I like this! It does a good job of capturing the tension between the requirements of the job and being a decent person.
I think the “But it does to them.” is key here. It sounds to me like you’ll get to decide if you treat your scavenger like a person, or like a tool.
I think it’s “None of it matters. Not to you.” that’s the problem. This part also stuck out to me.
Maybe soften it a bit?
You don’t have to listen. ‘System’ would say it doesn’t affect the mission and doesn’t matter.
But it does to them.
Fun and zany, but I want to know more about what CorpoCorp does.
Although the “make a good impression” and “a strong team player who can also work independently” and “bring a lot to the table” fit well with the fluffy, bombastic tone of corporate jargon, as a player they don’t really tell me anything about the game and they may as well not be there.
I want to know what, exactly, is on the table in the first place – if that makes sense!
e.g. “keen to make a good impression in the cut-throat world of second-hand CEO sales!”
Too short?
It’s October 6, 1943. You’re 1000 feet above Transjordan, about to jump out of a plane. Below you: sand, danger, and the vastness of time.
I like it!
Even though it’s short, it packs a punch and the last three words in particular intrigue me and make me want to know more.
I think I have a saner blurb draft. Less ~quirky~ and more helpful:
It’s some thirty years in the future. Aliens have contacted Earth, and they’re willing to help humans overcome some of their genetic pitfalls, like not being able to see UV light or hating exercise. The partnering human company claims that the genetic modification procedure is free, but there is a cost…
Expect to read about a novella’s worth of text as you develop relationships with four different characters and decide how loyal to be to Uplift, Inc. Co-authored with Steve L. Peck, the acclaimed author of A Short Stay in Hell.
I feel as though this gets across the premise nicely, but could possibly be trimmed a bit. “Expect to read about a novella’s worth of text” seems redundant if you’ve got a time estimate attached to the entry. “But there is a cost…” strikes me as a more interesting note to end on (with “Co-authored with…” being more of an additional note than a continuation of the blurb, which seems worth keeping and shouldn’t interfere). I might also want a bit more of a hint as to what my involvement with any of this is - possibly in place of the detail about “the partnering human company,” since I expect the human player character is probably more important than them while still covering the same basic detail about expecting “free” genetic modification.
The third blurb, and the one I’m least confident in (which my collaborators might still poke more at too):
Ḫattušumna Laḫḫa (“Hittite Adventure”) is the provisional name given to a series of recently-discovered tablets in New Hittite script. The text describes an unidentified hero’s attempt to infiltrate an enemy city and recover a stolen god; while the historical context is unknown, the focus on rival kings kidnapping each others’ gods suggests a pre-Empire origin.
Or, in other words: this is an educational game (actually a series of three short games) presented entirely in the ancient Hittite language. It’s meant for absolute beginners—no knowledge of Hittite is needed! Sneak into enemy territory, craft a disguise, uncover a murderous conspiracy, and hopefully return home triumphant with your god in tow.
This one is the hardest to explain, since it’s the least like anything else I’ve done, so I’m currently going for one paragraph of vibes and one paragraph of actual details. I don’t want the foreign title to scare people off!
With mentioning the “novella’s worth of text,” I wanted to prepare the reader for some lengthy sections that are basically… just reading the kind of text you would expect to find in a book for 9-10 paragraphs before making a choice (spread out over 4 passages). This only happens a few times, and there are still choices that matter, but I feel like this work’s pacing might be different from other IF. For example, IF that is an open world or that has a choice on each screen will feel a lot different. Is there an existing way to describe IF with more descriptive passages? “ponderous”?
That makes sense, but I could just as easily imagine “about a novella’s worth of text” being spread across hundreds of choices: I don’t think it really hints that you’ll generally be seeing a lot of it in one go. I’m at a loss for a concise way of getting across what you’re describing though!
Looks much clearer!
I’m not sure you even need to mention that there are some long sections of just-text. 9-10 paragraphs doesn’t seem particularly outré for a longer piece of interactive fiction, speaking as someone who has written two massive chonkers for Choice of Games!
Maybe instead, you could suggest what players will be doing to develop those relationships?
Tour the convention floor at UpliftCon as you develop…
Explore the perils and promise of body modification as you develop…
etc
ah, yes. I saw you mention this one in another topic:
As someone who has studied languages… this is still intimidating. I want to see how you’re doing it, but I still feel trepidation! Do you have dictionary definitions on hover? Transliterations? You don’t necessarily need to explain in the blurb, but this is my reaction.
Have you heard of Lingua Latina per se illustrata? It’s a Latin textbook written entirely in Latin. It starts with a lot of really formulaic sentences with a lot of easily recognized proper nouns (Roma in Italia est. Italia in Europa est., that sort of thing) and then slowly builds from there, including definitions in the margins with illustrations and/or using already-known words. It’s pretty neat.
Yes! I didn’t use that one myself—my high school used Ecce Romani—but I’ve heard almost universally good things about it. I like that it tries to encourage actual usage of the language, not just memorization; that’s the same thing I’m trying to do here, though in (hopefully) a much easier way. (Players only have two hours, after all, not a whole year!)
As noted in past, in Italy Latin is mandatory in HS, and in my days (2nd half of the 80s) the de facto standard textbook was Urbis et Orbis Lingua.
Best regards from Italy,
dott.Piergiorgio.
Yes, I actually have it. I am also an avid Esperantist and have seen and experienced trying to learn languages through total immersion (including my latest dabbling with Dreaming in Spanish). My conclusion is that this is fine for children, but for adults, it’s faster to combine immersive experiences with explicit grammar instruction and SRS-based flashcards. I’ve also gone down the route where I tried to learn Japanese solely through WaniKani, and can testify that flashcards alone are not enough to sustain language learning. I’m happy to be proven wrong on any of my thoughts though!
Wanikani definitely isn’t enough to learn Japanese, although it probably is enough to learn kanji. It doesn’t have any grammar component. 
(If you’re still exploring Japanese learning, you might like lingodeer and NHK Easy.
The idea of learning a language solely by immersion is a pretty neat one. Will definitely be checking out the resources above!