Most of online help is useless for some reason, and I prefer talking on places I know or with people I feel more familiar with. So I need some help.
I have an HP laptop (Windows 10). My battery is stuck, randomly, on 0%. The whole time, even when it’s charging. And yet it functions completely fine as if it’s 100%, when I unplug it. I’ve tried all the suggested stuff. I’m not sure really what it is. Does anyone know how to fix this?
Sounds like the circuit that measures the battery voltage is messed up. Nowadays they’re generally designed to let you “recalibrate” them; I’m not sure how to do it on Windows, but there should be an option somewhere that drains the battery to 0, then charges it to 100, and updates some internal metrics in the process. That’s what I would do first. (On Linux it’s sudo tlp recalibrate.)
Have you tried turning it off and back on? 
I wonder if something might have been installed or configured recently that coincides with your battery power problem. (The link below suggests rolling back your last Windows update for this very reason.)
There might be a BIOS update to your machine. With HP laptops, there are diagnosis tools available through a friendly “HP Center” like application that you can find on your machine. Have it do a full diagnosis and update whatever it suggests.
Ultimately though, I would take it to a service center if all else fails. Something like this might cost around $80 CDN from my experience.
This article seems pretty legit with it’s suggestions for basic things you can do yourself (don’t install any “repair software”, if a site suggests it), but computer problems can be a rabbit hole. → How to fix laptop battery stuck at 0% in Windows?
Also, HP does have a forum for asking questions. → Notebooks - HP Support Community
My last theory is you have received a government prototype battery that never runs out of power, thus the software drivers are confused and display 0%. It uses wormhole technology to draw energy from a star billions of light years away. They don’t want us to have free power, of course. Don’t tell anyone you have it! Maybe change your name and… [end of transmission]
Hmmm, the only one I haven’t tried in that article is uninstalling a Windows Update. I should try that. I’m just scared to do so because it all looks really easy but what if it goes wrong?
To be honest, soon after I installed it was when all my problems really began. I should try it tomorrow morning.
As long as you use the built-in Windows software method of rolling back an update, you will be fine. I was freaked out the first time I tried it too.
Just make sure your laptop is plugged in the whole time.
With most Li Ion batteries, you can let them completely drain until it shuts down and they charge and re-start the computer.
This technique will recalibrate most charging circuits.
fos1
I used to recommend going to a service center for things like this. And then I went to the most reputable one where I live, asking them to change my laptop’s internal battery (since I’d had it for several years at the time and the internal battery was no longer holding a charge).
They turned it on, stared blankly at the login screen for a moment, then said “…this isn’t Windows, laptops like this are only supposed to run Windows” and refused to change the battery unless I let them install Windows first.
So now I handle stuff on my own if at all possible.
Another thing with batteries if you haven’t tried it yet: Try (after saving everything and powering down completely) removing the battery physically and then re-seating it. It’s possible a connection that helps it determine the charge capacity might be making intermittent contact or no contact. There could be one stray piece of lint or hair or debris in there that’s causing problems. Make sure there’s not any corrosion or other schmutz on the metal parts that touch the other metal parts.
Batteries also can warp after a while with heat and use. Not knowing how much it’s charged could be a symptom that the battery is due to be replaced unless it’s relatively new.
If you have an ASUS laptop (which this trick apparently works better with) and also your laptop battery is buried under five different boards or something, another option I found which works (because I was having the same problem a few days ago) is turn off your laptop completely, unplug it from the charger, wait 10 seconds, then hold down your power button for 35 seconds. There will be a moment where it turns on and then back off again. Hold it for for the entire 35 seconds (this is important).
Once 35 seconds have elapsed, plug in the charger cord and turn the laptop back on.
Holding the power button for 30 seconds apparently trips a maintenance thing in the battery meter to reset its stuff. I hold for 35 to make sure there’s no error.
After having this battery meter issue for months, this is the trick that finally fixed it.
I was looking for a command like this before. I’m noting this down. 
This is a good suggestion. Lots of new electronic devices have an onboard computer that you wouldn’t think about. One of my Smart TV troubleshooting steps is “unplug the TV for at least five minutes to reset it to factory parameters”. It seems weirdly like it wouldn’t help, but that’s the only way to get a device to reset. Even if the TV is turned off, the computer still has power and is remembering settings and the only way to actually make it reset is to cut the power. And many electronics like this have a battery or circuitry designed to not immediately “forget” the settings if you only briefly unplug it, hence the directive to leave it unplugged for a specific amount of time.
This works on all modern laptops, although the length of time to do so varies; the laptops at work require the button to be held for a full minute.
The explanation I’ve heard is that it moves static electricity around the case, and users find it entertaining when I tell them this, but your reason of there being a miniature onboard computer to restart makes much more sense.
Removing the battery?! That’s one thing I’m actually terrified to do. I have no tools and no skills in the area.
I’ll try recalibrating it (unfortunately the stuff online is telling me to do things that aren’t there), or holding it for 65 seconds. Hmmmm.
IT’S FIXED!!!
Nothing worked. Everything acted weirdly, like the 35-second thingy. But then I gathered up the strength to open the laptop and----
So, let’s just say that the battery is… weird. It had become weirdly bloated near the sides, like so:
And this had caused the screws holding the battery into its sockets to have literally popped out of their sockets. It took some pushing to get the battery far down enough to screw them in, which in hindsight I shouldn’t have forced down like that, but eh, my laptop works now.rt
No!!!
Bloated batteries are exploding batteries! Take them out, and replace them ASAP! Best to take them to battery recycling facility. Take pics first so you can get the same battery model.
Uh… I sort of am going to have to use it for a week or so while the next one arrives. Like, I have to use it. Which is not good 
Try using it without batteries. You will have to keep it plugged in to use it. Also, there’s next day delivery option.
Yeah, 100% this – I am not nearly technically-savvy enough to know the exact risk that this battery will burst into flames sometimes this week, but I am risk-averse enough to know that you definitely want to avoid rolling the dice on that chance. As Harry says, you should be able to just pop out the battery and run the laptop by keeping it plugged in; that’s annoying, but much less annoying than third-degree burns on your lap.
Other aspects people forget:
As @ramstrong says, getting that battery out of your house should be near the top of your priorities list. I’ve heard suggestions before of storing bloated batteries in cast-iron containers if necessary.
If you don’t know where to dispose of your battery, check in with your local fire department. (At least that’s an option in the USA; not sure what other places do.)
Yes, DO NOT USE that battery under any circumstances!! It’s very close to doing this!
Which will do incredible amounts of harm to you, and also destroy your computer, if that’s what it takes to convince an employer or school. Get that battery out of your house as soon as possible!
Or, to put it differently:
You know how much energy your battery holds, to power your laptop for however many hours? Imagine it releasing all that energy all at once. As heat.
