Want to kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
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What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
light blue
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When you’re sitting in the living room and your wife comes around the corner…
Honey, have I ever told you that you’re sensuous?
(Doesn’t matter what she says.)
Sensuous up, can you get me a beer?
@Mewtamer
Though we’ve never met, I can honestly say that you don’t look so good. 
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Ok, in honor of the holidays:
What material makes the best Christmas sweaters?
Feliz Navidad
(apologies to all)
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My experience with German is the only reason why I had the grammar-parsing predisposition to get this joke so quickly, otherwise I would have been pondering this for 10 minutes, growing increasingly defensive for our dear Mewtamer lol.
German stuff for Englishers
To avoid revealing my awful spelling for German, I’m gonna use English transliterations to explain what I mean.
In German, “look” and “see” are said with the same word (this is an oversimplification, I’m sure).
In English, stating that your appearance appeals to other people would be “You look good”.
In English, stating that someone has good vision ability would be “You see good” or “You see well”.
In German, stating your appearance appeals to other people would be “You see out good” or “You look out good”.
In German, stating that someone has good vision ability would be “You see good” or “You look good”.
Native German speakers may feel free to start a thread explaining my mistakes, if desired.
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You have to have the whole picture of this actual factual scene that really happened with my Dad:
He’s 7 feet tall, and he’s wearing a pith helmet with a fan in the front with a little solar panel on top of the hat to make the fan whir to cool off his face.
He’s got his parrot on his shoulder because he took his parrot everywhere, and it would say things like “I LOOOOOOVE you, Daddy” in a creepy pervy-sounding low bass voice.
I’m 13 years old, the age at which even a relatively normal-looking parent is the most excruciatingly embarrassing thing in the world.
We’re at the ice cream shop.
And Dad pulls out his “talking wallet” and flaps it like a mouth as he tries to be a ventriloquist, saying to the hot teenage guy at the register, “See the picture of the family here? That’s here to remind me why I’m always empty.”
I thought I’d die.
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Is it weird that I was never embarrassed to be seen with my parents?
Also, how is the Spanish for merry Christmas a pun on sweater material?
Also, potentially offensive and arguably way out of date, but here’s a seasonal joke:
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
Santa stops after 3 Hoes.
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I think you mean
Fleece Navidad
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Well, it works better if you say it aloud.
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I’m blind and using a screen reader, all text I read on the internet I’m hearing aloud… Granted, espeak’s British default pronounces Feliz like Fell is or fellas, but if I think of the song, it’s more like fuh leese, so chock this one up to my speech synth having bad pronunciation for non-English words and my brain not autocorrecting its bad pronunciation.
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There’s a college professor teaching a class about ornithology — that is, birds. He has an unusual curriculum plan.
“To properly identify birds,” the professor says, “You need to be able to focus on the finest details of their anatomy. You’ll see not one feather, not one inch of plumage, as long as you’re in this course.”
“Instead, you’re going to learn to identify birds based solely on their legs.”
He puts up anatomical diagrams on the projector, making sure not to show anything above the birds’ knees.
The student thinks, this is ridiculous.
He brings in birds in cages, shrouding them above the ankles.
The student thinks, this is getting weird.
He takes them to the zoo, forcing the students to wear special visors so that they can’t see the bodies of the birds.
The student thinks, this is perverse.
Finally the student has had enough. He says:
“This is ridiculous. I’ve paid tens of thousands of dollars for this degree. You’ve taught us nothing of value. Why are you doing this? Is this some deranged plot to sabotage any potential competition? Do you have some sort of weird Victorian bird leg fetish? We’re going to be the laughing stock of the ornithology community when we try to actually get a job and we tell the interviewers we learned to identify birds by their legs.”
“How insolent,” the professor says. “What’s your name, young man?”
The student pulls up his pant legs and says: “You guess, buddy! You guess!”
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I heard a different variant on this joke:
200 students are taking a test. The time is up, so the professor says, “Pencils down. Hand your exam up to front.”
Everyone puts their pencils down except one student who continues to furiously write as everyone else hands their exam in.
The professor is furious. “I said pencils down!”
The student finishes writing and saunters up the front.
The professor yells, “You ignored me! Now you’ll fail this exam!”
The student is aghast, “Don’t you know who I am?!”
The professor smugly replies, “I neither know nor care.”
The student replies, “Cool.” And shoves his exam in the middle of the pile.
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I heard this joke in a context which admittedly makes the joke have more of a punchline. Basically, something about a ship captain hiring a Japanese man and saying, “You’re in charge of the supplies.” Then the captain nearly passing out and having a heart attack when the fellow jumps out at him from a dark nook in a corridor screaming “SUPPLIES!!”
I hope there is no occasion to doubt my genuine love for Asian people in spite of acknowledging a rather lovable common characteristic of their English accent…
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My question is, how many were collected and how many were original? Several of those were a good chuckle, by the way…
Bit of both. Some are classics. Some are adapted from a set of cards of Dad jokes I got for Christmas. And some were original (especially those that tied into the story)
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In Prince Quisborne I included a pretty healthy dose of dad jokes, but I tried to keep them about 95% original. One I’ve heard elsewhere that I find pleasingly nifty:
The scarecrow ended up being the undisputed winner of the prestigious award, because he was out standing in his field.
(Note how both “outstanding” and field" are punned individually and also combined to deliver an effect that is greater than the sum. It’s really slick… wish it was mine 
)
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Your house cold? Just stand in a corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
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The joke was probably originally in Fahrenheit but I suppose it works in Celsius too.
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