. Arnold cocks his head in my direction waiting for me to talk. (I could ask about the Pet Machine, ask about the owner of this house, ask about the cabin or ask about Amanda) >a arnold “I’m pretty great,” says Arnold. “Look at this wingspan. Handsome. Oh, and – ” Arnold holds out a claw towards me. “Perfect for grasping and clutching things really well, like cellular phones. Idiot.” (I could ask about the Pet Machine, ask about the owner of this house, ask about the cabin or ask about Amanda) >a owner “Oh yes. The bad man,” says the parrot. “Why is he bad? Did he hurt you? Did he hurt the b-beagle?” “Worse!” exclaims Arnold. “What could be worse than that?” I asked. “His shoes! His constant clacking, toe-tapping shoes! We could never sleep!” “It’s true,” adds Raisin. “Arnold is correct. He abducted us both and I haven’t had a good uninterrupted sleep-in since.” (I could ask about the cabin, ask about the Pet Machine or ask about Amanda) >a phone Arnold just blinks and tilts his head toward me. They both look at me expectantly. (I could ask about the cabin, ask about the Pet Machine or ask about Amanda) >x cabin I see no cabin here. >a cabin “It should be in pretty clean shape. Humans are filthy. We don’t particularly need you messing it up.” Well, I hope Arnold the parrot doesn’t discover what I did to the TV. “What are you talking about? I’m not filthy, I’m really clean.” “Your disease was everywhere. It spanned the globe. It was all anyone talked about. Baaaaahp!” The parrot flaps its wings. “No, we fixed that. They found a cure and the rest of the world got it a couple weeks later. Here in the States, we got our vaccines mailed to us three months after that because the President had to sign his name on each syringe. But look, they showed up, okay? I injected mine at a bar with my friends. We celebrated by each sticking a straw in one of those big blue globe rum drinks.” I leave the part out where all of us were stricken with mono because of that as it strengthens the bird’s argument and weakens mine. (I could ask about the Pet Machine or ask about Amanda) >* eeek Comment recorded. >a machine “I mean,” says Arnold, “I can already speak to parrots, so for me this is just another day where there’s plentiful conversation with the most beautiful species in the history of the planet. For you, this must be the greatest thing that ever happened to you.” I shrug and give him that one. “I mean, there’s an equal chance I’m actually in the process of stroking out, and my brain decided to say goodbye to me by showing me talking animals.” “Makes sense, then,” says Arnold, “that it would be animals and not girls, since your brain wants to give you the realistic comfort of something that would actually talk to you! Braaaaaaaaaaap!!!” Arnold takes a flighty lap around the room to add an exclamation mark to his own joke, which is humiliating enough, but even the dog’s tail started wagging at that one. (I could ask about Amanda) >a amanda “Hey, my job is to find a woman named Amanda. That’s why I broke into the house. Has there been a woman hanging around here at all?” I’m still not slightly convinced that this is real. “See any chicks, Arnold?” The parrot blinks twice. “Yes. Yessirree, indeed we have. There was a woman that was here, and against her will, too. Are you trying to find her so you can hurt her?” Whoa, that’s the same question I asked my client! So this is what it feels like. “I asked that same question to the person who hired me. Nobody is trying to hurt her. She’s missing, that’s all.” “She’s not missing,” says Arnold the parrot. “Do you know where she is?” I asked. “Well, no. But I’ve seen her.” “Great,” I said. “I’ll lump you in with her other 600 Facebook friends.” The parrot flapped his wings once at that. “She was here a few hours ago but was taken away.” “Whoa!” I said. “By who?” “The Mean Person.” Arnold doesn’t elaborate. (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >a mean “Oh yes. The bad man,” says the parrot. “Why is he bad? Did he hurt you? Did he hurt the b-beagle?” “Worse!” exclaims Arnold. “What could be worse than that?” I asked. “His shoes! His constant clacking, toe-tapping shoes! We could never sleep!” “It’s true,” adds Raisin. “Arnold is correct. He abducted us both and I haven’t had a good uninterrupted sleep-in since.” (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >a amanda “Can you tell me the last time you saw Amanda?” I ask the parrot. “She was here but not for very long,” he says. “Was she brought here against her will?” “No.” The parrot blinks its eyes. “She came here on her own and Mr. Winstone turned mean to her. He is the bad man and they left together.” That’s not good. (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >a winstone The parrot just blinks and tilts his head toward me. (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >a amanda “Can you tell me the last time you saw Amanda?” I ask the parrot. “She was here but not for very long,” he says. “Was she brought here against her will?” “No.” The parrot blinks its eyes. “She came here on her own and Mr. Winstone turned mean to her. He is the bad man and they left together.” That’s not good. (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >ask raisin about winstone Raisin does not respond. Raisin looks up at me waiting for me to speak. (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >ask raisin about amandda Raisin does not respond. Arnold cocks his head in my direction waiting for me to talk. (I could ask Raisin about Amanda) >ask raisin about amanda The beagle’s tail starts wagging very quickly. “She is a kind person,” says Raisin. “Her shampoo is from the Herbal Essences Smooth Collection. She wears a hint of perfume, less than most humans, but the name of it is True Love by Elizabeth Arden. She wasn’t in this house for very long, and judging by what I can detect she left here three days ago.” Now Raisin’s tail really starts wagging. “There are items I can show you outside the house if you’re trying to find her, which I suppose you are.” They both look at me expectantly. (I could ask Raisin about those items) >a items “I don’t know what they were,” says Arnold, “But maybe leave them alone you light-fingered little primate?” “I’m trying to help her and solve this case!” I exclaim. “Don’t raise your voice with me.” Arnold somehow manages to make a “tut-tut” sound at me of disapproval. “Fine, let’s find them. But don’t ask me to dig. I do not do ‘blue collar work.’” “Or any work,” I mutter, hoping parrot ears aren’t that sensitive, but they probably are. (I could ask Raisin about those items) >a items “I don’t know what they were,” says Arnold, “But maybe leave them alone you light-fingered little primate?” “I’m trying to help her and solve this case!” I exclaim. “Don’t raise your voice with me.” Arnold somehow manages to make a “tut-tut” sound at me of disapproval. “Fine, let’s find them. But don’t ask me to dig. I do not do ‘blue collar work.’” “Or any work,” I mutter, hoping parrot ears aren’t that sensitive, but they probably are. (I could ask Raisin about those items) >ask raisin about items “Okay, let me take you to the items.” “I guess I should go see what Raisin found!” I say to Arnold, ending our conversation. He nods back. Raisin leaves the room. Arnold watches her leave and then turns to me expectantly. >u I can’t go that way. From here I could go east. I’m not talking to anyone. >s I can’t go that way. From here I could go east. “I guess I should go see what Raisin found!” I say to Arnold, ending our conversation. He nods back. >e Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. There are stairs leading up. >u I slowly climb back up. