Thank you, zarf. I’ve been struggling find the right words about the “I’m told it’s not my place…” line, but suffice to say that is not what I see as the consensus either.
Merk, thank you for sharing your story.
Frankly I’m confused about what the consensus is. Are people allowed to defend themselves if someone publicly accuses them of misogyny or actually calls them a misogynist (or other negative label) outright?
Are we to avoid saying anything that might possibly make someone feel even a little bit uncomfortable? Because things make people uncomfortable for all kinds of reasons, and it’s not necessarily an indication that something is intrinsically offensive. Some people get uncomfortable when opposing ideologies are expressed.
I really don’t know what to expect anymore.
Hm…well, to follow up on my previous question, I’ve been able to breathe deeply a bit.
One thing that struck me as a contradiction was, someone came over from choiceofgames and said, well, this is how the forum should be run. Now Intfiction has decided to adopt that code of conduct, and someone else pointed out that there was a transphobic slur on the first page. I’m not sure how long that stayed up, but it seems that the code wasn’t sufficient. That doesn’t mean it’s bad. It just means it is in position of becoming just another annoying rule that may not exactly help anything.
I know and respect several of the new moderators, and those I don’t, I know by name, and I know they’ve done a lot for the community. And I think–and I hope this isn’t a push poll–they’ll be able to enforce and/or tweak the CoC wisely.
And it occurred to me what I want.
I want the ability to ask stupid questions without fear of repercussions–besides maybe someone noting that I’ve really been on a roll and haven’t bothered to research, and I want them to be able to say that, too. Because I definitely feel able to ask questions in the I7 forum, even if they may be on the dumb side. I know how to prep to make sure the question hasn’t been asked before. Okay, sometimes, I’ve let fear of seeming stupid get the better of me, but that’s on me. There haven’t been a lot of holy wars in the technical forums. That’s less trivial than it seems. Nobody gets shouted down over which extension or interpreter to use. Newbies get help. People, when they ask questions, detail what they tried.
I want–and this is a subjective thing–to be able to ask the same sort of potentially stupid questions on the main board. I’m not sure I’m comfortable enough right now, and I don’t know if other people are. I understand it may require patience to answer these questions. But the I7 people have given it, and I hope I’ve been able to pass the knowledge on. I want the faith I can do the same about non-technical questions, and I don’t know if the CoC does it for me yet.
I agree with Ice Cream Jonesy, again, that it’s a bit unwelcoming (it never occurred to me that it could be, for whatever reason–Code of Conduct sounds formal,) and maybe a more informal “TLDR” thing up top would be nice. E.g. think before you criticise and watch for personal attacks and overgeneralizations. If you slip up occasionally, it’s ok. Don’t post upset. Don’t retaliate. Don’t feel you’re not experienced enough to add to the discussion. Leave the CoC there for a resource if things get heated.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking at details that don’t matter in general. But they’ve been what I’ve been caught up in.
Thanks, all, for the support and kind words. I rarely dwell on my childhood, and in most ways I’m not that same little kid anymore. But some days I am. Especially when I’m tired. Or stressed.
I’m skipping direct quotes, but I wanted to mention a couple things that have come up.
The cost of running the server is minimal, and in no way a burden for me. It’s $12 a year for the domain, and $33 a month for the server, which I’d keep anyway due to my podcast and other sites. There’s no rush or emergency where that’s concerned. And the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to rush into anything anyway. It’s not usually a good idea to make too many changes all at once, and trying to migrate the site during IFComp and during a period of community uncertainty may not be the best idea. So in the short term, let’s not.
For my reasoning in general, it’s kind of just a matter of wanting to withdraw. Nobody pushed me out, or forced me into this decision. Nobody made me add the Code of Conduct. Even though it’s not the more general, minimal version I’d have liked, even I can admit we were pretty lucky getting by as long as we did without something that outlines the board’s stance on various issues.
