I usually don’t read much more than three sentences of a blurb before skimming it. That’s why I tried to make my blurb extremely short. Is it TOO short?
You’re babysitting your autistic grandson at “Upliftcon,” a place where everyone is selling something related to changing your body to be better than ever. Somehow you end up helping your grandson raise an alien baby during his debt slavery.
TIA and I’m happy to give you feedback on your blurbs.
I think this is still too convoluted for a blurb. A blurb should be easy to parse the meaning of in the shortest possible space. This one requires too much thought to parse.
But a bigger issue is that I don’t understand parts of it.
Is Uplifticon a shop? A business? A fair? An expo?
Is the babysitting literal? Figurative?
Was the grandson already in debt slavery? Does he get there because of Uplifticon?
I have two friend couples where all of both couples’ children have autism. So I know a little here, but not a lot. I just don’t know if ‘autistic’ is the term they like, or would dislike (vs having autism, with autism) or if it’s one of those things that varies from person to person. So that’s a point to check.
Without more, or full, clarity on these angles, I’m not in a position to make style suggestions. Except that it’s going to need fewer pronouns and fewer ideas springing from each other’s heels in the same sentence.
-Wade
Yeah this feels a bit overly-condensed to me - the debt-slavery thing especially seems hard to parse (I’m not sure whether this is a thing the grandson or the alien baby is experiencing? And it’s also unclear how it relates to the child-rearing). I’d drop that detail and maybe some others, and try to focus more on tone - I’m getting that this game is largely about caretaking, between the grandson and the baby, but I’m not sure whether it’s going to be a comedy, played straight, or somewhere in the middle, and that feels like a big thing the blurb can helpfully convey to prospective players.
My opinion is that blurbs convey vibes better than they convey details. The current blurb is giving me a lot of details and not a lot of vibes.
Not knowing anything about your game’s actual mood or tone, I might try something like…
Are you happy with your body? No? Good! At UPLIFTCON, hundreds of vendors are selling ways to change who you are, maybe even for the better. You walked into the convention expecting it to destroy your checking account and your self-esteem. Helping your grandson raise an alien baby was not on the agenda.
Less detail, more vibe. Less “autistic grandson” and “debt slavery”, more “straight-faced absurd comedy” and “unsubtle satire of modern marketing”. (If those aren’t the vibes you’re going for, of course, you’ll want something totally different.)
I agree - the shorter your blurb is the more chance it will be read, and the more “hooks” you can pack in the better.
One thing I like to avoid is the “your task in this game is” sentence in a blurb.
This is better. I’d almost go for a diegetic advertisement for UPLIFTICON without mention of the actual plot and let the player be curious about the story details.
Not happy with your body? Find yourself wishing there was a better way? Now there’s UPLIFTICON™! Can’t afford to take advantage of the latest technology? No money, no credit? Science is expensive but we can help–you can receive services for free as an applicant into our research program! Talk to one of our friendly financial counselors about what you can do for us and what we can do for you! Be the “better than ever you” you can be™ by visiting UPLIFTICON™!
I like Mike’s and Daniel’s suggestions to focus on tone/vibes, a well as clarifying details.
I don’t think there is a problem with using the word autistic to describe someone but I confess I would want to be clear that the grandson in question is actually a child you are babysitting and not an adult you are accompanying. “All autistic people need babysitting” is an impression you would likely want to avoid giving!
Mine at the moment is super short and “vibes based” for sure:
Every book its reader; every reader their book.
With these words as your guide, can you heal those who live in the Valley of Ink?
This doesn’t tell you much about the game or its setting, but I hope it’s intriguing and makes people interested in playing. (IMO the purpose of the blurb is to make people interested in playing!)
Last year’s top five run the gamut from very detailed to “short and vibes”:
Lost in deep space, your cargo vessel has suffered a catastrophic hull failure. The engines are offline, the AI is silent, and there’s no sign of the crew – and that’s just the start of your problems.
Explore the remains of the derelict ship. From fragmented memories, discover what became of the crew and piece together the events that led to the disaster. Find codes, hack keypads, and make your way past biometric locks in order to get the engines back online.
The ship is filled with debris – make use of it to help you survive. Perhaps you’ll find the truth you’re searching for among the detritus.
The game features: multiple difficulty levels, three different endings, optional in-game hints, and a complete walkthrough.
Anatolia, 1280 BCE: the last swan song of the Hittite Empire. The Great King abandons the capital in the face of barbarian raids; moving south, he declares that his new city will be even greater than the last, building it into a place of splendor. Paris of Troy swears fealty in exchange for military support as Greek ships converge on his city. Pharaoh Ramesses II saber-rattles down in Egypt, eyeing his former territories in Canaan that have fallen under Hittite control. The King’s younger brother forces the barbarians back and secures the former capital, and his soldiers start to consider if he might make a better heir than his young and inexperienced nephew. Artisans across Anatolia forge royal weapons out of rare, precious iron, and wonder if one day it will be possible to extract it directly from the rock. The technology seems only a generation away…if only the Empire will last long enough to see it.
And in the small farming village of Nahhanta, one very clever dog tries its best to save its human from a life-threatening curse.
This is a piece of historical fantasy set in the late Bronze Age, featuring canine antics, footnotes on the actual culture and history involved, and reconstructed Bronze Age music performed by Michael Levy. Can the hunter find his runaway puppy? Can the village’s taxes get paid before Imperial soldiers get involved? Can the copper merchant get his comeuppance for lying about the quality of his goods? And when the village wise-woman is laid low by sorcery, can her familiar find a way to save her? It will take luck, ingenuity, and more than a bit of magic…but it just might work.