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. A staircase leads down into a basement. Tucked in the southwest corner of the room is an automatic doggie-door. >sw I can’t fit through Raisin’s door. >out (first opening the front door) Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. The click reminds you that the auto-lock engaged on the door. Raisin wags her tail and then darts off the porch toward an empty field. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. >follow raisin I head after her. Field This is a long expanse of shrubland, extending far to the north, northwest and northeast. I would think trying to travel in those directions alone would be futile. There’s a good amount of vegetation around but it’s all seemingly clinging to life in the low-precipitation weeks we’ve had recently. “We should have Arnold with us!” exclaims Raisin. >back (going southwest) I head back toward the cabin. Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. >in Knowing the routine, I quickly grab the key from the goblin and unlock the door. Before entering, I place the key back in the goblin and push the button one final time, watching his jaw snap shut. I cross the threshold into the house and let the door swing shut, where it locks itself. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. A staircase leads down into a basement. Tucked in the southwest corner of the room is an automatic doggie-door. >d I walk down the stairs. Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. There are stairs leading up. >e I can’t go that way. From here I could go west or up. >w I walk through and immediately stumble because it’s so relatively dark. Small room Okay, there is a little bit of light that is coming through a small window to the west. It’s brick on all sides just like the previous room, but red brick, completely unpainted. In the corner is a metal stand, fixed into the floor. A large bird cage hangs off the stand, its cover discarded near the base. Arnold, the red parrot, is sitting on the window sill, far from me as possible. Even though he has a bill (I think? You get the ornitholo-gist of what I mean, I hope) and not, like, a mouth, he is still managing to give me a McKayla Maroney “Not Impressed” Face. Arnold’s beak turns slightly, waiting for me to speak. >take arnold “Be gentle!” says Arnold as he flits onto my shoulder. >e Basement Unlike the television, the basement isn’t finished. The four walls are made up of brick that’s been sloppily painted eggshell-white. There is a work table that has been bolted into the far corner of this room, also painted white, but in that way where the painter painted over the bolts, so you know they did a good job and used the good paint. Opposite of that, in the, ah, other far corner is what I assume is an industrial lathe. Arnold looks at the shattered remains of the television and just shakes his head. There are stairs leading up. >u I slowly climb back up. Inside the Cabin I am within a log cabin. All four walls give off a log cabin vibe, though the northeast corner is brick due to the fireplace. Each wall has an iron candlestick. A staircase leads down into a basement. Tucked in the southwest corner of the room is an automatic doggie-door. >sw I can’t fit through Raisin’s door. >s (first opening the front door) Front Porch This adorable, rustic farmhouse is wedged amongst numerous large pine trees and the winding driveway keeps all but essential visitors off the property. Two large windows frame the entrance door and an oversized rocking chair, partially hiding a small mountain goblin, anchors one end of the farmer’s porch. The click reminds you that the auto-lock engaged on the door. Arnold launches from my shoulder and darts skyward. “It’s so good to be freeeeeeeee...” says Arnold, his voice trailing off. He flies up and over the house and a few moments later swoops in, narrowly avoiding the goblin. He lands a few feet from me. “Come with me, Raisin needs to show us something!” I say. “Lead the way,” he responds. >follow Whom do you want to follow? >raisin I head after her. Field This is a long expanse of shrubland, extending far to the north, northwest and northeast. I would think trying to travel in those directions alone would be futile. There’s a good amount of vegetation around but it’s all seemingly clinging to life in the low-precipitation weeks we’ve had recently. Arnold swoops in and softly lands on my shoulder. We both notice that Raisin has started digging in the yard. “Hey...” I say. “Maybe don’t do that... are we going to get in trouble?” Raisin stops looking at me for five seconds and I swear I am the first person that was ever on the receiving end of a dog rolling their eyes at a human. Three seconds after that I am certain I am the only human to be on the receiving end of a dog somehow making the “jack off” motion. She continues digging and produces three items for me: a tiny black plastic comb, a canister of red lipstick and a flip phone. I’m way out into the sticks so I need to figure out some way to get back to the city. >take all I take the flip phone, the lipstick, and the plastic comb. Raisin looks up at me and starts talking. “The Mean Person took these items and buried them here. He took Amanda away and then came back and saw these items out. Amanda had left them. He then buried them.” “Without,” interjects Arnold, “Consulting the city council first so he knew where the buried lines were. Is there no end to this madman’s crimes?” Raisin is currently sniffing the surrounding area. >ask raisin about smells I’m not talking to anyone. Raisin, apparently deciding I don’t need help goes back to sniffing the area. >l Field This is a long expanse of shrubland, extending far to the north, northwest and northeast. I would think trying to travel in those directions alone would be futile. There’s a good amount of vegetation around but it’s all seemingly clinging to life in the low-precipitation weeks we’ve had recently. There is a hole in the ground thanks to the tenacious digging of the beagle. Arnold, swoops in to check on me and then goes back to circling the area. Raisin satisfies an itch. >talk to raisin I have nothing to say to her right now. Raisin peers at me suspiciously. >talk to arnold I have nothing else to say to Arnold at the moment. >x comb It’s in two color tones, pink and purple. A woman’s hair is definitely in it, and I’m wondering if I should leave it here because it’s evidence. I think hair has DNA in it? In the