I was listening to one of many video game podcasts earlier, and near the end, one of the guys said something to the others, to the effect of “wow, for a minute, I thought you guys were off your meds.” I immediately thought about the Code, and the bit on subtle -isms. Is that one? If that same comment was made here, would it be reported as a violation of the Code? If you suffer from a real mental illness, something like that could easily be offensive. And having written certain games in the past (ex: Lunatix Online, that while never meant to be taken seriously or make any real statement about mental illness, actually did offend some people), I don’t trust myself not to make inappropriate, if accidental, remarks.
This kind of concern has been the proverbial tipping point. I’m of two minds, because wouldn’t it be great if nobody ever lost their temper, insulted each other, made hurtful remarks (even unknowingly), or spoke contrary to another’s beliefs? Wouldn’t it be great if nobody ever needed to defend themselves? I can see the Code of Conduct being a step towards getting there (at least for this one microscopic corner of the world), but can that co-exist with the notion of just being yourself? If this leads to everybody just being a better, more socially-aware version of themselves, that’s surely a win. But I don’t feel like I have the stomach for it. It’s hard to take action in a situation when you don’t agree that the situation was even wrong to begin with. And that’s kind of where I think I would stand. Big deals to some are little deals to me, and vice-versa. I didn’t have this dilemma when the rules were general and unofficial, but now I kind of do.
But again, that’s just the tipping point. The weight of it, in all honesty, is unrelated entirely. Or only marginally related. It’s my own emotional baggage, as I kind of detailed in my opening post. It’s my job, that has once again turned into something that I dislike doing. It’s my other interests, my kids, my health, everything.
Ultimately, my fears about what comes next with the forum may be entirely unfounded. My concerns about false accusations and the nit-picking of wording choices may not even be the reality of it. The only way to know is to move forward. I’d encourage everybody to give this a chance. Don’t write off the forum as unsafe. And on the flip side, don’t write it off as heavily censored. Wait and see. It’s the same forum, with (mostly) the same people. Yeah, that all contradicts what I’ve been saying about walking on eggshells and tripping over subtle -isms. But not really, because it hasn’t happened yet. Fears != facts. A lot of smart people here see things from a lot of different angles; more angles than I do. And I’m not leaving – just revising my role here. I tend to disappear and reappear at intervals anyway.
The code of conduct is not set in stone and we can change it, but lets discuss that in its topic.
Thank you Merk for your years of service to the community. We wouldn’t be here without you!
Just for the record, I tracked down what happened here. Inside baseball follows.
[rant]That thread was from before our forum adopted the current policy. (We switched from Vanilla Forums to Discourse at approximately the same time as we cleaned up our rules.)
In that thread, someone was complaining that Vanilla was asking for gender on registration; somebody replied with transphobia, and a bunch of people (including moderators) piled on to criticize the transphobia. Neither transphobia nor piling on were explicitly forbidden at the time of the thread (we just had a generic “be respectful” rule). The new Discourse forum doesn’t even ask about your gender.
That old thread was sometimes showing up in Discourse’s “Recommended Threads” list, but that’s obviously not a thread that we want to recommend, so I went back and “archived” the thread so it won’t show up there any more.
… AND NOW YOU KNOW[/rant]
If phpBB had a “Like” button, I would click it on this paragraph.
Merk, I also want to add my thanks for administering the forum and sharing your feelings.
Yes, thank you Merk, for administering the forum (which I’ve always thought you’ve done a fair job of) and for telling us your story.
Yes, thank you for what you’ve done for the community, and for sharing your story. I hope your revised role will make things less stressful for you.
Merk, thank you for running the forum for this long and for this heartfelt post. I’m sorry things got to this point, and it’s unfortunate that sharing those details of your past seems to have been necessary for your feelings to be taken seriously.
Merk, thank you! I understand perfectly that you don’t want to be responsible for something you don’t support from the bottom of your heart.
It is truly sad to see that those who are noisiest have prevailed. I know you may not want to read this, but it is how I (and, as I can see, many others) feel.