Violent Delights
A long tangent here (this whole review is a tangent).
I was in a relationship for a long time that was abusive, but I didn’t really realise it at the time. Outside of normal things in such relationships (like cutting me off from family and friends) one of the major methods of control was controlling my time. I couldn’t make plans because at any point I could be called back to deal with some emergency or the other. As a professor, I had a lot of time I could work with, but by responding to each call I ended up going to work less than 3 or 4 hours a day. But that wasn’t too bad, as my main job was research, and I could do that in my head. But that wasn’t good either; I couldn’t work on the computer, because we frequently had to get out and drive around to different stores, never really buying anything. So I did research in my head, but that was bad, because I was supposed to be focused on buying and talking. There were (and still are, as I still interact with this person daily) unspoken rules, elaborate charades that must be performed. If we go out shopping for a night, we will inevitably end up saying, ‘oh no, we’re far from home, we have to go to wendy’s or taco bell’ and end up eating out. But I can’t say that will happen or make some food to bring, because of course we won’t be out long. We then go out and lo and behold different things delay us and we eat out. But we have to pretend that it won’t happen again.
Playing this game vividly brought those memories to the forefront for me. The artist has created what I experienced as “Abuse: The Game” (not that the author or game was actually abusive, just that it accurately recreated the sensations I remember from that time in my life). In it, you put a bid in for a game cartridge. Then you wait an hour in real life for the game to arrive as a counter counts down. Symbolically, it’s like someone inviting you to their home for a night of game playing, then going to the bathroom for an hour as the food gets cold.
Then, you play the game, but it breaks after use. Once it breaks, you can modify it to increase the level of ‘weirdness’, 3 steps at a time, then wait for a timer to play. Each weirdness level increases the depths you can go into the game. The play timer is so short that you can’t read everything. Just like an abusive person, they demand you to wait for their time, put other things aside and get rid of plans so that you can focus on them; then, when they’re ready to play, everything is rushed so that you can’t savor or enjoy it. Then it’s time to wait again. And, as abusers generally do, there’s no indication at how long this will last. You’re expected to sit and wait and participate over and over again until they get bored of the charade and let you go.
As I was having vivid flashbacks throughout playing this game, it was hard to focus on the text, especially since I had to frantically click through it during each mini-level to print out, then hurriedly scan it and try to set up something interesting to do between ‘charge-up’ sessions, which then made me forget what was going on. The text that there is is surreal, the kind of text that invites close contemplation, which I was unable to give due to the setting. As usual, it is my fault for not giving enough attention and thought here. (I am reminded of how this person would also get mad if I fell asleep first, despite having to wake up early for a job, so they would talk to me until they fell asleep long after midnight. I was constantly groggy and would often forget items on the grocery list, for which I was severely chastised). The text becomes increasingly strange as we descend different levels, moving from a playground to hospital to hell to basement and more. In the end, just like in my real life, all communication ceases and we’re presented with a blank wall. Is it over? Did we do something wrong? Was I supposed to do something different? Was I supposed to be a different person?
In the end, though, I don’t regret playing the game. No one made me do it. I have a personal ethic where I want to sacrifice myself for others, and feel like a good person if I give up something so that others can be happy. So while the relationship was uncomfortable enough that I haven’t done any dating and avoided all relationships in the 6 years since it ended, I remember being happy during much of it. Similarly, even though this game was jerking me around, I made my own decision to play it out of the sense that someone, somewhere would appreciate the time I spent on it. And what greater happiness is there than the giving of self to another?
(I apologize for this review containing very little content relevant to the game!)