follicle? This thing is straight out of the 1990’s neon phase so I can’t wait to meet her when I find her. >comb hair I don’t understand that command. >* ah well Comment recorded. >l Field This is a long expanse of shrubland, extending far to the north, northwest and northeast. I would think trying to travel in those directions alone would be futile. There’s a good amount of vegetation around but it’s all seemingly clinging to life in the low-precipitation weeks we’ve had recently. There is a hole in the ground thanks to the tenacious digging of the beagle. Arnold cocks his head. Raisin yawns. >x hole I see nothing special about the hole. >i I am wearing a Pet Machine and a jacket, and carrying a flip phone, a paint can, a lipstick, a plastic comb, a newspaper, a can of acetone, a wrench, and a screwdriver. >x lipstick I called it a canister because I’m a guy and I have no idea what it’s supposed to be called. I don’t futz with it because if Amanda’s fingerprints are on it then that may be evidence. >open it The lipstick is not something I can open. >x phone It’s a Nokia 2720, purple in color, and it’s in flip phone style. At that moment those kinds of phone are not considered to be the latest marvel in product design and engineering but to a dumbass like myself without any kind of phone, it might as well be a sentient supercomputer. >open phone The flip phone is not something I can open. Sitting quietly, Raisin surveys her surroundings. >use phone I actually make two calls. There’s not a lot of energy left in Amanda’s phone, which makes sense because we don’t have the technology yet to make a well- energized phone. The first call I make is a quick one - I manage to get my client to agree to meet me back at the Petting Zoo ASAP for an update. The last call I’m able to make is to get a taxi. I engage in some small talk with the animals, checking my forehead for a fever every few minutes. It really seems they can talk. Legit talk. The taxi pulls up after about 20 minutes and I get a guy that I’ve never had before. Before getting in the cab, I toss Amanda’s possessions back into the hole. I’m not about to carry kidnapping evidence with me at this point. Two seconds after I get my destination out of my mouth he looks at me in the rear mirror. Apropos of nothing, the cabbie says, “I just think it’s funny that Dwight D. Eisenhower was in Dallas the day Kennedy was shot and nobody ever says anything about it.” And he’s off to the races. You know, I stopped taking Ubers because the company kept making the news due to the serial sexual assaults but I think at this point I’d just take my chances. Outside the Petting Zoo We get to the parking lot of the zoo. The taxi driver was thrilled to have me bring a dog and a bird with him, by the way. I can’t begin to tell you how hard I had to work to be into his conspiracy theory so he didn’t focus on that. I “Yes, and”-ed it as best I could. “Okay, look,” says the taxi driver as the beasts and I depart, refusing to make eye contact with me as I pay. “I liked Ike for the most part. Okay?” I nod. The pets mutter something to me like, “lunatic” and “psychopath” to me as the taxi drives off, sounding just like a bark and whatever sound a parrot makes to the taxi driver, of course. Raisin starts to sniff. “Jay, there’s something wrong inside. I smell blood!” >* oh no! Comment recorded. >save Saved. >in All of us enter... Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. “JaaAAaaAaay!” bleats the aye- aye. “They’re dead!” screeches Arnold. “They’re all dead!!” He begins to fly in circles around the room. “I’m not dead!” yells out the aye-aye again. “I live!” hisses the iguana. I look over to see Raisin meander toward me. >x peacock It’s not as tangled-up as I first thought. I think it will be okay. Raisin has identified some scent coming from a closet. She is pointed in that direction. The blood-stamped human shoe tracks lead that direction, so that will be a nice surprise when I get to it. There is a lot to process here, I don’t know where to begin. “There’s people in the closet, Jay!” she says. (I could ask about the scent or ask her about the people) >* whew Comment recorded. >a scnet She wags her tail at me. Raisin cocks her head in my direction waiting for me to talk. Arnold is currently scoping out the surrounding area. (I could ask about the scent or ask her about the people) >a scent “I smell fear!” says Raisin. Is she making fun of me? I can’t tell if she’s making fun of me. (I could ask her about the people) >a people “How many people are in there?” I ask her. “I don’t know! Open it up!” she retorts. “Open it up, pussy!” says the parrot, unhelpfully. I’m not sure that last line from him was translated by the pet machine or if he just knew how to say that. I pause the conversation with Raisin and then look to chat up the other animals. >open closet I give the doorknob a few twists but it doesn’t budge. It’s locked. Gliding quietly, Arnold surveys his surroundings. >l Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. The closet door is closed. Arnold peers at me suspiciously. >x aye-aye It’s alive. That is the important thing. It still looks like it was just told that its teenage daughter is pregnant and the father skipped town on an aye- aye-sized motorcycle, but in this case that facial expression is a good thing. The aye-aye was grooming itself. Arnold is circling above, inspecting the area. >talk to aye-aye The aye-aye just stares at me with those soul-piercing eyes of his. >talk to ugana (talk to iguana) “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. >x blood I don’t want to imply anything due to what I see - I’m not a scientist, I am not going to draw conclusions. There’s a lot of it and I don’t like it. I don’t care for it. I will say that it’s dark and shiny. Arnold flaps its wings. >x tracks Vaguely adult human male. >x goat I see no goat here. >talk to peacock “Are you okay?” I ask. The peacock makes a big show of nodding in the affirmative. >x drapes They are made of a thick magenta velour that reflects the hues of the light of the bar. >x door It blends in well enough with the rest of the bar that I wouldn’t have known it was here unless I knew I needed it to be. The closet door is closed. Arnold silently opens then closes his beak. >break door I throw my weight against the door, leading with my shoulder. My shoulder is now in incredible pain and I think the door got stronger. I compressed the atoms or something. >g I throw my weight against the door, leading with my shoulder. My shoulder is now in incredible pain and I think the door got stronger. I compressed the atoms or something. >l Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. The closet door is closed. Arnold quietly watches my actions. >talk to arnonld I see no arnonld here. >talk to arnold “Do you have a gun or something?” asks Arnold, on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. “What? No, I don’t have a gun,” I tell him. This is all bad. “What kind of private investigator doesn’t carry a gun??” he asks. He somehow hovers in mid-air and gives