The game Mike Marttila has entered into Spring Thing is (clearly and explicitly) the introductory part of what is to be a larger game. It playfully introduces our protagonist, her aunt, and the idea of a family reunion; and then, when the reunion itself begins, it quickly and somewhat forcedly introduces us to the darker, horror-related themes that will no doubt dominate the full game. Brian Rushton writes:
I get the impression that the rest of the game will be nothing like the intro at all, neither in setting, nor tone, nor mechanics. So it’s very hard to get an idea if the finished game will be enjoyable or not.
And I agree with that. It’s hard to see what the main game will be like, because it will probably not have the same kind of linear structure of this opening sequence. (This is also strongly indicated by the author’s comments on the Spring Thing website.) So that said, I will instead spend some time talking about craft, because that may be helpful to the author. There are two things in particular that I want to talk about: a sporadic tendency to overwrite, and the way the introduction of the horror is handled.
Here’s a quote from the very first passage of text you see:
Gammy’s death had come two months after her 85th birthday party, descending upon the family with the terribly quick and quiet snip of a pair of scissors, unstringing her five sons and daughters and the children they’d had, and casting them loose to ripple across the country like a scattered parade of kites driven by the capricious squalls of career, school, and wanderlust.
Too many images are pushed together here, some of them in fact incompatible. A death that descends upon the family with the sound of scissors is already quite something – I understand what the image wants to accomplish, but scissors don’t tend to descend. That these scissors then also cast loose the children to ripple across the country like a scattered parade of kites is altogether too much. Sheets and fields of grain can ripple, but scattered parades surely cannot; and what, anyway, is a parade of kites? Normally kite flyers are standing still, and their kites are not lined up to move forward in a parade.
I’m not discussing this in so much detail because I want to make fun of Mike Marttila; on the contrary, I’m trying to analyse why the passage, despite the interesting metaphors, doesn’t work for me. Here are two more examples:
“Terrific!” Miranda trilled, the overenthusiasm in her voice flashing out of her guilt like sparked gunpowder.
I think the image is again well-chosen; but there’s too much going on in the prose. We already recognise it as overenthusiasm, so maybe get rid of that phrase; and I think something can certainly flash like sparked gunpowder, but surely it is not very much like sparked gunpowder to flash out of someone’s guilt. Or this passage, which is almost good:
Now, however, the modest row of homes felt formulaic and suburban, pleasing more for the sentiment of what they’d once been than what they were, like a pop-up picture book whose cardboard tab supports had become unglued from overuse so that the models on each page lay flat and inert.
I love this metaphor; comparing the loss of magic of the house of the grandmother, seen again after all those years, to the way in which an old pop-up book can now fail to pop-up. But it needs to be delivered in a more punchy way. The main thought has already been given twice (“formulaic and suburban”, and then “pleasing more for… than what they were”) before the image is brought in as a third statement; and then the image itself is a bit overburdened (e.g., I think we should get rid of the irrelevant phrase “from overuse”, also because it doesn’t fit the analogy very well).
Second thing: the way the horror is introduced. There’s a lot of foreshadowing here: weird feelings after the phone call; then no fewer than three visions in the house; then a sequence of passages in which we are drawn deeper into the woods. To me, it felt forced. I’m like, okay, okay, I get it. Get on with it! I think it would be more effective to tone this down. Maybe a weird dream, if we want some foreshadowing. But then during the party, keep things natural; drop, if anything, small hints of discomfort, but not the big full-scale panic attack experience. Have us wander into the woods, maybe joking about feeling scared, but keep it ambiguous; make the reader not be sure where we’re going, story-wise. And then, bam, the evil dude, exerting sudden and inescapable power over us. Others may disagree, but these were my thoughts on how to make it more emotionally compelling!