Former gentlewoman thief Lady Thalia has given up her life of crime to join the detective agency of her greatest rival, Margaret “Melpomene” Williams. The life of a private detective turns out to be quite dull—until a new thief turns up on the scene. Our heroine will need all her old tricks to track down this new enemy, plus some new ones to conquer her greatest challenge yet: falling in love!
A crew of three. A lost city, far in the north. A thousand miles of toxic ice.
Plot your course, manage supplies, study apocalypse biota, and don’t lose your mind. You’ll find out why the world was ruined, or die trying.
All you wanted was a Slurpee™, and somehow you have found yourself haunted by a relentless marinara pasta demon. With a mysterious checklist discovered in your back pocket, what else is there to do but wander museums of memories and perform some arcane ritual to rid yourself of the haunting specter?
Play as yourself, play as me, play as spaghetti, play as sauce. Find closure in the end. Or don’t.
That said, most seem to follow a pattern even if they are very different in length:
Saltwrack and Slated for Demolition are the clearest examples, since they’re the shortest. But Wise Woman’s Dog and Detritus follow the same pattern, IMO!
Lest we end up picking Rachel’s blurb to shreds, here’s one of mine:
It’s a golden opportunity: the wealthiest men and women in New Gothenburg, all gathered in a single place. If this job goes right, you’ll all walk away from this…well, maybe not millionaires, but hundred-thousand-aires is still pretty respectable. And best of all, the event is barely staffed. How hard could it be for your whole team to outwit one elderly butler?
What I’m hoping to convey:
This would definitely want me to read more! Though based on the length I think if you wanted to extend this blurb a bit you wouldn’t run into criticism (at least not from me)…
I like this one! Its funny, in my head the butler was in his thirties, but now that I’m thinking about it the reference to Batman/Alfred is super obvious… Yeah, that makes a lot more sense lmao
If I remember right, when you have to crank the chandelier up and down it describes his old joints making terrible sounds. But I have also heard that from people in their 30s, so…
Wow, it looks like I have work to do. Thank you for encouraging me to improve my writing–I’ve been really in my head the last two weeks just writing and writing on the game, and it’s hard for me to imagine what it’s like to not know anything about my game anymore 
.
Oooh, I like it. The only thing I have a question about is what the event is that all these fancy people are going to where there’s hardly any staff. A gala for a seriously underfunded local history archive? The surprise retirement dinner of a miserly CEO? I’m also happy that I understand the gist even though I haven’t played The Bat (although “New Gothenburg” is evocative of Gotham for me).
I love your imaginative approaches to a blurb. I actually do have part of the game’s text itself that is kind of an in-game advertisement:
Welcome and thank you for coming to the influencer days at Uplift Con. Thanks to our partnership with the alien Zydons, we can offer Uplift to anyone with a disability who wants it!
I know what you’re thinking. When are us normies going to get gud? But I have guuud news for you. I’ve been able to convince the Zydons that any aspect of your body that you’re dissatisfied with is equivalent to a disability. If you’re perfectly happy with your body, then you don’t need the Uplift procedure. Problem solved!
The range of Uplifts available this year is incredible. Being able to enjoy cilantro is one thing, but now you can choose from a range of cognitive enhancements that is sure to impress/woo/relieve your friends/crushes/boss!
I’m not sure if it would work as a blurb, but there is a part in the first act where you can choose which traits to be uplifted with (if you choose to be uplifted)–so it does describe part of the gameplay.
The second of the three entries is now uploading to the IFComp site, so have another blurb:
The theory holds up, and the lab data is promising. But if you want to be the first PhD in Forensic Necromancy, you need a story the world can’t ignore. Which is why you’re now creeping through Nineveh in the dead of night, searching for human remains in situ. What millennia-old secrets are waiting to be unearthed? And most importantly—will they be enough to impress a thesis committee?
I’m tempted to look for a third question, to go between “millennia-old secrets” and “will they be enough”, because the tricolon structure[1] is a classic for a reason. But there’s something to be said for brevity too.
Trying to convey:
Three phrases in a row with parallel structures. ↩︎
I think the two questions that you have are fine, but the fact that you’ve written “most importantly” rather than “more importantly” is what makes it look like there’s a third question missing.
I’ve been pondering how much should be revealed in a ‘blurb’ – too much and you spoil the mystery, too little and the player has no idea what to expect. It’s tricky to get the balance right! This is my current blurb. All thoughts welcome…
–––
Welcome, Operator.
Your job is simple: choose your Scavenger. Guide them across a desolate, alien planet. Find enough resources to justify an evac home.
You are their Operator. Yours is the only voice they can hear; they’re depending on you to keep them safe. ‘System’ says your Scav is just a tool like any other. Resources are more important – the mission must always come first.
But find a quiet moment, and perhaps your Scavenger will open up. They might share their fears, memories of home, or why they chose this life. You don’t have to listen. None of it matters. Not to you, and certainly not to the mission.
But it does to them.
So, what kind of Operator will you be?
Very much going for vibes over details myself. I’ve got what I feel is a fairly interesting gameplay gimmick, though, and I’m wondering if this hints at it enough:
You are a fresh new intern at CorpoCorp, keen to make a good impression! As a strong team player who can also work independently, you feel you bring a lot to the table.
You are also a gigantic unicorn with a chainsaw for a horn and a habit of causing untold destruction everywhere you go.
Do people feel as though they’d be able to guess what the game would be like to play based on this? Is there anything I could add that would make you more likely to sink an hour into it?
Not in the least but I am so hooked nonetheless.
hmm my main feeling is… if none of it matters, why should I care? I’m also not sure if the Scavenger is a robot or a human (maybe that’s part of the discovery).
I’m guessing this will be absurdist office drama? In the vein of Octodad (although that’s more domestic)? I wonder if you could stuff more corporate-speak into the first two lines XD.