me a filthy look before making a big show before flapping his wings again. “Just our luck, we get the unarmed detective,” he says. Arnold then waits a beat, to where I think he was finished speaking, but as soon as he sees me start to say something he immediately interrupts me, “Doesn’t have a gun,” he repeats, “More like Nancy Never Drew.” “Thhhhought... you allll ... had guns...” says the iguana from the bar. “It’sss ... thhhe only reason I didn’t .... sssstrike!” I turn to look at the iguana. The iguana looks like it definitely has more to say. Arnold glides over to me to see what I’m doing. >talk to iguana “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. Arnold satisfies an itch. >talk to iguana “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. >a winstone Raisin peers at me suspiciously. >talk to raisin “Raisin, smell anything weird around here?” I ask. She looks around and sniffs the air intently but says nothing. Raisin waddles over to me to give me a sniff. Arnold ruffles his feathers. >talk to arnold “Do you have a gun or something?” asks Arnold, on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. “What? No, I don’t have a gun,” I tell him. This is all bad. “What kind of private investigator doesn’t carry a gun??” he asks. He somehow hovers in mid-air and gives me a filthy look before making a big show before flapping his wings again. “Just our luck, we get the unarmed detective,” he says. Arnold then waits a beat, to where I think he was finished speaking, but as soon as he sees me start to say something he immediately interrupts me, “Doesn’t have a gun,” he repeats, “More like Nancy Never Drew.” “Thhhhought... you allll ... had guns...” says the iguana from the bar. “It’sss ... thhhe only reason I didn’t .... sssstrike!” I turn to look at the iguana. The iguana looks like it definitely has more to say. >talk to ugana (talk to iguana) “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. >talk to peacock “Are you okay?” I ask. The peacock makes a big show of nodding in the affirmative. Deciding that the area is free of new sights, Arnold watches me intently. >talk to aye-aye The aye-aye just stares at me with those soul-piercing eyes of his. >l Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. The closet door is closed. Arnold peers at me suspiciously. >talk to igauna (talk to iguana) “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. >a closet Raisin shakes her head once and stares intently at me. Arnold is currently scoping out the surrounding area. >a key She wags her tail at me. Arnold cocks his head. >l Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. The closet door is closed. Arnold, swoops in to check on me and then goes back to circling the area. >unlock door I have nothing to pick the lock with. Arnold flaps its wings. >i I am wearing a Pet Machine and a jacket, and carrying a screwdriver, a can of acetone, a paint can, a wrench, and a newspaper. Arnold quietly watches my actions. >take all There’s nothing suitable for ALL to refer to. >out It’s not time to leave just yet; I have more to do at the zoo. Arnold is circling above, inspecting the area. >e I see no exit in that direction. Arnold glides over to me to see what I’m doing. >n I see no exit in that direction. >w It’s not time to leave just yet; I have more to do at the zoo. >s I can’t go that way. > Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. The closet door is closed. Deciding that the area is free of new sights, Arnold watches me intently. >s I can’t go that way. Arnold satisfies an itch. >sw I see no exit in that direction. Gliding quietly, Arnold surveys his surroundings. >se I see no exit in that direction. Arnold ruffles his feathers. >ne I see no exit in that direction. >nw I see no exit in that direction. >x drapes They are made of a thick magenta velour that reflects the hues of the light of the bar. >take drapes The drapes are not important. Arnold silently opens then closes his beak. >go behind br (go behind bar) The last thing I wanted to do was rub elbows with an aye-aye. >go behind bar The last thing I wanted to do was rub elbows with an aye-aye. >x bar It was scratched up pretty badly, like the portside plank on Noah’s ark where he kept the toothier mustelids. >l Petting Zoo Something terrible has happened. We see the blood, certainly. The room isn’t covered in it, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly-up on the bar. That’s not good. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. The closet door is closed. Arnold ruffles his feathers. >take iguana The cold-blooded predator won’t let me pick her up. Deciding that the area is free of new sights, Arnold watches me intently. >talk to iguana “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. >ask iguana about winstone “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. >ask iguana about closet “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. Arnold, swoops in to check on me and then goes back to circling the area. >ask iguana about lock “How you doing, bossman?” I say to the iguana. It’s flicking its tongue and has grasped some random items in its front claws. The iguana starts nodding at me. “Going to... going to whip the human that hurt us!” “Who hurt you?” I ask. “Winstone... Missster Winssssssstone!” After saying that, I felt that all the warmth went out of the iguana’s eyes, but actually it was just its reptilian nature. Arnold silently opens then closes his beak. >x iguana She wasn’t too worse for the wear, for whatever went on in here. Iguanas will carry around anything that gets put in their little claws, and there was enough debris strewn about that she picked up some things. Arnold is currently scoping out the surrounding area. >x debris She is carrying a receipt and a girl’s hairpin. >x reciept I see no reciept here. >x receipt It was from a random customer’s about two hours ago. I don’t think it has any bearing on this case. >take it The iguana won’t let go of it. Arnold cocks his head. >x hairpin Also called a bobby pin or a hair grip depending on your culture, it’s meant to shape women’s hair in a certain style and keep it in place. Or anyone’s hair. You gotta have hair, though, or trying to use one will just have it fall off your head. Arnold satisfies an itch. >take it Taken. >unlock closet I think the theory is, when lock-picking with these, that you have two, but the lock for this closet door opens with just something thin and sturdy placed into the hole. The pin breaks off while I try to pick the lock, but it nevertheless opens with a click. Arnold is circling above, inspecting the area. >open it I open the closet door easily now. Arnold glides over to me to see what I’m doing. >in There’s not of a lot of room in here. Closet at the Petting Zoo Inside the closet, sitting with his knees up and head down is my contact. He looks up. He’s been crying. And I don’t mean that his eyes are all red and socially I am supposed to pretend he wasn’t. He was crying and is still actively crying. “You...” he says. “Figured it was you.” (I could ask about the animals, ask