Seeking feedback on my story so far...

#1

Hello everyone, I’m new to Twine and started writing a story with it. I was hoping some of you may be interested in reviewing what I have so far and leaving me some feedback and helpful criticism. It would be very much appreciated. There are three major branches - one where you play a member of high royalty, another where you are a member of the peasantry, and another where you play a slave. You choose this at the beginning when asked to follow a proto-thought destined for the mind of royalty, a serf, or a slave. Right now choose royalty as that is the only branch currently developed.

The current story can be found here: cyclic-odyssey.000webhostapp.com/

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#2

Very impressive so far. I can clearly visualize what you’re describing and it feels a lot like having an out of the body experience, but in a game.

Really keen to see where you take it.

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#3

Hi Kyle,

I just wanted to say thanks for taking a few moments to write something, I really appreciate it.

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#4

I forgot to mention only the branch where you follow the thought destined for high royalty has been worked on. I haven’t written much for being a serf or slave.

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#5

Great job! I know this is an old post but in case you’re still looking for feedback:
I really liked how you showed in red or green text the results of your action, it kind of makes it feel more like I’m actually making a difference with my choices (also reminds me of Mass Effect a little). I might steal something like that if you don’t mind.
I also liked how you had a choice to “Explore” that gave a little extra detail but then took you back through the story. I feel like there was more I liked but can’t remember right now.
I think the intro in the sea of thoughts could have been shorter or not needed at all, but I’m probably not seeing the full picture right now. With my limited understanding, I would have been happy if I was presented with 3 choices (serf, slave, or royalty) on the very first screen.

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#6

thoughtforms or thought-forms not thought forms. Did a Google search. Theosophy likes though-forms. I generally don’t like theosophy, but that’s off topic. Or is thought forms okay? Now I’m psyching myself out. No, you’re okay. All three spellings have been accepted. Google dictionary actually shows you to be right, despite everyone spelling it three different ways. Intro page is great. Actually, playing in a few pages and everything looks good. I made it to the end of being born. Well done.

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