My first thought is - I wouldn’t find this offensive in the least. However, I’m probably pretty insensitive to things like that.
So, my second thought was, well, if the problem is throwing + bed + child, then take out pieces until it’s no offensive - namely, the throwing, and the bed. And, furthermore, you want it to be funny. Thus, the following scenario:
There are statues around the room - examining them tells you, “Those statues look none too stable - the slightest push, and they’ll topple!”
A small boy and his parents are here.
You have a small rubber ball.
To distract the guard, all you need to do is drop the ball near the kid - he sees it, breaks away from his parents, grabs the ball, and in the next several turns:
-Throws the ball. It bounces off the wall (the guard isn’t distracted)
-Throws the ball. It bounces off a statue, which wobbles dangerously, getting the guard’s attention. (but not distracting him enough)
-The ball gets stuck behind a statue. The boy jumps the velvet rope, climbs under the statues, and fishes around for his ball. The guard jumps up in alarm (now he’s distracted)
-The boy reaches the ball, but unbalances a statue. It wobbles to and fro; the guard shrieks and tries to stabilize it.
-The first statue tips into the second statue, which also begins to fall. The guard starts crying.
-The statues fall like dominoes as the kid scampers after his parents (who didn’t notice). The guard is now weeping openly.
Now, I also asked my brother what he thought should happen. His response was that you should be able to get a rainmaker in the museum gift store, and the sound of the “rain” would make the kid have to use the bathroom. Instead of statues, there should be an ancient latrine; at the sound of “running water”, the kid would break from his parents and head for the outhouse, which would obviously upset the guard. In the confusion, you could slip away.
…though that one may be a little more offensive, to be honest.