about hiding in the closet, question his relationship to Amanda or tell him I need his name) >a animals “So what happened here? All the animals are beat up and you’re in the closet crying.” “I have no idea!” The client starts sniffling. Communication will stop the tears - hey, that’s great, I gotta remember that. “Some guy,” he continues, “Some old guy came in here and just started shouting at the animals and strangling them and beating them up. I know that doesn’t sound psychotic but you had to see it, he was brutal, I thought he was going to kill every living thing in here.” “No, it, it - you’ve painted a good image of psychosis.” (I could ask about hiding in the closet, question his relationship to Amanda or tell him I need his name) >a closet “Why on earth did you decide to hide out in here? How did you even know this was a thing?” “I didn’t know where else to go,” he says. “I don’t know how I found it. I guess I just rose to the moment.” I don’t say anything to this narcissist prick, but I think he’s using that urban legend everyone hears as a kid. The urban legend is about the car that runs over an infant, and the mother of child gets adrenaline strength and can lift the car. Actually, this is pretty good and I need to shame this guy, so I tell him everything I just said. “... So I guess your super-power is finding hiding places like some kind of gamma-enhanced coward in times of great need.” He doesn’t say anything to that. (I could question his relationship to Amanda or tell him I need his name) >a name “Come on man, what am I supposed to call you?” “Anderson, it’s Anderson. My name is Dick Anderson,” he says, starting to cry a little less. “Haha,” I say accidentally. (I could question his relationship to Amanda) >a amanda “Okay, look man, this can’t be mysterious any more, what’s your relationship to Amanda?” He nods. “She’s my sister. She was adopted when we were babies. I wasn’t, my birth parents kept me.” “What, at the hospital were they given a parenting manual out of 1970s China?” It’s important to me that you know that Anderson is a white guy and the target here is the One Child government policy. And I guess Anderson’s parents. “They explained it to me many times, it wasn’t – look, it’s not what you think. They did the best they could at the time.” I let that go. He’s probably correct and I don’t have the facts or care. “So why try to get a hold of her after all this time? And why the mystery?” “I’m getting married,” says Anderson and because he’s a guy and presumably straight he can’t show me an engagement ring as proof, so I have to believe him. “I wanted to meet her. I wanted her at the wedding. That’s all.” I didn’t have much else to say to Anderson right now. >* LOL Comment recorded. >a winstone Anderson does not respond. >exit I leave the closet and go back to the main area of the Zoo. Petting Zoo The room isn’t covered in blood, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly- up on the bar. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. Raisin comes up to me. “Arnold says there’s something you’d better see in the bathroom,” she says. I hadn’t even really seen the door to the bathroom before. I’m a professional private eye. But Arnold flies over to it and pushes on what I thought was the wall and sure enough there is an entrance inside in the southern part of the zoo. Both the closet and bathroom doors are ajar. Arnold quietly watches my actions. >s I do and there’s really only one thing worth mentioning. I figured out where all the blood went. Written on the bathroom mirror in blood are the words, “SCHILLING YOU DIE.” Bathroom at the Petting Zoo Since taking this case I have been attacked, annoyed, embarrassed and surprised at the most miraculous device I have ever encountered in my life. Anderson has to know more than he’s telling me. He’s going to tell me everything, I can’t keep living like this, living on the edge of chaos. >n I can’t go that way. From here I could go out. >out Petting Zoo The room isn’t covered in blood, it’s not wall to wall but it’s enough, right? Spatter against walls and some human tracks on the floor. The iguana is belly- up on the bar. The goat is missing. The peacock is crumpled in the far corner, looking by all rights like a crushed spider. The aye-aye is hanging onto the drapes that lead to an area behind the bar with one arm, the other limp. Both the closet and bathroom doors are ajar. Anderson had gotten himself out of the closet. I begin shouting at him. “This guy knows who I am! He’s going to kill me! What are you not telling me?” I take him by the collar of his shirt, surprising him and myself with my anger. “He got to me, Jay!” says Anderson. “Okay? I crawled in there after he left, he beat the hell out of me too! He was looking for animals for God knows what and I told him everything!” “You told him everything but you hired me and gave me dick-all? Is that right?” I let go of Anderson by his collar and pushed him back. “He’s abducted her. And now he knows I’m looking for her.” Arnold flaps its wings. Raisin is by my feet, inspecting the area. (I could yell at him some more or ask Anderson where Amanda lives) >a amanda “Look, do you know where she lives or not?” I ask Anderson. “No, I have no idea where she lives, hiring you for that was real,” says my client. “Amanda’s address?” asks Arnold from across the room. “I know where she lives. She’s in the condos off the Grand Plaza. She told it to us when she knew she was going missing.” I wait a second for Anderson to react to that information before I remember that he can’t translate stuff from the animals. “She lives in the condos off the Grand Plaza, dummy,” I tell him. “God,” I add, rolling my eyes at him for not having detected that. “Put that into your phone and give me the directions that pop up.” He does and then just slumps to the floor, defeated. I decide it’s time to go. Arnold peers at me suspiciously. Raisin wags her tail at me. >out I leave. Before doing so, I have Anderson call a taxi and give me some cash to give to a taxi driver. The drive is quite uneventful for me, having become quite the pro at riding around with a parrot and a beagle. Outside Amanda’s Condo They really did a good job trying to make these condos look like someone’s home. Adobe is everywhere, with large glass windows providing a sleek, modern look. I feel they would be impressive even to someone that doesn’t live in a storage pod. There’s a fence here designed to keep people that live in here comfortable by keeping people like me out. Gliding quietly, Arnold surveys his surroundings. Raisin produces a silent yawn. >x fence It’s made of iron, I guess. (I don’t actually know what anything in the world is made of, so you’re getting reality filtered through the eyes of someone that believes all production comes from 3D printers, the factory smelter at the end of every 80s action movie and Geppetto.) There’s enough space in between the, ah, links of the gate to where I can see through it, but not nearly enough to slip through or anything. >* LOL that's a good joke too Comment recorded. >talk to raisin “Hey Raisin, notice anything off around here?” I ask. She looks around and sniffs the air intently but says nothing. Raisin, apparently deciding I don’t need help goes back to sniffing the area. Arnold, swoops in to check on me and then goes back to circling the area. Deciding that the area is free of new sniffs, Raisin takes a seat. >talk to arnold “Arnold, can you unlock the gate for me?” I ask. “I’ll try,” he says. Arnold helpfully flies over on the other side of the gate, inserts a small pointed claw into the latch and undoes it. It occurs to me that any small piece of plastic probably could have done that as well, so it’s unfortunate I’m a cash man. Arnold is circling above, inspecting the area. >open gate I open the gate. Raisin sniffs the air. >in I walk past the fence and take the stairs up to Amanda’s condo. I let myself in. Amanda’s Condo Looking around, her kitchen, dining table and couch are all in what is technically the same room. The sun is setting and there’s a ton of natural sunlight coming from the west through a giant window, giving the golden hour to everything inside. The walls are bright eggshell and pretty sparsely populated. There’s two other rooms that I can easily see from here, a bedroom and a bathroom. “Can you run some water, please?” asks Raisin of Arnold. “Careful,” I say to the animals without thinking. “The kidnapper could be here or trapped the condo.” “We don’t really have to worry about kidnapping, ourselves,” says Raisin. I think she’s about to regale me with some story about pet adoption that would make me think about human-to-animal relationships, but as she walks to the bathroom I hear her say, “... since people can get a new dog free at the pound and we can’t join them since we can’t work scissors.” Arnold flies off to the bathroom as well and I soon hear water running. I can see Amanda’s Macbook here. >x macbook It’s a 13” Macbook. It has a plastic cover on the outside and Amanda has affixed a sticker of either Secretariat or Black Beauty to it. The lid is closed. >open it Opened. The logon screen is up - I need a password to get in. >logon I type in a couple of the most common passwords, but I am worried about getting locked out for some amount of time so I don’t push it. If I can’t find something likely then I’m at a dead end in the investigation. >l Amanda’s Condo Looking around, her kitchen, dining table and couch are all in what is technically the same room. The sun is setting and there’s a ton of natural sunlight coming from the west through a giant window, giving the golden hour to everything inside. The walls are bright eggshell and pretty sparsely populated. There’s two other rooms that I can easily see from here, a bedroom and a bathroom. I can see Amanda’s Macbook here. >x sun I see no sun here. >x walls I see no walls here. >x kitchen It’s an open enough plan to where I can get a good view of the kitchen. There’s nothing going on in there. >x table It looks like it could comfortably fit six people pre-covid or, to put it another way, it looks like it can comfortably seat two. >x couch Okay, it would fit two people. There’s no way getting around this: it’s pink with red t-molding or piping and the back of it is angled in a way that makes the entire thing look like a pair of stereotypical Lolita glasses but in couch form. I dunno. Maybe she was given it when she was younger. >look behind table The dining table is not important. >bedroom I don’t understand that command. >go to bedroom In this game, I’ll have to navigate with compass directions. >n I can’t go that way. From here I could go south or out. >s Amanda’s Bedroom This room also gets a ton of sunlight in the evening. Amanda’s bed is unmade, and I’d put the size at a Supertwin. She has a nightstand on each side, with a drawer. >x bed It’s a Supertwin, easily recognized in the wild by people who have ever had the misfortune to be forced to sleep on a Supertwin. It’s on some sort of weird box. >x box Yeah, I dunno. Wait, the weird box has a little square that seems to be pressable. >open it The weird box is not important. >push square Out pops a very tiny gold-colored key. I take it. >x key It’s a tiny gold key. >x nightstand Which do you mean, the left nightstand or the right nightstand? >left There was a period of rustic quality to wood that lasted a few years after some fires when burnt wood was harvested from destroyed shacks and sheds. It was really chic if you were rich enough to get enough of it to decorate your home with it. This nightstand must have come straight from that era. >open left The left drawer is locked. >unlock it (with the tiny key) Unlocked. >open it I open the left drawer. >x it I’ll call it a burnt umber color, it’s exactly the same height as the bed from the floor and has a lockable drawer. The left drawer is open. >look in drawer Which do you mean, the right drawer or the left drawer? >left There’s some personal items not worth mentioning, but also a print out of an email. >x email It’s a print out of an email. >read it It’s kind of personal, but it’s a letter from a “Lillian Anderson”, who I presume is my client’s mother. It was written decades ago to an adoption agency and pretty plainly says that they can’t afford to keep both of the twins. I assume she means they are fraternal. How Amanda found this I can’t begin to speculate, but what the heck, she was an investigative reporter. >* she was? Comment recorded. >x right I’ll call it a burnt umber color, it’s exactly the same height as the bed from the floor and has an easy-to-open-even-for-me drawer. >unlock right The right drawer isn’t lockable. >open right I open the right drawer. >x it I’ll call it a burnt umber color, it’s exactly the same height as the bed from the floor and has an easy-to-open-even-for-me drawer. >look in right I swear I am only going through a stranger’s stuff to help locate her. I sift through the lipstick, romance novels, fishnets and pistol and find a post-it note. (I was just kidding about the other stuff; I’m trying really hard to prove that I found the post-it note easily by clearly having no idea what a real woman keeps in her nightstand.) Pushing aside the deer jerky, Heroclix and COBOL Programming Guide, the post-it note has a series of random characters written with some written instructions like “this is a zero and not the letter O” - I’m thinking this is a password. >take note I’m already holding the post-it note. >x it The password is a series of random characters. >n Before leaving I put the tiny gold key back where I found it. Amanda’s Condo Looking around, her kitchen, dining table and couch are all in what is technically the same room. The sun is setting and there’s a ton of natural sunlight coming from the west through a giant window, giving the golden hour to everything inside. The walls are bright eggshell and pretty sparsely populated. There’s two other rooms that I can easily see from here, a bedroom and a bathroom. I can see Amanda’s Macbook here. I make a beeline toward her laptop and stick the post-it note near it; time to show off my supreme hacking skills. >logon I’m in. Her e-mail is up. I’d rather not stalk her if I don’t have to, but I think the last one up is from her editor. >read email From: Nuyu Muffen To: Amanda Duschek Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE Amanda, agreed on the house pet angle. people love pets. hell, they got tested before i did. and like a lot of them. like this a lot better than the thing with toynbee tiles. worst thing someone like aldrich winstone can do is what, kidnap my dog, bury it in the backyard of one of his two houses? lol ... Ok, I’m back. That’s the end of the e-mail. Amanda’s computer is a lot more advanced than the dumb terminal at the library, so I could properly search the Internet for more information on this Aldrich Winstone lunatic now. This gig would have been a lot easier if I had my own phone and laptop, by the way. >search internet I register for a land and deed site and do a property search for Aldrich Winstone. I get two hits. Freaking dude owned two pieces of property, and I’ve been to the first one. Next logical step is to check out the other one, which is only five minutes from here by taxi. And has the dog been drinking out of the toilet this entire time? >save Saved. >out I whistle to get Raisin and Arnold’s attention. It takes a bit to find another cabbie that agrees to transport all of us, but the one that did give me a ride mentioned that someone else is running around town with a bird and a dog. I didn’t have the social willpower to tell him it was me. The ride was uneventful, except that a ram came out of nowhere to try to smash into the cab and stop our progress. To the cabbie, this was just another day. To me, it’s making me think that Winstone is sending animals out to end me. Outside Winstone’s Summer House This place is actually far enough away that I really don’t know how I am going to get back into the city. It’s a one story colonial that last saw a paint job before I was born. “Nice place,” says Arnold. “Deceptively nice. You’re not planning on killing us in here, are you?” “I’m not planning on killing you at – ” I see that Raisin is in heavy sniff mode. “She’s in there!” she yips. Arnold quietly watches my actions. Raisin quietly watches my actions. >in The door is either stuck or locked, I think some brute force would let me know. Raisin is currently sniffing the surrounding area. >push dor (push doc) Pushing the boots has no effect. Arnold silently opens then closes his beak. >push door Pushing the door has no effect. >hit door I give the door a mighty boot. I take off two hinges and I can confirm that it was definitely only stuck. >g I’ve already beaten it up enough. Raisin peers at me suspiciously. >open door The door is already open. Arnold peers at me suspiciously. >in I take one step in and admire my handiwork. The lights are on. I turn to face the animals with a smile on my face. “I got the door open,” I say to them and before I know it the lights are off. Someone hit me with a rolling pin. Inside the Summer House I’ve been flattened. Three parrots and three dogs are going berserk inside. Similarly, I have now found three girls. “Who are you?” she yells at me. “H-hold - whoa! Why d-did you hit, hit me? God!” “I know it doesn’t seem it,” says Arnold, “But he’s here to help.” The woman nods. Wait. She can understand Arnold? “Wait, you can understand Arnold?” I say. “Wait. What?” She pauses a second. “So can you?” (I could say I’ve been looking for her or introduce myself) >introduce myself “I’m Jay Schilling. I think you’re – ?” “My name is Amanda,” she says. Hey! I found her! Deciding that the area is free of new sights, Arnold watches me intently. Raisin is by my feet, inspecting the area. (I could say I’ve been looking for her, ask her about her kidnapping or update her on the investigation) >say i've been looking for her “I have been looking for you for two days – it looks like we’re pretty much on the same case here?” I say. “Sure - glad that my brother initiated this so that I could have some help here!” she says. “The Pet Machine is amazing. This may be the greatest invention of our lifetimes. I mean, good bye cell phones, hello Pet Machines. Right?” I nod in agreement. “The resiliency of the Pet Machine is certainly bette–” “There is just no limit to what we can use these for!” she says. “I think Winstone wanted to run some sick experiments on animals with them and eliminate me when I got too close.” Her brow furrows at that. “All this incredibleness and this is what he decides to do with it. So sad. So terrible.” (I could ask her about her kidnapping or update her on the investigation) >a kidnapping “You were kidnapped by that Winstone guy, right?” I ask her. “I assume because you were getting too close to him? You knew he was making a machine to speak with animals?” Amanda nods. “That’s right. He was grabbing animals from zoos, which was bad enough, but most people, when they hear about a problem with a zoo go, ‘Gee, that’s too bad,’ and never think of the local zoo again until one of the elephants has babies. He started snatching pets right off the porches of people in town.” “And I assume you found one of his machines?” I ask. “Right. He had some prototypes out when I visited that shack of his in the basement.” “How did you stumble upon him, though?” Amanda shrugs. “I created a virtual map of every pet that was reported missing and all the zoos in the nearby states. Much in the same way there was a theory that serial killers will live in the center of where they take their victims, I thought the same thing was going on. Then I just attempted to call up and meet with every single person that lived in the center. Then I offered to house-sit or watch their pets.” “You must have called dozens of people!” I say. Amanda nods. Man, solving this sort of thing really is easier when you have a computer, working cell phone and no crippling social anxiety. Raisin wags her tail at me. (I could update her on the investigation) >update her on investigation Raisin starts shaking her head from side to side. “Hey, so look – you have a brother. A brother you don’t know about. His name is Dick Anderson.” Amanda interrupts me. “I’m aware,” she says. Oh. “Oh. Well. He’s getting married and he wants to you to attend the wedding. He hired me to try to find you, and –” Raisin starts barking loudly towards something in the house. “Hey, wait,” I say to Amanda, “That douchebag isn’t still in there, is he?” At that moment an older white guy, mid-60s, dressed in a three piece comes running from the back of the house. All of us are completely surprised. He is going full speed and manages to knock both Amanda and myself down. “Kill them allll!” the man exclaims as he leaves the house. >talk to amanda I am already talking to Amanda Duschek. >l Inside the Summer House Jay Schilling and The Case of the Missing Zoo Beasts has been solved, a case I didn’t even know I was working on, thanks to the mongoose, wolverine and wolf that emerge from the darkness. “Amanda. Arnold. Jay,” says Raisin, through snarls and barks at the animals in front of her. “Run. Run away!” She’s lunging and snapping. “What?” I say, “We’re not going to leave you, they’ll –” Raisin turns faster than I can see, she goes berserk at the three of us and I don’t – I don’t know how to explain it unless you have seen a dog of any size decide what is going to happen, and what she decided was that the three of us were leaving the house. I stumble onto the floor backwards. “GO!” snarls Raisin one last time. Arnold flies away and as I rise, Amanda takes my hand and leads us out... Outside Winstone’s Summer House It’s late, so impossibly late for the season. Amanda and I are outside this elderly lunatic’s second home, a nice enough place if you don’t mind the broken door. Raisin isn’t here, she sent us away, and Winstone, the crook, is doing his version of running toward a black Lincoln automobile. He’s shuffling and gasping and trying to also activate his keyfob. Amanda is looking around in a panic. Winstone is doing his version of running towards a black Lincoln. He’s shuffling and trying to activate his keyfob. Arnold screams “Now what?!” as he circles above me. >use remote I don’t recognize the command USE, because it’s a bit too vague; please be more specific about what you want to do. >i I am wearing a Pet Machine and a jacket, and carrying a screwdriver, a can of acetone, a paint can, a wrench, and a newspaper. >tackle winstone Amanda Duschek does not respond. Arnold flaps its wings. >hit winstone He’s too far away; maybe I should talk to Arnold. >t arnold “I think he can help us here!” she says. >talk to arnold “Arnold! Grab the keys!” I yell. The parrot flies easily towards Winstone and snatches the keys out of Winstone’s hands, dropping them out of sight. Arnold attempts to peck the eyes of Winstone at this time. “Begone!” screams Winstone, his voice cracking like a teenager asking another teenager to the prom. >hit winstone I walk up to Winstone, he’s dropped to one knee, wheezing at Arnold trying to attack him. I wait for him to sort of rise a bit because I don’t really want to slug an old man unless we’re at least looking eye to eye. It looks like that’s going to be a while so I try a rabbit punch to his midsection but kind of miss a little. Amanda walks up behind me and is able to successfully punch Winstone square in the jaw. She takes the phone from Winstone’s pants and makes an emergency call to the police. “Raisin!” squeaks Arnold as he flies back to the house. I run after him, opening the door ... At the Wedding It was a beautiful ceremony. After Amanda dropped Winstone like a sack of old dirt, Arnold and I rushed back inside. Raisin had fought against the wolverine and the mongoose and gotten them to both retreat back inside the house. The cops arrived, taking the pet- related crime seriously for a change because Amanda had been kidnapped. Raisin was twitching. Her fur was matted with blood. She was exhausted and there were no good options for her if she made it out of that house, so I held her as she breathed so heavily. The pain and damage of fighting off the others took her and she gave me three very heavy, very difficult breaths. She had one more in her and she died in my arms as I told her she was a good dog. She was such a good, good dog. Amanda and I had a choice - we could let ... someone know what Winstone had made or keep it ourselves and open up a world unlike anyone had ever known. We decided to keep the pet machines. It has been a revelation. You would not believe how much easier it is to investigate a mystery when you have a working phone, the ability to talk to animals and a girl friend with a computer ... Amanda is smiling at the wedding couple. >* Aww poor Raisin Comment recorded. >x amanda She put her hair up for the wedding and is all made up. Both in terms of makeup and with her birth family. She is the second most beautiful woman here except for, as I understand it, the bride. Amanda is smiling at the wedding couple. >smile at couple I don’t understand that command. >x couple I see no couple here. >x bride Okay, I actually don’t have a good look at her except for the dress, but I know you’re supposed to say how radiant the bride is. She is radiant and the dress is gorgeous. >x dick I think I see Anderson give me a warm, manly, friendly wink as he walks. But he also just kind of does that. >i I am carrying some raisins. >x raisins They are that kind with the girl on the purple box, who is the third most beautiful woman here. >throw them We throw the raisins. They fly in a graceful arc behind the married couple. It was just a little thing, but was important to Amanda and myself. After a couple of beats, a chipmunk that had been hiding under the seats bolts to the aisle and snatches a raisin. “Thanks, mate,” it squeaks before racing away. Amanda laughs and leans over. “Do you think I can stop by your place later tonight and play with your parrot?” she asks. I nod. “You can, but there’s, ah, no place to park,” I say. Arnold and I decided to live together at least in the short term. We thought we’d make good roommates as both of us are fond of the same gal and both of us are too heavy in heart to go get a dog. Thinking I am referring to just living like a bachelor in general instead of the fact that I live in a garage, Amanda squeezes my hand and smiles. “I don’t mind so much the chaos with you,” she says. [End of Session. Strike any key to continue.] Thank you for playing JAY SCHILLING’S EDGE OF CHAOS, by Robb Sherwin and Mike Sousa. This game is our entry in the 2020 Interactive Fiction Competition. To play more great games in this year’s comp, please go to https://ifcomp.org. Special thanks to Jacq, JMac and everyone else who have put on this wonderful celebration of text adventures for decades! *** End of Story! *** Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, see some AMUSING things to try, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >amusing Things to Try Blink after examining the iguana Cleaning the carpet at the Petting Zoo Attacking the peacock Finding the poem on the table at the Petting Zoo Looking under Chloe’s dress Reading the paper ad in the library Finding the carved stone symbol in the library Jumping in the elevator Unplugging the pervert’s computer instead of talking to him Looking in your fridge Smelling your breakfast at the Yuck House Asking the cabbie about the taxi Knocking on the cabin door – and then saying “Pizza” Petting, Attacking or Singing to the goblin Sitting and then rocking in the rocking chair Trying to go through Raisin’s doggie-door Smelling or drinking the acetone Singing to Arnold Wearing Amanda’s lipstick Trying to break down the Petting Zoo closet door Finding the hidden stash of toilet paper in the Petting Zoo closet Cleaning the blood off the bathroom mirror Trying to take the Condo rocks Calling for Arnold at Amanda’s Condo Making or looking under Amanda’s bed Finding Amanda’s gold key in her bedroom Taking the oil painting Talking to Winstone Would you like to RESTART the story, UNDO the last move, see some AMUSING things to try, RESTORE a saved position, or QUIT? >quit